I Miss the Little Things
Since my step son moved out, there has been alot of relief and less stress on our household. But there are little things about him that I miss. Things that have eternally endeared him to my heart. Since I've known him since he was 3, he's so much a part of our lives and my heart.
I was driving down the road today and saw his old bus he used to ride from school. I remember sometimes having to race to beat it from work so I would be home when he got home. See his smiling face as he walked through the door.
I used to wonder what classes he would have taken in high school here. What activities he would have been in. If he would have found a girlfriend.
I miss the way he was with his siblings. I miss how sweet he was with our baby girl and how tender he treated her.
I even miss the stinky smells of cheap cologne wafting from his bathroom.
I just can't seem to get past my grief over the failure I feel about him moving out. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I could have been more tolerant or more "motherly". Maybe I didn't meet his needs like I had wanted to. Why was it that no matter what we did to show him love, he still rejected us anyway? I feel like I failed him and I don't like myself feeling this way.
I don't have very many happy memories of the 2 years he lived with us because it was just so dang hard. But there are a few that warm my heart to think about, but also cause a huge lump to tighten my throat and tears to well up in my eyes.
I miss him. I really do.
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I think I would feel the same way
Beth,
As I read your post, I think that I would feel the same way that you do if my stepson would decide to go back to living at his mom's house. He is with us 2/3 of the time now and it has been this way for 3.5 years.
I feel that I do so much for him now and look out for him and his needs but is it enough? I know that I am not and will not ever be his mom. I am only the person that does the things that his mother should have done when the custody was reversed, but she dropped the ball. That is why we are where we are today.
I know that when my stepson spends two weeks at a time at his mom's house in the summer, I still think about what he is doing or if he thinks about his dad and I while he is there. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy the break from the stress that comes with being a step parent. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way.
It would be hard to feel rejected.
Being a step parent can be so hard.
Dawn
UGH! The rejection!
His rejection of us was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Then I have to remind myself that we are not in this to compete for his love for his mother. I truely believe that she has some kind of emotional blackmail going on with my step son that made him change his tune from loving living with us, to hating it so terribly. And with that, I feel so terrible for him to have to go through that. So then I think to myself, "I refuse to add to his turmoil. I will not make his life anymore difficult by making him feel bad for leaving." He made his choice, whatever the circumstances were for his change of heart.
But we all miss him around here...especially my small children who love him so much.
Beth
Mixed Feelings are Okay When StepKids Move Out
For Those of you who have experienced the emotional roller coaster lives of living with stepchildren on shared custody arrangements and for some reason or another they decide to move back with their mom's (that often happens) don't blame yourselves or feel that you've been a failure. I've been through this twice now....and it is easy to go back and try and re-examine everything you've done but honestly it's just one of those things that was in the cards before you ever came along. My stepson who ended up moving out when he was 15, and moved out from his Mom's when he was 20 and joined the Air Force to be on his own had a conversation with me just a couple of months ago and told me that I hadn't done anything wrong! I know now that by waiting time does possibly change things and that my stepdaughter may change as she ran off to her Mom's after she could not get her own way with my husband and I. She refused to live by our house rules and since she wouldn't live by our rules she resides with her Mom. Then she suddenly plays the drama queen and says she is "afraid of my husband" . She's a real actress. We just went ahead and let her play it up. Since she decided she had no use for either of us, became totally irrational and erratic, starting taking her mother's prescriptions, dressing in gothic, being disrespectful, etc., a job opportunity came up for my husband to accept a civilian PCS out of state and put some distance between the ex-spouse and himself. We moved as of December and things are more quiet. We are still aware of what my stepdaughter is doing via the internet blogs of friends but at least we don't have to see it going on right in front of us. It's taken me a long time to accept that these kinds of feelings are acceptable and normal. It's only after almost ten years of putting up with this stuff that I realize that I am not the one with the problem or issues. I have been in and out of the court system for almost ten years with my husband as we have been battling with support, custody, and other frivolous issues that his ex can concoct to tie up in the court system. I could have easily paid for a brand new vehicle at least twice over by now. Lots of constructive stuff could be done with the money rather than all the time and expense that is wasted with the spiteful issues over ridiculous stuff just to waste money and make someone else miserable.
Thank you Sweetie
I really appreciate what you said. This process has been hard for me because I do really love my step-son. But I think I will work on taking your wise words and putting them into effect. I am hoping someday I can have a conversation with my step-son and work through all this. Maybe that day will never come, but I guess I need to leave it in God's hands.
I so appreciate your imput!
