Letting Go Of My Last Reason to Engage...
This past Sunday I threw SD a Sweet Sixteen party. Like many of us my husband, DD and I live on one and half income, due to his financial responsibility towards his BS & BD from previous marriage. My SD's mother and grandmother had been promising her a trip to Paris for her 16th since forever. For their own reasons that trip didn't happen. DH and I felt terrible we wanted to throw her a party. I don't look at our finances as separate but I'm the one who saves on our behalf because he is not able to. After paying for child support, their medical and a few of our household bills, he really doesn't have anything left. Anywho, I stepped up because I genuinely wanted her to be happy. I even placed my ego aside and let BM decorate and pretty much plan it the way they wanted it. My SD and I had hatched an idea for her to give a speech to thank the people most dearest to her and I helped her find and bought the personalized gifts. The people she chose was her Mom, Dad, Step dad, her maternal grandmother and paternal grandparents. When it came time for her speech she thanked everyone of them and had really touching words to say. The let down was that I was not included. I didn't expect her to get me a gift since I bought them but I had hoped she would at least include me. It hurt but I'm not surprised. I don't know if its that she doesn't love me or she still feels loyalty binds to her mother. It was shitty and made me feel shitty. I felt embarrassed but more than anything hurt. Her words to her stepdad were so sincere. I thought we were building and I would be thought of as someone who meant something to her. If it was a in the moment kind of speech and she forgot to mention me I could understand. This is something she worked on for a month. However, it is what I needed to allow myself to disengage. I just wanted a safe place to share this with. I have cried since Sunday night on and off, but I'm ready to release.
I would tell her exactly how
I would tell her exactly how her intentional exclusion made you feel. And I would stop doing anything for her unless she sincerely apologized and explained why she thought that was remotely OK to do.
Her father wants to talk to
Her father wants to talk to her about it. Honestly, at this point I don't even know If I could look at her. I also feel like I really don't want an apology or anything. The moment is gone and she is certainly old enough to understand what she did.
At 16, a girl is so
At 16, a girl is so self-absorbed that I wouldn't be surprised if she needs to be told that it hurt you.
I think it would be OK for your SO to tell her about it, and I understand if you don't even want to look at her for a little while.
Who knows, she might give you a sincere apology. In any case,here is your ticket to disengagement.
Thank you for the ticket.
Thank you for the ticket.
I am so tired of hearing that
I am so tired of hearing that skids, even adult ones, are so worried about upsetting their mothers.
Were the mothers not yet aware they were divorced and their ex was married/in a new relationship?
I am a BM also. I didn't and still don't care a bit if my kids have a relationship with their SM. I WANTED them to get along because it benefitted the kids to do so.
But OP, I definitely would have a conversation with your SD otherwise it will eat you up inside.
Seriously. She is married to
Seriously. She is married to the man she left DH for and DH holds no resentment at this point. I'm sure if she had done that to her stepdad DH would have called her out on it, that it just wasn't cool. I'll let him talk to her if he wants but I'm done.
I know why you just want it
I know why you just want it to be done. No apology you'll get will likely make up for the omission. And to thank stepdad but not you...sigh. I don't know what to say about that.
There may be some gender issues at work - she can be thankful to her stepdad because he's not in competition with her.
Either way, it stinks and hurts. When I finally had enough of these "death by a thousand slights" moments, I disengaged from SD. Her father told her why I wasn't coming around, apparently, and she offered to apologize, but I didn't want that. It was too late. Her apology would have been so empty and meaningless when you know the slights will just keep coming. Her offer to apologize was for her father's sake, not mine.
It doesn't sound as if you have an awful relationship with SD (because you were so willing to try to make her 16th special). Maybe if you back off and disengage for a while she might come around. I hope so. Disengagement, while more comfortable than the slights, still feels like failure on my part to some degree.
I fully felt this. In the
I fully felt this. In the past when she has slighted me and I was working myself up to disengage, I kept feeling like somehow it was a failure. Plus, I love my twelve year old stepson who is kind of outcasted by BM and her husband. However, at this point I feel like he might get older and turn on me too.
SD14 was with DH and I at her
SD14 was with DH and I at her 13th party. I don't do much planning or paying for things but SD can request a dessert or food (not both) and I'll make it. And I'm there.
BM came to that party for a while as well. SD was busy introducing all her friends to DH and BM as they came in, but not me, and I was in the room. The two other adults said nothing either. So I finally said at one point, loudly, "And I am Cover, her step mom..." SD said "Oh yeah..." I was more pissed at DH. So I left after that to our master suite and did nothing more at all. No more from me.
Your SD sounds like an effing
Your SD sounds like an effing ingrate. She's not stupid. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. F^&% her.
I'm salty today.
You and me both!
You and me both! }:)
I feel so sorry for you. You
I feel so sorry for you. You tried to do the right thing and got screwed
Your the one who payed for the party they all took credit for
No apology you'll get will likely make up for what she did
From now on I would not pay one cent to make this kid happy, let her mother and cheap grandmother pay for her now
And that Christmas, Birthday and any other gifts.
Oh my, what a triggering
Oh my, what a triggering post. My heart hurts for you and I am furious for you, all at the same time. However...
you really need to stop. Just stop, because you are continuing to participate in a
paradigm that doesn't work for YOU. Step relations are different in that many of the basic social rules we've been taught simply don't apply. There are no trophies for being the nicest doormat martyr, and you can't keep living on the hope that someday, everyone will change and look back and recognize how kind and self sacrificing you were.
I was once just like you. But my life got immeasurably better when I let go of hope, and the compulsion to try to fix others problems. What you actually did was interfere. Your SD has two parents who aren't rich, and potentially could have gained valuable insight about her BM and how to cope with disappointment. You thwarted that, wasted a lot of money on someone who doesn't even like you, and got humiliated.
You need to think more of yourself, because no one else in your step dynamic is ever going to appreciate or repay you kindnesses. Step back, close your wallet, and let these people learn the lessons set before them.
This feedback is everything
This feedback is everything and you are so right about interfering. Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation repeatedly until you have learned your lesson correctly. I have learned.
I’m angry for you. That is
I’m angry for you. That is completely acceptable. I would explain to her why from here on your disengaging from caring about her.
Her loss.
Sorry for your pain.
I hope you learned your
I hope you learned your lesson Hon,
you are the SM, nothing to these kids, they are nice as long as you pay... stop doing that.
BM promised her daughter a trip for her 16th birthday - it did not happen, nothing to do with you, you had no reason to try and bail BM out, sorry SD but blame your mother for not making it happened, she promised not us.
Stop bailing DH out, if he does not have money to entertain his daughter it's not your problem, you will never be thanked for it, IMHO SD only had to thank you for the party, no one else, cause you made it happen, instead she thanked her mother who had nothing to do with it.
I hope this is the last time you ever do something like this and never include BM in your arrangements....BM could\ve done a party all on her own.
I agree with Acratoptes -
I agree with Acratoptes - they are only nice as long as you pay. I believe I can count on one hand the amount of Thank you's I have received. Even when I am standing right there - they will thank my husband but not me. Mine know that they better thank both of us or they will get an a$$-chewing!
I know the feeling
it’s so very hurtful when you push the boat out, go the extra mile to make Christmas and birthdays memorable and special.
I’ve made mistakes on this front many times but thankfully I learn quick. After getting shat on one too many times the drawbridge has come up. No money, no treats, no special effort on birthdays or Christmas.
They simply do not deserve it and their ungratefulness is too hurtful for me to allow it any further.