SOS.....Dad in need of insight
My live in GF and I each have 2 kids
I am authorative in my style and she is highly permissive with little accountability or rules.
We each handle our own bio kids discipline.
Once every month we have all of the kids together for a week.
And it is pure hell for both of us, a giant triggered mess.
Mainly for me, it's her 7 year old daughter that is the catalyst for nearly all arguments in the house.
Both of her kids were spoiled beyond measure, even on birthdays they buy the other kid a gift so the don't feel left out.Her kids dont know the meaning of the word no.
I also have compassion for how she feels.
My kids, as long as they handle obligations, have way more freedom than thiers do.
Thisk bedtime and electronics time.
If my kids are handling thier stuff, then I let them do pretty much what they want within reason.
So my kids need to have good grades and handle chores....etc.
Her kids literally toss their stuff all over, their room is a nightmare mess of dirty clothes...
They trash my house and I am often cleaning up their stuff.
Homework doesn't get done, no accountability.
They fake sniffles, ok you can stay home.
Last week my ex and I came to a head after her daughter deliberately disrespected me, told me no and that I cant tell her what to do and at that point I had enough.
She folded her arms and told me she would not stop kicking the table while the kids were watching movies.
So I picked her up and moved her to another room.
Even the other step kid - a boy 2 years older is afraid of this smaller girl and her outbursts.
My GF is talking moving out (not ending our realtionship though - just dong it in separate houses) and it is completely killing me, I love this woman so much and we make an excelllent team.
Quite frankly I am at a total loss as to how to bridge this gap with my GF.
I am feeling that my parenting is being judged, I dread my own kids coming over now and that has me crazy too.
very much at a loss as to what to do here.
Honestly I'm not sure how
Honestly I'm not sure how much this would help but I would say maybe couples counseling to get this stuff out there. Maybe some parenting classes together? SO and I did a few at the start and it helped us get on the same page as to what WE wanted to do in our home.
I don't feel you are wrong to ask for some sort of order in your shared home. The child should not be allowed to disrespect you as an adult and caregiver. On top of that the other children shouldn't be made to suffer because of her behavior.
It's not just you it's your kids. Kids can handle different discipline styles yes and even in the same home but to have to put up with her negative behavior in their own home with no help is going to create problems. It's going to cause a lot of conflict.
I think of it this way. How would I handle this at the park. I don't allow SO's kids to climb up the slides. If a different child does they look at me and I explain "not my kid but you guys are and I say no," and I'll leave it at that. Now if that other child starts throwing rocks at mine I'm going to start having issues and yes if I can't find a parent I will step in.
If your partner wont get on board with your parenting then she becomes responsible for all of it on her end. This means you do not watch her children because even a babysitter has say in how they discipline to a reasonable point. If there is an issue she should be told about it and demand she fix the problem. In this case "your child is disrupting everyone else and it's not acceptable" and it's not. Think about the real word if this kid did this sort of thing.
On a different note her moving out may be the thing to save your guys relationship. Your not an excellent team. You love each other which is great but her parenting is failing to meet your standards and that's ok. You're a parent first and its your job to provide a reasonable home for your children. They shouldn't be victims in their own home and you have the ability to stop that. I'm not saying abandon the kids. I'm not saying dump her. I'm saying two homes may be what you need to do.
You don't make an excellent
You don't make an excellent team. You probably make a hot couple but not a team. See a team all have the same goal not the same general idea to get the kids through childhood and teenhood with the least loss of blood and minimal jail time. You would be on the same chapter if not the same page of parenting. You would back each other up and be a united front.
So she wants to move out or threatens to move out because you tell her daughter to stop kicking the table. Is she allowed to get away with this at school? How many schools has this child been removed from due to 'overbearing' teachers? And another question, how many men has this little girl lived with that she feels very secure in knowing mommy will move out and she will get her own way?
