so much Influenced by bio dad
On Tuesday my bio-son (just turned 21) let me know what his last day for exams at University were so I could book him a fight back home for Christmas. He is living with bio dad and going school out of Province/State currently. Bio-dad threaten to “cut him off “ and “ have nothing to do with him” if he stayed home to go to school with his friends, but that is another story.
When my son called to let me know his last exam date, we talked about his break time. I asked him if there were dates he has to be there for to accommodate his father, he said no. I asked should you check with him, he said he did not have to since he is an adult it is left to him to make the decision how he wants to spend his Christmas break.
I went ahead and book his flights home from Dec 14 – Jan 4, and immediately started scheduling dental appointments (wisdom tooth extraction), EEG test and follow up with his specialist.
I get a call the next evening from my son saying that he can’t be here for 3 weeks, because he owes his dad money (Dad paid for new batteries for his scooter $600) and needs to stay most of the break to work in one of Dad’s restaurants to earn money to pay him back ASAP. I asked if this decision is because of pressure from his dad? He said no but he sounded nervous and it seemed like a lie and I could hear his dad in the background.
I am sure my ex influenced the decision with my son to get back at me.
My ex is mad at me currently because he asked me to pay ½ of our son’s school in the middle of October, or in other words reimburse him for ½.
My ex is being an ass, he is a millionaire and screwed me in the divorce however I told him I would pay half of this year however since I had no notice I would send post dated cheques to him. However I would need copies of paid receipts and the bank draft. I sent post dated cheques for half of the receipts that he send however he said that I owed $600 more but didn’t have receipts for it, so I did not send cheques for that and my ex is furious. He received my letter and post dated cheques the day after I booked flight home for our son.
The change will cost me an extra $300, which is exactly what my ex wants as pay back for not obeying him.
I have a good mind to cancel one of the post dated cheques (after Christmas break) and tell my ex that his son made an “adult” decision to make changes to his Christmas break travel plans and it came out of his school funds.
Since my ex lectures me that our son is such an adult. My son can’t even check his text messages on a daily basis and my ex knows this.
I am so mad at the both of them. I am made that my son has not found his balls to stand up to his dad and I am made that he is lying to me.
I am so mad that I just want to say screw it, stay out there and work the whole time and I will just cancel Christmas.
Thoughts, advice? Anything?
Thanks in advance.
I'm so sorry this is
I'm so sorry this is happening. Please don't cancel Christmas and just take whatever time you can get because that's your chance to see and talk to your son alone.
This same thing often happens in my life, as I have a child turning 18 shortly who lives with his dad, and I get planned visits cut short, tickets have to be changed, etc. It hurts and you are pretty much helpless to do anything about it. His dad is being vindictive, and I'm sure your son can see that.
There is no such thing as custody at that age, so your son can do what he pleases, but he is still being threatened with lack of financial support. So you be the parent who is there for your son no matter what, while your ex is on a power trip. The difference will show itself.
Remember that your boy is
Remember that your boy is "not quite cooked yet" & keep as much of the holiday as you can.
His dad has more leverage right now. He likely is twisting BS's arm so that BS doesn't just 'skip out and play' over the winter break. Heck, I'd probably pay the scooter battery bill just to have BS home with me. (My Christmas present to my boy & to myself.)
My BS wrestles with the conflicting emotional obligations that he feels towards his dad & with me, as well. It seems some days that I am "safer" for him to disappoint.
BS claims he's an adult and
BS claims he's an adult and makes his own choices.... interesting....he choose to visit you and not pay off his debt to his father, now the father is teaching BS a lesson, you can't borrow money and not pay it back and you get angry at him?
Think about it, BS can work part time but he choose not to, BS borrowed money from his Dad with a promise to pay it back, then he choose to run away... don't you think the father is trying to teach his son something, If you borrow you pay it back, if you make a promise you keep it.
In the future if you son calls you and say book my ticket tell him fine I will, then call his father and talk to him about it, find out if all is okay, you do not live with them, you do not know if BS borrowed money or made a promise to his Dad....
Now you are angry at your Ex, BS is angry at both his parents, your Ex are angry at you.... BS is responsible for all off this and he should be dealing with the consequences, cause he's an adult (his own words) and you and your Ex should learn to communicate, do not believe what a child tells you, first get the full story and then make decisions and appointments,
I would give the kid the
I would give the kid the blackmail money ($600) as an early Christmas gift and keep the current plans in place.
While he's home,I would have a serious talk with him about not kissing ass for money. That "free" education his father is providing, isn't free at all.
Give BS $$$ for the batteries
Give BS $$$ for the batteries and in a Christmas card (early), if he agrees to go ahead with the original plans. Do not give him other Christmas gifts, stick to the $$$ for the batteries.
Don't cancel Christmas, no matter. Just take it as needed. You are allowing your Ex to play these games with DS in the middle. You DS is probably stressed to the point of walking away from both of you, because he is being used for you and your Ex's fight. The reason BS is putting up with all of this, he needs you both to get his education.
Try to work with DS on what he needs to get thru school and let the decisions be his decisions where he spends his holidays.
Just some suggestions, we've been where you are and when this is over, your BS will hate both of you, if this continues. My DH's Ex still tries to play these games with the grandkids. We don't play games and just walk away from it all. We give what we want, when we want; skids and sgrandkids are always visiting, they learned.
Does the court order say the
Does the court order say the summer is your time?
If it does, file for contempt, and request the value of the plane tickets as damages.
Is this entirely DS's choice? If it is, he owes you that money. Find ways to make him pay for it.