Bday Party
Yesterday was SS's bday party. We always share the kids' bday parties with the BM, her husband, her parents, her friends etc. because DH wants to be there for their "friends" party and since they only live with us 25% time, on weekends, and go to school in their mom's neighborhood, all their friends live there and play there. So we the grown-ups split the duties, someone brings cake, someone does goodie bags, someone picks the venue and sends the invitations.
I dread these events because, put simply, I do not enjoy spending three hours with BM and her parents. Everyone is overtly "very nice" but EVERYONE crosses boundaries, and my DH is so wrapped up in so many different emotional aspects of the situation he typically crosses boundaries himself, disrespects me in subtle but painful ways, and I stand there trying to make chit-chat with people with a smile plastered on my face, that I try to make genuine whenever I interact with the kids. I go b/c my SS would miss me if I wasn't there, even though he barely pays attention to me, I know it's meaningful to him that I'm there. But I have to say, yesterday just absolutely took the cake. With the tension about custody and summer activities in the air, it was just awful. BM was as overtly "nice" to me as ever, but just incredibly inappropriate. She has a problem with respecting a physical boundary with my DH, even though she's in no way coming on to him, it's an assumption of right borne of past intimacy that enrages me. And DH has a habit of just bailing on me. He never acts like a couple with me, contradicts me when I talk, talks to people about BM's family while ignoring me. And don't even get me started on BM's mother. It was awful, painful, and just makes me so disappointed. This is my first marriage and I've only been married just over 6 months and I want to be treated with the kindness, respect and attention due to a new wife. I don't want to have to demand it. It is so disappointing.
I even snapped at BM yesterday. It's the first time in 4.5 years that I've ever raised my voice to her or engaged her in any way. Even though she's a very difficult person and creates conflict and drama, I usually rise above it and stay quiet if I can't be pleasant. No one was around but me and DH and BM, and I was trying to talk to DH about something that had just happened with BM's mother, and she walks up and asks me to go watch the purses in the little room while everyone else went off to play lasertag. And at first I couldn't understand her b/c she's so simpering and gooey I couldn't sort out what she wanted. And so I snapped, "I don't understand you" and she explains and I said no, I really want to go watch everyone play -- frankly, I wasn't concerned about my purse and didn't feel like once again being controlled by her. Usually I would just agree and go do it to keep things smooth, but no kids were around and I just couldn't take it. She snapped "fine" back and me and got her father to go sit in the little room. I walked off and went outside and did something I have never, ever done before in a difficult situation. I called my mother. This may not be shocking to some of you, but that's a huge cry for help on my part.
I had a huge meltdown when we got home--not because of the interaction with BM but just everything, and esp. what I perceived as DH's disrespecting of me during the day--, and now it is 5 am here, and I woke up at 3 am crying and couldn't get back to sleep. I am just so tired about caring so much about all of these people, staying awake nights and spending days supporting DH and dealing with a very difficult BM, making kids feel part of a loving and secure home on this end. And I never get my needs met. What is anyone doing for me, to make my life sweeter and better? Why am I doing this again? Why did I choose this?
I love my DH, and I love my skids. But a relationship is about more than love, it's about mutual respect, support and comfort. For all of my efforts, forbearance, and sacrifice, I don't feel like this situation is making me the best person I could be. Instead I feel cranky and mean and unhappy and increasingly bitter and resentful. This was about the sixth joint bday party -- and one of many joint soccer games, soccer practices, plays, etc. that we share with BM and her family-- and things seem to be getting worse rather than better. I just feel so sad and defeated.
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Comments
Shared party
I have felt the same way that you do. It does make you feel sad and defeated. I couldn't even imagine a shared birthday party. We have never done anything like that. Isn't there a way to have ss invite some of his friends and take them out for pizza and a movie or something like that instead of putting yourself through that? Of course Dh would have to agree not to go to the Bm's party in the deal. I think that that would make you feel a little better and I think your ss would like it too.
Dawn
Thanks Dawn. It is nice to
Thanks Dawn. It is nice to reach out and be heard!
That may be an option as the kids grow older; one of the problems is that we don't really get to interact with the kids' friends. The kids and their BM live in a "nice family" community (that DH selected for his family; she got the house) and while we try really hard to interact with the kids' friends and families during soccer games, friends' bday parties, etc., it tends to be a pretty tight-knit group and most are pretty close with BM, who was a stay at home mom for eight years and in-class volunteer for 2 -- I sense a discomfort about getting too chummy with me and DH, esp. from the parents of the kids' best friends, b/c it's those parents who are closest with BM. Plus in that neighborhood there's a bday party every weekend so I think there would be resentment if kids were asked to go to 2 parties for SS or SD; it's already overwhelming for most parents.
But, I am feeling awfully defeatist and pessimistic right now. I have always hoped that over the years, as the kids grew older, it would be okay to have separate celebrations. Maybe in the future it'll work out. The good news is that the bdays are over for the year; SD's isn't until next winter.
