Am I being selfish?
I am not a stepmom yet but it may be a possibility. I really do not think I can handle being one and I give a lot of credit to all of the stepmoms out there. I have been with a divorced dad for 7 years now. We were engaged but I got cold feet and put it on the back burner for awhile. It seems to me that his ex likes playing little games to annoy me and let me tell you, she succeeds all of the time.
Here is the latest episode. Divorced dads 10 year old child will be getting a first degree black belt in Karate. His ex thought it would be wonderful to have a big party for the child intertwining her family with his family as if they were all one big happy family having a celebration dinner together. For the first 6 years with him, there has not been any family combined parties or birthday parties where the two of them were in attendence. He had his own celebrations and she had hers. His family did not even like the ex. Then his mom died and his ex came to the wake and the burial and was invited to ride in the limo with his family and myself. Tell me if I am selfish, but I freaked out at the thought of the ex riding in the family limo as if she were still part of the family. Anyway, now I flipped again at this "Family" karate dinner that his ex thought up and he aggreed on. He tells me that I am over reacting because this is a very important event that his child worked on for two years. I think that he should have his own celebration with his family and she should have her own with her family.
Please be honest with me and tell me if I am just a selfish person or do I have a valid point. I am sure some of you may have had to deal with these types of things.
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It's about the kid
Sorry, but....this one is not about you. It's about the child - his day, his accomplishment, his accolades. You are one of many people that love him; focus on him, not the ex. Walk confidently by your fiancee's side, interact with everyone, talk about how proud you are of the son. Forget about her! It's not about her either!
Goldenlife, where on earth
Goldenlife, where on earth in my post did I mention that it was all about me or all about his ex?
RE:
What Goldenlife may be implying is that we can't always be comfortable, but we have to do what we can to show support to our SKids. The day is not about your comfort level or whether or not you want to be around BM and her family...the day is about celebrating SS and his accomplishments with ALL his family members. Yeah, it's not the way you'd prefer to celebrate and it may be a little uncomfortable, but in the grand scheme of things that's not really what matters. If you can hold your head up high and stand proud next to your DH and SS, I'm sure you'll still have a great time even if BM and her family is there, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself too. Besides, this will be the chance to show everyone that you are a proud, polite, and classy woman. Strut your stuff!
I'm sure that's what goldenlife is trying to say.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Thanks so much, Nymh!
That's exactly what I was trying to say! That's what happens when I'm in a hurry and have very little time to post - I'm too matter-of-fact! lol!!!
I don't think that you are selfish at all.
I don't think that you are selfish and the get together may not be necessary, however, there will be other events that both families will be at such as graduations, weddings, baptisms, etc. I know that this is in the future but these things will happen. It isn't fun, or comfortable or enjoyable. Actually, I usually say that I would rather have my toe nails pulled out by the roots rather than go to these events but I have always gone and survived. When I feel most confident in myself, look my best and act as though I feel very comfortable, it is much better for me. So I would say, if you plan on marrying this man, learn how to cope with these kinds of situations. You will be more accepted if you go along with it than if you create a fuss (I know from experience!). Good luck...it isn't easy!
Thank your for your reply
Thank your for your reply hopeful. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do. When I divorced my ex it was to start a new life on my own with my 2 kids. Sure they have there dad and their birthdays and holidays with him and his family and they have there separate functions with me and whoever else is in my life. If I felt the need to combine the two families for anything other than graduation or weddings, I would have stayed with my ex. Divorce to me does not mean that you only live apart and act like a family everywhere else. I divorced because I wanted to start a new life for myself. Playing the happy little "family" with my ex is hardly starting a new life and I don't think it would go over well with my significant other if I were to do the same as he does. It would be different if I came into this relationship with this togetherness situation, but It was hardly that when I entered into this relationship. As I said, it is now the seventh year with him. Why start now?
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Your right
Your right, you shouldn't so don't do it. Sure there might be graduations, and big events like a wedding but its much healthier to have everything else separate.
If the child is living in the home and theres anger and stress because of these things, or visiting the BF and sm and one has anger and resentments that is most harmful to the child. If it keeps everyone happier to not do that, the child will be happier also.
Talk to your so, and tell him that won't work for you.
I agree it's for the child.
