My dream man said: No remarriage, no new babies, not meeting his kids.

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Hi guys,

I'm in a relationship for 2 yrs with a divorced 41 yo. I'm 27.

Short story long:
- met each other and dated while he was still married (separated, living together with his wife, but not divorced).
- we deeply fell in love with each other and he confessed that the only thing that keeps him from getting a divorce is his kids (5 and 9 yo).
- During this relationship we had to split twice, each time because I was getting impatient and I urged him into getting his divorce and move in together. Otherwise, break up. Everytime I put pressure on him, he couldn't deal with that and preferred to end the relationship with me, explicitly telling me that "he is not going to leave his kids!"
- When things went quiet and I was no longer insistent about the idea, he decided he would not live without me either, so he divorced with shared custody. :jawdrop:
- bought 2 apartments: one for us, one for when the kids are visiting him.

So now I have the following problem: I desperately want and need to make the next steps into our relationship. }:) It is very likely that I was once again very insistent, reminding him everyday what I want from our relationship. He was under pressure and we had a big fight that was concluded with the confession that he "doesn't want me to meet his kids". He explicitly told me "he doesn't want to have another child (not with me, not with anyone else)", "nor to remarry"! :sick:

I am young and I want to fulfill this relationship, to marry, to have my own kids and to have a blended family. I cannot have a life were he's enjoying his own kids, far away from me. Or living my whole future life with a 'boyfriend' that splits the week (5 days with me and 2 with his kids) and is split between 2 houses. I think to hide me from his kids is a stupid masquerade.

What do you think I should do?

You are 27 and couldn't find

You are 27 and couldn't find anyone other than a still married man who doesn't want you to meet his kids?

You are there for one reason only - nookie when he wants it. You're a kept woman.

Go find someone else without all the strings attached but first figure out why you would want this situation anyway.

Thank you for the answer! He

Thank you for the answer! He could have gotten "nookie" anyway, while he was still married. I don't think he divorced just for the nookie But you're right, I chose to be in the complicated situation.

Please listen to the advice

Please listen to the advice you'll get from the women here. I was in a very similar situation at your exact age- 27, and I WISH I had listened to others.

Read your bottom paragraph about what YOU want.

Whatever you see in this man, you can find another with the same qualities, but who will also be happy to marry and have children with you. No one is irreplaceable. This guy isn't so special that you should throw away your own dreams in order to spend some of the time with him.

Right now you're young and can still make all of your goals happen. I stayed for seven years in a relationship with a man who wouldn't marry or have kids with me, and when I finally admitted to myself that it wouldn't change, I was 34. I then entered another not so great relationship. Soon I was 40. I no longer have the energy, beauty, or health that I had at 27. It will be so much harder to accomplish the things I want at this age.

Please live your life for you and what you want. Do it all for yourself, and find someone who fits your picture and shares your goals. Life really is too short.

Thank you for your answer!

Thank you for your answer! I'm very sorry about your sad experience . You are right, I have to put myself first.
But probably because you already went through that, you know that things are never that easy.
You know how they all say: "You have to fight for your relationship, because good things never come easy".
All I was hoping to find here was some sort of compromise that I can make.

He's not your dream man. End

He's not your dream man. End it.

^ this. Sometimes when have

^ this. Sometimes when have to face realities and if we have different life aims to our partners then we are not a good match no matter how good other things in the relationship are. There are plenty of other men out there who will have similar goals to you and who you will have an even more fulfilling relationship with.

@BethAnne - Thank you for the

@BethAnne - Thank you for the answer! You're totally right. Unfortunately when you are in a long-term relationship where you have invested dreams and time, it's so hard to see or think of other men.

Thanks for the answer,

Thanks for the answer, @beebeel! It's easy to say that and leave the first time things get a little bad.

It's not "easy" to admit that

It's not "easy" to admit that this guy isn't the guy you dreamed he would be. If you were OK with not getting married or having babies, you wouldn't be here. If marraige and children are "little" things and it's only a "little" bad that you won't have these things if you stay with him, you wouldn't be here.

If you think you can stay and change his mind, you are in for a world of hurt.

I cannot have a life were

I cannot have a life were he's enjoying his own kids, far away from me

Well, there ya go.

He doesn't sound like such a "dream man" to me.

Thanks for the answer! That's

Thanks for the answer! That's a worst-case scenario. Hope it will not be the case here

Uhhh. Are you positive he is

Uhhh. Are you positive he is divorced? Two apartments?

If you were equally his “dream” girl, he would NEVER put you in the position to demand, request, or remind him of anything. It would just happen and be good, organically.

Jesus. Go buy some quality running shoes and run for your life.