Just attending that sort of
Just attending that sort of function says so much about the kind of mom you are, Gwen. That's such a huge sacrifice to make for your guy and his kids. I don't think I could do it and I know that I'd never be able to handle it with as much grace as you've shown. In almost five years you've snapped once?! Honey, pat yourself on the back for being an exceptional stepmother and supportive wife. I'd probably be doing hard time in a women's prison somewhere if I had to attend a birthday party with my skids' mom!
I think now is a good time to start some new family traditions for YOUR family. You've just been married six months, you guys are still in that "honeymoon" stage, there's not a thing wrong with wanting to do your own thing separate from BM and this is the perfect time to establish yourselves as a family in your own right. The kids can still have their "friends" birthday party with their mom, but you guys don't have to go to that. You could have your own "family" party and do something totally different for them, like taking them to a special event or something for their birthday.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
oh my lord i have to agree with anne
i do agree with anne, time to start your own thing. when my dh and i first got together we did that shared thing too, it sucks sooo bad. been there done that altho without the parents that would take me over the edge. it was too hard, especially in my case to watch her boss him around and beckon like i was invisible.
that was the last one for me. they shared the cost and all.
i said enough is enough. we do our own thing she can do what she wants. she would plan an elaborate party then send us the bill for half, uh i dont think so. she is now on her own, and we do our thing and really the kids benefit double parties. in fact this week sd is having a party on sat mom, now does her own thing...altho she did bitch us out that she wanted them home early yesterday to make out invitations, we werent willing to sacrifice our time, so dh and i made the invitations out of cd cases...made the inserts with personalize picture of sd and a cd inside with her fav songs that she autographed and on the back cover the particulars bout the party. i am sure it will drive the ex nutso cause she didnt make them or have input, but the sd was thrilled to death. we hope mom let her hand them out. we are due to have them thursday night wich is the actual birthday and based on yesterdays shananigans her freaking out...she likely wont let us have them, but.....we are prepared for that. sd wont suffer we will have it when we finally get them, and sd will know that mom screwed up the plan.
hang in there chick, there is hope but make your dh get on board and make some new traditions. he doesent have to include bm he can have the best of both worlds...you, the love of his life, and his kids, and he will probably be alot less stressed bout the whole deal.
hugs to ya, dont let her take you to that low place, climb out...get back on top, you dont have to let her get to you...(easier said then done) but ....really, you rock...girl....dont let her ruin that for you...
Madison
"change occurs within"
Anne took the words from my mouth.
You are such a patient woman and yet you ask nothing for yourself? An ex is called that beacuse she IS the EX, no longer in your DH's life. You have such a wonderful relationship with your skids why put yourselves through this and why would Dh want to continue to share all these things with her?
Anne hit it on the head when she suggested starting your own traditions and let the skids have their BM, friends and her family at their B'day party. They have already spent their birthday with those special people and now you need to have parties after hers with your own special people. Your family, your friends and their kids or just you, DH and the skids. They will feel even more special having 2 parties!!
Don't be so hard on yourself, you have done all this to date for the skids and I am sure they appreciate it but I bet if they love you so much and knew it hurt you like it does they would be more than happy to have their own little celebrations with you guys. I think DH needs to detach himself from those family and friends and move onto you and yours. I could only wish for the relationship you have with your skids, I wish you luck and hope they all see how this makes you feel.
Catch xx
I cannot thank you all
I cannot thank you all enough for your compassion and support -- it is hard to express how your thoughts have shifted my feelings about myself. I struggle really hard to do the right thing with my skids, I love them so much. I've spent years drawing boundaries between DH and BM, but the joint bday parties are one of my give-ups. While it still might be the right decision for our circumstances, the thing that has helped so much is that because of these blogs, I was able to initiate a calm, non-defensive discussion with DH and being able to cite the clear and consistent message from you ladies was very, very helpful.
I am not insisting on a new decision right now about next year, but simply asking for some awareness of the credit that I deserve, and he got it. And gave it. We also talked about why we do the joint parties and how a huge part of it is his desire to be part of the kids' world, their school friends, etc., and how maybe a party once a year with BM is not the most effective way to go about being part of the kids' lives. He--we--go to all of these other things: soccer, plays, school events, etc., but b/c of a number of things--his job, our short time with the kids and our not-being-married previously, etc.--he's never really invested the consistent time that would be needed to develop independent relationships with the families of the kids' school friends.
DH has never spent time in the classroom or invited kids over for playdates, etc. He's always participated in the kids' soccer but never taken it beyond the chit-chat at the games. We talked about how if being part of the kids' day to day lives is really the goal (one of the reasons we're asking for more time with them), then joint parties aren't a very effective way of accomplishing that, but more prioritizing and time investment in building relationships with their friends might be. We may still do the joint parties next year, perhaps not. For me, it depends on how important it is to the kids--I can do it for them if I feel supported and protected. Part of the problem with the parties is that I dread them for days ahead of time and my nerves get worked up because I'm always afraid that DH is going to violate boundaries and hurt me. A fear borne of experience.
Having your insights really helped DH to see that it's not just my special lunacy speaking, that I deserve credit instead of blame, and that there may be a way to address the underlying issue that works better for everyone, including the kids. Thank you all so much for opening that door. And for making me feel human.