Homework and The Blame Game

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Hi there! New here. I'm in my early 30s, DH is in his late 30s, so we're young but not entirely stupid he's been separated for 4 years and we've been together for 3, BM has a fiance and we're all parenting 2 ADHD boys ages 10 and 5 (ADHD not confirmed for 5 year old but highly likely and he sure acts like it). We have approx. 23% custody, meaning weekends and holidays, largely due to 1) DH's demanding work schedule, and 2) BM's 'need' (I use the word lightly).

(For the record, DH and I are not actually married; we live together, finances are co-mingled, but we've decided to put off a wedding in part due to BM continually going to the courts for more money or to change custody, thus far unsuccessfully.)

SS10 is on ADHD medication and has a personalized plan at school. BM is a noncompliant person in general; makes everything difficult with DH, is not honest about how the kids are being supervised (they're typically left at home alone after school but she claims they've supervised), is currently refusing to disclose financial information via financial discovery and has has forced our lawyers to push the court date on her recent bid for spousal support (that's another issue in itself, clearly; she's engaged, but thinks she is entitled to spousal support, but CA Family Code 4323 generally disagrees and yet we're still having to put up money for a lawyer to get a judge to tell her this).

So that should tell you that something like homework is not going to be easy, either.

SS10 is in 4th grade and is dishonest about homework. BM has complained that the homework plans that get sent home are not specific enough, so she has not been able to enforce. While we agree that for the time being we need to enforce and check that SS10 is doing his homework, the goal that DH and I have with SS10 and his homework is that he's more encouraged to do it without hand-holding and constant badgering.

However, BM insists on calling DH and harassing him into getting on the phone with SS10 to do the homework. We were grocery shopping last night when she started in on him, calling and texting and telling DH that the kids "know who's really there for them." (Which, btw, was followed by SS10 calling in the morning, telling his father that he "just wants him involved," not something characteristic of SS10 to say and felt contrived by BM.) DH was happy to spend his time helping his son, but was super put off by the aggressive way the BM initiated his involvement. She followed the exchanges with nasty text messages (a hallmark of her behavior), changing our time of pickup for this weekend (less time, despite having previously agreed to more time due to Veteran's Day holiday), and telling DH he now has "more time to drink with friends," which, of course: she has attempted to take the kids away from him with fabricated tales painting DH as an alcoholic.

So, as you can tell, we've got an incredibly fun situation here (okay, that was sarcasm). Now BM is using homework to rage against DH and as far as we're concerned, it doesn't help SS10 actually do his homework. I'll be with the kids most of their visitation this weekend, so I'll be enforcing it. Funny enough, I'm the one between all 4 parents that has a college degree - not that a college degree is an absolute indicator of competency - and more experience than the others in tutoring children.

My questions for you all are:

1) What are your experiences with homework and coparenting? Have you needed to approach this issue altogether, and what, if any, snags were you presented with?

2) Any suggestions for cutting BM off on his particular mode of leverage? DH is a bit soft sometimes; while BM is extremely confrontational, he resorts to hiding when she batters him down. I can't blame him; emotional abuse for over a decade and well into divorce is tiring AF.

3) We make an effort to talk to their teachers, but have you all any suggestions for routines or habits to be made in regards to this exchange of information re: assignments and their due dates?

Happy to hear any suggestions and really glad I found this community.

Lazy edit: yes, DH and BM are

Lazy edit: yes, DH and BM are divorced; I mention separated for 4 years, but actually it's 3.5 and they've been officially divorced for 2.

My experience is similar,

My experience is similar, with one minor difference. BM complained incessantly that DH was being intrusive when he called to do homework (then she criticized him this year for not calling, so she just has to try to make DH feel bad whatever he's doing).