I would tell her that I love her but moving out is probably best until the kids are out of our day to day lives. We will continue seeing each other but only when the kids are with their respective other parent. This way the 'team' ideal will rule and then you can revert to reality. I bet she doesn't move out. I bet she continues to use this as a weapon to mae you bend to her children's will. And I bet that was the first time that little girl got literally put in her place.
You can love this woman all you want but when she ALLOWS her kids to disrespect you and become defiant ... dude, would your boss allow someone to disrespect him and continue to keep him on the payroll? If your GF feels that you committed a major crime by moving her defiant daughter to another room ... seriously? Is she worth it? You will not die of she moves out. You will continue to breathe and eat and sort of sleep. In return peace will reign in your home and the GFs son could escape his sister to your place.
This is MY castle and there is only one King/Queen. Not some pimped up little wannabe-the-boss. Do not give in to emotional blackmail or the mini-me and her mother will have you by the short and curlies for a very long time.
I can appreciate the anxiety
I can appreciate the anxiety you are feeling about your situation.
You love this woman and want to make it work. Understandable!
However I disagree that you are a great team.
From everything you said you do not parent together, discipline together or talk about these issues openly and calmly.
In fact when you did discipline your GF immaturely threatened to move out. She clearly is not ready to make the compromises necessary in becoming a team with you.
But the good news is you can try to change that.
Think about what rules you would like to have as a household. Pick 3(you gotta do this in bite size chunks otherwise it will not work) and calmly discuss with her. Important: not following these rules has consequences. Have consequences prepared then discuss with her(consequences are a must... A Must!).
Have the skids ever been taught to clean their rooms? To have a morning routine? To do the physical maitenance that they will need to do as they grow?
(Sometimes children act out because they have not been taught basic things but instead of verbally expressing this they whine and tantrum and sulk or kick tables)
Discuss this with your GF and implement some routines you both agree on.
another thing the skids might respond to is positive statemets.
Ex. Skid is hitting tables.
Instead of telling her not to tell skid to play in her Room or than mom wants help
If after allof this she is not receptive and continues to want to move out let her.
Living apart is not the end
Living apart is not the end of your relationship, I've been doing it for years and it actually made the relationship stronger, since i moved out SO stepped up as a parent, he even learned how to cook, cause I was no longer there and SO learned how to do the dishes lol....
I have a boy and he has a girl, mine disrespected me and I shipped his ass off to boarding school age 15, his disrespected him and he bought her expensive gifts.... i disengaged and moved out.
We've been together for nearly 16 years... living apart does work
one key bit of insight that I
one key bit of insight that I missed is this.
The Stepkids dad is a total deadbeat, he was here in our city until about a month ago.
But he left to go back to his parents and didn't tell his kids.
So some of the acting out I am sure is redirected anger because she doesn't get to see her dad except on skype.
That doesn't excuse her
That doesn't excuse her behavior or mean you take it easier on her. Like I said above, what will the real world do? Nobody cares that "daddy didn't love me." If something doesn't change you are failing your children as they are the real victims in this. Their home is being controlled by a brat who doesn't respect you and who's mother is enabling her.
I get you care about this
I get you care about this little girl
Have you and your GF talked about the dad? About how using the emotional state to excuse bad behavior will only set this little girl up for failure?
You gotta talk about these things with your GF. Make decisions about these things together.
Let your GF kbow you thibk about the wellbeing of her children and you want to help teach them together with her.(if that is what you want)
Clarity of expectation and communication are key!
Any great marital team can
Any great marital team can only be made up of two equity life partners. Your partner sucks as a team member in all actuality. IMHO of course.
She is a crappy parent, tolerates being walked over by her spawn, and has no issue with them trying to walk over you.
So... is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I would also say that rather than authoritative... your style is one of structure and holding your kids accountable for their decisions... good or bad. If they choose wisely... they reap the rewards. If the do not choose wisely........ You are a quality parent. Your kids are blessed to have you. Your GF's kids certainly didn't win the parent lottery as far as their mother is concerned.
As far as your GF moving out while continuing this relationship.... I think I would give her the move date and move on yourself. At least from a relationship perspective.
Good luck and take care of you.