I don't know if sometimes, love just isn't about two people, extending circumstances make things seem impossible.

This is very true. Unless your partner gives up his (bm’s) family or stand up for you (which he should have done already) then life with you two together is going to be very uncomfortable and awkward for you.

I would move on if I were you. Your partner might be ready to move on from the death of his wife but he isn't ready to step up to parenting his kid on his own, and without that it will either all be lumped on you or mil will be a third wheel in your relationship.

The only ways I would stay in a relationship like yours are if I do not want anything serious and so will just enjoy dating and avoid family things. Or if my partner made major strides in making his family respect me and welcome me and he also took on the role of parent 100% for a year or two before I moved in so that I knew that I would not be expected to take it on. Oh and mil would have to move out, because I would not want to live with her too.

The deceased wife's mother lives with him? No thanks.

Your bf's MIL has taken over all things motherly concerning the child. I'm sure this benefits the daughter and bf because their lives can go on smoothly w/out much interruption. Not the same but MIL is filling a need for the family. I can only imagine it's hard for the late wife's family to see you alive and well, dating the man she was married to when she is not with them.

You're right that love isn't just about two people, especially in a situation like this there is so much more involved. Will they ever like and accept you? Probably not since your presence is a constant reminder that their daughter/wife/sister/aunt/mother is gone.

This is going to be a very rough situation for you where you will always be the outsider and painful reminder of what was lost. Someone above said it may be wise to move on, I agree.

You can't compete with a saint. This guy has at least four more years until he's going to make MIL get her own place, if then, once SD goes off to university or moves out.

Sadly, he comes with baggage. Your choice whether it's a deal breaker. It would be for me.

I think you should have a talk with your SO about how he sees his future. Does he want to get married again eventually? Does he see his MIL living with him indefinitely, or is the present situation a temporary living arrangement?

You should have this conversation to see if you are both on the same page regarding your relationship.

Oh, Nikki! You are so accurate: "It's kinda like she is his wife and they are all just waiting for us to not make it." I give you credit for being able to hit the nail on the head with that one so quickly.

I know one of the big surprises for me when I first started coming to this site was that SMs with BMs living and SMs with BMs deceased were treated pretty much the same. I guess I ignorantly thought that things might be better for those with deceased BMs since you'd think dad's child or children would be excited to have any mom and at least you didn't have a living BM around to make so much trouble for you. I was wrong. Usually what happens when BM has passed is either a group or someone else in the family (such as BM's BM, in this case) takes on the good, bad and ugly BM role, including going after the "competition" (any potential future SM), and not only do you have to deal with all of that, but you have to also compete with a dead woman, whom everyone in the family has long since elevated to sainthood status.

It is not a pretty picture. And, I'm guessing, no matter what your SO may say, BM's BM just pretty much moved in and started taking over and doing mommy things with her granddaughter and DH just let her. He has no clue what to do about it himself, and he probably expects you to put up with whatever and take on his battles for him, if things do continue to get more seriously.

The way you have to look at this, as gagging as it may seem, is just like SO is still married, because in a way, he is. Like you said, grandma has taken on the wife role AND the mom role. This is how they all set it up, BM's family. And, SO went along with it. So, apparently everyone is all happy-wappy with it this way--BM BM's being grandma and near-wife to SO. SO, no matter what he says, is probably OK with it too. After all, it appears grandma/wife doesn't "permit" you and granddaughter to even spend time together. In other words, grandma/wife runs the household and not dad/SO.

But, this is what many men do. They have some type of really wacked-out family situation set up for themselves either after BM's passing or a divorce. Some may even literally still be living with BM and try to hook up with another woman, claiming that BM is good with everything and it is just a matter of days before the divorce comes thru. All this and more goes on, and yet many DHs/boyfriends expect the women they are involved with to just accept it and put up with it and wait and wait and wait. AND, some women do.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to be one of those women or not, who usually wind up a year or two or more down the road wondering what the H- they got themselves into and not being able to believe that they wasted even one minute of their breath on such a jacka$$ situation. You are lucky. At least you've got a really good idea of what you're looking at early on!

