Battle lines drawn
So, after five years of suffering in silence I finally told DH about all the hostility and crap directed at me from his SD(30) on Friday. She is an only child and his "baby girl". He was expecting me to go with him this weekend to drop off presents for SGKs. I told him I wanted to disengage. I explained this to him with significant details and examples of her anger and tried my best to get him to see the truth. He said he would speak to her and get to the bottom of it.
So, he comes back after driving 5 hours to visit her alone (thank God). She whined and complained about being pregnant with her third child, her work is so hard, car broke down (he gave her money for this) entertaining friends for a week at their home and etc. Then instead of him addressing her behavior SD says she has been mad for over a year because we (DH and I)decided to buy land and build a house. And it is not near her but a half an hour further away. And he feels really bad for her because of this. Never mind that she has her BM, SF, FIL, MIL, aunts, uncles, cousins and etc living in her town. She wants it all. DH can't have a life after serving her for 30 years. He can not see how selfish, petty and bitchy she is. Now says he is a good judge of character and he has not seen any meanness on her part. I must be petty, lying and jealous. I should just suck it up and keep trying. Then he went on to sing her accolades and how great of a mom she is (NOT) and blah blah blah. We argued all weekend. It is now all my fault and I am crazy. (major gas lighting) He even admitted he intends to leave her one of our houses in his will. WOW!!! He said if I want a fight I will lose?!?
For my own sanity I must disengage. I want nothing more to do with this. I am a giver by nature and she is the most self centered manipulating thing I have ever seen. I was afraid to say anything for 5 years because I knew this is how it would end up and I would be to blame. The mean and horrible stepmom strikes again.
AM I really being petty and being unreasonable? I honestly don't know anymore.
SWAPEDMOM
I think this will be me in
I think this will be me in another 15-20 years if I don't continue to put my foot down with our SD. I just got into a blow out with my SO about his little precious snowflake (10) and it was bad. Something about men and their "baby girls" = automatic blinders I guess. SO thinks SD is the sweetest and most awesome child. I think she is the most manipulative, entitled brat I have ever met. He gets defensive whenever I try to address ANYTHING with his kid but he can point out what mine is doing all day long. He always tries gas lighting me when it comes to SD also. I finally had enough. I think he gets it now but I have thought that before as well. I do know if he regresses back to acting as if the world revolves around SD and continues to wear his blinders him and SD won't be in my home for much longer!
You could have saved yourself
You could have saved yourself the weekend of all that fighting by just simply saying 'no, thanks, dear, but I have things to do this weekend , you go ahead and have a nice time'.
Disengagement isn't something one needs to necessarily announce and/or go into five years worth of incidents to explain your decision.
The lady lives five hours away. Soon to be five and a half. Don't let her nor her immature behavior/attitude disrupt your daily life the way it did since Friday and all through the weekend.
The man is never going to "see" his daughter in the light that you do. He is never going to have a lightbulb moment where he goes 'oh, honey, silly me, you're so right , she is terrible'. And you can pretty well bank he doesn't want to listen to you drone on about every infraction. He loves her, her nasty warts and all.
Now about the will. See your lawyer together and be sure your wills are indeed drawn up to mutually agreement. Depending on the laws of your state, the man can not just will away a home you hold interest in. Don't fight with him. Have the lawyer clearly lay out the ins and outs. If Dh is still being an *ss, you'll have some hard decisions to make.
There are so many incidents
There are so many incidents of abusive and manipulative behavior on my SD's part it would take a book to document them all. It was rocky from the start as at our wedding she refused to talk to me and there's not a single picture of her smiling. She is 30 years old and felt majorly betrayed.
Ironically, SD is a SM to her husband's oldest child who is 13. SD had incidents of being bitchy to her SD and BM took them to court about it and wanted to reduce her time/influence with the husband's child. SD's MIL refused to allow their youngest child (SD's SIL) to go to their house because she was extrememly mean to the child. Also, the last time we were at SD's house she repeatedly slapped and hit SGK 8 for eating a Popsicle without asking. In front of us and his birthday party. My jaw dropped and I looked at my DH and NOTHING. He said NOTHING. My DH knows of these incidents and yet...Yes, the blinders are 100% on. Seems unfathomable to me. Thus, she continues her meanness. I can admit my oldest son (22) doesn't want a relationship with DH. I do not makes excuses and I do not force them into a relationship.DH is fully disengaged from my oldest BS. I also do not call DH crazy.
