Unsettling Discovery, and things keep getting worse
You would think after almost 8 years of being seperated and 1 year of divorce, BM would be making progress...but to our dismay, things continue to get worse as time goes on. The other day, BF and I went out to eat for lunch. When we got back from lunch, I walked to my car to go back to work. When I opened the door, I found an envelope sitting on my seat that had been slipped through my cracked window. On it, in big capital letters, was written the word "WHORE". I picked it up and walked over to BF to show him what I had found. The first words out of his mouth were none that I had expected, and was in no way prepared for...
"That isn't BM's handwriting. That's SS's handwriting."
I looked it over again in shock, and sure enough the handwriting didn't resemble BM's. Comparing it to the multiple pictures and letters from SS that BF has in his office confirmed that the handwriting was indeed most likely SS's.
She made her eight year old son write WHORE on an envelope and stick it in my car?!?!
I took the envelope straight to my lawyer and asked if we could PLEASE hurry with this restraining order business. I also asked if we could get a TRO in the meantime because I really need one. The legal aide hasn't called me back.
BF called his lawyer and told her what had happened. He said it's one thing for BM to be vindictive and mean to us, but it's something else when she forces her eight year old son to aid her in doing so. His lawyer went OFF. Oh-eff-eff off. She said that that bitch is psycho, she's crazy, and SOMEONE had better let her know beyond shadow of doubt that what SHE is doing is wrong and she WILL ruin her son if she keeps this up. She was so mad she said she was going to call BM's lawyer and put the fear of God into both of them because this shit is ridiculous. So she called and raised immortal hell with BM's lawyer, who can't do anything with BM and has tried and tried to get her to listen to him to no avail.
Then, the next day, BM decides to call BF some more (at this point I'd like to say that I find it amusing that last week she completely refused to speak to BF at all, and now she calls him every 5 minutes and emails him several times a day...). Lately when she calls he tells her that he will not speak to her, she needs to send her messages through a third party, and hangs up on her. Of course, she calls back a million times because she can't stand to be told what to do (how DARE someone tell the Boss of the Universe what to do!). Conveniently, we had lunch at the same time and place as BF's lawyer that day. He told her that BM had called him 24 times so far that morning, and when he told her that he would be calling his lawyer to tell them that she was in contempt if she called again, she made SS call. Then, when SS would get BF on the phone, BM would say, "Put that phone so I can hear what he says". Then when BF would say something she'd yell, "Don't listen to him, he doesn't give a shit about you, he doesn't love you, he's not your damn daddy just your father and he doesn't care if you're sick or if you die!" BF's lawyer was soooo upset over this. She told us to bring her the tapes of BM's phone messages and conversations that we've recorded, and she was going to give one to BM's lawyer and sit down and have a talk with him. She said she's going to tell him that he'd better get a hold on his client or she's going to go after her and it won't be pretty. She also told us that this is plenty enough to revoke her parental rights and if she keeps this up for the next six months it will be easy to sue for full custody (BF is modifying the parenting plan now and won't be able to again for another six months after this modification is passed). She encouraged us to keep retaining evidence and do exactly what we're doing. Follow the rules and let BM bury herself is what she said. She'll practically hand us all the evidence we need to prove that she's unfit to be raising a child.
This is so hard. He's not even my son and my heart breaks for him. I just have to deal with it from the outside...I couldn't imagine what that poor boy is going through at home every day. The things that he tells us when he's with us are so heartwrenching that sometimes it's all BF and I can do to just hold each other and cry after visitations. How could someone do that to their own son?!
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Curious..
I'm curious why your lawyer (or anyone at this point) isn't turning over all this evidence to CPS? Why hasn't anyone gotten them involved? You then wouldn't have to wait 6 months to get SS back.. with all the proof of emotional abuse, passive agressive syndrom and various other things, he'd be removed to your custody I would think almost immediately.
Stepup
Hmm...
I was wondering if our lawyer was alluding to something like this because she acted like she could get SS taken away from her right now. And when she said she would come after BM and it wouldn't be pretty, that made me wonder if she was going to do something besides trying to modify the parenting plan. I really just didn't know what the plan of action was, but now that you mention it, going through CPS makes sense as the next step and that's probably what the lawyer meant.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Wow
Is this BM the same person as my husbands ex!!!! We have been going through our own abuse by BM this week.
Wow, Nymh, that's scary...
I'd have called the police right then and there without even opening the car door. At any rate, as horrible as it is that she's using her child as a weapon against you, at least it gives you the ammo you need to get your restraining order and possibly custody of the child.
That call to CPS can be made by anyone......
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
RE:
I have thought about it long and hard before. I just don't want to call before BF is ready to make that plunge, because once the call has been made there's no going back and things will get even worse...more difficult than probably everything else she's put us through.