1) DH and I went to a parent conference mid-way through the year last year and found out that neither kid was handing in homework. DH doesn't get any info about school from BM and we didn't have access to the parent portal until this year. DH told both kids that he expected them to do their homework and he was going to call each night to check in with them and give them help if needed. He also reached out to BM and said he thought there should be consequences if homework was not done or if there was poor behavior in school (which both also engage in). BM told DH he was only saying that because he hated her and that *my* expectations for her kids were too high. That *I* just needed to realize she's a good mother. Despite all this, DH called nightly and we worked on homework via phone every night. One SS put up a fight because "I'm going to do my homework with mom!", but would usually call us later in the evening for help when BM flaked. The last term of the year (the term we were helping with) was the only term of the year that both kids got marked as "on grade level" for handing in homework (not completing it correctly, just handing it in), before, they were both either "approaching grade level" or "below grade level". This year, they don't really get homework assignments. They are expected to complete their assignments during school time, with some minor exceptions. DH called them at the start of the year and they either didn't answer their phones or told DH they had no homework. They still have missing assignments (which I know because I check the parent portal). Their only saving grace is that they don't seem to be marked down when assignments are handed in weeks later (although I wish they would because now there are no consequences for late work). DH reached out to BM a few weeks ago, because one kid had a D in language arts. She again told DH she's "an excellent mother" and she noticed he doesn't call anymore. She also told DH that he was making his kids feel bad because he never said he was proud of them and only called when they didn't hand something in. I think in an ideal world, DH wants there to be consequences for being lazy in school, but he sees the kids so infrequently that he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Morale of the story for me, if BM doesn't care and the kids spend the majority of time with her, it's really difficult to change those bad habits. If BM isn't on board with consequences and willing to put in the work, then it's a losing battle. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't care more about homework going in than either of the parents. I offer help when it's asked for (like last weekend from the kid who had a D in language arts, which he got up to a C before the term closed due to my help), but for my own sanity, I can't own the education issue.

2) In my case, BM was also emotionally abusive to DH, so I hear you. DH would sometimes do what she wanted just to keep her quiet, even though her behavior towards him is juvenile and abusive. After I pointed out to him that he didn't have to buy clothes and shoes when she demanded them, because child support is supposed to cover clothes and shoes, he did push back and say to her, "I'm always willing to support my kids and make sure they have what they need, but it bothers me when you demand I do things. Going forward, I won't respond to your demands." We're still working on actually holding that boundary, but through a combination of reminding her what he's agreed to and what he hasn't and ignoring her, we're getting there. My advice would be to establish a scheduled time when your DH will call his son to work on homework. Tell BM when that time is and then not answer the phone or respond to texts if she wants to demand more time. He could even say to her, "I will call SS at X time. I will not respond to your demands that I speak to him at other times."

3) In my experience, some teachers are extremely helpful and want to keep both parents involved. In other cases, teachers feel like they shouldn't have to deal with divorce conflicts. DH reached out after finding out about the missing homework and one teacher totally ignored him (she would respond to BM, because DH was once copied on a message that got a response), but never responded to DH. She was a divorced mother, so not sure if she felt a kinship with BM over that, but it was so bad, I almost complained to the school. DH had sent her an email asking how he could help SS complete his homework and asking if assignments could be emailed to him...this was after a parent conference where the teacher said SS needs to be better about handing in homework. Still no response. I honestly didn't think she was a great teacher based on other observations, so this could just have been one more sign that she wasn't great. My advice, get access to any online portals and ask if assignments are posted. If your DH has a good relationship with the teacher, he could also reach out and explain that he is helping SS with homework, but doesn't see the things that go home from school, so if possible, he'd like to receive email notifications for that. If the teacher is truly interested in helping the child complete more homework, he/she will likely oblige, but some teachers just won't.

After I pointed out to him

After I pointed out to him that he didn't have to buy clothes and shoes when she demanded them, because child support is supposed to cover clothes and shoes, he did push back and say to her, "I'm always willing to support my kids and make sure they have what they need, but it bothers me when you demand I do things. Going forward, I won't respond to your demands."

Sounds familiar! BM doesn't demand these things, though - instead she does something shittier: she sends them over in bad shoes and awful, ill-fitting clothes. Then makes DH feel horrible about it. And she will complain that she can't get them their school supplies. So he'll go buy all of it. I personally enjoy doing those things, but it's out of line for BM to do this. We know that she spends more than reasonable amounts of money on concerts, makeup, and clothes, so she's neglecting the kids by sending them to school and to us in shoes that are downright hazardous (soles falling off, don't fit, etc.).

My advice would be to establish a scheduled time when your DH will call his son to work on homework.

That's really tough; DH has a nontraditional work schedule that is somewhat loosely decided a few days in advance and he knows almost nothing about his schedule at any given time. If he's lucky, he'll get the schedule for the next 4-7 days - he works on a per-case basis, basically like an on-call service - and MAYBE he will be able to talk to SS10 on the phone. That is, if his mother hasn't shut his phone off and made him go to bed by 7:30pm.