Thank you for making me see yes, DH are blind to the antics of their precious daughters. I will just fully disengage. I hope I am not "punished" for not wanting anything to do with this craziness.
He owns a house and I own a house. We rent his and live in mine and are looking to build a new one. I was going to sell mine after building the new house but now realize no way. I will keep it as it worth twice what his is.
SWAMPEDMOM
DH are blind to the antics of
DH are blind to the antics of their precious daughters
Just another excuse. Not all fathers are blind to their kids' bad behaviors, they just don't want to do anything about it.
First of all - do not try to
First of all - do not try to convince him why you are right and he is wrong. He will NEVER agree that his precious poopsie does anything wrong. He could see her do something overly wrong like beat a child to a pulp, and he'd find some excuse like well she just spanked him because he needed it.
The subtle digs and slights that you experience are real, but they will NEVER be acknowledged by him. I think too many SPs make a mistake by trying to justify their disengagement. They want to prove how bad the skid is. You will never win that one.
But you DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY your disengagement. You just do it.
I have a very successful disengagement from SS32 and his GF. DH acknowledges that their actions last March (home invasion) were wrong. But to DH that was a bad mistake that they made. He chewed them out and can go on. Me - I'm done.
But I do not go on about what an utterly worthless sack of shit his son is. I know that his son is a pathetic loser. But I do not press DH to acknowledge that he is. In the end SS is still DH's son and he loves him. He is so willing to grab any sliver of anything good in SS's life and hope that he is now growing up to be a decent person. I see no need to deprive DH of that hope.
I just do not have ANYTHING to do with SS or the GF. I never cussed them out (except in my mind). I blocked them on FB and my phone. They are just DEAD to me.
If DH mentions his son I just nod and talk about something else. I do not say anything like "don't mention that loser to me." Now I do come here and bitch like crazy which really helps me get it out without taking it out on DH.
DH is free to go see them. I've made that clear to him. Just not in my home.
Just say no thanks when your DH invites you to go see her. You know she doesn't want you there anyway. If he moans about her problems or sings her praises - don't disagree no matter how much you want to set the record straight. Just nod and offer him a cup of coffee.
One tactic that worked with me when I first disengaged several years ago was to tell DH that I did not want to argue and that we seemed to argue when we talked about SS or did something with him. SS did clean up his act somewhat. He went from being homeless and jobless to finding a girl with a job, a house and a car and they had a baby together.
It did seem like SS might be on a better path. So I started letting them drop by, come over for dinner, etc. We were going to let them use my vacation home (that I've owned for years before meeting DH) and take them all to DisneyWorld.
But while we were on vacation, they basically moved into our home, drank or stole many litres of booze, and ransacked our bedroom and my most personal possessions. They actually did me a favor as now I get 100% freedom from them.
My advice is not to argue with him at all about the SD. Just keep her away as much as possible.
NotasM3 thank you that is
NotasM3 thank you that is VERY helpful advice. Thanks to all. I will disengage completely, no need to explain and not and say nothing when he talks of her. I am so ready to be over the drama, my heart gets stuck in my throat and I get headaches. :sick:
^^This for sure^^. You don't
^^This for sure^^. You don't need to get their father to agree with you. You don't need to say you are disengaging. Just do it. Stay pleasant, change the subject when you can and go on. I never criticize my soon to be step kids. What I have seen over these last few years is that their dad is slowly becoming aware of their character flaws and shortcomings in general. I don't have to point these things out, they become glaringly obvious over time. In fact, it seems that the more cordial and kind I am, the more their rudeness and laziness stands out.
Having my own busy life and work help a lot. I am too busy to worry about what the grown kids are doing or saying. Several times they have said rude things about to me to their father. So he is seeing them for what they really are and has developed a position of "This is my life, I will live it like I want and with JamieG beside me."
Works for us.
I could have written your
I could have written your post 7 years ago. I put up with SD, who was also an only child, for 20+ years. She was one of the meanest people I have ever met. Like you, DH discounted her behavior and gas-lighted me with vague accusations such as I was making her uncomfortable or that he just didn't see it. I also owned the home we were living in.
Seven years ago all of SD's unjustified hate surfaced and she had a melt-down. I put my foot down - even at the risk of divorce. I banned SD from our home until DH informed her, in my presence, that she is to respect me as his wife. This has never occurred (luckily).
You have already told DH you have disengaged. Don't further discuss the disengagement. Don't bring up SD in conversation. If DH brings her up, smile, say, "Hmmm", and change the subject. If you allow her into your home be cordial but distant. If DH wants you to accompany him to visit her, use any excuse you like. You do not owe it to either DH or SD to defend yourself. If he makes vague accusations ask for specifics. Don't allow him to put you down in any way. Walk away.
