Afraid of future
I love my husband of almost 4 years and desperately want our marriage to work. He has two adult (45 & 51) loser, unemployed sons who live many states away. He has been divorced for years from their Mom who is remarried (also for a long time). They are still angry with him for ending the marriage 30+ years ago. I had nothing to do with the divorce. Both sons have substance abuse issues and have been out of work for 2 years. We no longer talk to the older son because of disrespect but the younger one, will soon be homeless because of foreclosure. I fear that my husband will want to send him money. We're already paying for his phone and sending him money when he cries. Their Mom is clearly an enabler. I don't want to support either son. They need to grow up but their Mommy continues to rescue them. I know my husband is afraid if he puts his foot down that he's afraid they won't call him anymore.
Do what I did, in the very
Do what I did, in the very same situation with my YSS54. I cut the purse strings for DH; he didn't have to do it. He never said a word, he wasn't even mad, and DH was relieved that I did it, so he didn't have to do it. I am the bad person, not DH. SD57 says to me; "You don't like YSS54." I don't dislike YSS54, I dislike the fact that he was taking advantage of us, therefore, I put a stop to it. I didn't respond to SD57, just stood my ground on the word "NO".
It sucks, because DH didn't have the courage to stop the enabling. I just said "NO", we don't have any extra money to help you out. I told DH; "let YSS54's mother do it. BM was always trying to out do us, let her do it. We are no longer going to give YSS54 money."
Now the rest of the story: I also cut the purse strings with my brother and my sister, concerning my elderly Father. I told them both, "no more, absolutely no more".
End of problem with asking for money from family members.
Thanks for the response. Our
Thanks for the response. Our monies are intertwined. In the past, we've discussed how much we should sent the SS and he always sends more than I would. I can say "no" all I want but I have also been told only once, which was once too often, they are not your sons. I am not about giving ultimatums but fear that once the 45 yr old SS loses his house, we are going to have to send him money. I think he needs to hit rock bottom and struggle a little. Of course, his Mommy won't allow that but we certainly don't have to support him
I would not stress over "what
I would not stress over "what might be". Keep your eyes and ears open and stay alert to your finances. Don't let your DH put the guilt trip on you. Tell him, "we are in this together, therefore, no family member, regardless of who, will be getting money from us." Then stick to it for anyone asking.
I would not be adverse to withdrawing a big portion of your joint funds and putting them in your name only, if your DH begins to send larger amounts than you agree. It may cause a fight, but explain you do not want to give SS45 any further money and if this is what it takes, so be it. I did this once. I didn't close the joint account, just moved the majority dollars to my name only for safe keeping. After we worked things out, we went back to an agreed financial status.
Our YSS54 no longer gets $$$$ from us, he will never drive another vehicle of ours, he will never live under our roof again. This was made clear by me, I'm the bad guy.
First let is take it's course. You can have an earnest talk with DH, if needed, on letting SS45 figure it out and/or letting BM take care of it. Tell your DH to "blame you, if necessary". That is what I have used before. You don't care, as long as it puts an end to the problem.
Wow... you are one smart
Wow... you are one smart lady. Thank you. I need to take a deep breathe and let it run its course. I like the idea of stating that he can "blame me." I've been blamed for other things by the ex and the SSs and that's fine.
I worked very hard, as so many of us have to get to this time and place in my life (mid 60s) and realize that I'll make new mistakes along the way. My DH is a good man and has my back. I understand that it bothers his biokids that their father is happily married; something that he never was to their Mom. To this day, some 30+ years after their divorce, the ex-wife refuses to be in the same room as her DH. None of them, the ex or either SS would go to the grand-daughters graduation party because we were there. I have made it clear that we will be there for the grandkids and it is their (the ex and SS's loss) if they opt to not go. Thank you again...
Either cut the money to SK or
Either cut the money to SK or they will drive you to the poor house. Then you and SK will be eating dog food.
They are losers, and will drag you down too. Because every week they will need som money for some reason
I know this sounds hard and not the loving way, but you have to love yourself first. Your hard earned money is needed when you retire
SK are not going to retire because they never worked
Did I just read that you're
Did I just read that you're paying a 45 year old man's phone bill?! Then you're sending him money when he cries? His mother isn't the only enabler, you and DH are as well.
Helping people is fine but this is clearly enabling. At what age is that poor man boy going to be expected to pay for his own phone? The guy can't afford a cheap walmart flip phone? Let me guess, he has the latest Iphone with an unlimited data plan and extra storage for all his porn.
