It's hard. Does it get easier? With the teen years approaching...honestly....I don't think it will in the immediate future. The teen years can be tough. BUT hang in there!! It sounds like these kids need someone like you in thier life. It will be a challenge for your BF as well..and you will need each other to get throught it. In my case my youngest SD only lived with us for a yr at 18 yrs old...then moved out. I don't have the same experience with raising SD through those years as others on this site do. Step-parents are truly a special breed of people....and hearing from others in blended families is soooo nice...in doing so we will all help each other through-it!!

Dear Kato,
Hang in there with those stepkids! Your heart is in the right place.
Teens are really hard to work with....I can say from experience as both of my stepkids decided at different times they preferred to live with biomom as she didn't have any house rules or values. But eventually, things do sort themselves out later. My stepson was with us until he was almost 16, and he was really full of himself most of the time. He played soccer, and was active in Civil Air Patrol, but wasn't a very good student, as he didn't like to apply himself. My stepdaughter was with us until she was almost 14, but at that time, started becoming extremely rebellious, and got into the gothic scene, etc. She started doing things that my husband didn't approve of, and without his consent, so needless to say, she decided she was going to stay at her Mom's. She is still on the wild side and they are still estranged. She will be a senior in high school next year, so it's our last year of having any obligations towards her, and we just recently moved out of state.
I urge you to stick to a game plan with your husband/boyfriend as that is what will bring you through all this. I know that it's very hard not to be angry at the children's mother for their upbringing, but if there is one thing I can tell you, is that you can't fight the fact that biomom is their mom, and nothing ever cancels that out. So, hang in there, ask questions, and join in discussions. We are here for each other....some days are good ones, some are lousy...it all depends. Life for families with stepkids is no picnic. Good luck and let us know how things are going.
Regards,
Sweetie

Hi Kato,
You can't stop the hurt feelings--at least, if you're human, you can't. My husband and I don't have any children of our own; I had two miscarriages, lost due to a lot of stress during pregnancy. Maybe it was for the best. We had spent the last ten years in and out of court over custody, support, and other frivolous lawsuits brought about by his ex. For a long time, my stepson was somewhat hopeful that his parents would reconcile, but finally realized it wouldn't happen. But I was still the odd man out, as he would often refer to times when they previously vacationed together as a family. Those were pretty awkward moments for me....very uncomfortable and I didn't like them nor did I appreciate them. Sometimes I felt like he would linger on them longer just to draw me attention to the fact that I wasn't a part of that life. I was closer to my stepdaughter, or so I thought, until she hit a very rebellious stage at around 14. Then, all bets were off. She pretty much started doing things my husband and I wouldn't approve and my husband wouldn't consent to, and she basically ran off and decided not to come back for her regularly scheduled two week visitation with us. It was pretty much a spite thing, battle of wills. But she wasn't going to call the shots in our home, so she had to stay with her Mom. But irregardless, her behavior became increasingly worse and more bizarre, until it just was so bad, that the entire relationship eroded. During this entire period, although we made overtures to try and keep communication open, every effort we made was sabotage by my husband's ex. We were victims of PAS. (Parental Alientation Syndrome) At this time, my stepdaughter is a going to be a Sr. in high school next year, so we have just a year left of obligatory support and recently moved out of the state to get away from the constant problems. It's tough when you are dealing with people with narcissistic behavior and you just can't fight it.
But I do want you to know that I also understand how hard that you are trying to communicate with your stepkids with the letters and stuff. The thing is that you can't make them do or say things that they just don't want to do. People do want is important to them. I've tried that with both of my stepchildren. It just doesn't work. I know how hard you want it to work....and your heart is in the right place, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. It really hurts when you make the overtures and are ignored. But my husband used to try and say something to my SK and it just got to the point where I said, don't bother. Now, I will either tell them myself, write a letter, or don't say anything. Because I don't want my husband fighting my battles for me. So, I know it's hard...but sometimes you need to let stuff go. Maybe you try and do something special with each of them to show your support. That may help both of you. Let me know how things are going; it's a slow process but it will gradually get better.
Regards,
Sweetie

I found an article on-line that said studies show that it takes 7 years for blended families to achieve authenic intimacy... (I put a few exerpts & link on my blog..I found it very interesting!) It doesn't happen overnight, and it can be a bumpy road, and in my case I accept that my relationship with oldest SD will at best be tolerating each other. AT BEST!!!. Keep your expectations reasonable and look for the positives rather than what doesn't go the way you envisioned. Kids have alot of emotional stuff to sort out too when parents separate and new people are brought into their lives without their consent or input..they're expected to just suck-it-up! Give them time to come around ... don't give up!!

It's hard to smile when you rather scream. Giving hugs for no reason will build bridges. The teen years can be difficult, they really think that they are adults. That is if you supply them with all their needs & even some of their wants. Just talk with your man so you are comming from a common place when dealing with the children, it really helps. Then come back & get it all out whenever you want.

It's never to late to mold these child be good children. Regarding your son who is 12 and still bedwetting, you need to take him to a pediatrician. Normally bedwetting ends by the age of 7, anything after that you need to seek a physician to examine this problem. Have you try not giving him any liquids after dinner? Teens will be teens, into peer pressure, sex & alcohol....I guess we'll all go through that w/our children. Just make sure you teach her safety and peer pressure to stay away from. Regarding your boy stealing, have a policeman come to your house and talk w/your son about what happens to people that steal....He'll be scared off his pants and not do that again...hopefully. My sister did this to her daughter about lying to her and daughter freaked out cause the visit from the policeman surely made a difference in her behavior. Sign up your daughter to do sports or dance or something, give her choices and tell her that she needs to choose one and no exceptions. If not let her do some of the chores at the house to keep her busy. Hope this helps.

My 10 yr old boy has a bedwetting problem as well. It does horrible things to their self esteem....they don't choose this behavior..
The family doctor & urologist said some kids take a long time to outgrow it..but they will outgrow it. I too tried the wet-alarm..didn't work! AND I did the pull-ups thing....I think the pull-ups make it worse. They stay dry, pull the wetness away, etc and the child gets worse..at least if they pee the bed they sometimes wake up..and their brain has a better chance to "pick up the signals" He is getting much, much better...it only happens once in a blue moon now ...and only if he goes to bed really really tired....He sleeps so sound he just doesn't wake up!!! I think they try to ignore the problem because they don't know how to control it or deal with it....if they ignore it..they don't have to beat themselves up about it. (But it still affects them emotionally) Being "put in daipers" as my son put it...was not something he wanted any part of...after awhile Another friend of mine did use pull ups..her son was also 12..I lost track of her..when I moved & she & hubby split so I don't know for sure how that worked out for her.. I Keep the mattress protected in a vinyl cover and keep the bedding simple and easy to wash..I don't always put fitted/top sheets..just a blanket laid on the plastic and a comfortor on top..if it was a bad spell..I do laundary everyday anyway. He's pretty much grown out of it now..THANK GOD!!! It doesn't go on forever....