How many means of contact are really necessary?
BM has been hounding us for months to give her our personal cell phone numbers. The judge and both lawyers have told her that the number she has is enough considering that she can leave a message if we are not there. Not to mention she can also email us. AND she can call BF's mother and ask her to pass the message along. There are a dozen ways that she could indirectly get into contact with us, but that's not good enough for her. She wants to be able to reach US specifically no matter when or why or where, at her whim and fancy.
BM doesn't care that it's not necessary to have additional means of contact. She is the type of person that needs to know exactly where you are at all times, who you're with, what you're doing, and exactly how she can get a hold of YOU, not someone else who knows where you are and can pass along a message, and not an answering machine for you to check at your convenience. When she wants to talk, she wants to talk NOW, and she doesn't care if it's convenient or necessary to anyone else.
What kills me is that BM will call to tell us something completely useless, like SS farted or something...but if she can't get one of us on the phone she goes ballistic. What the hell? Why is it so important to speak directly to us about every meaningless unimportant update? Why is it necessary to call us two or three times a day to tell us things that could easily be saved up through the week and taken care of in one call? And if one of us doesn't answer the phone, and you don't leave a message, how in the hell are we to know that you had something meaningful to say? And if it DID actually matter, wouldn't you leave a message? And I love her messages, which usually consist of "Well I hope you two are enjoying your worry-free day while I'm blah blah blah" or "I really appreciate your lack of contact and obvious lack of concern...". She always does that...it's the passive-aggressive oxymoronic bull that really gets on my nerves. If you don't like it, just say you don't like it, don't be sarcastic and bi$%#y about it. I personally have started to suspect that she looks for stupid reasons to call so that she can see whether or not she can actually get a hold of us just to have something to gripe about later.
She's trying to use the fact that I've decided not to return her emails or phone messages as reason for us to give her additional contact numbers. WTF? Anything to justify herself, I guess.
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Nymh...your bf's ex is pyscho...
just b/c she is threatening to take you to court over some missed emails or phone messages doesn't mean her lawyer will even fight for her. She is a very persistent person, and she won't give up until she wins, or until she grows exhausted. This sounds like a game to her. She has nothing better to do with her life except cause drama.
Can you imagine how sad a person must be in order to be so focused on hurting others? What would her life be like if she used all that energy to better herself?
Don't worry about her threats...they are empty. She might call her lawyer, but I'm sure he/she knows that not everything she says can be taken seriously. BTW, if a judge tells her she doesn't need your cell phones, another judge isn't going to overrule that original decision. Judge's don't like changing previously made decisions like that.
Don't lose sleep over this,
Candice
Avoidance is a wonderful thing.
My Husb's ex is psycho and I avoid her in every way. I also guard my privacy. I don't give her my cell phone, I don't give her my e-mail, I don't allow her to find out where I work or even if I am working, I don't talk to her and I don't even look at her, I don't speak of her and I try not to think about her.
You husband or BF married her and he will have to manage her psychosis; you however are under no obligation to have anything to do with her at all.
You can have your own e-mail account and have nothing to do with her online. You don't have to give her yr cell and I doubt the judge will order you too especially since she can contact you other way and especially since she is harassing. Our family law lawyer doesn't have much patience for this crap and BM's lawyer reclused himself from working with BM. Even the people that make a living off this nonsense have their limits.
At some point I just gave myself permission to take a permanent vacation from dealing with BM.
Best of luck,
// Susanna
Sometimes
I thank my lucky stars that my ex just went away. Sometimes the only good ex is a gone ex.
Nymh....how much longer are
Nymh....how much longer are you going to dwell on this subject???
I'm sorry for being harsh, but you need a shove off from this problem. Focus on the positive and let BM dwell in her own obsession and negativity.
By giving her any attention, you are contributing to the problem...so
MOVE ON ALREADY!!
RE:
The only attention I give her is when I gripe about it on here. I thought that this site was supposed to be where I can come to vent about things... The things that she does bother me, and considering that she's currently taking US to court and trying to sue US for phone harrassment, and that we have another court date where she is trying to sue us and make us pay over $3,000 in arrears RIGHT NOW that she sued us for to pay for the months before the divorce for which she believes she deserves money, even when we are paying our regular payments and then some to catch up, this is a pretty touchy subject to me. I do focus on the positive in my everyday life, and BF and I have very constructive and positive conversations about what needs to be done. We keep on the same page without letting it become a problem between us. So why can't I come here to let out my feelings?
I kind of understand what you're trying to say, but my point is isn't this exactly what this site is designed for? These things bother me, and I come here to talk about them so that I don't have to talk about them anywhere else. This is my safe haven and my supportive net of women who will listen to me and give me advice and support when I'm feeling down or frustrated. What's wrong with me using this site for its intended purpose? BM will continue to do things that bother me, but if I can't come here to let that out, what am I supposed to do? In a perfect world I would be able to completely ignore her and not let what she does bother me...but if that were truly possible then 75% of the people who come to this site would have no reason to be here.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Hi Nymh
I do think your posts are pretty similar, and I am genuinely concerned that you are really focused on "fixing" bm, rather than not letting her bother you and moving on. With that said...I will listen to your posts, so please...do come here to vent! It's totally theraputic for you to come here and complain, b/c, you get it off your chest, and you and your bf aren't dwelling in it all the time. You guys will actually be able to focus on your own lives and enjoy it, b/c you have a safe haven to complain.
