Need Advice regarding Stepfamily Situation

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I am hoping I can get some advice on how to handle a delicate. I struggle being part of a step family as I can from an intact family and have no background as what is the right and wrong way to act. I just try and do my best.

Some background. My mother pasted away 6 years ago from Colon Cancer. She and my father were married for almost 40 years. She was very controlling and did not allow my father to make many decisions on his own. As a result when she died he made some REALLY AWFUL decisions that still emotionally effect our family to this day.

He started dating within months of her passing. He is now on his third relationship and they just got engaged. I may not be happy with how it happened but there is nothing I can do about it and he and her are happy. I just hope she gets a really strong prenup or he will spend all her money and leave her kids with nothing in the end. I don't care for her but she is not an evil person. We just have different personalities and I would never be friends with her if she wasn't apart of my dad's life. I have no issue if she thinks the exact same thing about me.

Here are the two issues. 1. His relationship has caused a rift in my family. My aunt on my mother's side is like a second mother to me. Unfortunately, she cannot stand his Fiance or my dad at this moment. My dad's Fiance has said and done some not so nice things in the past regarding both my mom's side of the family and my dad's side of the family. (too long to get into) As a result my Aunt refuses to be in the same place with her and my dad. My sister and I don't know how to handle it when we want everyone to get along. I may not like my dad's Fiance but we cannot not invite her she is his family now. I need to be civil and respectful of her no matter how much she hurt my family. (Not all the blame is on her my father contributed to this issue as well. I actually blame him more than her.)

How do you handle needing to put the children whether minor or adult in the middle? Why should we be forced to have separate celebrations for the grandkids birthday parties and/or special once in a lifetime celebrations. I am single so I just deal with it but this has hurt my sister so much regarding her kids. I just want to help her. I am trying to get a better perspective around the situation.

Issue 2. My dad will be visiting in March for my niece's birthday. That weekend is a Remembrance walk for a Cancer Charity I am very involved in. Usually my sister's family will join me but she can't because of my niece's birthday. I am hesitant to mention it to my father as he will want to bring his Fiance. In truth I do not want her there because of the derogatory comments she has made about my mom and her family. This event is very emotional to me and I only want friends and family who loved and knew my mom supporting me. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I mention it to him have her bring her and just grin and bare it. Knowing I will be resentful of my father again.

There are way too many issues to write in one blog. I would just like some perspective from people who have been in this situation on how to do the right thing. I want my father happy and wish him the best even if our own relationship is pretty nonexistent. I don't want to turn into the evil stepdaughter I read on these blogs. I just don't know if what I am doing is ok or making the situation worse.

Thank you for reading this. It has actually been very therapeutic to write it all down.

Without at least some details

Without at least some details as to how this woman has "wronged" all of you, it is impossible to give you useful advice...

Without any clarification, I guess I can tell you this: my very controlling mother has tried to stir the pot regarding my relationship with my dad and brothers since the beginning of time (aka their divorce almost 20 years ago). I don't let her. I tell her to butt out, which is what you need to tell auntiekins. Auntie can hate whomever she wants, but that shouldn't mean you and your sister need to change every holiday gathering to appease her.

Is perhaps auntie taking over the reigns of control left by your mother? Controlling women who have been allowed to dominate the family are no fun to deal with as a "new woman" in the beaten down man's life.

Tell auntie to take her opinions and shove em. You can be controlled by her or you can be all grown up and ignore her drama.

....and I fail to see how

....and I fail to see how it's any of your business if he decides to marry a woman and leave all his things to her instead of you. He's a big boy, capable of his own decisions, even if they're stupid decisions.

Kudos on you, though, for this part:

I may not like my dad's Fiance but we cannot not invite her she is his family now. I need to be civil and respectful of her no matter how much she hurt my family.

You're doing that much right.

You shouldn't be force to have separate celebrations for the parties.

If your aunt chooses not to invite your dad, that's between her and your dad. If your aunt refuses to go because your dad will be there, that's still between them. Don't get in the middle. Let them deal with their own crap.

Your sister is hurt, of course - but she's hurt due to issues between your aunt and your dad... your sister should man up, and tell her mom to stop acting so bloody childish. Then - up to your sister to invite her dad, because your dad should be more "priority" than your aunt, and then your aunt can suck it up and play nice for the sake of the child's whose birthday it is, or she can suck eggs and not go.