She uses this against him. And part of what he had to tell her after she went crazy on him was that she can't have it both ways: she cannot demand more child support, more money, spousal support, more more more... and expect that he'll be available in the little windows she provides, because he will be working.

So last night I ended up helping him on the phone, but after we worked for a bit and I told him to call me back after he's worked on the most important part of his homework, he never called me back or answers text messages or answered his phone. I wasn't sure if his mother took the phone away or what. Apparently she only gave him half an hour to do his homework.

It's infuriating, because he's ADHD and setting an unreasonable expectation - that a 10yo ADHD boy in 4th grade can write 4 detailed paragraphs in only 30 minutes - is harmful to him not just because it's an impossible objective and unreasonable for his age and skill level, but because she's setting him up to fail. And she's using failure to try to teach him a lesson. These kinds of things hit an ADHD kid harder than it would a kid without learning disabilities or confidence issues, and he's got both. He's a sensitive child when it comes to meeting his parents' expectations. He's easier to guilt than his brother, who is more ashamed over how he feels than how his parents or superiors feel. SS10 is very bothered by the consequences of his actions when it comes to other people's feelings, and it gnaws at him. So his mother is communicating to him that she will be disappointed if he fails this easy-to-fail requirement. Generally, she views parenting as punishment. It's infuriating.

So we will have to figure something out. Even if it's a short-notice availability thing, I agree that some kind of expectation for when DH will talk with SS10 about his homework will help.

She was a divorced mother, so not sure if she felt a kinship with BM over that, but it was so bad, I almost complained to the school.

I'm so sorry that the teacher did this. We have had this issue in the past with other teachers. They've treated DH poorly and we aren't sure if BM said horrible things or what. We now make it a habit to check in and talk to the teachers as often as possible. Not that we didn't want to before, but we were always set up to pick the kids up from their mother's home, not school, so our visits were infrequent. We now have access to the parent portal and we're seeing that the teacher doesn't necessarily make it any easier for BM, but at the same time, BM is treating it like it's a lost cause and not trying to remedy these problems (e.g., the teacher's description of homework isn't very good, so instead of asking for a better description, she's just shrugging her shoulders and taking it out on SS10).

Thank you for your response.

It's difficult to work on

It's difficult to work on homework over the phone, but especially if the child has ADHD. I think you mentioned that the child has an IEP, do you know who his special education case worker is? Or if he sees anyone for extra help while at school? If so, I might reach out to that person to ask for help, including homework accommodations.

Does BM do any homework? As the CP, she should be the one who is managing homework. It sounds like she's difficult, but if I were a neutral party advising her on how to help her child, I would tell her that especially with a child with ADHD, it's important to set a routine and provide a quiet workspace. For example, when the child gets home from school, he has a snack and 30 minutes to do something fun, then he goes to his quiet workspace and starts working on his homework. I would probably sit down with him first and go through all the assignments and prioritize them based on difficulty. I would work on the easier ones first to get those out of the way and then start in on the more difficult ones. I would probably also intersperse some breaks in, for example, if he works and focuses for 30 minutes, he gets a 15 minute break (or if he works for 60 minutes, he gets a 30 minute break). My DH has ADHD and his parents used to make him sit at the table until his work was finished. I think there were a lot of tears, but he did learn how to complete all of his work. He has inattentive ADHD, not hyperactive, so that presents different type of challenges.

Since BM seems a bit incapable of helping, you might also look into an ADHD coach who could work with the child. With ADHD, having a set routine can really help. Also, making sure the child gets plenty of sleep and limits trigger foods (especially sugar and other junk foods). This person would be a therapist, so could be covered by insurance, but BM would have to agree (assuming that she and your DH have joint legal custody). Most ADHD coaches, also do some parent coaching, so they would tell BM what she needed to do to support her child with ADHD.

Regarding the time issue with your DH, I think he needs to set clear expectations with BM, even with his unpredictable schedule. For example, maybe he works on homework 2 days and she works on homework 2 days. Her calling whenever she wants for him to work on homework is unacceptable. She wouldn't do that if they were still married, so she shouldn't feel entitled to do that now that they are divorced.

I think you mentioned that

I think you mentioned that the child has an IEP, do you know who his special education case worker is? Or if he sees anyone for extra help while at school?

He does, but I don't know that information. I'll ask DH. I for one think he could really benefit from an outside party who can provide regular contact and offers resources and/or encouragement for SS10. He's desperately in need of it.

