Sister in law communicates w/ex....
What is the story w/that??? Anyone been in this situation before? I hate the fact they she talks to the ex. This past weekend, sister in law mentioned that the ex has been very busy w/work....I was planning a bday party for my daughter & stepson and mentioned to my sister in law that I hope that stepson's mother does not change the schedule on us the day of the party. How would she know that ex is very busy w/work unless she talks to her. I just can't stand the fact that inlaws still talk to this monster! What do they feel sorry for her or what? I can't just come out and tell my inlaws to stop talking to this monster, how do I deal w/this when I hear stuff like that?
- happy mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You ignore it...
because they might just be doing this to provoke you. At least that is my experience. Not only can I relate to this situation, but I have been living it for the last year!!!
Not only is my dh TWIN sister speaking to his idiotic ex gf, but they are drinking buddies, best friends, and when the ex temporarily breaks up with the current freak she is dating, she drags her kids to my sil's house to sleep on her couch!!! My sil openly states "ex is family to me!" I personally don't believe you get more dysfunctional than this! My sil is the type of person that collects every stray dog roaming the street to nuture them and give them a dump to live in (her house is so gross I don't go over there), so I think she uses these same philosophies and that is what gravitates her to the ex. The ex is basically a stray cat...
I don't know what your in-laws are like, but mine use people. It bothers my dh immensly that his TWIN sister betrays him by hanging out with a woman that intentional became pg with his child just to use him for her meal ticket. I look at it like I don't want to hang out with my sil (because she is beneath white trash), so I don't care who she hangs out with just as long as it isn't at my house.
You can't control what your in-laws do, and remember, we don't pick and choose our family, we choose our friends. Your dh can't help what his siblings are doing, so keep your guard up, don't divulge any information that you don't want the ex to hear, and always know that whatever you criticize the ex for, will be totally magnified as you being a cruel and judgemental person without cause. I personally just ignore it...let me know what future events bring to this subject...
Candice...
Thanks for sharing your experience. It made me think about my situation a little more. My inlaws are very nice people, I don't believe they go back to the ex and tell them what I have said about the ex. Like how unfair she is towards us. What bothers me is that when I tell them what she's been doing to us, they just listen and don't say anything...like give me advise or just say anything. It's like they have no opinion or suggestion for me on how to deal w/things. I feel like I'm talking to the wall and I feel like I'm the bad guy for talking about the witch. Are they quite because they are loyal to her??? I just don't get it. At times I don't want to discuss the ex anymore cause what for, they can't give the support I need. Then in the back of my mind these people actually talk to this beast, it's like they don't even think about what this beast has done to their brother/son. Do they blame their brother/son for the divorce? I do try and ignore it but it's one of those things that just linger over your head everytime I see them.
-happy mom
My SIL (step-mom,second
My SIL (step-mom,second wife) goes through this with our other SIL..(original wife,long time freind of his original wife).
It drives her crazy, too. Orig SIL doesn't hang out with X as a buddy, she does speak to her on occasion but HER sister is best friends with her. SIL #2 deals with it by not devuldging any information she doesn't want X to know, in case it gets back inadvertantly... I don't think SIL #1 would intentionally tell secretes or anything..BUT things might slip while taling to HER sister, etc.. and she would definitely run back to her.
Sometimes it's best to NOT put someone in the position of having to keep YOUR secrets. It's really not fair to them. MOST people don't enjoy being put in such uncomfortable postions.
Hubby still spoke to his brothers X, when he ran into her somewhere..she always said "hi" and he recipricated (out of civility) If there was some news to share...she was still the mother of his neice & nefew..about family etc.. they did. (I just re-read this..just to clarify..he didn't share thier news..just his own..daughter is pregnant, other daughter got engaged..kind of news)
We know of the horrible things she had done to them....and like family members..you can't pick your in-law's, or your hubby's / brothers X's..so you put on your cordial face and just deal with these people the best you can. Did we want to run into her. NO! Could we care less whether she was working hard..or taking a trip. Absolutely not! Were we going to start an all out war between she & us by being rude/ignorant/calling her a "bitch" in the middle fo the grocery store....
It was just maintaining an air of civility for the sake of neices/ nefews...the kids caught in the middle.. Just because we have to speak to her on occasion..doesn't mean we like her..or condone her terrible behavior or we don't love SIL..and truly have her back!
Try not to take it personally...
I'm learning to really hate that expression since becoming a Step-parent, by the way! .....Just so you know I cringed as I typed it.lol
Protect your secrets if you think theres a potential for risk if she learns your business.
Chances are that it may have been nothing...but obligatory idle chatter
PS
SIL and I have actually discussed this issue and how she felt like we were betraying her by talking to her hubby's X, especially knowing some of the stunts she's pulled. Once she understood that WE don't want to talk to her anymore than SHE does, we're just trying to be civil, we don't like X and we had SIL's back ALL THE WAY!!!! She felt better about it. We also pass on anything of interest X says directly back to SIL. SIL doesn't feel threatened by it anymore...and she knows the LAST thing we want to do is hurt her feelings in ANY WAY!
OMG! WE don't like this woman anymore than she does!!!
Secrets...