If your dad wants to bring his fiance, you should have no more comments on it than he would if you wanted to bring your significant other, if you had one. NOBODY has any say in anyone else's relationship.

I understand that you dob't want her there because she was sh!ttakling your mother - and I understand that you only want people who loved your mom there.... your dad knows this is emotional for you, yes? Maybe you can be honest with him, and say that you really don't feel comfortable having his new girlfriend at an event to honor your mother, considering all the derogatory comments she's made.

Then let him make the decision. You've made your feelings clear, he can respect them and not go / go alone - or he can make it clear to you that he is prioritizing his relationship over his adult child's feelings about a woman he's replaced.

Remember that although she's your mother, she was not his... she was his wife. You can replace a wife, but you can never replace a mother. It's different for the two of you, and you shouldn't expect your dad to be as emotional about the loss of your mother as you are. It's been 6 years, and he's with someone else now. His dead wife SHOULDN'T be a priority to him.... and as hurtful as that might be for you, it's completely appropriate for someone at his stage in life.

I hope that wasn't too harsh - wasn't meant to be hurtful.

You aren't being too harsh.

You aren't being too harsh. Like I said I don't know what the right thing to do is. For clarification. He came into the relationship with nothing. He gave all of household and heirlooms to strangers within 6 months of my mom's death.

The biggest issue and I realize it is not her but my father. He has lied my entire life. My mom hid it from all of us. He hates confrontation and will avoid it at all costs. This has cost him a relationship with his kids.

I want my father to move on and be happy. No one should grieve this long. Its just the way she responds to situations and information I stated in the below post that makes me not like her. I did sent an engagement card because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I do agree with you its my Aunt that needs to grow up and just deal with it if she wants a relationship with the kids. There are plenty of other people at the festivities she can talk to and ignore the fiance if needed.

You aren't being too harsh.

secret: I believe you gave

secret: I believe you gave solid advice, but there are two things here that confuse me: (1)I read OP's post as "SM has $$$$ and OP hoped SM would write a pre-nup or OP's Dad would spend all SM's $$$$, therefore leaving SM's kids with no inheritance.

I don't think Dad has any $$$$, if I read this right.

(2) I disagree that you can replace a spouse. How Dad handles his wife's passing, it also between he and his fiancé. My spouse, no matter our differences, is my soul mate. On the other hand my Mother was always in competition with me; she was a jealous person. I'm just saying, each person has different feelings for each death that intrudes into their life. When you lose a loved one, it is a personal grief. I understand OP putting "Mom" ahead of any other woman; plus OP notes the fiancé has made rude remarks. So there are many factors here.

I believe OP is over thinking the entire picture. OP needs to just move forward for the child's birthday party and stay disengaged from fiancé.

I also believe OP was venting here more than anything and wanted some suggestions on how to deal with this. OP sounds like a smart and respectful daughter. Good for you OP. Continue to take the high road. I get it.

secret: with that said, you have sound thinking here.

My father told her about my

My father told her about my Aunt's Marital issues at the time. When they met for the first she brought up the subject. Even after we asked her and my father to please not discuss it as it was a personal and difficult matter. It got pretty heated between the two of them. The second time they met we were discussing a my mother's other sister (bunch of us just sitting around chit chatting) She never meet this person and only knows the stories that my father has told her (This is why I mostly blame him) She called her demented and unstable to to all of our faces. Never apologized for the comment and felt she had every right to say these things because that sister does have mental issues and Fiance is a therapist. My Aunt had to immediately excuse herself and go cry in the bathroom.

She has made comments about my mother and my parents marriage to us kids. I know no marriage is perfect but my mother is not here to defend herself. My father told her about my depression and anxiety. When I first met her all she wanted to talk to me about was what types of medication I am on and how her family can help me get through it. This is something very personal to me that she should never have known about. And if my father told her how dare her announce it to a group gathering to some people that were strangers to me.

On top of that she pretends to love my father's sister but than make comments that she spends too much money and she is mentally not able to take care of herself. (Aunt's husband passed away a few years ago and is now going through rectal cancer treatment). These are all comments that you can think but do not have to be said. It seems she has no filter. As a result she has made all three siblings not like her personality.

