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Disengagement feels good!

DaniAM73's picture

Submitted by DaniAM73 on Sat, 09/23/2017 - 6:55pm

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Disengaging

So DH has the SS's every Saturday from 12 PM to 8:00 PM. They spend the night EOW. After a few days of posting and reading, I knew more than ever disengagement is the key to my survival and necessary for my sanity.

When they all returned from their outing I said hello and kept it moving. DH ended up cleaning up after them. Normally I would help. I enjoyed my Saturday and acted as if they weren't here.

One of you so kindly told me to concentrate on my DH and I did just that.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Submitted by CANYOUHELP on Sun, 09/24/2017 - 10:37am

It is the best alternative, no doubt, if you are living with a doormat dadeeee, like many of us. Not certain if they ever wake up from their self-induced coma, (sounds like some do), but you have created your own peaceful environment for yourself. You have to count on yourself. Great work!

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Wed, 09/27/2017 - 10:00pm

My DH has greatly improved, but he thinks he is good at keeping me believing he has woke up; lol....I know he understands what he is doing, therefore, I let him think he has me fooled, because I'm not playing his games.

With that said, when he's least expecting it, I let him know, I KNOW.

My DH has a bad habit of "taking my toleration for stupid". NOT! Just because he thinks I don't see things, hear things, or understand things; he believes he has me figured out to be a fool.

I call it what it is "narcissism".

It is what it is and I don't have time for it.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Thu, 09/28/2017 - 4:15am

Playing stupid is a good ploy- my DH and I are on a rollercoaster right now and I don't know when the next 'dip' is going to be. I think we are on the 'rise' at the moment and off for a weekend away together with friends- the only couple we ever go out with. It will be interesting to observe DH and listen to the things he says, I'm just smiling sweetly and pressing my lips together!

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Tue, 10/10/2017 - 9:58pm

i used to be annoyed when the skids excluded me from things but now it truly does not matter.

i am polite to them when they are in my home but i other wise dont make an effort to contact them.

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Sun, 10/22/2017 - 9:53am

This is how I handle my SD56. She comes to visit DH, I am civil, I don't walk her to the door; she found her way in, she can find her way out.

It is up to DH to offer any hostess duties, which he is very poor at. The past six visits, total this year, DH didn't even offer a glass of water. Just shows who did all the nice work for 30+ years, until I ceased being the door mat.

SugarSpice, I am also no longer annoyed, in fact it all amuses me to watch them visit, because now SD knows I was not the worst person in the world to her; but it's too late to go back, SD burned the bridges, she's on her own to swim the river now.

I'm at peace and it now truly does not matter to me either.

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Mon, 10/23/2017 - 1:56am

i also feel the same way. dh talks to skids several times a week and messages them constantly.

one of the skids talks to her father twice a day. that is not exaggeration.

dh gives me reports on their families and jobs and i barely say anything more than "how nice"

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Mon, 10/23/2017 - 8:55am

SugarSpice: It is frustrating, I agree. I finally told DH quote: " Please don't get mad or argue with me when I say, I don't care to hear the details of your visits with SD56, just enjoy them, but you don't have to update me. I prefer SD56 pick you up and if you wish, go to lunch or even a month long cruise to visit, rather than SD coming into our home." Then I dropped it and have never mentioned SD again. If I have to remind DH of my boundaries, I will do so.

With that said, she is allowed to stop and visit him, but he knows the boundaries and is doing well with them, so far. He has told her what I said, because she doesn't come by often, especially now that we have moved 4 hours from her.

My DH doesn't talk about SD or her family since I've expressed my feelings. The secret texts, phone calls, and visits (while I'm away) are irritating, but I don't ask and my irritation passes.