Thank you for the answer! 2

Thank you for the answer! 2 Apartments because the kids still suffer from the divorce and it's too soon to tell them the whole truth - at least that's his explanation.
He saw that I'm not easily impressed by spoiled kids and I don't agree with his "always-yes-father" ideas. So maybe he got scared.

Something about all you say

Something about all you say he has told you, smells off to me. I think he is lying about his situation. I would ask to see his divorce certificate. I bet you anything he will come up with some excuse why you can't see it.

Even if he is not lying about this - he is certainly not ready to make a commitment to you. I'd ditch him.

Thank you for your answer and

Thank you for your answer and for your point of view! Maybe the idea of 2 apartments has made you think he's probably lying. The kids still suffer from the divorce and it's too soon to tell them the whole truth - at least that's his explanation.
He saw that I'm not easily impressed by spoiled kids and I don't agree with his "always-yes-father" ideas. So maybe he got scared.

Regarding the certificate - I will ask to see it. thanks

It's public record , so if

It's public record , so if you know what county he got divorced in, the County Court will have that record. Ask the clerk of courts, or check online. Most courts have their docket online and searchable.

You are a mistress. He is not

You are a mistress. He is not separated or divorced he is greedy.
Leave him and go find someone else.

Thank you for your answer and

Thank you for your answer and because you shared with me your point of view!

If you want to buy a horse,

If you want to buy a horse, why are you in a flower shop?

If you want to have kids, why are you in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't want kids??? He's telling you he doesn't want kids. What part of that don't you understand? He's not lying to you - you are lying to you!

Separate apartments for kid visitation? Something seems fishy. But that aside...

He doesn't want you to ever meet his kids? Something seems fishy. But that aside...

Look, I don't know what you got into, but this guy is a loser. It took him this long to divorce the wife he was cheating on. He's not even prepping his kids to meet you - he's showing them a world where you don't exist. And when you do meet them, they will probably treat you like crap because he treats you like crap. Reclaim your dignity!!!!

Don't judge your relationship by what he says; judge your relationship by what he does. He's treating you like someone he doesn't expect to be around very long. His action (and inaction) should be telling you he's just not that into you. Why are you so eager to force a relationship that REALLY isn't working? Don't waste another second on this loser! Go find your dream man! You're young and child-free! You're a catch!

"Don't judge your

"Don't judge your relationship by what he says; judge your relationship by what he does."

Bears repeating.

Don't believe for one minute

Don't believe for one minute that he divorced his wife because he just couldn't live without you. Chance are,his wife found out that he cheated on her and kicked his ass out.

If he were really madly in love with you, you would not have to beg, plead and fight for the type of relationship you want.

He may remarry and have more kids one day, but not with you. He will do those things with a woman he truly loves. A woman who makes him work and proves that he deserves her love.

This was exactly my thoughts

This was exactly my thoughts when I read it too.

This man will never make you

This man will never make you or your relationship a priority, if you accept this you are accepting being last on the list. He's shown you how he feels - believe him.

This relationship makes no

This relationship makes no sense for you because you're not going to get what you want out of it. When he tells you he doesn't want to remarry and doesn't want more kids - believe him. And if you want those things - leave him. Don't waste any more time trying to get this man to do something he's told you he doesn't want to do. Right now he has his cake and he's eating it too, but you're not getting what YOU want.

Do you know for a fact that he's divorced? Many places have divorce records online (I verified my boyfriend's divorce that way), so you could check. It seems very strange that, if you're important to him, he wouldn't want you to meet his children. The fact that he doesn't should give you an indication of where you stand in his life.

What does your Mom say to you

What does your Mom say to you when you talk to her about this?

Read what you wrote: "I am

Read what you wrote: "I am young... I want to marry, to have my own kids...I cannot have a life were he's enjoying his own kids, far away from me. Or living my whole future life with a 'boyfriend' that ... is split between 2 houses."

Your bf has told you and shown you exactly what kind of life you will have with him.

What do YOU think you should do?

This is easy. Re-read your

This is easy. Re-read your post, the answer is in there...

I'll just go ahead and repeat

I'll just go ahead and repeat this, because I think it's all that needs to be said:

"If you want to buy a horse, why are you in a flower shop?"

(credit to Marblefawn, who is, apparently awesome)

C'mon girl. You can still have your dream man. GET OUT OF THIS MESS and go find him.

Thanks for the multitude of

Thanks for the multitude of wonderful answers. I'll try to answer everyone.

If you were in my shoes and you were willing to make a compromise in this relationship, what would that be?

DISCLAIMER: sorry for the English, I try to explain things as best as possible, given that I am not a native English speaker.

Marraige and kids should not

Marraige and kids should not be compromised factors. You will resent him. And wait...he's still married!? That's a deal breaker for most women I know.