I love my family and want to protect them. When someone makes nasty comments about them I become a mother bear and try my best to protect them.

I understand the real issue is my father and the lies he has told but she should know better than to say certain comments out loud in mixed company. I don't like her or the way she behaves but I keep my mouth shut to my father because it will only hurt him and that is the last thing I want to do. This has forced me to tell my father nothing that is going on in my life because what ever I tell him he will repeat it to her.

Well it sounds like several

Well it sounds like several of your family members have some issues that have caused problems. Your dad's fiance is a therapist? She most likely doesn't come from a family that brushes everything under the rug. No filter? As a therapist, talking about mental health and medication isn't taboo for her. It isn't some "nasty" secret. Talking about people's problems is her job. It's completely normal for her.

Mentioning that your other aunt is struggling with self care probably came from a place of concern. I don't find her comments "nasty" but I don't believe in "family secrets" either. Ignoring the fact that a family member is struggling isn't helpful.

Agreed. They're your dirty

Agreed.

They're your dirty little secrets, so to speak, but just like ANY other relationship, you can assume that what one spuse knows, the other will too. Her being a therapist, and seeing that nobody else seems to be addressing any of the elephants in the room, she probably honestly felt like she wanted to help.

She's a stranger to you of course - but she IS your dad's fiancée, and that makes her HIS family. It's uncomfortable to have someone all up in your business... but she's probably the best person to have up in your business, you know?

Invite who you want...those

Invite who you want...those invited should be adult enough to either decline or attend and be polite. You do not have to be in the middle unless you allow yourself to be placed there.

Tales of stories within the family. Are they true or better yet, are they accurate? Speaking from experience, I find that many situations similar to yours are based on hearsay. I have been lied about several times when people didn't know the whole story and decided to fill in the gaps to make a better story. I have no idea if that is what is happening here but when there is a lot of "he said/she said" you can bet that hybrid stories are running amok.

If you stay out of "who likes whom", it will make it less stressful for you. Make it known to those close to you your intentions. For instance, my SIL will always invite my SS to her Christmas party. Why should she not, even though she and I are close and she knows first hand how he has treated me? If I choose to stay home because he or anyone else for that matter will be there, that is my decision. My SIL has no blame in this.

Again, and I know you get this based on what you wrote, but who you invite may not sit well with all invited. That is not your issue and they can go get glad in the same pants in which they got mad. It is "their" problem so no need to make it yours.

Thanks all for the advice. I

Thanks all for the advice. I will continue to be respectful and do as I am for the moment. For the walk I have time to let him know about it and will decide how I want to handle it.

For what it's worth, it

For what it's worth, it sounds like there's a lot of people involved in different aspects of drama.

People do stupid things when they grieve.

Many adult children, as you've likely read on the site by now, tend to think of themselves as having a relationship with their parent that is more important than the relationship their parent has with a new partner. The truth is, the relationship with their spouse should be the one prioritized. Why do you think so many marriages fail nowadays? Because it's easy to divorce? No. Because grown ass men and women put their kids' feeeeeeelings before making it work and compromising like a family unit SHOULD.

She is not the one that is destroying the relationship between your father and his kids - the all around drama is. Just look at your post - you started by talking about how he's going through what's left (money, things etc), going to not knowing how to behave around him and her, to complaining that she knows your private business. It's all over the place - and because of that, I suspect that you're very emotionally confused... almost overwhelmed...and you're throwing information that doesn't directly relate together in the hopes that we can piece your situation together and show you a way out of that dark hole.

Let him be happy - don't get involved in their issues... this ain't your fight, baby girl, even if you're dragged into it....Live and let live applies here, big time. Focus on yourself - the rest will fall into place.

I'm sure your aunt is even more raw, because of her own husband's death, and her own stint with cancer, perhaps she feels that the engagement is bringing back all these feelings up...

and yes - 6 years is plenty of time to grieve for some people. 6 MONTHS for some....it makes no difference, it's not like he jumped in bed with her while your mother was on her deathbead, right? This is a few relationships in... you don't like her, and that's totally ok... you don't have to... but you DO have to be respectful. You don't have to go out of your way to be overly nice or anything, but you DO need to remember that she IS going to be your father's wife, and she deserves the level of respect that goes along with that position. As long as you keep doing that, you're golden.

