Biomom running our life
I am new to this but I need some HELP! I have 3 SS and my DH X just pawns them off on us whenever fits her schedule. I love having them here, actually it is hard because I have my own bioson who is 8 and there is a lot of fighting. For the most part they are good kids but I have no notice about if they will be here for dinner or overnight. We have a set schedule but she has a new boyfriend and if she desides to spend the night there she will just call around 6 pm and ask if they can stay. My DH just lets her do it and he never stands up to her. He acts like he is scared of what she would do if he voices his opinion. He tells me that it will not make difference if he talks to her and she will just continue to do what she wants. Of course we can't really so no to have the boys staying here, especially if they ask but I am getting fed up with it and I expressed this to DH but he says he will talk to her but he never does. He just hopes one day the kids will want to live with us permanently, but I doubt that b/c she has them so brainwashed that she is a helpless, poor mother who they can NEVER leave. The oldest is 17 and we do have custody of him but the others are 13y/o twins who she treats like one child, which also drives me crazy!! Any suggestions?? Thanks
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Hi kittymom
I had run across the same thing with my husband at the beginning of our relationship. I don't know if they are afraid of causing any type of discourse between the 2 of them. It took a while before he got good & fed up & took a stand. She was put off, & was difficult for a while, but it did calm down eventually.
That whole guilt thing that gets used by any parent may be effective, but it shouldn't be the sole reason that the children choose to stay with one parent over another. I hope things change for the better for you soon.
Thanks
I appreciate the help. I think he just does not like to argue and he always says that is what their marriage was constantly like, and I think he is just done with her. Sometimes, I just wonder where my place is in the whole situation?---should I just smile and be happy the boys are with us or let it eat me up inside and be mad at DH?
By set schedule do you mean
By set schedule do you mean court ordered? Can it be adjusted? Scheduling is an issue I struggle with myself..only I'm the one with custody..and my ex blows them off/constantly "adjusts" the schedule, shows up late, etc...
We are a child centered household...so our personal life..plans usually work around the kids...that's OK for the most part. BUT over the last 5 years..The more I conceded and "adjusted weekends", so he could go out and Play..... The more it was taken advantage of.
We all have to draw the line somewhere....but it is difficult. I try to foster the kids relationship with thier father..he is their father..like it or not..but I will take up the slack for his lack of parenting because that's whats best for my kids.
So I change my plans..for thier benefit. I'm trying to do it less now...but the kids, my 13 yr old especially..are also getting tired of being blown off..
She is starting to rebel against her Dad... She doesn't want to spend her weekends with him...Im having a tough time talking her into it. I just told her, yesterday that's it your going!! (I'm torn in how to deal with it.) He has tought her over the years, through his own actions..that friends & good times come before them ..
It's a tough position for you...
If you say no to the boys staying with you overnight...they may think that you are rejecting them & don't want them around..that would be a terrible feeling for them to have. But you can't be a doormat either!
When I start feeling really resentful towards him for neglecting his responsibilitie I just pretend he doesn't exist!!! Yep..nothing wrong with I little denial and ingnorant BLISS every once in a while.
That way...I own the 100% full-time responsibility for them 24.7 and if they go with him.. BONUS Free time for me
Court Ordered Schedule
Yep, the schedule is court ordered. In fact, when we got custody of the 17y/o she was so mad b/c she lost 1/2 her childsupport she said we were going EXACTLY by the parenting plan. My DH and I just laughed b/c we knew if something better came up for her she would just send them to us or elsewhere.
My X has finally figuered out that he has to go by our court ordered schedule. I used to be more lenient with the schedule if he had something special planned for him or switching things around but then my son stopped wanting to go with him, so the X had papers served on me saying I wasn't following the plan. It all got changed and I got stronger and just tell him, "We are going by the plan now!" and don't listen to all his wining and if he can't pick him up on his night well then he lost it and can't change it for another.
It is so hard with the step sons b/c their mom have them so brainwashed to not like me that they won't even give me a hug or show any affection to me b/c they are afraid she is watching or will find out and it will hurt her feelings so much that they might actually like me.
I guess I should just plan on them every night and if she does decide to pick them up then she does.
They may secretly like you.....after all
Guess what! My 13 yr old told my BF (in live-in stepdad role) that she loved him! That's huge for her... She gave him such a hard time when we first started dating/living together. Your not my Dad etc. Always kept him at arms length. A hug? Forget it!!!! I always knew deep down she liked him. Not only does she like him. After 5 yrs she finally admits out loud that she loves him.
My son, 10, has always told him. Your the best buddy a buddy can have! He likes everyone....
You and your husband will
You and your husband will have to decide what is tolerable for you as far as schedule changes... We enjoy being around the kids. They make me laugh everyday. We coach thier sports and find ourselves wandering around ball fields aimlessly when they aren't with us..anyway. (We're kind of pathetic & lost when they're not here.(lol))
You need to tell your
You need to tell your husband to talk to biomom that you would appreciate it if she could let you folks know 1 or 2 days ahead of time to leave the children at your house and stop this last mimute, same day drop off thing. It would drive me nuts too. Your husband needs to tell her this, and be a man and stand his ground on this rule, otherwise you're life is a her becking call. If he can't talk to her then you tell her yourself.