OMG girl....run like hell. :jawdrop: My DH is a widower and had I known what I know now, would have done just that 12 years ago when we met.

My DH's former MIL did not take over the 'mom role' for the skids, his own mom did. They have been given whatever they wanted, and allowed to do whatever they wanted. Nobody wanted to tell them 'no'. Your SO's daughter is only 14. I don't know how long LW has been gone, but she will learn quickly that she will get whatever she wants because people feel sorry for her. She will bark orders and everyone will jump. You likely see some of this happening already if you have been in their 'world' for a year. This is literally just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dating/marrying someone who lost a spouse.

Honestly, I'm so happy that you are looking at this objectively and asking questions - before you get any more serious with this guy. PLEASE, save yourself a ton of frustration and heartache and run now. Don't look back.

He is ready to move on from who? From you? From the deceased wife? From the former MIL? From the broader IL clan?

Regardless of the answer to these questions... the outcome is so unlikely to be positive that I would suggest that you take care of you and strike out on a new phase of your life adventure leaving this entire drama filled script behind you.

Good luck.

When I became single and started dating again, my therapist and I discussed what 'status' of guy to date. I thought widowed would be a good possible choice. My therapist actually said a widow would actually be worse than a never married man, because you will never be out from under the shadow of their saintly angel wife.

And I can imagine it's even worse with the former MIL living their. I could imagine she would constantly compare you to her deceased daughter. You would never compare to her. And is he financially supporting this woman who has no responsibility to care for?

Love will never be enough to overcome this situation, IMHO.

I would have to consider moving on.

I've seen dating after death as my mom has been widowed twice. Once at 36 and again in her early 60s.

"I think he is ready to move on." Does HE KNOW if he is ready to move on? If you think he is ready to move on, he isn't ready because you would know with certainty that he is. Another question: move on from what?

His wife may be deceased, but he has already got most of her role filled by his MIL - except for the going to bed at night part. What role do you play in this for him?

I take some umbrage with the statements here that a deceased spouse is a saint or sainted by the remaining partner. This is over generalised nonsense akin to all stepmothers are witches. Put that statement in fantasy land where it belongs with over active imaginations.

Dating a widowed person with a child or children IS different to dating someone who is divorced. Marriages are not perfect but being seperated by death means you had no choice in how your marriage ended. Another factor that complicates matters is how the spouse died. Prolonged illness where death was expected, or sudden and unexpected which left the surviving spouse unprepared for the circumstances after? Dealing with your own grief and your child makes things hard, as well as what you did to process your grief - if you did at all.

It seems your partner papered over the cracks in his life, re-adjusted things but never dealt with his own feelings. I say this because if he did, he would not have abdicated his parental responsibilities to his mother in law. In the short term yes, as a coping mechanism, it is expected that his family would pitch in to support him. Long term? As a widower? He would make his life on his own terms for and with his daughter. The way he is doing it NOT healthy. This is NOT a man who has processed his wife's death and you are not competing with a saint, but with a ghost. The timing of moving on from her death is also something to look at. When did his wife pass? People grieve differently, but everyone needs to come to acceptance and move on from there. Not every one can or does reach this stage. Sounds to me, with Mother In Law and the family reaction, that they are all in some sort of denial of the fact relating to his wife's passing: Life CANT go on with you as a new partner because there is no acceptance of the fact that his wife is dead.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to remember your dead spouse. There is an appropriate way to do this. There is a way to celebrate a life (whether saintly or imperfect), but in the end you have to know that the marriage is over and that your former spouse is gone. Forever.

It is not that only widowed partners make crappy boyfriends or girlfriends or wives or husbands. Divorced people do too. The complication is that most people wanted to get divorced. Not everybody wanted their spouse to die.

I write this to you as someone who went to bed one night, expecting my husband (whom I loved more than life itself) home the next afternoon. He was dead before I even woke up from a restless sleepless night.
It took me 5 long years to come to terms with that. Some people never do.

Run