Do not ever allow DH to threaten you with, "--if you want a fight you will lose?!?" Tell him you are ready. Then see an attorney as soon as possible to see where you stand financially and whether your DH has the right to will something that belongs to both of you - I doubt it in a community property state. Good thing you want to keep your house. We now own a home together but DH can't will it away without my approval.
Try to see a counselor on your own - it did wonders for me. I stood up for myself and have never been sorry, and our marriage is great.
Solid and concrete advice,
Solid and concrete advice, thank you. One more question - - - SD is having her third child in two months. Would it be rude to not visit and see the baby? Is that over the top disengagement? Would it be throwing fuel on the fire of her hate?
Thanks a million for your responses!!!
I did not go see the baby
I did not go see the baby when SS's GF gave birth. A few months later they brought the baby by. She had me hold him. I think she thought I would magically bond and want to spend tons of money on him like her mother did.
For a grandparent that little baby is the most precious thing on the face of the earth. To most of the rest of the world it's just a baby. Sweet, innocent and adorable - but not necessarily any more so than the many other babies out there.
My advice is not to get attached to the child. The evil ones will use GCs as tools. And this is not just about protecting your feelings. It's terrible unfair to a child to have GPs tossed in and out of their life at the whim of a hateful parent.
If your SD is hostile to you,
If your SD is hostile to you, why would you go see her and the baby? I don't think it's rude to not visit someone who outwardly disrespects you.
I would only go because it is
I would only go because it is SOOOO important to DH. But he refuses to see her faults, defend me and so I am in a damned if you do damned if you don't. BM will probably be there so that is another reason DH probably wants me to go to show I am not the wicked stepmom. DH drove 5 hours to see her the minute she felt a contraction with second SGK child and stayed for 3 days. First SGK was born premature and DH took a leave of absence and stayed for 9 months, probably stayed with BM even though they have been divorced for 25 years. This was before I came on the scene. SD will pretend to be nice and everyone will be gushing over SD and new SGK. She LOVES the attention and I can imagine she will pose for selfies in her full DIVA make up look and duckie pout. She will demand pictures be taken with the REAL grandma and grandpa together and post them on FB. Funny, DH was surprised when she got pregnant again with third as she is high risk and has to do the complete bed rest thing. DH even said "she doesn't seem the maternal type" Yeah, no kidding. I feel bad for the SGKs. I would not want her for a mom.
I would only go because it is
I would only go because it is SOOOO important to DH.
He says you're crazy and gaslights you, so what if it's important to him? It's important to you that he stands up for you and sees how his daughter treats you, but he doesn't.
YES absolutely. I will stand
YES absolutely. I will stand up for myself and not go along to get along. Thank you kindly HereIam.
Before agreeing to go to see
Before agreeing to go to see the new SGskid, take a few minutes and try to imagine what the visit will probably be like considering your relationship with SD and DH. It could go like this: DH would see you as the sweet, giving person that you really are. SD would suddenly have a change of heart, apologize for all of the mean things she's done and said, and you would be the perfect Grandmother to a child who adored you for the rest of your life. Then again, considering your experience with both of them, SD will be obnoxious but even more so, and more 'entitled' because she just gave birth. DH will be the doting Grandpa and concerned Father. You will be invisible to him. And STILL be 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'.
Give yourself a late Holiday 'present' or make a New Years' resolution: Start working on you. Do something every day just for you - something that makes you happy. Believe you are worthy of mutual respect - expect it from others.
Oh SandyE21 you are the best.
Oh SandyE21 you are the best. Such a lonely road we travel.I forget about me. My therapist a while back said my next project should be me too. You made me cry. Thank you.
Been there! (((HUGS)))
Been there! (((HUGS)))
When she realizes she can no
When she realizes she can no longer agitate you, she will attack DH. Get some popcorn ready.
This is SO true! Happened to
This is SO true! Happened to my DH.
Oh that would be something to
Oh that would be something to experience for sure Sandye21.
We are going on a solo trip to Tuscany Italy (I paid for it) 2 weeks after SD gives birth and will be gone for her birthday. It was a really good deal that coincides with my birthday and our anniversary. She will be fuming I can imagine. I have blocked her on FB, instagram and my phone so I won't be able to see her hissy fit.
She will find a way to get in between us, probably try to facetime with him regularly. Barf!!!