If others don't want to listen to your continued posts, well that is their choice. They don't have to respond, they don't have to support you...but just know, you have me that supports YOU!
I do hope you find resolution in yourself to learn to better cope with her. In your posts, you stated she does things that bother you...you need to find a way to NOT let HER bother you. Easier said than done, but every time she bothers you...you let her win at her own game. She is psycho, and this is a game to her...but you need to work on yourself to let every little thing she does NOT affect you. I think this takes time and practice. Think of it as empowering yourself.
Years ago, I was in your shoes to a degree. We were fighting for custody, and bm was not just psycho but a neglectful mother. And we served her with a parenting plan that just set her off. I know what it feels like to be so scared, you aren't sure if you will ever see ss again (we didn't know if she would just take off and go underground hiding ss from us forever), she threatened supervised visitations, she threatened to take dh to the cleaners for cs, she called her lawyer to say we weren't letting ss call her from our house (when in fact we were), and more. It was very scary!
What I'm here to tell you, that even though the legal system is unfair and biased for women, you guys will have visitations, and eventually an evened out cs payments, along with tax deductions for your bf to claim ss on his taxes. Things will eventually balance out...but it takes time. I want you to know that if you could learn to ignore her threats, and not take her so seriously, then you probably will sleep better, and you probably will enjoy your life more.
Like I said, it isn't an overnight process....it seriously took me over a year to finally get over then things bm did and said, and there are still some things that I haven't forgotten about. It takes time. But just allow yourself to not worry about her...yes she is psycho, but I guarantee, you are not the only one who notices...
I hope I helped you Nymh!
Bests,
Candice
Again...MOVE ON....change
Again...MOVE ON....change the subject...YAWN...most of us vent and it's gone, we move on. Your posts seem to focus on the same subject and I'm concerned that you can't get past this and let it go. It's just not healthy to talk about the same problem time and time again without any resolution. You're right, we all come her to vent and release but the majority of us are capable of moving on and letting go of a toxic issue.
RE:
I really think that it would be inappropriate for me to do so, but I could find several women on here who use this site to complain about the same thing over and over. I feel it is ridiculous for me to have to defend my own right to come here and utilize this site for its intention. I also feel that you're being pretty rude with YAWN, change the subject, etc. I'm sorry if my posts have gotten on your nerves, but you chose to read them, I did not force you to. If it is a problem for me to continue to come here and receive advice and support on an ONGOING problem, then perhaps I should bow out gracefully and not do so anymore.
I come here because I am naive and gullible. I come here because I am easily offended and quick to trust others who do not deserve my trust. But I don't want to give that impression to BM, and I do not want to allow her to take advantage of those qualities of mine which would enable her to have a negative impact on my life. Every thing that I write about means another problem that has come up. While all of my posts may center around BM, they all are related to different things that she has done, and different subjects for which I feel that I need guidance. While I could probably handle things on my own, it was doing things MY way which caused me to get into the mess that I'm in now, and after years of doing things the WRONG way it is hard to make an instantaneous change and immediately begin unerringly doing things the right way. What is so wrong about me asking advice, opinions, or support on issues that I really need to hear from others on?
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
In a word... ONE!
That was the answer to your original question... one contact number is sufficient.
As for all this other bullshit - sorry, that's what it is - I refer everyone to the upper lefthand size of your computer monitor, where you will see the words WHERE STEPPARENTS COME TO VENT.
Vent away, Nymh, vent away!
~ Anne ~
P.S. I can relate to you on this one totally, though, because we used to be in a similar situation. We changed all of our numbers, had them unlisted and only gave her hubby's cell phone number to call. One number is all you need. If she doesn't like it, tell her to take up the great lost art of letter-writing.
Correct
Nmph, Our BM was exactly like that for months. It has died down but still to this day, if she can't get a hold of him or he doesn't call back right away, he is put on the defensive by her. "Why didn't you answer? Why did it take you so long to call me back" Just once I'ld love him to say something like " We were having mad hot sex ". lol
As as far a venting, that's why we are here. To vent and help each other.
Jo
LMAO... I had gotten soooo fed
LMAO
I had gotten soooo fed up with the constant calls and interupptions from BM that once when she called I made it a point of answering the phone while he was in the shower and told her that he was busy getting his c__k sucked by me that when we finshed our fun tomorrow he would call beck if he wasn't too tired from all of the activity.
She was furious, I caught hell from him, But it was soooo worth it to know that I finally pissed her off that bad.
She at least quit calling so much and whenever she did she would start the conversation with am "I interupting anything?"---lol
Trinity
ROFL
Are you serious?! That's amazing! I almost wish I hadn't sworn off communication with BM so that I could do that! }:)
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
What I Hate ...
Is that the bio NEVER leaves a message that could easily say what she wants...Instead she hangs up...And DH...He IMMEDIATELY calls her back and then chatty cathy asks what she wants and chats further. Drives me insane!!! If she cant leave a messge, couldn't be that important and I don't think he should call her back.