"I know there are other women out there who would appreciate and enjoy my daughter"

Is it possible you're putting too much pressure on the relationship? Maybe back off a bit and let them develop their OWN bond. A stepparent/stepdaughter bond is unique and takes time to grow. Quite honestly, I didn't much like my 5 year old stepdaughter at the beginning either... because everyone kept putting pressure on me to treat her like my own, but she wasn't my own. Eventually it annoyed the crap out of me. I could easily hangout with my friend's kids or my nieces/nephews but absolutely despised spending time with my stepdaughter because it was so forced.

Leave them alone for a bit. She may never be affectionate towards her... It's not in everyone's nature to be affectionate towards every kid they meet. Maybe they just don't mesh well? It's not like there's going to be an instant connection between every 2 people that cross paths. They aren't related. Aside from you, they likely have nothing in common.

Also I just noticed you mentioned you only moved in about a year ago. Does she have kids? If not, she's probably still adjusting...

Coming from someone who moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) and had no kids, it was REALLY hard for me to adjust for the first couple of years at least. Kids touch your stuff, they're always noisy, they need constant entertainment, they always want snacks, lol it never ends!! It sounds like she was a lot like me; a single woman with cats (we choose cats because they're low maintenance, FYI... You just feed em every day and that's it!)

My DH had a lot of trouble understanding why it was so hard to adjust, but in all honesty, I had a really simple life before moving in with him and his daughter who was 2 at the time. My mornings were quiet and calm, drinking coffee and watching TV with my cats. My weekends were great... I could have friends over for drinks and we could stay up laughing and talking without worrying. I never had to worry about what expensive products or whatever I left out because nobody touched my stuff.

It's a hard adjustment. It's easy to get very, very annoyed very quickly. Have you given your girlfriend space in the house/apartment that's just hers? Does she get to go out or have friends over still? Are you making sure your daughter doesn't touch her things or bother her for something all the time? Do you handle cleaning up after your daughter when she's messy/gets fingerprints everywhere/all those things kids do? Eventually she will be more involved with her, if she gets to do it on HER terms.

My DH is way more affectionate with our dogs then he is with his kids. Everyone is different.

As a stepmother for 7 years...Other people's kids are easier. You don't have the baggage with those kids. You can have fun with them and then send them on their way. You don't have to worry whether or not you are being judged (like you are) and you don't have to worry about "parenting".

Have you talked to her about how she feels about your daughter? I find that my relationship with my skids always suffers when my DH decides to butt in. Want to accuse me of "hating" you kids or not "loving them like my own", that makes me push them away. Leave us alone, and we are fine.

lol.

Um. Yeah. There aren't other women out there who would "appreciate and enjoy" your daughter. Sorry to burst your bubble. Other people's kids just aren't that great. There may be some who would be better at tolerating her or compartmentalizing the step-parent role so that it doesn't bother them as much. That's what I've done with my step-kids, and I feel like we all have a fairly strong relationship overall...one that, as the previous commenter has mentioned, was eventually allowed to grow and develop at its own pace.

8-year-old girls are clingy and needy, and she's likely annoying your fiance to no end. I say this as someone who genuinely loves and adores kids in general. I came into YSD's life when she was around 8, and we hit it off pretty quickly. I had no problem with her and was trying hard to make it work for my DH's sake. However, the SITUATION / the role I was put into was intolerable and, though the kid was fine, I eventually had to step back because my resentment was getting misplaced onto DH's kids. I got tired of having all the responsibility with no authority, for one...I got tired of the constant chaos and disruption to my routine...I got tired of not being consulted about schedule changes that affected my life...but then being expected to pick up the slack, no questions asked...I got tired of the expectations placed on me by DH and others. I could give you countless specific details, but we'd be here all day. Eventually, I went to my DH and explained how I was feeling and took a big, BIG step back. He didn't like it at first but, now, I think my stepping back helped him be a better dad, saved our marriage, and, in time, enabled me to have a better relationship with his kids.

The reason your fiance can get excited about her friends' children is because 1.) Her role is CLEAR and unambiguous, and 2.) No one expects her to take any responsibility for these kids...no one presumes upon her. She can spend time with the kids when and how and if she chooses...and no one thinks she's awful if she chooses not to. Therefore, she is free to get excited and enjoy the kids without ever worrying that she'll be expected to do more than she is doing, that she'll be judged 'not motherly enough' or 'too motherly' in her interactions with them, or that she'll somehow get taken advantage of. It's safe for her to just be herself.

You can't possibly understand what you are asking your fiance to do...the things you are asking her to give up in her life in order to marry YOU. You are asking her to contribute time, finances, and other limited resources to a kid that isn't hers...to share these resources with another household. This is something you will never be able to repay. Maybe look hard at what exactly you are expecting from your fiance in regards to your daughter...reassess those expectations...and maybe just be a bit grateful and, like the commenter above said...back off a little and let their relationship be what it's going to be.

