Therapy has been very helpful for us, but both have to be willing to go and do the work to make lasting changes. I wish you well!

DH and I both went together 3 times, and like you, he said everything was my issue. After that, I went without him for about 5 months.

I thought, too, that therapy would open his eyes to our issues or at least help him see my side of things. The truth is, everyone can only take care of themselves. I understand your wanting him to get help but he does not or may not think he needs it. My DH did not believe his interpretation of events was wrong. He said I was wrong. I said he was wrong. Who is right?

I will say up front that I no longer believe in couples therapy unless there is a common ground for resolution going into it. You can't go in with your DH and expect a positive outcome if he has no idea why he should be there and if he feels that these issues belong to you. It took me a long time to understand that and really get my head around it.

I do not expect anything now from ANYONE in my life. I do not have the right to expect change from others, I just have the right to not tolerate their behavior. Whether I have a relationship with anyone is based on my own tolerance of the situation.

Yes, you care about him and love him but only HE can make any decision to change. Most people don't change unless there is a pain point involved or an undesirable outcome to be avoided. Once avoided, the old ways can quickly come back.

Again, your happiness MUST be based on yourself and MUST NOT be based on the actions of DH, skids, parents or anyone else. If your entire happiness is going to be based on the actions of others, you will be sorely disappointed. You need your own strong foundation set up right first before moving on to other's issues.

ETA: If I had known all this before I lost all love for my DH, we might have made it. The changes I made in myself allowed him to open up to me and have a better relationship. Too many bad events, though, killed us as a couple. Still, it can work for you to only take care of you...

I did couples counseling with my exH a couple of times. Note he is now my ex, although the counselor did encourage him to work on his anger issues and that was at least helpful.

My DH and I did individual counseling. Helped us both tremendously, but we were both willing participants and we each saw different therapists. We both still go back occasionally for "tune ups." Our marriage is stronger and happier than ever because WE are both stronger individuals.

My DH is 67, so I don't think your DH is too old. It was some of DH's shitty past that led him to some of the behaviors that I found hurtful, and DH loved me enough to face some old demons in order to live in the present. I had one foot out the door, so he had to make some big changes or lose me. He chose me, and it is the biggest show of love that he did this for me. I could not have predicted this outcome when we set out.

All you can do is take care of yourself, and continue to grow as a strong, independent person. If your DH is willing to take the journey himself he will benefit. But if he is not, well, you can't force him to. Ultimately you decide what you can and cannot live with.

Hi Fairyo,
I’ve been browsing this forum for a friend, but I read this post, and looked at a few of your previous posts, and decide to create an account to respond to you.
When I read about your situation, my heart broke, as it completely reminds me of my ex-husband, and our failed marriage.
In previous posts, you mention that he now:
-avoids you by going to work early and coming home tired
-sleeps in a separate bedroom
- no longer works on any intimacy, not just sex, but kissing, hugging, etc.
-will not discuss his issues with you
-appears very passive in his relations with family
- no serious issues are resolved in your relationship, only silently avoided

As for yourself, it’s clear that you:
-still love him
-will not divorce, due to love and monetary concerns
-do not wish to start a conversation about these issues, due to your decision not to separate or.divorce

When I read this, all I can think is that your husband is Passive-Aggressive. In saying this, I mean more as a personality disorder, rather than an occasional action.
My marriage devolved into no sex/intimacy. He also refused counseling. After 5+ years of no physical contact with the man who was meant to be my partner, I left. (I might add that our situations maybe different, in that I was the breadwinner in my family, so leaving was not a burden money-wise.) all I can say is that I shouldered most of the adult responsibilities in our home, cleaning, yardwork, bills, etc., and was rewarded with a passively angry man, who destroyed our intimacy.
I highly suggest you read this book: Living with the passive-aggressive man: Coping with hidden aggression - from the bedroom to the boardroom by Scott Wetzler

In my estimation, if you do not both go to counseling, and address some of your issues, particularly your intimacy, you marriage will wither on the vine. But, you maybe ok living as room mates. If you are, that’s great, but it’s unlikely things will go back to what they were without you both trying.
Personally, I started counseling myself. I recognized that a was co-dependent, and had ended up as a mother figure in my own marriage. My husband refused counseling, and I realized I yearned for a true partnership, so I left. I might add that counseling resurrected my old self, complete with self-esteem, which made the decision and process of divorce much easier.

Ultimately, what you do is your decision, but if I were in your shoes, I would continue my counseling and pick up the aforementioned book for strategies to help you deal with your husband.
I wish the best for you in your path forward.

urg you can't teach an old dog new trick IMHO.......

I'm not going to force SO, I went on my own and I asked for help dealing with situations, not to blow up and have a heart attack, that helped me allot and when SO started to see I'm not bothered by him any more, he can't push my buttons anymore, I truly give a shit about his daughter and his whole family and I am capable of living my own life, he started changing....

See I decided , I'm going to do the changing, and if he does not like it then tough.... oh after 2 months he's slowly been slipping back to his old ways again lol, previously I would be hurt and angry but past week-end I simply laughed at him and said... go and take your mantrum out on the person who pissed you off, then call me when you act like an adult again and I left..... he send me a couple off nasty text, accusing me of not loving him anymore blablabla wanting out of the relationship blablablabla, I simply ignored him. Then he changed his tactics, I made dinner you want to come over.. I replied no thank you already in bed it's too late.... The next day he was all snotty again, I ignored him... then he came by my place to take me for ice cream, as soon as the wheels where rolling he started again up with his shit, block further at the stop sign I simply got out of the car ans started walking back home.... eventually he came back and apologized for his behavior... then everything went smoothly till last night lol...

I figured it out... Princess is nailing his ass and balls to the wall, he can't say NO, cause he's a Disney Dad and I'm not interested lol... he told her last night to stop her crap and grow up, then he hung up on her and ignored all her calls...