BM use to do this same thing, and I am sure she probably will at some point in the future again. We have SO's son 50% of the time, and still have to pay child support, when that was ordered I said no more, we are not The Bank of BM. The child's needs are being met at our house, we make sure of it, on top of that, because BM can't financially support her son, half the time, we have to subsidize that as well with child support, anything more would be spousal support in my opinion, and that is not happening.

Have you asked him why he feels like it is his responsibility, that seems a little general. Is he feeling guilty, scared, etc?

Is there a reason BM doesn't work? The obvious solution to someone desiring more money is to get a job when they don't have one. Or work a second part time job.

If your DH is paying regularly the state guideline/law amount, there should be no reason he is splitting the cost of everyday type shoes for his children. if h were paying half of football shoes or all of a dress pair to have for a wedding you are taking kid to, fine. But basic shoes or clothing the kid wears daily is something CS is intended for.

I am not one to believe that every dime ever spent on a kid besides healthcare/medical/dental should get the ad nauseam chant of 'that's what child support is for', but I do believe basics such as shoes or a coat is standard items that CS should pay for. On the otherhand, if the custody is a 50/50 spilt with CS still required by the state, that both homes should be buying for the individual home. The parent should buy what is needed on their time in their home... but if you have the child EOWE and pay full CS, the CP should be buying a winter coat with the CS they do receive.

I'm not sure there is really anything you can say to your DH though, if he sees his kid running around in winter owning no coat. Sure BM should buy it. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier on the kid who is freezing nor the father who is witnessing the need. Unfortunately he cant go over to BM's, drag her buns to the store and force her to purchase one.

You can tell him and explain to him about CS and how it works until your blue in the face, but is it going to change anything? You could forbid him to race out and buy the kid a coat because that is what BM should be buying with CS, but that is likely to just anger him at you, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a man willing to let their kid freeze because their wife told them they absolutely could not provide one.

I don't know what answer to your question is going to make your DH feel any less guilty. Its not his fault, he's not a rotten father who doesn't care, he did go out work hard and provide BM with the cash to get the coat... but that's not going to make him feel better when he sees his kid with no coat.

He needs to take his emotions (guilt) out of it and look at it logically. He works and pays child support to support his kids and he is a part of their lives. Making up for BM's shortcomings is not his responsibility. Making up for her husband's shortcomings is not his responsibility. The fact that BM does not work, is not his problem.

Your DH and BM are not a couple anymore and do not live together. Your DH is responsible for having a safe environment for the kids to come to, BM is responsible for the same at her house. It doesn't make him a bad dad, or person, for not doing repairs to BM's home, for not covering expenses and providing items that BM should be providing. Really, this whole scenario is ridiculous.

Does he think he is a "bad" dad? What does he care what BM thinks or says? All she is doing, is manipulating him to get what she wants.

All of this extra stuff she has him doing (and paying for) is for BM and her husband, not the kids.

Guilt is a useless emotion, that does nothing but waste energy. Doing things out of guilt, is not authentic. We've all done things out of guilt, gone to that family gathering that we didn't really want to go to, or whatever, but your husband is taking it to a different level. An unacceptable level.

From Psychology Today:

if you are guilty, it is because you are attached to judgment, and that judgment is coming from outside of you. You are going outside of yourself to define who you are and, by association, how you behave, rather than relying on your internal mechanisms of decision making and self-regulation.

He is letting BM call the shots in his life, letting HER dictate what kind of a father he feels that he is. He probably doesn't realize it, but it probably affects how he interacts with his kids, too.

It's kind of like the 12 step program. And you can't "MAKE" them not be a guilty daddy. It took Chef 12 loooonnnnnng years to stop feeling sorry/guilty for the BM and skids even though they were sodomizing him sideways with a 10 foot pole.

You can speed up the process by disengaging.

When DH wants to complain about his lot in life as regards BM/skids. . . "oh that's terrible" and then change the subject.
Is he neglecting repairs around YOUR home? (50 bucks say he is) then hire someone and hand DH the bill. "Oh we had to get this fixed right away, but I knew you'd be at the BM's house fixing XYZ so I figured you wouldn't have time to do it yourself."

A lot of this is his ego. Chef had this BAAAAAAD!! He felt by OVERpaying his CS and asking "how high" when they said "jump" made him FOTY!! "I'm a GOOOOOOD Dad because I OVERpay my CS not like all those other BAD (read: sane) dads who fight for their own rights and aren't treated like a doormat" (in so many words)

Just who are these guys trying to impress?? Themselves?

When we were first together I asked SO why he jumped to BMs every demand he said he was worried she would create problems with him seeing his DD. Over the years he has jumped less, maybe he's mellowed with age, that or he just realised that whatever he does will never be enough for her as she feels she's got a hold over him. He said himself he can't wait until his DD is 18 so he can cut her BM out of the deal altogether.

We came to realise the whining about money from BM came at the same times every year, whenever there was more expense for everyone (including those with no children in their lives at all) eg. every holiday & Christmas. She'd guilt trip him and he'd get stressed. As he was adamant in the end that he wouldn't give her additional cash which went who knows where, he changed his payment structure, BM gets some money into her account but the rest is used to pay for particular bills relating to SD like her school bus pass/school equipment which is paid directly to the bill issuer, it still adds up but at least he knows his hard earned money goes to the right place and not to BM's next weekend away! To give her credit BM does work, however, she's completely useless with money and expects everyone to help with her financial mess ups.