^^^^^ THIS!!!!!

I tried to like my SS's when I first came around. I was used to one child, my own BS. Suddenly there were FOUR boys running around, making noise, making messes.
I kept telling myself I would get used to the noise, mess, chaos....I didn't. My DH tried to force them on me so we could "bond". That didn't help the situation at all. It actually made it worse. I resented him for forcing them on me, resented the SS's for not having any manners, respect or consideration for my BS-home-authority, and I promise you it ruined any chance at a decent relationship with my SS's. They felt my stress and anxiety and resentment and I could feel theirs for me.

I had been in the SM role before, for 15 years. I raised a SD who I loved immediately and we had a very close bond. That was because we were allowed time to become close on our own terms. No one forced us together, forced a relationship or guilted me into loving her.

Honestly, if you have lived together for a year and your GF still isn't warming up to your DD, it isn't going to happen. And that doesn't mean she is a bad person. You are just projecting your idea of steplife onto her. I feel you will probably to the same to any woman who comes into your life. This is not the Brady Bunch...that was make believe. This is real life and not everyone will think your DD is a special snowflake.

I'm 8 years in, met the SDs when they were 20 mos old (twins) and 4. I loved them and had a great relationship with them. Fast forward 8 years, they are now 9 and 12. The relationships have evolved over time. I cannot stand the twins, but I put up with them. SD12 is O.K.

Being a stepparent is like riding a roller coaster, you might be "up", then puberty hits and you are "down" If they were my bio kids, I could see past all the annoyances, but since they aren't my kids, it's much harder, if not impossible.

I promise you, your daughter isn't as special as you think and no one is going to "enjoy" her. Maybe at first, when you aren't living together and you go on your first few fun outings, but give it a few years, whoever you're with, will be just as annoyed with her as your current wife is.

fpickle, it's sounds like you two are fundamentally not compatible. You do not have the same value system. You mention you are "miserable;" while you are kind to her cat you have some contempt for gf's relationship to cat; you resent gf's feelings about other kids; you have an undercurrent of feeling that you do way too much for the relationship and your gf does way too little.

This is not a recipe for future marital happiness. Perhaps some pre-marital counseling will help you sort out whether you 2 should really proceed together.

In the meantime, do not fool yourself that some co-worker's fawnings over your daughter in any way reflect the reality of living with a stepchild.

I am not usually one to suggest ending a relationship over a Skid/Sparent situation ... however, if your GF is not adult enough to treat your daughter with respect on par with the respect your daughter treats your GF with then find an actual woman rather than a spoiled brat to spend your life with.

It’s understandable that you find the situation upsetting, however I really don’t think you’re being realistic in your expectations nor do you seem able to really put yourself in your fiancé’s shoes.

Comparing friend’s kids to step-kids is not remotely in the same ballpark as it’s much easier to like someone else’s kid if they do not personally burden your life as skids do. And while you claim that your fiancé doesn't have to do anything, just having a kid in your house/life on a regular basis is a sacrifice for any step-parent. You are sacrificing your space, privacy, time with your partner etc and it just doesn't sound like you're taking any of that into consideration. I know that seems harsh and awful but it’s just the reality of being a step-parent.

Other people’s kids are also no different to adults – some you will like and gel with and others you will not. And skids loving their step-parents does not equate to the same love in return.

My SD12 loves me and views me as her third parent because I’ve been around from her earliest memories and yet I can’t stand her because she displays personality traits I find abhorrent. I try very hard to hide my dislike but she notices that I treat SS10 (who I like) differently. The reality is there’s just not much I can do about the situation, I don’t think I will ever like SD and we’re always going to clash.

The only difference is my DH is very understanding of the situation whereas you sound angry and resentful.

Have you really properly talked to your fiancé about how she feels about your daughter? You say she acknowledges SD is a good kid and while that doesn't equate to her loving your daughter or ever wanting to be a step-parent (as no one wants to be a SP), if she truly is unable to demonstrate respectful interaction with your daughter then it sounds like you both need to re-assess your relationship.

I would strongly recommend counselling to work through this stuff.

I would tell your fiance to give you the ring back and move on....

You are the typical guilty Disney Dad.... your daughter is wonderful, model child and loves her SM... but guess what only when you are close by, when they are alone your daughter turns into an evil monster telling your fiance she hates her, she's not her mother, and that mummy and daddy will be back together...

Men like you turn woman like us into skid hating people..

I have no idea how your daughter or fiancée behaves because I am not there.
If you have so many doubts call the engagement off. Tell her that as your daughter is non-negotiable and GF is obvious in her dislike of your daughter this situation will not get better any time soon.
The other option is to suggest pre-marital counselling. Who knows what will come out.
Have you asked her why she cannot warm towards your daughter? Maybe she is a constant reminder of your previous relationship with DDs mother and GF is Does DD look like your ex? Have the same mannerisms?
This will always be the elephant in the corner. And if GF is so dismissive as you say then why is she sticking around? Does she think things will change once you get married? Does she have a plan to move away with you?