Why are you willing to throwing away your dreams and allow yourself to be the sidepiece? Please find a therapist who can help you discover why you have so little self esteem.

No. He's not still married.

I would not compromise on

I would not compromise on marriage and children. Those are too fundamental, and if you want them, you shouldn't compromise. I would probably be willing to not meet his kids, but that doesn't really seem feasible. It's unlikely I'd be willing to have him leaving for long periods of time to see the kids, and I would lose respect for a father who was willing to not see his kids for those long periods.

I dunno... He's your dream

I dunno... He's your dream man, why WOULDN'T you want to cater to him and be there whenever he needs you, putting all your dreams on hold for him while he wrestles with his unhappy marriage/divorce/home life? That's what love IS: you give of yourself instead of expecting of others. I mean, come on, girl, you said he's your DREAM, right? Just keep putting YOUR dreams on hold, you only have two years invested. Do this another 15 years or so, then deliver him the ultimatum.

* I'm joking. He may be great, but this situation isn't what you want. That's the ultimate test. The key you have doesn't unlock any doors he has - and vice-versa. You won't change him, either... who says he won't do you the same he's done his wife and ditch you for someone much younger? I mean, hey... if that's what you want, then rock on... but I'd think you would be looking for something else.

Why are you asking us where

Why are you asking us where the compromise in your relationship should be? Compromise indicates 2 parties willing to give. He gave you his answer, you would be the only one changing all of your life goals for him.
So as long as you are willing to never be married, never have your own children and ok with him playing family with only his children and never you this is the love of your life.
After you get married, feel free to come back and post away. Good luck.

You know that this is a turd

You know that this is a turd of a relationship and no matter how much you polish it will be nothing more than shit at its core. Move on, find a man with character who will make you and his relationship with you his only top priority. That does not mean that your next Mr Right cant have kids (preferably not of course) but he must step up to be your equity life partner and put you and the relationship as the unequivocal priority. Of course any kids in the picture are the top relationship responsibility but never do that take priority over you or the relationship. Anyone who would consider hiding you is not the right guy. You know it so quit tolerating this characterless POS and his prior relationship spawn. And never forget that an equity life partnership means that both partners are equity parents to any children in the picture regardless of kid biology. Take care of you, value yourself as you should and do not tolerate anyone in your life that does not value you as they should. Good luck.

What part of "NO" don't you

What part of "NO" don't you understand?!

He's being completely upfront and honest with you, he wants a companion and bed warmer, nothing else.

What should you do? Accept it or move on.

Walk....no .....RUN,

Walk....no .....RUN, Far....Far ...Away and cut your losses and emotional strain. He is overcome with too much guilt, probably deeper than just his children. What you are asking is a natural forward progression as an adult. He is shut down based on his previous bad experiences and will die alone. Not emotionally available. Go and find yourself a Man who has his emotions and priorities in one sock.

"What you are asking is a

"What you are asking is a natural forward progression as an adult."

So babies, marriage and a second family is the only natural forward progression as an adult? Sounds to me like the guy has already done the whole traditional family thing, it didn't work out and he doesn't want a repeat. Who can blame him?

I would never tell my kids that the only way to adult is to get married and have kids. There is a big world out there, many paths and adventures to be had besides just being a 9 to 5 grunt raising a family.

SO has every right to live his life as he chooses as does OP. This relationship isn't a good fit for either of them.

"He is shut down based on his previous bad experiences and will die alone."

He has a relationship w/his children that works for him and I'm sure he could find a companion who would be more than happy being supported and not having to be a stepparent.

He's told you and shown you

He's told you and shown you who he is. He is with you 100% on his own terms and for his own pleasure. He will not accept any compromise to allow you what you want (unless it matches something he wants too).

Honestly, you are still the mistress and there are probably reasons beyond his children why you can't be a bigger part of his life.

At your age, you can and should do better for yourself. I would make a clean break and work on your own self esteem that allowed him to put you in such a low position of power.

So, reality is... this isn't

So, reality is... this isn't your dream man. Move on.

Two apartments. Why? Don't

Two apartments.

Why? Don't give me the kids are traumatised bs.

He's playing this game better than you so watch yourself or your gonna be left high and dry.

"If someone shows you who they are believe them"

Two apartments? Sorry can't get over that...

Him He is still married He is

Him
He is still married
He is hiding you from all of his official relationships
He does not consider you marriage material
He does not consider you mother hood material
He does not consider you step mother material
He does not consider you an official relationship(proven thru hiding you)
He is treating you like a semicheap object he csn leave pick up from the hiding spot
You
27 and never married
Want children
Want family
Want official relation ship/ marriage
Need love and validation
Feel that he loves you bc he bought you an apartment

Stop playing around with your own feelings!
You are worth more than to be hidden away!
A dream man will want to give you all of the things you want and need!
Do NOT COMPROMISE! Walk away for good!

