One of the biggest crocks in our legal system is that the mother is the best suited parent to take care of the children in a divorce. It is old-fashioned and unfortunately, we women know that women know how to work the system to make it seem like they are "poor me" all of the time. This usually works. I don't know why. Kids don't get voices. My SKs would love to live with us, but barring an act of God - they never will. It is unfortunate, because we would never put them through what they are going through. I don't know how many years you have left to deal with it, but I would suggest just letting go of the the idea of full custody. Once the papers are signed - it's over...It will give you less ulcers and more peace of mind if you just give up. If things do change, you will have a pleasant surprise...

Dear Flamin' Mama,
I am so sorry to hear that you are so upset by events that you really can't have any control over such as the legal system in custody suits with bioparents-dad vs. mom. It has been traditionally a very lopsided system for years; it is very difficult to prove neglect. Usually the best you can get or hope for is a shared custody agreement. However, I will advise you that as the children get older this kind of situation doesn't usually work out well if the parents are living in two different towns and zoned for different school districts. I am telling you this because I don't want to see you throw your money away at an attorney's office. Because they will take it, and promise you the moon. My husband and I went through years of dispute with his exwife (biomom) about the shared custody arrangements. Biomom caused so much PAS (Parental Alientation Syndrome) that there was such an advanced stage of issues with both my stepkids, that biomom was able to carefully orchestrate and manipulate the situation in getting full custody of both children . You are better off using the money constructively and making the best of what time you have with your stepchildren. I don't want to see you all wrapped up like I was for such a long time and then at the end, had the ultimate betrayal with my SD, and since she couldn't get her own way at our home, she decided to stay with biomom full time. It was a lot of heartache, hurt, humiliation, and wasted expense. In fact, my DH and I were just discussing it again this evening. It has been close to four years now, and the heartache, and pain is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. It was a lesson that both my DH and I will never forget. I know it is difficult not to lose your heart in the matter, but you have to be objective about it and realize that you would be fighting an uphill battle that you will never win. I hope that for your sake, and your husband's you can work out some way to come to peace with a shared custody arrangement, at least for the time being. I truly understand what you are going through, but make sure that you don't lose your head in this issue--your marriage should be most important. Kids will come and go, but in the end, who's going to stay with you and keep you warm? You don't want to grow old alone. I'll keep you in my thoughts...I know that the circumstances of what is going on can only fuel your anger and frustration.
Regards,
Sweetie

My husband has residential custody of my stepson. Which basically means that we have him 2/3 to biomom's 1/3. Stepson goes to school in our school district. Biomom can live where ever she wants. We have to keep stepson in the same school district.

Anyway, stepson's therapist was very instrumental in convincing biomom that the best place for stepson was our house. She basically told biomom what was wrong with her situation (way of life) and how it was bad for stepson and biomom broke down and agreed with the therapist. Since biomom spilled her guts to the therapist, everything was on record. Before it was all over, biomom tried to back out and change her mind about stepson living with us. She was reminded of everything that she admitted to the therapist and that was all it took. Biomom didn't think she would win in court with the therapist against her.

Without the therapist, I don't know how it would have went.

Dawn

But things are beginning to turn around in Nova Scotia...the last few years..hopefully its a worldwide trend. The focus now is more on the childs best interests . and less on whether its a father or mother providing the care.. more joint or shared custody..and fostering relationships with both parents.

My friend (guy) just went back to court with his ex-wife last Monday. He had sole cutody of the boys and recently found out she makes $100,000K instead of the $40,000K she told the court last year. Her husband also makes very good money. She & new husband threaten to take the kids from him...tie him up in court forever until he's broke...etc.unless he dropped the child-support issue.
He went ahead anyway...the more she appears in court..the more of her lies get documented and or exposed....Needless to say he won everything.... the child support ..sole custody...

The kids have been in therapy for several years..the mother plays many games with these children and if it wasn't for the independant documentation of this 3rd party...my friend was soooooo scared for them..There's always that element of doubt ..what if the court gives her custody.
Thank God our system is finally taking steps to get rid of gender bias and discrimination.

Keep a journal of every incident, everytime visitation is withheld or obstructed. As the kids get older, begin to think more for themselves and thier wishes have more influence with parents, court, that information will be very valuable.
I've seen case law where a mother lost custody, was denied visitation for 8 weeks and then had limited access becasue of her attempts at parent alienation....it totally blew up in her face.

We have a web-site of Canadian law cases www.canlii.org that's very interesting and educational... Do you have something similar in the States? Bide your time....keep your spirits up..there may come a time where things will change in your favour.

In my friends case.... his x initially gave up custody. When she decided to fight for custody.. there was a documented history on her via his journal, notes, and the therapist... and based on this evidence the court ordered sole custody for my guy friend.

I guess we were lucky. My husband & biomom had 50/50 custody of the boys for the first year. Both the boys were very young, 4 & 2, & they lived in the same area. Then she had enough, and had my husband take the boys. The custody is still on the books as 50/50 with my husband having primary care and control. She phones them occationally & sees them rarely. She gives no support but it may all be worth it in the long run.

So Sorry you have to go through this!! Judges think they always know whats best, sometimes they dont. The one thing you can look forward to, and its free, is the children growing up, and at age ?? (its 14 in Texas) they can decide where they want to live. Just keep being positive infuences and role models, and eventually if their home life is as aweful as you say, then the kids will decide they want to live in your household. One of my SS decided to live with us when he was 15. He had went through yrs of his bio-mom running my husband down, and brainwashing him. I guess he just wanted to see for himself, how is Dad really was. It all worked out for the best. Your's will too.