Ask her. Just ask her why she did x,y & z. Maybe your daughter does have some annoying habits that you are used to. Maybe not. Does your household schedule revolve around your daughters schedule that changes on a whim? After 3 years she should have voiced her concerns or problems by now. And after 3 years of having a relationship with this woman and living with her for a year this should have been dealt with long ago.

No one has to like your child. No one has to mother your child apart from her mother. So expecting your GF to act motherly is a stretch. But you haven't given us examples of her behavior towards your daughter.

My girlfriend moved in with me with her 6 y/o daughter and 14 y/o daughter half the time. Also her dog. 

Move definately gotten the “you’re not a parent you wouldn’t understand.” Still pisses me off to this day. They really can’t objectively see their children’s behavior or what exactly SP are asked of.

Are you really that socially inept that you dont get why her friends new baby and 3 year old that she doesnt have to live with and dont affect her life at all are easier for her to appear enthusiastic about? Shes excited and supportive of her friends, not just the kids themselves.

Do you find other people's kids to be just as wonderful as your own? Or do you honestly believe that your kid is a special exception that other people will all love?

Please send your girlfriend to this site so we can support her

OP sounds entitled tbh. Everyone must love my kid blah blah blah but forgets basic human emotions and doesnt have the ability to see how this effects someone else, and while he is sitting there in a imagined position of power saying he is reconsidering, imagine how she feels. You are asking a lot of anyone to accept you when you clearly have baggage as in the child. Its wrong how you speak of her cat and sounds like you are not deserving of this woman, and expect her to do things for your child and moan when she dont. All i am picking up is resentment and seething jealousy about her mates kid and a cat.

if you want to have sex and a nanny then time to hire a prostitute and a nanny and leave the poor woman alone. What a ungrateful ass

Has it ever crossed your mind you see flaw only with her and not your child? No child is "perfect" no matter how biased we, as parents may be. 

You need to stay single if you are placing your 8 year old on a pedastal. That alone breeds resentment! Many dads say, "My kids come first" in an effort to appear as Father of the Year, how noble. You must realize that this woman will never feel toward your daughter the way you do, and why should she? 

We are not child haters, but most of us have "been there" and know what we're talking about through experiences, unlike your hypothetical fantasy based viewpoint. 

Come on down to earth for a visit, and be solution focused, instad of only looking for flaws with your finance, when I'm quite sure your child has plenty you are overlooking, which will only perpetuate and magnify over time.

You owe it to this lady to break things off and save her from the misery. And if your co-worker is receptive to your daughter, perhaps you should pursue a relationship with her, HOWEVER, unless and until you deal with YOUR issues with regard to your daughter, you will create the merry-go-round effect. In other words, the faces will change, (another woman hops on board) but the problems will be the same eventually.

you seem to be getting offended because as a post on STEPTALK people are telling you what MIGHT be the problem. NO CHILD, in ANY WAY, is a model child. You however might be a Disney dad. So you spoke to your girl, great, a 180 was made. Sweetie this is temporary. She loves you but she tolerates your child, for now. For your sake I hope she stays in that 180 spot, but rest assure it will be a matter of time before something else occurs. Her cat dies, you all have your own kid, your child becomes a teen etc that will cause her to re-think her 190. No we don’t hate children, or the skids we just know what it’s like from both sides. With skids, having our own children etc. 

Take the disney shades off, don’t expect your significant other to be in love or to even like your child she might, again, simply tolerate for you. Maybe to shut you up. My husband knows I can not stand his daughter. I do tolerate her when she comes and to be honest I really am disengaged for the most part. Our history is different and he understand. 

When she comes back from that 180 leave her be. She’s your daughter. Not anyone else’s. If she wants to be there let her. If not so be it. She wants to show emotions towards kids not living in her home deal with it. Stop forcing it. 

I just saw that your post was from 2017. How did everything turn out?

I was also wondering... a reason for your girlfriend maybe ex now doesn't seem to like your daughter.. Do you show the same affection to your daughter as to your gf? Like kissing on the lips, holding hands, cuddling, letting your daughter make decisions you and your partner should be making? Your daughter might not be misbehaved.. but if your showing the same amount of affection as you're showing to your daughter and your girlfriend, yeah it can get quite annoying. That's called mini wife syndrome, look at some of the blog posts and see if that sounds like it could be the problem.

I love my stepdaughter and we used to have a close relationship, but now she is being super clingy with her father and definitely suffers from mini wife syndrome, so yes I get excited when she goes back to her moms and yes I dread when she is home because she constantly needs to be on her dad or touching him in some way. It gets frustrating for sure... 

Just a thought.