You are exactly right I am

You are exactly right I am all over the place emotionally. I am confused as to how I should feel and what is the right thing to do. I always want to do the right thing and don't want my emotions to cloud that.

I know one thing I will always be respectful of her as my dad SO. It doesn't matter if I like her or not my dad chose her. One positive thing is she has taken the burden of caring for my father off our backs, which to me is a relief.

I think I just have to keep remembering the positives in the situation.

It sounds as if most of the

It sounds as if most of the real problem is your Father who supplied his GF with information he should have kept to himself. You mentioned he created a lot of disasters with his irresponsible behavior. GF may think that if your Father is open about family issues, the rest of the family is. Just wondering if a family member brought up the mental illness of another family member. I agree GF may have a different view of mental illness and being that GF is a therapist, she thought she would share her expertise.

You are correct. My father

You are correct. My father created most of this situation and that is why I mostly blame him.

For me, announcing to strangers my depression and anxiety issues was what put the distaste of her in my mouth. She may have thought she was being helpful but who goes and announces it to strangers that do not know me like it is no big deal. To me that violated trust. She could have been more tactful if she wanted to help. Also as a therapist who calls someone demented and mentally disturbed without ever meeting them in person.

To me it just seems all wrong in the way the situations were approached.

Since your dad is at the root

Since your dad is at the root of all this drama, you need to, IMO, set him straight. Draw some boundaries with him. Acknowledge that you will respect his new relationship and her a person but you won't tolerate him bad mouthing family. Its too bad your mom hid this from you. She could have given you tools to deal with it better. Maybe some short term therapy to work on standing up to your dad might be worthwhile. Even though he is your only parent left, that doesn't mean you have to put up with his bad choices or behavior.

Treat her cordial like a

Treat her cordial like a business associate. Be kind to her like you would any stranger. She's your dad's fiance, who knows if they will actually tie the knot. I wouldn't invite her to your mothers remembrance walk, it's a very personal event and not her place to be there.

From my perspective based on

From my perspective based on what you wrote.

Your dad doesn't have a chance in this muck. The Busy Body Aunt is just the tip of this iceberg. Anyone opposed to your dads new life are all complainers and whiners who have NO business in his affairs now that your mother has passed away.

Here is the thing, do you WANT a warm relationship with your dad or not? OR do you want to tether him from finding companionship, joy, friendship? I don't know how old your dad is but it is safe to say that he stood by your dear mother until her end, correct?

Your options are to be pleasant and kind to his Lady friend OR act like Busy Body Aunt.

Don't be surprised if dad leans towards his Lady Friend....he deserves warmth, joy, companionship too. Ask yourself, Should a widow or widower remain alone, and or select a companion on his kids terms OR his terms.

IF you can not decide who should attend an event---go meet your dad on his turf and take THEM to dinner or lunch AND be sure to invite his future wife. OR loose your dad.

JMO

Best wishes

You sound like a fantastic

You sound like a fantastic person who really wants to do the right thing. I love that you're willing to allow your father his happiness, even if his fiance is not the person you would have chosen.

You're not that close to your father, so stop telling him anything you don't want announced by his fiance. You're not losing that much - it sounds as if your father isn't your go-to person when he has his own mess! Shutting off the flow of info will help you endure his wife-to-be better. If she brings up past issues you didn't want her to know, just say sweetly, "I got it handled, so end of discussion," then change the subject. She get the idea without you having to berate her or make a huge scene.

The rest of your issues, I think, are how others are reacting to her. If you have decided to accept her (and I think that's wonderful and noble), others will have to know they might have to endure her too when you host family functions. They may stop coming, in which case you'll have to parse out your holidays to different groups. But don't cut off your dad completely. Your willingness to accept his fiance might shape into a decent SM/SD relationship in time. Maybe not. But it's always better to have another person in your court than two fewer.

