I didn't go and it was for the best!
Forums:
I didn't go to the concert in the end. I had an excuse that my sister was still staying with us and I'd had my grandkids for the weekend so was very tired. SS went in my place so it was a real family outing for DH- he had all his kids and even his grand-daughter with him and I had a relaxing evening with my sister after my family left.
Disengagement really is the best thing-I'm hoping Christmas will be just as stress-free!
thus comes Christmas skids
Disengagement is really the best thing to do
He's not too happy about
He's not too happy about spending Christmas on his own with me but he'll have to suck it up. I'm expecting him to 'pop out' to OSDs on Christmas morning. I had Christmas dinner there once but feel no desire to do it again- so much for the season of goodwill lol!
Good for you. I'm also
Good for you. I'm also hoping Christmas is better.
It is a great relief to know that staying away from it gets easier, each time you do it.
I hate it all, but it all heals itself if we don't subject ourselves to the same ole' crap every event.
(((hugs)))
Disengagement is not easy, but works for me in regards to my mental and physical health.
I am looking forward to a
I am looking forward to a quiet Christmas this year- who knows, I might even get a hug lol! I asked im what he'd like and he said nothing, I said 'ok, would you like it wrapped lol?'
Something you have touched on
Something you have touched on some sensitive matters here and ones that do cause me some pain and I am sure it is difficult for others to understand,but I appreciate your concerns.
I don't know what the future holds for myself and DH- my sister leaves this weekend and it will be just me and DH again. Maybe we will discuss things and maybe we won't.
Disengagement hasn't meant that he spends more time with his family, he always did. It is just that I don't go anymore and he doesn't like that- so as many have said he, he seems to be punishing me for not wanting the blended family thing, which I don't. OSD was always seeking to drive a wedge between us and for years I stayed by his side in order to show her it wasn't going to happen, but I let my guard down once and she came in for the kill- I gave up, she won.
The dynamics of his family are very complicated and I had to step away from it for my own dignity and sanity, as Sugarspice put it. Now, I do have my own life and it is busy and full of love.
DG has physically withdrawn from me and I am tired of playing that game to get him back- I want an adult relationship and not one that is composed of childish attention seeking strategies and game playing.
To clear up the other issue BM did not attend the concert with them- DH put a Facebook post about the concert and she 'liked' it. I did not comment on it.
BM remarried a few years ago and her husband who has no children, does not engage anymore with the skids or the grandskids. I think that says it all.
I think once my sister has left DH should have some conversations about where we are going, but I doubt that we will. I don't doubt that he still loves me, and I still love him. I do believe it will get us through but we have to do it our way. Meanwhile, I would appreciate any advice on how I can restart a physical relationship with a man wo ha given me the cold shoulder for almost 9 months!
fairyo: I am so sorry,
fairyo: I am so sorry, because it is more lonely to live with a man and be ignored, than to live without him and move on.
I am in the same situation. I have been punished for 4-8 years now, because I disengaged from SD57. It has been better this past year. We are at least communicating and enjoying just sitting and visiting, without fighting.
The only answer to your questions, with DH and myself, was time. He finally is realizing I am not playing games and never have played games. He still gets upset, like Thanksgiving, when I would not go to dinner with his clan; but then he gets over it quicker now. So maybe that's progress "putting it in the hands of time".
Also, the more I tried to put it back together, the less it worked. I finally just take it as it comes and didn't care any longer. Then it was like he did a 180. He is being much more attentive to me, since we moved and made some major changes in our retirement.
I am closer to family and friends now. He still has access to family close also. I was isolated before, now he knows he is on the back burner, only if he puts himself there.
I have no advice, except time, and I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have rough days now and then, but I try to get away from DH and find something constructive to do. I am not going to start over at this age, with my life. I have way too much invested in years. It is heart breaking. My DH and I love each other, but it was very difficult for him to accept that I would not do the blended family any longer, after 30+ years. Again, it is getting better.
I am determined to "keep it between the lines". Stay here for support.
(((hugs)))
I do understand the loneliness.
Sammi I really do feel that
Sammi I really do feel that you more than anyone understands my situation. My instinct is also to give it time- really it is all I have. Neither of us are in a position to cast away- we really do need each other in a way I think it is hard for some to understand. Sometimes when I'm having a bad patch I have to go back to the beginning and remind myself why I did this, and how far I have come.
Your words just rang such a bell about trying to put things back together- I didn't give birth to his kids, I didn't bring them up or have any part in their adult lives until very recently, I cannot and will not be held to account for stepping away- it was my health and my sanity at risk.
Time will decide for him how he wants to deal with his family with me not there- last night was interesting because SS rang him
to say his toilet was blocked (that much I gleaned) months ago DH would have run over to sort it out, but this time he more or less said- 'your toilet, your problem,' which was a real turn around.
My sister's visit has taken a toll on me, but I realised that DH is still the patient and generous man he has always been, and that will not change. On low days I feel nine months is a long time to be in a state of attrition- but then I read how long some women have persisted on here and I take great strength from that. I cannot fix it. I can do my own things in my own way and hope that one day DH may recognise that. I am standing between the lines, as you say.
This morning, Sammi, this was just what I wanted to hear. I don't know what is going to happen with the lead up to Christmas, but I will let it be. It can be a stressful time, but only if we let it be.
ST is the thing that never lets me down just now- I'm certainly staying here and sending Fairy hugs ((((XXX))) Thank you
fairyo: Keep up the great
fairyo: Keep up the great attitude. You are on the right track.
Back to you with (((hugs))).