Beth
Being Gracious and Sometimes Choking on It
Beth,
This is especially meant for you. I know that the message I wrote earlier seemed especially meant for you. And I'm glad it could help someone, honestly I am. But believe me, that there were times, that I, myself, was crying my eyes out, with my heart broken over both of my stepchildren, with my feelings hurt. Even now, there isn't a minute of the day, that I don't wonder if they aren't okay, but I know that I can't control what they are doing. When my stepson finally came around and wrote that letter to my husband after not speaking for about two years, believe me, it was difficult not to be harsh. But I had to consider that he really needed his father. And if I wasn't there to encourage my husband to put his own hurt and anger aside and do the right thing and answer my stepson's letter, then who would? So, that night, after we received the letter from my stepson telling us that he had been in basic training camp in the Air Force for 3 weeks, I sat down at our coffee table in the living room, and wrote my stepson a two page letter. I never told my husband that I was going to do it. Later, I just set out a pen and paper, and announced to my husband, that I had a letter going out to my stepson in the morning, and it would be nice if he had one that I could enclose along with mine. His letter wasn't long. But it was a start and that's what I was looking for. I don't ask much from my husband, but I do expect him to follow me by doing the right thing.
Sometimes, yes, I may be choking underneath while I'm doing it, but I have to believe that one day in the end, it'll all be worth it.
God will watch over you, Beth. We all have days when we feel we will lose hope. Keep hanging in there and know you are not alone.
Ouch!
My stepdaughter, 12 has just gone to live with her Mom in Nebraska after almost 3yrs with us (this time) in Florida. As you said about not wanting to follow our rules... she took a run for it. lol
I need to laugh about it or I will cry. She was everything to me and now - she is back to playing all the wicked little head games her mom has taught her. I keep thinking that I should have just let her get away with bad grades, disrespect, lying... whatever would have kept her here with us. I know that is stupid, but I am destroyed over this.
I had a great job, I don't think they will take me back now after not going for nearly 3wks now. I just can't face them with all their "happy little families" Nobody has problems like me I think all the time.
I'm glad I found your message - found you sorta from ChildlessStepmoms.com. Anyway, SD let her grades drop after a long serious line of letdowns by her mom. Of course, we grounded her, more & more as it went on. She (for the third time on three different family members) told a bunch of lies to someone who called the child protective people who investigated & dropped the case. We were way to blind not to see that one coming. Her mom acted as if she always did... better us than her. SD has a long history of lies and false accusations.
All four parent agreed 3years ago that the kid does better in our household because of stricter rules and being the only child (mom has two other girls). Surprise, Mom decides to totally stab us in the back with absolutely NO support and a "place to run from problems".
SD wanted to go live with her mom, all the sudden after saying she NEVER wanted to live there again for 3 years… she HATED us and anywhere was better than our house.
Instead of waiting until SD raised her grades and the school year let out as we suggested they both just shoved us through a cheese grater. Ouch! So just like that, she is gone.
Basically, she has no rules she hasn't pulled any grades up and her one chore is to keep her room clean, I don't see how that is going to help her become a responsible adult. I feel so helpless! Now all the sudden she doesn't even want to talk to me. Triple OUCH! She won't even come visit on her spring break... I don't know how I'm going to get through this. However, it feels good to know I'm not alone and it feels very good to vent.
Thanks for being out there.
~H33
Turning the Other Cheek Sometimes Hurts
Dear Anonymous (H33)
I am so sorry that you had this trouble with your SD. You have my attention and my empathy. Been there and done that. I can only tell you that even though it seems like life has ended, you're going to be okay. At first, I didn't think I would either. But you have to concentrate on the things that you can control and focus on people and projects that are worthwhile and appreciative of your time. Right now, my SD doesn't talk to me either, so you aren't by yourself. If you only knew everything what I've been through in the last ten years. Sometimes I wonder what has kept my husband and I together through all of it. I have seen both of my stepchildren manipulate the situation; you can't fight the system and the kids know how to work it. Don't lose hope as things may change at a later time and it is possible that you have a lot of mixed feelings. I know that it took me a long time to realize that my feelings were normal and okay. Remember that there are others here around you and you can always ask for a shoulder, support, or just to talk about something else. I know that with everything you feel, there still isn't an minute of the day you don't think of your SD. But you have got to have the resolve to take care of yourself first, your husband and family first. The rest will take care of itself. Believe me, when I tell you, you're going to be okay. Have faith that those around you have travelled this path, and we will help you in whatever way we can. We have strong shoulders to carry our friends.