Sorry OP, I could not read this wall of print. Please edit to add paragraphs, so more members will be inclined to read your post.

You have been with SO for 7 years, but the divorce has only been final for one year, and you wonder why the kids don't like you? No matter the timeline, the fact your SO left BM for you is reason enough for his kids not to like you.

What is "AMD" - I thought it was "and" but that doesn't seem to always fit in the sentence?

What Exjuliemccoy said

DH vowed to be faithful to BM and he was not. He should apologize to BM and the Skids for his infidelity, and let them know that it is his responsibility, not yours. If he was unhappy in his relationship with BM it would have ended in any case, he should let them know that as well. Assuming you knew he was married, you might want to apologize as well. You did not have any obligations to BM since you were not in a relationship with her, but what you did was not kind.

The kids' behavior is a bit immature for their ages. They need to get over it and move on. DH should make it clear to them that you are his partner and they have to accept that if they want a relationship with him. If not, they can continue to be angry far away from the two of you.

Interesting you mention you have not been allowed to engage. Thank you, I never thought of what I go through that way. Don't worry, you are not alone here, as I was not allowed to engage by the adults skids either, so I don't even have to disengage. That works for me.

I spent many holidays alone a few years into my relationship with DH. The adult skids would invite friends and other relatives and DH's late wife's family, but never me. They would tell DH to not bring me. DH would play along with their exclusion game until one day I guess he realized it isn't right. I was also told to give it time, as I knew it was wrong. What kind of people do that? My family never treated DH like that.

Anyway, a person should not be treated the way your SD treats you and perhaps your SS and his spouse do, especially in your own home. Your SO should agree to counselling. Why not, what is he afraid of? The truth perhaps that he has spoiled kids and he needs to take a united front with you and not allow his spawn to treat you like this, nor to damage any property you own. I believe she opened a sliding door forcefully. Honestly, it is your home also. If my adult skids or their spawn ever try to disrespect me in my own home, they will be shown the door immediately. As far as SD going to your work and harrassing you. I would call the local PD and file a harrassment report against her if she does this again or if you still can. Going to someone's work and doing that is just plain wrong.

You don't owe anyone who treats you like dirt an apology. These are your SO's kids and he needs to deal with them, not you. Because, no matter what you do, say, or don't do, adult skids will find fault with it no matter what. I know, because that is what mine do. Not all marriages work out. My DH's marriage was not a happy one for a long time. Unfortunately, people fall out of love and the marriage fails. It's just a fact of life. Not easy, but it's been this way through time.

Good luck.

You optimistically jumped right on board his train wreck and now expect a warm and fuzzy relationship? SO had issues in his marriage and family that he should have dealt with rather than dragging someone else into the mix. This has been going on for 7 years and I can guarantee that the dynamic is only going to get worse. Just wait until there are step-grandchildren in the mix that are programmed to hate you.

Thank god you don't have any children that have to be subjected to this drama! Where is your self respect woman? Why are you in this ridiculous situation? Surely you can see that this relationship will only spell years of future misery for you.

Your SO cheated on his wife and left his family because he was unhappy. Is he happy now or is it about time for him to find someone else to distract him from his current situation?

There are consequences for our actions. Always.

His kids see you as their father's mistress and they obviously do not respect that. After seven years, that probably won't change.

Welcome aboard!!

Of course, when a person gets into this situation, they don't realize the ugly perks come with it. It's like "you can't see the forest for the trees". Love has a way of making ugly look like roses.

Now you have to make some decisions for yourself. Seven years is enough to bring it all out; so here you are sorting it out. This is a good place to come to vent and for advice. What has happened is in the past cannot be changed, never look back, move forward.

Even though I was not the "other woman", my grown SD let me know she hated me from day one. She was jealous of our marriage and even told me she hated the fact that DH and I had a good marriage, because BM and DH never had a happy marriage. "hereiam" is right; it won't change.

After 30+ years of a very long story, I am totally disengaged from SD57. I was never engaged with adult SS's. They are very nice to me and we just stay our distance. We don't hug or get personal in any way. It's always been that way and let me tell you it's the best way.

Stay disengaged and make a life separate from your SO's kids. Don't let it enter your life, if you are going to stay with this man. It will destroy you. Ignore it and stay away from SD19. My DH has his relationship with his three adult kids, including holidays, which we agree on dates and time; I am civil when I have to be around them. I don't go to SD's house, I don't engage with her in any way. My SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter) will never cease in giving me harsh remarks and dirty looks. I just ignore them and NEVER respond to their remarks. I am a happy person and never let them change my mood, when they are around me. DH didn't like my disengagement from his Princess, because I was nice to her for 30+ years; but he now is accepting it and understands. He understands because she has shown her true colors and I have moved forward without her.

I've won my battle, because of this site and the valuable advice I've received here. I will never leave this site. It is my rock.

My DH is now very ill and hospitalized; I am contending with his kids as we speak. I send group texts for updates, I gave them is room number, telephone number; the entire information that they need to visit with him. But here is where it stops; they are not invited to my home, for any reason, while their Father is hospitalized. When he comes home, down the road (long stay), they will come visit (maybe) and I will handle it like I always do, when they come to our home. I ignore them, I don't hostess them, I don't go out of my way for them, not even a cold drink. They want lunch, they can bring it with them. This is what you will need to learn to do, if you stay.

