Finances
How do you deal with finances when there are skids involved? Who pays for groceries and other bills? Once you marry do you assume some financial responsibilities for the skids? Asking because my fiancé has always insisted on bringing his very young preschoolers to my place every time he has them but somehow he shows up empty handed and I’m left to make food arrangements and at the same time pay for electricity and other bills they consume while at my place. He has 50/50 custody and I’m trying to limit the time they come to my place until we marry (if we get there). He currently shares a house with a roommate and I prefer to stay at my place for obvious reasons. He has 2 exes ... one stays out of state with his first 2 kids who are 14 & 10 and the other ex stays in the same state, also with 2 kids who are 3 & 4. Mine are older, 21 & 16. The 21 yo doesn’t stay at home. Is this normal behavior? Should I expect to use my money to take care of his kids when we marry?
NO. Period.
NO. Period.
Your fiancé and the
Your fiancé and the biomothers should be paying for THEIR children. It is up to you to decide if and when you want to pay for something or buy them gifts.
Unfortunately, you are already setting a precedent by allowing your fiancé to come over with them and paying for/preparing their food because he is being cheap. Please STOP. It is not your responsibility to feed his children. He has pushed you into the "mommy" role by expecting you to do these things.
Talk to him about it now, set
Talk to him about it now, set your boundaries now, do not wait until after you are married to start addressing these things.
Agree with the posters above.
Agree with the posters above. I’ve been with my SO for 8 years and never once has he expected me to buy food or cook for his kids. And we live together. Until the skids age out, I’m in no hurry to get married. I like having a firm boundary in place.
Now is the perfect time to reset expectations.
The thing is every time I try
The thing is every time I try to exclude myself when he is with his kids I’m accused of being embarrassed of being seen with them.
GASLIGHTING ALERT!
Don't take that. Is this guy a bit emotionally immature?
Depending on the situation, I'd consider just plain LEVELING with him. "I'm not at all embarrassed. However, I have financial obligations that account for feeding my teenage son and me - and I can't really afford to double or triple that amount. I hope that's easier to understand - perhaps we can agree to divide up the expenses?"
I have a tough time with DW getting child support for her two kids, and I help out, A LOT, with groceries. These two kids waste a lot of the food I buy, and they'll FREQUENTLY have sleepovers and such (not to mention on the weeks they're staying at their dad's, they come by and eat the stuff I buy because their dad "only has health food" at his place). I have bought dinner out for the four of us MANY times. Believe me, you don't want to set a precedent that you can't abide by.
"I help out, A LOT, with
"I help out, A LOT, with groceries" + "These two kids waste a lot of the food I buy" + "dad 'only has health food' at his place"
This is why we now only have health food at our place. SD stubbornly and purposely wasted food. I did most of the shopping. Now I refuse to buy the crap she likes, and if DH buys it, it gets donated. He knows, so he stopped buying it too. SD never gets what she likes anymore. It was hilarious when she was throwing my food away. Joke's on her now.
It's up to you how to handle
It's up to you how to handle it. There is no requirement for you to pay even one penny towards the kids and if he has a problem with you saying no then he's not the right one for you.
Many people chose to help out and many people don't. The thing is he's taking advantage of you. He knows when he has the kids and that he wants to bring them to your place. This isn't a "I forgot" it's him being a poor parent and refusing to provide because he thinks you will.
Consider what you want for your future.
Great advice. The pressure is
Great advice. The pressure is definitely there even though we’ve had this discussion before and I’ve sent him articles to read on step parent expectations. It’s frustrating but I definitely hear you
If he can remember to pick up
If he can remember to pick up his kids for visitation, he can remember to grab some food on the way. I suspect that he is paying a large amount of child support, however that's not your burden to bear. If you let people take advantage of you they will keep doing it, nip it in the bud and keep your finances separate.
Talk to him. If it’s
Talk to him.
If it’s uncomfortable or feels like it’s going to start a fight, this is not the man for you.
In a committed relationship you should be able to talk to your partner. You don’t have to agree but if you can’t even start the conversation then you are in trouble.
He may be completely unaware that you don’t like cooking for him and his kids.
He might be trying to integrate you into his life with his kids, meals are a nice way to do that.
Let him know you don’t want to provide for them. He can grab take out or even groceries if he wants to make it a family thing.
You shouldn’t be doing anything that makes you feel taken advantage of.
Feed yourself and your 16year
Feed yourself and your 16year old before he gets there. Or, yes feed only your 16 year old and tell him that you are not responsible to fed his kids too.
If he is already gaslighting you by telling you how you’re feeling it’s not going to get any better.
I think you should simply ask
I think you should simply ask him to stop and buy groceries before bringing his kids to your place. He seems to have been pretending to be oblivious to the fact that you're stuck feeding his kids. I don't think anyone is really that dense.
If he shows up at your doorstep without groceries, you send him right to the store.
If that creates a fuss, then you'll know what you're in for. I certainly would not move in with him on those terms.
This doesn't have anything to
This doesn't have anything to do with whether you have children or not, he'd still do it anyway. The crucial point is that you have your own finances/place which he feels he has the right to use as his own - unfortunately you're enabling this at the moment so if you want it to stop you need to say 'no' and follow through.
I told my SO early on in the relationship that if he wanted to stay at my home on a regular basis with or without his DD then he had to contribute. It was uncomfortable at the time but so worth it, we've been together for nearly 8 years and now live together, the only finances we share are household bills everything else is agreed by us both as they come up. We don't even have a joint account.
You are not this mans meal ticket!
Oh hell NO..... He will not
Oh hell NO.....
He will not be bringing his brats to my house and I have to feed them, no way not my kids and not my responsibility. Stop allowing this. If he comes over with his children he will bring take away for every one.... and his brats will follow my rules... I will not wait for him to discipline them...
If I have rules like, no jumping on furniture, no feet on coach, no drinking and eating in the living room and I see one of his brats doing it, I will discipline that little snot.
Just ask him what his plans
Just ask him what his plans are for his kids' supper.... and if needed, just tell him that you've been feeding them for a while, and you don't mind cooking for them, but that it's starting to put a dent in your budget so maybe he can pitch in on food if you're going to be cooking for 3 extras.
You've trained him to bring
You've trained him to bring his kids over so you can feed them. You've only got yourself to blame sista.
Next time say, "I've already eaten and cleaned up, how bout taking the kids out to eat?" See you in a bit. Bye.
First I would not make to big
First I would not make to big deal about the kids at this point. I mean how much can a 3 and 4 year old eat. As they get older and their needs get more yes but not now. BUT that's just my opinion. My BIGGER beef would be the BF coming over eating my food, sharing my electricity, using my water, watching my tv. I don't care if he has his own place and pays rent there if he's coming over it sounds like at least half the month he better be paying for half your rent and expenses including the food he eats. If he can't afford to pay for two places I would tell him to give up his other place. Its not fair for you to be carry him.