I feel for you as I understand why this bothers you. It's not about what you get, but the change and how you don't know why. Of course you wonder if your husband is telling them bad things about you. I hope not- can you ask him why he thinks this change happened? Ask him how he talks about you to them when you are not around in a somehow non confrontational way.

Perhaps they are shorter on money than they used to be and are just choosing the spend more on blood family. I know, that's a crappy feeling. My MIL will buy my DH and our daughter brand new clothes. She will give me her old clothes that she no longer wants (which I don't wear as she is 80, and I'm 39...the clothes are not my style).

I can buy my own clothes, but it hurts me that she sees me as only fit for old, used things. As if I'm not real family....in fact, I know that's why, and I also know my DH has trashed me to her many times.

So, I don't get gifts for her, either. I have also given up on trying to please her. Yesterday we were at SIL's for Thanksgiving. There were already four women in a tiny kitchen and I wasn't helping at that moment because I knew I'd just be in the way. (I did help later)... I could tell she was mad at me, and thinking I was lazy and unhelpful. I was chatting with other guests. My DH said he could tell she was thinking that I wasn't helping. I told him in front of everyone that no matter what I do, she'll think the same thing so I am not going to worry about it.

Oh yes, i've had the tears for all sorts of reasons. Rarely because of DH though. Yes it might be related to your hormones. I am at the other end of the menopause (I hope) but I had to give in and have a low dosage hrt, the night sweats and flashes were awful and I got NO sleep at all.

Your situation seems quite depressing and it sounds as if you dont have much social contact apart from your husband and maybe his family. Are you able to get out and join a club, something you are interested in, book club or such?

I can understand that you feel upset about the gifts thing. Coming from a family background where you didn't get given much those first gifts made you feel good, accepted etc. Now it has stalled and it's quite understandable that it doesn't feel good. What does your husband think about it? Could he ask them to give you joint christmas presents for example and then you can share it, if it's money etc.

Your son: can you explain more about him? what level his special needs are, how much help he needs etc. Private message me if you want to chat more.

I understand. It's really hard. I think it's about feeling like an outsider when you know you're not. My on laws do the same thing.

They are good people and I love them but last year they didn't even put my name on the family Christmas card. They wrote out my DH and skids names individually so I had to assume the family gift didn't include me. I admit I cried.

For his birthday they shower him with expensive and thoughtful gifts and cards but for mine I get a bit of cash to treat myself no card.

I buy them gifts on par with what I buy my parents and my parents him.

Honestly I try not to let it get to me. I just say they are clueless and are not trying to make me feel bad. They just love their son and I am not their child so it's nice they think of me when they do. I don't know how else to frame it. But yes it hurts sometimes. I am not much younger than you.

I really am sorry you are feeling down. It would help to see your doctor and make sure your hormones aren’t playing up. At 43, it can be hormonal and it will help to get any medical issues sorted.

If it is not medical, have you thought about why these particular things upset you? You are remembering things relating to gifts, things. .. However these are also times where YOU should be celebrated. Is this about physical gifts or things, or is this perhaps about not feeling valued or appreciated or accepted? Or something similar, with the gift being proxy for how you feel you are treated? To me it feels a bit more complex than grouching over gifts – because if it is about gifts, no one has to buy you anything. I am sure you know this. It could be that your ILs are more cash strapped this time and can not afford something for you. There is no reason to assume they aren’t getting you a gift out of spite or malice, or is there?

I also wonder if you aren’t feeling over whelmed and unappreciated at home. Quitting your job would have meant that any money you were making is gone. Are you now dependent on your husband for money? This could be a real knock to your self-esteem. I am concerned – if I read your post correctly – you are 43 and a SAHM to an adult special needs son? I am not saying it will happen in future, but what provisions do you have in place if you and your husband should split up? You are very young to not be working. (If money was not an issue your age would be irrelevant, but you are sad over very low dollar gift amounts and it makes me concerned for you.)
What have you been doing to help foster independence for your son because you aren’t going to live forever and look after him? I am sorry if these are intrusively personal questions. You don’t have to answer them at all . I don’t need answers, but you need to think over these things. It goes to the heart of what I am getting at: you have a lot on your plate and it can be part of why you are so emotional - possibly even clinically depressed - at the moment.

