Disengagement for ALL!
Forums:
ST World, I find myself not only disengaging from the Skids, but my in-laws too.
Is it possible to do both successfully? So far so good. I do not ever stop DH from going to see his parents. As a matter of fact I welcome it. Gives me some me time.
I am gonna save you all the details of what has been going on. I have just realized that his mom doesn't like me like she has been pretending to.
If I have it my way, she will only see me once a year. DH can go 30 times a year if he wants. I will not be making that trip.
I find it amusing that DH swears his mother loves me. I just smile and say nothing.
I disengaged from my DH's
I disengaged from my DH's mother and step father for 4 years. I did it because on a visit to them, he was incredibly rude to me, and MIL wasn't much better. I am a quiet and reserved sort of person when in company, I did absolutely nothing to provoke this. MIL is only 15 years older than me, it's not as if I'm a cheeky mare to her or anything. So for the next 4 years, I made no visits to their home at all (3 hours drive from us). DH still went with the SDs for the occasional weekend once a year, but I didn't go with. Since I have resumed going - they have been much more polite.
Good for you. It is so
Good for you. It is so obvious now. Before I couldn't tell. I don't say anything to DH because he will only deny it.
BM isn't my favorite person, but I now realize BM wasn't all to blame for they type of relationship she had with MIL.
yeah she loves you, you are
yeah she loves you, you are wrong, you are telling your husband what to do, actually how to parent, you are teaching her grand brats manners...
Don't feel bad Dani - my MIL loves me the same way, in front of you they are faking it but behind your back they are taking out the 1000 knives and do the stabbing....
I disengaged from In-laws as well, I tolerate them but that's that..
Hi Acra. Oh I know you are
Hi Acra. Oh I know you are 1000 percent right. She has talked badly about my brother in-law's girlfriend in front of me. I was so tempted to say, "I can only imagine what you say to her about me". Common sense prevailed.
I am glad I woke up and realized it, I let DH handle all gifts for HIS family.
DaniAM73 - I could have
DaniAM73 - I could have written your post, word for word.
I’m currently 100% disengaged from in-laws (and skid). It IS possible to do both, yes.
Up until this last Christmas, I had been cautiously low contact with my in-laws for 3.5 years, only sporadically agreeing to re-engage to appease DH, thinking it would be better and different. Heck, they’re only a 20 minute drive away. Convenient to have such loving and attentive grandparents and in-laws nearby, right!? Boy, was I mistaken.
This is who she is. She’s not changing.
I’m also 15 years younger than my MIL, like Kes. I don’t think it’s the main reason she’s a two-face jerk. After talking to other family members, l learned she has always been “fake nice and snarky” and “plays favorites”.
So I guess what you're
So I guess what you're telling me is when I do go around her again, to prepare myself? I am taking heed!!!
I am so glad to hear it works. I was a little worried. My mission isn't to isolate DH from his family, but to not put myself in an uncomfortable situation.
Correct. My MIL is the
Correct.
My MIL is the epitome of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It’s not my mission to punish, or keep my DH away from his parents, especially his mother, either. And when it comes down to it, and I refuse to engage, 9 times out of 10 DH will choose not to spend time with his parents. DH pulls the whole “We’re a family, you and I are a package deal.” It’s then that I have to remind him that they are HIS lying, manipulative, codependent, enabling grifter-esque parents - not mine.
Still, my MIL likes to play that card. That I’m keeping DH (and our kids from her). I’m not. I’m protecting my children from them.
I’ve ghosted them, hardcore, since Christmas Day, and they pulled their BS. I’ve blocked all their phone numbers, social media, and they know they’re never welcome to just drop by my home - ever.
Good for you. Did it happen
Good for you. Did it happen all of a sudden with her? 2016 was the eye opener for me. Her true self showed up. Had me scratching my head.
Good for you. Did it happen
Good for you. Did it happen all of a sudden with her? 2016 was the eye opener for me. Her true self showed up. Had me scratching my head.
I disengaged from my in-laws
I disengaged from my in-laws a long time ago (except DH's parents, they are deceased).
The funny (sad) thing is, that I was friends with DH's oldest sister long before I met him, but after DH and I had been dating awhile, she kind of flipped out. Oh, she claims she loves me (huge eye-roll). There is no going back, for me.
We are not sure if she was pissed because he "stole" her friend or I "stole" her brother. His family is more dysfunctional than mine and that is saying a lot. Even DH, in his own words, prefers to love them from afar.
Sounds like she might be a
Sounds like she might be a bit jealous of you. I give you props for disengaging and keeping it that way.
I found that when you
I found that when you disengage from one; it's like divorce, it usually includes all.
I adore my DIL, but when I disengaged from SD57 I had to give up that trust to DIL58; because she is also friends with SD57 on FB and they socialize a good deal; rightfully so, because they are sister-in-laws. I just don't trust the whole picture, behind my back. DH betrayed me to SD57 and she ran with it to all DH's family. When I found out all the gossip and actions that had been going on, I disengaged from them all, including DH in many ways.
I am civil and tolerate to them, including SD57, when they visit DH. I DO NOT hostess or participate in any gatherings for any of them. I dumped the entire bunch in DH's lap and he is not good at hostess or being polite to guests; so now they all know who did all the effort for 30+ years, before DH screwed it up. The entire family also realizes who was to blame for the disengagement (DH & SD57). KARMA has and does visit often these days. }:)
DH has tried several times, in the past 8 years, to get me to re-engage with his grown kids and families. I will not ever go back. I believe he thinks that I will relent and give in one day; but I guarantee it will never happen. They are nicer to me, but that is fake, for DH's sake.
I'm moving forward with people that treat me like I deserve to be treated.
Yeah I understand. Once the
Yeah I understand. Once the disengagement starts, it's hard to turn it off or go back.
I am with you on not trusting the whole picture. I would have been cautious too.
SD poisoned the well against
SD poisoned the well against me so thoroughly with her generation, I avoid seeing any of my husband's nieces/nephews. And because my husband's family is so enmeshed with their kids, I can't see my brothers-in-law without seeing their snotty, entitled kids. So no, I don't see much of any of them.
It's natural for people to take sides. I'm not fighting the battle with SD anymore, so I'm sure as hell not fighting the battle with the idiot minions she has on her team. I say let 'em all go to hell!
Hmmm makes me wonder if SS16
Hmmm makes me wonder if SS16 or SS13 have said anything to their grandmother. Although they barely call unless they want something.