I agree it's for the child. Go and have fun. Don't think about the ex and about one happy big family feeling. Just be there for the child and enjoy yourself. If it helps think about it this way....you are the new love of your BF and hold your BF hands whenever possible.
-happy mom
I understand about what some
I understand about what some of you are saying about it being for the child. Let me ask you all something. If one of you significant other's family member passes away would you have BM ride along in the Family limo for the sake of the child? How comfortable would you be riding with her to the cemetary? It's like being with one of those men in another country who have multiple wives. I don't think any of you would have the "It's for the Child" thought in your minds then. I was blessed with the presence of the BM all throughout the funeral. BM and her EX inlaws did not like each other as the divorce was quite messy and BM was very evil and did evil things to BF including getting a bogus order of protection against him and having him thrown in jail because he was parked on her street having his neice bring satan her child support. Satan did not open the door because she called the police waiting for them to come arrest a man who brings her money. BM also evicted BF and his family from a home that they rented from her mom. She also took the car that he drove from him, mind you she already had her car. She kept him from seeing his daughter. She was 11 months old when they split. He missed her first steps. I guess all of this and then some entitles her to a ride in the family limo. As far as I am concerned, if anybody else passes in his family and this nonsense takes place again, I can tell you that bf can have her because I am out of there. As soon as BM walked into the funeral home, I was next to BF and his sister yelled across the room that BM was there and he should escort her to the casket. What kind of sh*t is that? Would you ladies be able to bite the bullet for the sake of the kids to go through that?
RE:
I think BM in your situation and BM in mine are in cahoots. They've done all of the exact same things. I was blessed with a bogus order of protection on BF too, which caused him to not be able to see his son on Father's Day. She tried to get him arrested by tempting him to meet her at a park for a visitation with SS while she had an OP against him. She took his vehicle without even notifying anyone. She had someone drive up with her and used her extra key to take the vehicle without him even knowing, then refused to give it back.
And then, guess what she did? She showed up at his grandfather's funeral. Imagine our suprise and joy at that! Granted we didn't all ride in the same car together, but I was VERY offended that after all she put us through, she showed up to a family event to try to play the innocent, loving ex wife! She threw a fit the entire time she was there about BF not standing by her or escorting her, and played the victim all day. Everyone was furious with her!
So know when we say these things that we are not trying to attack you or tell you that your feelings are insignificant or petty. That's not what we are trying to say at all. You came here for support because you knew that you would get good advice from people who were going through the same things that you are. But still you seem to be on the defensive when we tell you advice from our experienced perspective. Trust me, we all know where you are coming from and then some. We know how hard it is. We understand your feelings for this woman and how offended you are at her presence. We aren't trying to offend you, just trying to offer advice from experience. What we are trying to say is that it would be more beneficial to YOU and your BF if you could take her actions for what they are - the desperate attempts of a bitter and angry woman to get under your skin and make your life miserable. She WANTS to scare you off. She WANTS to piss you off and offend you so much that you can't take it anymore. But instead of giving her proof that she has that power over you, maybe you could instead just ignore her and her pathetic attempts at ruining your life. Why is she doing it? Because she CAN and she knows that it bothers you. Leaving him is EXACTLY what she wants you to do. This is a game to her, to see just how mad she can make you, just how much she can screw with your life and your relationship with your BF, just how much power she has over you and what she can make you do (INCLUDING leaving!). Why give her the glory of "winning"? Trust me, after she's made herself to look like an ass (which is precisely what she's doing) enough times and you haven't let on that it bothers you at all, she will eventually give up. Focus on your relationship with your BF and let her be background noise, because you can rest assured that she will be bobbing around in the background for a while. If you can't come to terms with the thought of her, trying to sabotage your relationship and do everything she can to get under your skin, then by all means I support your decision to leave. Under no circumstances should you stay in a situation in which you are not happy. What I'm saying is that if you really love this man and want to stay with him for the long haul, then these are things that you're going to have to accept and learn to cope with. As much as it sucks this woman is never going to go away, we just have to learn to deal with it as best we can and make the best of the situation.
Again, I want to remind you that I am NOT trying to tell you that your feelings are petty or that your perspective on the situation is wrong. You asked for our opinions and insight, and having gone through what you are going through, that's what myself and everyone here are giving you.