I doubt it is a “sad situation” or that it will get easier with age. The solace and comfort or ease you seek is going to come when you answer for yourself the questions your heart is asking of you. I wish you the best, I really do, because between the lines I can read the sadness, loneliness and longing in your post – there I don’t know what to say.

This happened to me too. I let DH do all the shopping now for his family; he is "tight with money", so they get very little now.

It has saved me stress and saved us $$$$$. So there is a silver lining to your cloud. It is a let down, because you wonder what you are doing wrong, or what is going on.

Step away from it all and don't take it personal. (((hugs)))

I have been married 38 years and SD57 did this to me. She still does it every birthday and holiday. I ignore it, but I buy no gifts; it really is a relief.

The same thing happens on my end, they excluded me every way possible and it began with the gifts, all of them forcing me to watch every one of them get showered with gifts with MY money. HB received nice gifts, me, nothing or next to nothing.

HE does it all now, I do nothing and go to nothing, and I am nothing to them now, as I was then. At least now, I do not have to be reminded by them in the same room how nothing I am in "their" family.

They missed out on a great SM! Their loss, I am saving money and no longer trying to be part of people who never wanted me to begin with....

i know it hurts. it is very painful. in my 40s i had a wake up call about my dh family.

i broke off with my in laws after they sided with an adult sd against me.

the sd told me to my face to go to h%ll. i told her to move out as i was never going to tolerate some one living under my roof to talk to me that way.

i was so upset i called my mil. she sided with sd and i was told never to call in laws again. so i never did. ever again.

in laws are in their 80s and i could not care less about them. mil died some time ago. inside my heart it was like oh my goodness what a shame. nothing more. i felt nothing.

you need to disengage in other words stop caring.

middle age is a time to affirm your own worth in your own eyes. do not look to others as they dont care and their opinions of you dont count. this includes your husband.

take care.

Yes, it hurts when you feel slighted, and when you know you have nothing wrong for you be slighted by others. My ex has on ds, one sister, her husband and 2 nephews, one niece, that is the extent of his family. When my FIL passed I was still married to my ex, I read the obituary and guess what my SIL who was in charge of FIL estate did not include me in it.. I had been with ex for close to 20 years and yet she excluded me. Mind you I have never done anything wrong to this woman.

I know how you feel, it takes you by surprise when people are like that. Pay it no mind about your in-laws, just return the same or let your dh handle the gifts for them.

I am really sorry that you feel like your in laws don't like you. It has to be hard. I know with my former mil it took a while because she really liked wife #1. But overtime we became friends and still are. My new mil is very generous to both bs and I and made the comment on thanksgiving that he got the cream of thge crop with me. She is a bit of a handful but treats us like all the others.

Maybe ask your husband straight up about it.

}:) }:) 43 huh - welcome to per-menapause and feeling emotional and depressed and crying all the time.... it will pass round about 60 ..

You've done nothing wrong, no one is talking behind your back, ever thought about it that the In-laws might be cash strapped, they are pensioners Hon.... and they know you are working your butt of at home making it nice and loving for DH... he knows this as well, I don't think he talks crap about you behind your back - but then again I don't know him

Can I suggest - start exercising, something your son can do with you, walk fast through a park, around the neighborhood, get some activities like wood work both you and your son can do, teach your son to make things he can sell, not to get rich but it will make the both of you feel better, volunteer somewhere , I called this my mid life crisis, I cried, felt useless, but since I changed a couple of things in my life and not do the same old same old daily, I feel way better..... the curse of Eve eating the apple
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