I do hold secrets/comments/problems from my inlaws. Because I know that they are probably have loyalty to exwife. I know that because everytime I tell them what she has done, they don't have an opinion/comment/suggestion for me. I then feel like the bad guy for bringing it up, I wish they were more supportive of my feelings and the stuff I have to go through.
-happy mom
That's the reaction SIL gets
That's the reaction SIL gets from the "original" SIL... Kind of the "i don't want ot hear about it" or "don't want to deal with it" reaction and she'll immediately change the subject. I get that from her too regarding my hubby's X..
We help SIL/BIL deal with the crap from X and the stuff her SK's stir up for them..offer suggestions, a place to vent and support her completely!
I think alot of the problem is that..people that aren't in our situations TRULY don't understand where we are coming from...or why we take issue with certain things...
I couldn't agree with you more..
Until you are in the shoes you can't even begin to understand.
My in laws are very nice people as well. My mom in law is in her 70's and my father in law which is not my hubby's bio dad is 80. My husbands mom is the mom that likes to pretend to everyone that everything is perfect. Which kills me. I have never been that way. If I am mad you and everyone else knows it. I will not put a smile on and be fake.. I cannot stand fake people. I like people who are honest.. But they I am sure do not tell the ex what I say but I know for a fact that they have went there for dinner and stuff, so has my SIL.. My mom in law actually called my SIL who is my buddy for sure and asked her opinion on inviting my husbands ex to Thanksgiving, of course my SIL had words for her.. And needless she did not get invited. But when I told my husband about it he was very upset with them. He told me word for word if they invite her we will never go to another family function again. I think my husband has issues with them trying to include her.. Maybe like he feels that they should be on his side thru out this.. Just because well it is his parents. The thing that kills me is the ex and his mom couldn't stand each other when they were married but as soon as they got there divorce the ex was a saint. SO I hear you all. And it took me telling my husbands sister that if the family did not quit trying to still include her that we would no longer come to family functions.. I think it finally sunk in. Because I was very stern.
Your feelings and thought
Your feelings and thought are just like mines. I can't believe we can find others like us. My inlaws pretty much know that I and my husband does not want ex to be part of our family functions so they don't invite her over. But the fact that they are still talking to her makes me sick. My husband only talks to her because of their son and that is it. What could inlaws have to discuss w/her??? That's the thing that I don't understand. Everytime I discuss w/mother in law my daughter's school break and if she can stay over her house to spend time w/them....mother in law is always asking me what about stepson???? I tell her all the time that I don't know, that is not my child. I have no idea I'm not his mother.....why would she keep asking me that when she knows that the mother has control of him. One day I'll just tell her to not ask me about stepson at all because I don't have an answer for her. People just don't get it and it irritates me. Thanks again for sharing your feelings it's good to know I'm not the only one.
-happy mom
Family Drama
I am the step mom to an amzing 9 year old boy, my husband and I have been together for 5 years and all through that time I've had to deal with his rediculous family and crazy ex wife. I have to say I hate them all, there is not one redeamable quality in any of them. They are all back stabbing liars who are only out for themselves and have no real concept of family.
My husband went through a very nasty divorce with his ex. She tried everything in (and out) of the books to make life miserable. I've never seen someone so incapable, she's filthy, she lies constantly, and she's very manipulative. My husband and I wound up supporting her and her boyfriend, and her new baby for 2 years becuase she refused to get a job. We paid all the medical and living expenses for her(Imagine what it feels like to pay for your ex-wife to have a kid with another man). Needless to say this was a major financial hardship for us and caused serious ill feelings between the ex and us. My husbands parents saw what we were going through and decided that they should stay "neutral"? My husbands family used to invite the ex everywhere, to every family function etc until we just couldn't take it anymore. My husband and the ex fight constantly and quite honestly I couldn't handle it anymore either. Family functions may not always be fun but at the minimum we should be able to go and not have a knock down drag out fight! So my husband told the family that we would not be coming to any future get togethers if she was going to be there. They weren't happy with this but they slowly started to accept it, so we thought. We eventually found out that they just schedule different appointments (a time slot) to see her and her boyfriend (did I mention there's a family portrait of the ex, her boyfriend, and their kid hanging in my MIL's living room). My husband was really hurt to find out that they were doing this as they are supposed to be HIS family. My husband approached his mom and she said they do it for my step son...that they don't want him to feel like there is a difference in family. Whatever! My husband is so hurt by their actions, we get invited to a family function then the following day they have another function but don't invite us so she can come? My issue is that my husbands family has seen all the drama, problems, lies,and genuine termoil that we've been through and yet they still make exceptions for her. It would be different if the ex was semi decent. I'm mature enough to handle being around her at functions. I would not have a problem having a civilized relationship with her if she was a civilized person but the fact is she's not and she is utterly impossible to get along with.
My family isn't like this at all, if one of us has a problem or is hurt they circle the wagons and protect each other. I don't understand it? I'm having a hard time dealing with this nonsence. I'm to the point where I just hate all of them and want to cut them out of our life all together. My husband told his mother that he will respect that she gave birth to him but that's it. He doesn't agree with her decisions and has been hurt by her actions. I don't know what else to do? Do we continue to go to the family functions? We had a blow out fight about 3 months ago and none of have really been speaking which has actually made life rather peaceful. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do but hold my husbands hand and put on a happy face.