Good Luck

You helped destroy a marriage and a family. Now you are all butt hurt because his kids are showing you the same level of respect you showed their family. :?

Lady Karma has found you.

Edited by moderator

This is why I never shared my story with y'all.

Gotta love how people jump on the affair part and don't even bother providing advice/support etc on the step parenting dynamic you came here for. Also gotta love how they pick and choose who they're going to give advice to, while being rude enough to tell you that because you broke up a family you don't deserve their advice.

Ridiculous. You don't deserve that.

If you hadn't included that in your post, the advice would probably be for you to disengage. Let dad do the parenting. Let dad do stuff for the kids. Be pleasant... but don't pay for them, don't spend your time or energy on them - don't buy them gifts, don't cook for them. Be friendly - but don't dwell on anything. Don't spend your money on them, and when Dad talks about them... "that's nice" and change the subject. When dad expects you to pay for something, tell him you don't have the budget to provide for HIS children.

Read up on disengagement, and ignore those that think they're better than you. Because, you know, karma etc... I have to suppose that those who are in the same situation without having been the other woman are in that situation because of some other crappy karma back on them...

This, thanks secret.

The percentage of men AND women cheating in their relationships is so darn high it's happened to most people. If Aunt Nelly cheated on Uncle Bob, are people allowed to mistreat Aunt Nelly, or her new partner? No. But it's ok to mistreat a stepmom? I don't get it.

Sure, your DH's kids might never feel all warm and fuzzy toward you. Might never have a friendly relationship with you. That's fine -- you can't force other people to like you no matter the circumstances. So stop trying to. But the basic standards of civility still apply. Everyone is at least polite. If the skids are not polite, your DH needs to deal with that.

Disengagement for you is the right way to go.

Congrats you have survived your public stoning on here. You were honest enough to share the background of your relationship. That takes courage, because you must have known on some level that reactions would be mostly harsh. I sense though, that those reactions would roll off your back, and you were hoping for advice or support on how to deal with your SD.

I agree with the ladies who responded to disengage. I understand SD's hurt and anger. One would hope that SD would seek counselling to come to terms or how to properly deal with this reality, as you are still in the picture 7 years later. This anger on her part is not healthy if she is showing up at your work humiliating you. I wouldn't expect her to ever like you. However if she is to go into your home she needs to be respectful. It is imperative that your SO has this conversation with her. This is the unfortunate result of how your relationship started. Take comfort,if there is any, that many SM's are treated just as poorly and they were not even in the picture when the parents divorced. As secret said, I guess we all have this karma.

I'll say it nicely because you didn't break up my family.

You can't possibly expect his kids not to hold a grudge against you. Is your post even for real? Surely you had to consider what his kids would think of you as the catalyst for the breakup, even if it was their dad's decision to break vows and wreck his family.

You say he's a "wonderful" dad, but from their perspective, he's a shit who cheated on their mom, had some woman on the side for most of their childhoods, and now expects them to accept the woman. What were you or he thinking?

You should never expect any niceties from any of them. If you get civility from any of them, as from SS, it's because they have no choice but to take you if they want their dad. They are going to make your life hell. If that matters, start over with someone else and do it right this time.

As you and SD are both adults, neither of you have to a thing to do with each other.

The girl was twelve when she watched her father walk out the door for TOW and then watched her Mom and Dad go through the divorce process for six long years. Yeah, I doubt there are any warm adoring fee=fees between you and the girl on either side. Best to just focus on your new home, your own relationship with your SO.

Let her father worry about what if any relationship he has with his daughter. He can have occasional lunches with her outside your home. You're free to not have to be involved.

I am going to play the devil's advocate and try to let you understand this picture from the view of the ex-wife. My 1st Husband left me for another woman whom he later married. Yes, we were having problems in the marriage but the attraction they had for each other seemed to narrow their peripheral vision so they saw nothing around them - not the spouses or the children who were deserted on the edges. They didn't give much thought to how their their actions affected the lives of innocent people. They justified their selfish behavior by saying they were unhappily married to other people. It would have been nice if they would have waited until I could get a job or get my finances in order before he pulled all of our money out of the bank then phoned me to tell me he was leaving. For years I blamed myself because my ex had been 'unhappy' with me, then I realized it was more about sex than anything else. It really didn't have much to do with me at all.

I DID take the high road afterward when I realized that his new wife had actually done me a favor - a few years after they were married the ex was arrested and jailed for propositioning what he thought was a prostitute. I always felt sorry for her after that. I never bad-mouthed the ex or his new wife to the kids. I was always respectful to her (actually came to like her), and expected my kids to respect her too.

But you know what? I think it would have made a big difference if both of them had just apologized to the kids and I. You wrote, "The divorce has been final for over a year now" so I am wondering why it took 7 years to finalize. Mine took a year and a half and I thought THAT was a long time. There had to be some reason why it took that long. If the divorce was only a year ago it is still pretty fresh. I'm also wondering what you and your DH did to help BM survive both emotionally and financially.

All you can expect at this point is mutual respect. If they don't want to have anything to do with you maybe you are lucky. Just concentrate on making your marriage a good one.