Outstanding advice.

Update

UPDATE: We broke up. Lately, my obsession for a future as I dreamed for appeared on a daily basis. I terrified him with questions, with possible scenarios, with the idea that if he does not want a child with me in a few years I will go for in-vitro fertilization with donor. I asked the same questions over and over again. Basically for the last 2 months speaking only about this problems. I wanted to be consulted when he takes the kids from the bio-mom for visiting (He knows my/our schedule but still....). I have imposed some new rules.

So he couldn't take it anymore.

He told me that I was right, he is not the man that can offer me a future as I see it, because he is obssesed with his kids, still guilty about his divorce that happenend 1 year ago.

I think he is going through a phase of depression and anxiety.

Yesterday told me he is coming this week to pick up his clothes.

Now, when I asked "do you still love me?" he told me something like : "let's stay like this for a week and see how things set". - (he is now with his kids in our second house).

I'm on antidepressants wondering if I can live in a life without him.*sad*

YES, you can live without him

YES, you can live without him. You weren't truly living WITH him.

It's natural to mourn the end of a relationship. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a treat - visit a spa or buy a little something that makes you feel good. Remember the qualities you want and NEED in a relationship when you're ready to look again. {{hugs}}

Thanks

Oh hell yes you can live a life without him!

Not only can you live a life without him, you can life an amazing and far better life.

I speak from the perspective of a 23+ year marriage with an only slightly smaller age difference than the relationship you are dealing with. I am 54 and my bride is 42. Here is the historical math. We met when she was 18 and a few months before I turned 30. We married a month before she turned 19 and 5mos after I turned 30.

The math notwithstanding, one thing I made sure to be clear on very early in our relationship is that a life with her would mean repeating things that were old experiences for me but new ones for her.

Rather than limiting her experiences I engaged in enhancing my own. I have loved experiencing even things that are/were in my BTDT multiple times column with her and have relished in the joy on her face as we experienced those things together.

For us that started with our respective educations. We made education one of our marital priorities. So, since we married she has completed a dual major undergrad, an MBA and her CPA and I completed my MBA and my CMRP. I had no intention of locking this amazing woman up in the house and keeping her all to myself. I would much rather share her with the world and watch as she puts the shine on everything and everyone.

On the topic of more kids. Like your SO, I have made it clear over the years that I did not want any more children. Even when my bride was in phases where she was adamant about wanting more children. Not that I would not love having a child with my bride, I would love it. But because her OBGYNs over the years have been clear that they highly recommended that she not have more children. She had severe Toxemia/Pre-eclampsia when pregnant with SS to the point that it was a closely run thing for her to survive that pregnancy. As much as we both may have loved having a child... or 7 together... I was not willing to jeopardize her life just to put my genetic stamp on a kid. She gave me my son.

This has resulted in a couple of instances of her being severely irritated with me over the topic. But on her life... I am not willing to budge.

Please do not abandon your own happiness and dreams. SO needs to step up and experience life with you and not require for you to give up yours for him.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

You need to leave.

what I have never been able to figure out, is why anyone would refer to someone as their soul mate or dream man or whatever, when the whole relationship revolves around you trying to change their mind, actions or stance? He didn't want to get divorced. He left you not once, but twice, because he was that adamant about it. But you persisted and he got divorced. Now he is telling you that he doesn't want you in his kids life, he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want kids with you but it seems like you are persisting? Why? Are there NO other men out there that are on the same page as you. Hell this man is not even in the same galaxy as you. And let's say you persist and get him to marry you, then you persist some more and get him to let you meet his kids, and you persist some more and have a baby with him... how many people do you think are going to be truly happy in this relationship??

Think about it, that is really your bottom line problem here, there is ALWAYS going to be one of you who is not happy. Why in the world would you want to pursue a relationship like that??

Hey, just a girl...

I'm happy for you. I know you probably feel pretty bad right now, but objectively speaking, you didn't lose anything but the pain he's causing you. He wasn't going to give you what you deserve, so go find someone who will. His life is a mess, he's got all kinds of baggage. Even if he suddenly shaped up, you'd always have to worry that he'd revert to his current idiocy.

You can do so much better. If you are all alone for the rest of your life, you will have done better. You don't want to be one of those women who eats whatever crap some man dishes out to you - no one should spend a lifetime eating crap. You're better than that!Treat yourself better than he does - forget this guy.

Grab your dignity and the next time you hear from him, smile and say, "You were SO right! This has been the best week of my life! Here's the rest of your stuff. Sorry about the dog pee."

I'm pulling for you!

You are here

My dream man said: No remarriage, no new babies, not meeting his kids.