I am sorry I seem to be on
I am sorry I seem to be on the defensive side. I know you guys are just trying to help with your experiences. Defense is my middle name when it comes to BM issues. BF never sees my point at first and fights me on it until I am blue in the face. Then later, he has a revolation and finally sees what I am talking about. With him it always takes defense. You ladies were a big help and also made me see that these little escapades are not just because I feel I got involved with the wrong man. I thought I was going thru this because I picked a winner who seemed to never have cut the cord from the ex.
Thanks again!!!
I don't think so..
no imo its all gotten way out of hand.
Although it all goes back to your BF in allowing all of this. He needs to talk to BM and his family and put a stop to it. If he refuses, yes you should be outta there.
Shes only going to those events to try and break you guys up imo. You will have your answer when you give him the consequences of any further nonsense on his part.
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The funeral situation is
The funeral situation is totally different from the child's celebration of his accomplishment. I think for the funeral part, I wouldn't ride w/ex at all...or anywhere else in fact. So I understand your frustration, does your BF know how you feel about this woman? If not, get it straight w/him so he knows next time how to avoid her out of your plans.
-happy mom
I am new to the step mom
I am new to the step mom role..3 years. I tried the one big happy family thing and it just didn't work for me. Maybe my insecurites but I was so uncomfortable. I remember the anxieties I would suffer the whole day leading up to the event. My dh's ex would strut in looking like the diva that she thinks she is and over powering everything. Calling my mother in law "mom" and hugging and kissing everyone and my son and I just sitting on the side lines like we were strangers in our own family. My father in law hated it and said who do they (her and her family) think they are acting like nothing ever happened (he is a big fan of mine and not of hers...affair, tried taking my dh's money and won't give him 50%)
So, for the time being I stay away. We do special things with SD...just took her for a vacation (did 3 weeks this summer with her, her mom did none), we throw our own parties for her birthday, have her friends over (she's only 5). I know it is not about me but I am sacrificing my own happiness to make my husband and my step daugther happy. I just know I can't be a good mom, step mom or wife if I am feeling anxiety. Maybe that will change as I grow more comfortable with my role in this family. Hats off to all of you who can do it. I wish I could, it would make me feel so much better and one day when it matters to my dear SD I will be able to go with my head held high.
It just takes time....
and when bm finds herself a man in her life, the elements do change. At first, there was a lot of tension between dh and his ex gf (which is psycho). She pulled a lot of crap to try to chase me off, or ruin any relationship between dh and ss, including denying my dh time with his son.
Then one day karma slapped her in the face (and we laughed). She met a guy (who in my opinion, had a similiar appearance to my dh) who was attractive, and was really into her. He was a father of 3 girls, and his ex is psycho. She (my dh's ex) was throwing ss a birthday party, and her bf went to go pick up his girls for the party. Guess what..his ex didn't show up for him to pick up his girls..we were sitting on her couch, when her bf walked in the house and had a very disappointed, heart broken look on his face when he returned home without his girls. My dh told him how sorry he was for him. I couldn't tell you how much of a party I was having on the inside when this all happened in front of us. SS's mom is the queen of hiding children from their fathers, and then this happens to her...
During the 2 years they dated, she did see the other side of things, and began to change for the better. Things got so good, we could have the same bday parties, or whatever celebrations we wanted. No big deal. Then they broke up, and she has spiraled down hill again...and now we are back to everything being separate.
I don't ever have anxiety when she calls, or comes to pick up ss, or is in my presence at all. It did take time for me to get over the anxiety..but in my case, her personality is such a turn off, and she has raised ss to be such hell on wheels, that I feel we have nothing to lose by being ourselves (even if we piss her off and she hides ss).
that's what I always hope
that's what I always hope for...her to met a man who has kids and she would be able to see how she affects us. She dated one guy for a short time..4 weeks..he has 50%...one week on one week off....thought he'd might give her some perspective as to how he would feel not having his daugther at least 50%. But damn it ...it never lasted. I figured he got cold feet.....if I have a child with his woman is she going to make me fight to have my child just 50% and she would.
I am hoping time heals. It seems that is what most of you are saying. Just stay the course and it will get better. Keeping my fingers crossed.