You seem like such a nice person. The whole family probably needs to give your SM-to-be time to settle in. Sure, she's going to make mistakes. And you can delicately steer her away from topics you don't want her discussing. If she doesn't take the hint, maybe down the pike you just flat out say it: "As a therapist, I'm sure you can understand it's uncomfortable for me to hear you talk about my aunt. Could we steer away from talking about family?" If she's decent, she'll recognize you setting a boundary and respect it. I agree that some of her comments might have been genuine concern about a situation she sees as perilous. But you still have the right to gently take those topics off the table.

And as for the cancer walk, invite whoever will find it meaningful - probably not your dad. You already know it's going to be emotional, so take those who will share your emotion or at least won't complicate it. You can get together with your dad the following week and just explain to him the events fell on the same weekend so you had to make a call you won't have to make in other years. If he can't understand that, it's on him.

Women being labelled as

Women being labelled as controlling when someone has to step up and get things done. This is so true. Who knows what her mom may have been like if not dealing with her husband's issues. Amen to this.

I see this as a two issue

I see this as a two issue post.

First... your Aunt is no longer your dad's relative. Why would your Aunt have any interface with your dad and his STB second wife? You nor your sister need to push a relationship between you Aunt and your dad and his new wife.

Don't make it an issue by trying to mix this oil and water situaion.

Second.... Just inform your dad that you and your sister have prior plans and won't be available for him to visit. End of discussion.

Don't over dramatize this.

When your dad's wife gets shitty about your mom, her family and your dad's family then confront that crap when the lady says. Zero tolerance. Deal with it publically immediately upon the toxic sputum leaving her mouth. There is no need to try to convice your dad that his stb new wife is toxic. Just confront her behaviors in real time ... even if your dad is present.

Try somethign along the lines of "You don't know what you are talking about and get no opinion on this. I would appreciate it if you would not criticize my deceased mother and our family. Thanks. If you do this again, I will continue to not tolerate it." She will learn to keep her mouth shut and maybe your dad will learn to temper his stb wife's inflammatory comments.

IMHO of course.

seriously..... Hon, you have

:jawdrop: seriously.....

Hon, you have no business in who your father is dating and whom not, it's his life and his decision. You do not have the power to decide who attends what functions when and where unless you are the hostess....

Simply tell every one, This is my Dad, I can invite him to my place when ever I want to, if you do not want to be there with him, then stay away, you are causing the rift in the family people not Dad, he can date whom ever.

If your sister hosts a party and does not invite your dad , it has nothing to do with you, her house her decision.

Simply step out of this, you keep your relationship with your father, stuff the other people, at the end of the day it all might be blowing up and you get the blame.

I am finding it difficult to

I am finding it difficult to respond to your post because you do indeed seem to be all over the place - both emotionally and factually.

On the one hand, you say your relationship with your dad is "pretty nonexistent" and you have had resentful feelings towards him. That leads me to think you don't have much to do with him unless necessary. You don't like his fiance, which is understandable and seem to focus on the qualities of her personality which you dislike.

On the other hand, you say you are grateful that your dad has his fiance as she takes "the burden" of caring for your dad off your back.

So you don't like her, but you recognize that she has an important role when it comes to doing the hard work of caring and supporting your dad?

God forbid, if your father had a life-altering medical condition tomorrow and needed long-term physical care and perhaps financial support, would you and your sister be able to provide that? How about your aunt - would she pitch in and help?

I bring this up because maybe you should try and take a step outside your perspective and try sitting in this woman's place. She is willing to marry your dad, which I assume includes financial, legal and physical care responsibility for him, yet he has adult children and an extended family that is cool and polite at best, and hostile at worst.

Would YOU want a relationship like this? I believe you are single. If you met someone whose mother couldn't stand you, whose family members took umbrage because you speak truthfully, and who made it clear you would NEVER replace a previous partner who they LOVED - how would you feel?

Sure, you may not like her personality traits and find some of her comments out of line. Well, we all have to deal with people who don't say the right things or say the right things the wrong way. It could be our boss, a friend, or even a person you are in a relationship with.

Like most issues, there are two sides to every story. It would be interesting to hear this woman's perspective. I'm sure it would differ from yours, and her experience would probably be very familiar to those of us stepparents on this site and one we could relate to.

From a practical perspective regarding the walk, just tell your dad that on that day you and your sister have plans (just say it's a charity event, no other details) and suggest some other things for him and his fiance to do that day.

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Need Advice regarding Stepfamily Situation