I know this is a tough situation, my DH is an enabler too. He paid ss32's phone bill for 10 years. DH has bailed him out of so many financial situations and just paid for his adult son to do things. Basically he subsidized his life so ss could get high and party. DH was in the poor house when we married, over 10k in debt because he was buying his family and friends affection.
Nothing will change unless you do something. You're going to have to put your foot down and insist it stop and/or follow above advice and remove your finances from the pot. Don't worry about being the evil hated SM because you already are, nothing you ever do will change that. You and DH could give them everything and they'll still want more, it will never be enough.
Another reason to NEVER
Another reason to NEVER intermingle your finances when you are older and established. Then he can do whatever he wants with his money, as long as he can still pay his half of the bills. And the same applies to her.
As far as them not calling him anymore if he tells them no, is that a promise? Cause it sounds win-win to me.
I so appreciate the words of
I so appreciate the words of wisdom from all of you. Honestly, I always thought about the option of divorce vs separating our monies which is a much better option. We are retired and living a nice life because we are budgeting and managing our lives. We earned that. The S
kids are the only red flag and its a huge one. The Skids were both working when we met and due to substance abuse and other BS they are no longer working. Yes, I need to put my foot down. I went to bed last night furious and don't want to that again.
I'll repeat myself. Don't
I'll repeat myself. Don't stress it, until you need to do so. Don't go to bed mad and don't think about things that have not taken place. It poisons your mind.
You are smart enough to handle this, IF it happens.
Don't let this enter your marriage, if it never happens.
(((hugs))))
I've been here, and I get it.
Many thanks for sharing your
Many thanks for sharing your words of wisdom.
Many thanks for sharing your
Many thanks for sharing your words of wisdom.
Many thanks for sharing your
Many thanks for sharing your words of wisdom.
Seriously, why is he afraid
Seriously, why is he afraid that they won't call him anymore? If their relationship hinges on him giving them money, who cares if they stop calling? That is not much of a relationship in the first place.
My SD26 is mad at my husband because he refuses to let her bring her criminal boyfriend to our home. She has stopped calling him. He misses her but there is no way in hell he is going to give in to her. She does not call the shots in our lives or their relationship. If she wants to make their relationship about HER needs and wants (and the boyfriend), she can stay away.
She has asked for money in the past and since she does not work to support herself (does not even try), DH refuses to help her financially. She is already dependent on her mother and the state, we will not enable her further. BM created this co-dependency, she can continue to support it.
There is no way I would stand by and let my husband continue to financially support 2 man-babies. How will they ever learn to survive on their own? What happens if BM dies?
Definitely separate funds and DO NOT cover him in any way if he runs short. They don't realize how much money they throw at their loser kids, as long as finances are mingled and a spouse is essentially covering for them.
It is sad to me that my
It is sad to me that my husband, after speaking with him has quickly opted to separate our monies vs say anything to his baby 45 year old. I even asked, when and where does this enabling end and what are we teaching this man child? Reality is that it is only going to get worse. The "baby" has not done ONE thing in more than 2 years to change his situation. He doesn't need to! His Mommy is supporting because he has no other income.
I know what I need to do and will begin that process today even though I had greater hopes for my husband. Respect or lack of respect for him as a father certainly is a hard reality for me to accept. Learning to keep my mouth shut is my biggest challenge. Motivation is that I want my marriage to work and last!
You probably feel your
You probably feel your actions will hurt your marriage; it might happen. But you need to protect yourself for sure.
I did take action, it saved my marriage and ridded the enabling of YSS54.
Don't short yourself, if your DH threatens divorce. My DH said he wanted a divorce, when we had problems with SD. I said, "no problem, but I'm sticking to my boundaries". When I drew up a financial statement (we have no debt), he was taken back at what a divorce was going to cost him, after 38 years of marriage. He even told friends, "I can't afford to divorce". I just laughed.
My DH even tried to work on my sympathy with his health, needing his home, on and on. I stuck with it (4 years ago). We are doing well now, because I called his bluff. I love my DH very much, but will not tolerate skids entering our marriage ever again.
It is sad, as you say. It changes your feelings, your trust, and your marriage. But it has a way of working out for the best.
((((hugs))))
^^^This!!!^^^ Your DH is
^^^This!!!^^^ Your DH is doing the same thing the skids are doing - threatening alienation if they don't get money. This is extortion. Manipulating someone by making threats to leave or divorce should be stopped now. As Sammi wrote, "call his bluff." Even if he is not bluffing, is it really worth being held hostage to save a marriage where you are not respected? Tell him you are very glad he separated the finances and inform him you will not be bailing him out again.