Does BM do any homework? As the CP, she should be the one who is managing homework.

She now "refuses to help" him. That's what SS10 told me last night. Yeah...

it's important to set a routine and provide a quiet workspace.

We can't even get her to shut off the TV when DH calls just to chat with the boys. We've mentioned this to her before, but it goes ignored. I believe her response has been that she lives in too small of an apartment for this. Well, we live in a smaller apartment, but we don't prioritize the television over the needs of the kids.

Thank you, this is helpful. I actually just talked to a neighbor about counseling programs that are available through the state. I know that BM just started putting the boys into therapy sessions - her reasoning was "anger management" for SS10 and for SS5 "diagnosing ADHD" - but I'm not sure if it's the same thing that my neighbor recommended, because I think it's very clear that BM needs some assistance with this. We don't understand at all the reasoning for BM's hostility, besides the fact that she has shown us that she is willing to leverage the children when she has a problem, especially with money, so we're worried that she's doing just that right now. It could also be that she's too dense to understand what's going on. It's a lot of things. And we do have joint legal custody, and I've been encouraging DH to be a little more active in requesting information related to any appointments or school issues.

I think he needs to set clear expectations with BM, even with his unpredictable schedule.

I agree that the calling and texting is unacceptable, but she was always hard on him when they were married, too. She forced him to discipline even if he disagreed on the method or reasoning, and even SS10 has said, "Daddy, you're much nicer than you were." It took years, but he broke and left. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. She's very manipulative and if something doesn't go her way, acts out and is a very vile person. She'll drag something out from years ago just to prove a completely unrelated point if she sees she isn't getting her way. She's certainly toxic and probably a sociopath.

Thanks again. I think this both adds new points for me to bring to DH and confirms a lot of my thoughts.

One bit of warning, a good

One bit of warning, a good ADHD coach...or even a good child therapist...will likely tell BM that she is part of the problem and she needs to change if she wants to help her kids. My friend is a child therapist and as she once said to me jokingly, "I spend most of my day telling parents they are bad parents." That sounds good, in theory, but if your BM is like mine, she will shut down any therapy as soon as she is told that she is part of the problem.

Seems like something that

Seems like something that would happen. We'll keep that in mind. Thank you!

Sounds like your BM is lazy

Sounds like your BM is lazy and also probably not smart enough to help the boys, and she will never admit these truths to herself let alone anyone else. More than likely this will not change, especially considering her defiant attitude. The best you can do is try to do as others have suggested and have a neutral third party attempt to coach, but she will probably still not comply. As a part-time father, there is only so much DH can be expected to do. A reasonable judge will see the situation for what it is and if you don't live in a crazy Golden Uterus county, DH may be able to get custody eventually and really get the boys the help they need. If not, is it what it is, and you can make peace knowing you at least tried.

Yeah, I'd agree with this

Yeah, I'd agree with this sentiment. We're still trying to give her some room to figure it out. It seems like DH pointing out her rage issues got her to at least hold back on him for a while.

A "Golden Uterus" county? I totally catch your drift - are you also in California? Got any examples, so maybe I can see if mine is nuts so far, judges have done really well seeing through her BS and giving DH some flexibility. I am hoping it continues.

Some local cultures support

Some local cultures support parental alienation by the mother and everything is the father's fault and there are no consequences for ridiculous behavior on the part of the BM. If the judges in your area have seen thru BM's BS then you probably don't live in a GU county. Many of them are in the south.

Do everything you can to save any documentation you get regarding BM's unreasonable behavior and inability to cooperate and do the right things for her kids.

It sounds like there is some parental alienation going on too, comments about being an "involved" parent are adult-speak, kids don't say stuff like that without coaching. Lecturing kids about the stupidity of BM's behavior never works, but sometimes if you put the kid on the spot and have them answer specific questions forces them to think and take a stand. Like, "what do you mean I should be more involved?" and "BM is one of your parents too, right? If she's there and I'm not, how can I help you? Does that really make sense?" and "Look all around you, do you see all these people drinking beers with their dinners? Do you think they're all gonna go home and beat their kids?"

Thank you for confirming some

Thank you for confirming some of our thoughts. That's funny, because DH has been addressing it just as you said: he asks the kids about the thing they're repeating, and often they aren't sure what to say. So it comes out that they heard it from their mother.

Appreciate it and thanks.

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Homework and The Blame Game