BM's house is a literal pigsty and is seriously not safe conditions for a child to be living in. I have always listened to how BF and SS describe the house, but the scope of just how nasty it really is never sunk in until BF's mother talked to me about it. When you hear that a house is nasty, you think "well it might be a little messy...it couldn't really be that bad". It doesn't seem like someone could let things get so bad in their own home that it actually provides an unhealthy environment to live in. Or at least that's how I feel. BF and SS say that the house looks like someone took bags full of garbage and slung them everywhere. BF says that the floor in BM's room has so much garbage on it that you have to climb over the headboard of the bed to get into it if you don't want to step in the crap on the floor. He said that the last time he was in the house, the garbage on the floor was so high it was even with the bottom of the bed. I have heard them describe this house and how messy it is several times, but it never seemed to me like it could really be THAT bad. But when BF's mother told me about it, I realized just how bad it really is.
BF's mother said that BM used to let her in her house, but hasn't in years. BM says the house is "too messy" to let company in now. She said that when she WAS allowed to go in there, she had to literally kick a trail through the garbage and junk on the floor to walk through any part of the house. There were always dishes piled high in the sink with old food, ants, flies, and sometimes larvae on them. The house stunk. The fridge was empty except for soft drinks and rotten food. She said that if that was what it was like when she WAS allowed in the house, she'd hate to see what it looked like now that she's NOT allowed in because it's "too messy".
BF, his mother and I had a long conversation about SS's living conditions one night and she basically told us that she's waiting on the word from BF so that SHE can call CPS or the health department and request them to inspect that house. Honestly with how nasty it is I wouldn't be suprised if the house alone was grounds for SS being taken away.
SS is sick yet again and has been for the past few days. He gets sick about every other week, now. He's been running a fever, has an upper respiratory infection and an ear infection. I'm beginning to think his home is what is making him sick like this all the time. It's one thing to get strep throat or other virii every now and then, but to have bacterial infections every other week? It really has me wondering just what funk might be growing and living in that house to be constantly infecting him.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I agree with Anne,
If the child's living conditions are truly this deplorable, call CPS...how much worse can it get...for this child?! Are you prepared to be a fulltime stepmom with all that this entails?
That's understandable... it
That's understandable... it is a decision that you can't take back and you always have to worry about retaliation.
There was something about this on TV, it's some kind of mental illness where people can't throw things away and before you know it they are swimming in garbage. By then, it's too overwhelming to deal with, so they just don't. I think it was on Oprah or something. I can't remember which show, but I would think that could cause respiratory illnesses due to the spores that would be flying around in the house. Not to mention flies are huge germ carriers. Are you guys planning on trying to get him full-time? I hate to think of him living like that. That would be grounds for his removal, I would think. So it's good that you guys are tackling it through the lawyer, because that way you can coordinate any action so that he doesn't go into foster care for even a second. You'd hate to have them show up when she has him. That would be scary for a little one.
You guys sure have your work cut out for you. Hang in there!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Dear God!
I thought WE were dealing with a mentally unsound individual, but I think your SS's BM takes the cake. You must feel so overwhelmed! I'm glad you have your lawyers to help you through this. I'll be thinking of you and praying for SS's safety. I cannot even begin to imagine the longterm effects this is going to have on him. Poor little soul.
I don't really have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that we're all routing for you. Please keep us posted.
That is so sad
I can't believe this lunatic had the nerve to make her son do that. That is clearly mental child endangerment. The police should be called. What more does BF need to 'make that plunge'.
I can honestly say, I fear for you. Your BM is so unstable, I would be afraid that if she felt she would lose custody, that she would take off and run away with SS.
Can you get immediate tempory full custody until the matter is looked into further.
Prayers. Jo
I fear worse things than that...
You've heard stories about people who get so wrapped up in someone else that they start to feel like "if I can't have them, no one can"? She has openly admitted that she is codependent on her son and that she can't stand to be away from him for even a few hours at a time. She calls him her best friend. It's all pretty scary. I honestly fear that if it starts to look like SS will get taken from her, she'll hurt or kill either him or one of us. SS told us that his Mom took him out shopping for handguns a couple of months ago. SS already has a .22 rifle, what does BM need with a handgun? She lives in the middle of nowhere, it's not like she's in a high-crime neighborhood.
I've been talking to BF about this little by little for the past several days. It's hard to get him to talk about it for too long because it upsets him so badly that he loses it and has to bury himself in something else to get his mind off of it. I'm going to ask him how he feels about bypassing the parenting plan for now and going ahead and calling DCS/CPS/the health department/whatever it takes. I think he's afraid to get SS right now with the debt BM has us in and the fact that we just moved and our house is a mess...but you know what? I'd rather him live with people who love him and will care for him properly in a house that's filled with boxes that need unpacking but is clean; than to live in an honest-to-God disease infested pigsty with a woman who forces him to be in the middle of her adult problems and doesn't teach him how to do things as simple as washing his hair or brushing his teeth! SS is already exhibiting the negative effects of being exposed to such mental and physical endangerment. I just don't want to think about how bad it's going to be if we wait another 6 months.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*