New to forum----looking for advice regarding Biological Mom requests
There is a long preface to why I am seeking this advice. I will spare you the details, but if you need more information please let me know and I will fill in the blanks.
I have been divorced for over 2 years and we have joint parenting agreement with my ex-wife being the custodial parent for our two daughters, ages 4 and 9.
I have been in a relationship with a divorced mom for over 2 years and we will be getting married and move in together sometime after the first of the year.
Here is where I am seeking advice. It's not related to the move or marriage, but it is about my daughter's up coming birthday. My ex-wife called me this morning, livid that I did not ask her if it was okay for my fiance' to host a birthday party for my daughter. I will be celebrating her birthday with my ex-wife and other daughter before this event. My ex-wife stated that it was disrespectful and that it was crossing boundaries for my fiance' (with my permission) to do this. I told her that I did not see why this was a problem, and that I didn't understand why she was making such an issue out of this. Of course that statement started a hailstorm of comments from her that actually did not surprise me. And now I guess we are going to mediation about this.
Am I out of line by not letting her know about this? It is on a weekend when I have my daughters so it is not interfering with her parenting time, and there is no court ordered agreement that we need to inform each other about things like this.
Thanks in advance for your comments.
sorry but there's no reason
sorry but there's no reason for BM to know how you are celebrating in your home.
I've been a SM for 11yrs ad not once did DH's ex give a damn how we celebrated or if we celebrated.
No you are not. Being
No you are not.
Being divorced means she losses the privilege of being all knowing in her kids life when it comes to their time with you.
If its on your time and dime then there is no reason she needs to be told nor would I.
This is her trying to be controlling and I would shut it down now. It's only going to get worse.
So true !!
So true !!
It is your parenting time to
It is your parenting time to do with as you wish.
You are though setting your fiancé up to be the target of your ex’s insecurities and jealousies by directly pitting their respective birthday celebrations for your daughter against each other. If you wanted to do something special for your daughter on your time you could have arranged to host it and organize yourself rather than relying on your fiancé. That way your ex would not target your fiancé.
Balancing an insecure ex and a new partner is not an easy job, but the more parenting you do and the less you rely on your fiancé to fill in for you the easier it will be. Keep your fiancé and your ex apart. Do not engage your ex in discussions that are not necessary for the kids and do not let your ex dictate what goes on in your home.
I am actually hosting a party
I am actually hosting a party for her at my house so my mom, sister and other relatives can celebrate with us. My fiance' has to work Saturday or we would have combined the two events.
I will add this...if you and
I will add this...if you and your ex wife have a contentious relationship then stop trying to celebrate the child's birthday together. It sounds good in theory, but in practice, it can be messy.
In my case, DH and BM put it in their parenting agreement that they would host joint birthday parties for the kids, but BM can't stand DH, so that quickly fizzled out.
Your kids are part of two families now, so it's ok for them to have two parties. They will adjust. Now, my SSs have a friend party usually with BM, and then DH plans a celebration with his family for the kids.
SO tired the whole "joint"
SO tired the whole "joint" party one time.
It can work for some families but it didn't for him. BM and her family where rude / disrespectful to him. He was insulted in front of his children and so on. Also BM was basically in control she was able to say I wasn't allowed to go which wasn't a big deal that year BUT now SO wants me around to celebrate the kids birthdays.
We've just come to accept that joint holidays aren't happening. BM feeds off the control and over all its not a good thing for the children.
It's best we just do two separate events and honestly its one of the few "perks" the kids get. They get a party with mom and a party with dad.
We do our own thing without asking anything about what BM is doing. We don't try to one up her or anything like that. I know this past year BM was upset when one of the children told her our plans for their birthday. You could hear it in her tone. Yeah the evil little devil on my shoulder was happy BUT we made the plans not caring what BM did. She can do whatever she want's next year we'll do our thing our own way.
1) keep your ex wife and
1) keep your ex wife and current partner separate. Nobody likes hanging out with their partner's ex. "for the kids" is CRAP.
2) having your ex still involved with your famiy sends the signal that she is still family. She's not. Boundaries - they're needed.
3) you're having a birthday event at your house, at a time your fiancee can't be there yet is planning.. WTF?
Ok my first question is why
Ok my first question is why are you celebrating your daughter's birthday with your ex-wife did I read that statement right. I sure as well would have a problem with that if I was your wife or fiancé but maybe yours doesn't. The BM also has no say in what you do in your parenting time so like the other posters have said shut that control crap down really quick. You are divorced.
The party with my ex-wife and
The party with my ex-wife and other daughter was my idea, and I did discuss it with my fiance beforehand. The reason I did that is because her actual birthday is on Monday. But the family party is on the Saturday and Sunday before. I have my daughter's every Friday and Saturday, then every other Sunday. So this was me trying to do something nice, which obviously was a mistake.
My ex has informed me that she does not want to have a joint birthday party so now that really isn't an issue.
It was already been shut down during the phone call. I'm pretty sure that why she called the mediator. That's her way of trying to regain control....or something like that.
probably best. You're not
probably best.
You're not together, you shouldn't act like you are.
Yeah, this is likely a
Yeah, this is likely a control issue for your ex wife. She probably feels like she's also losing control of you, because you are getting married again. Expect other similar issues.
Wow! How is BM planning on
Wow! How is BM planning on spinning that to the mediator? My DH and his wife-to-be actually DARED to plan a B-day party for my child without my permission. Oh, God! I hope no one takes her seriously, but as sad as I am to admit it, they probably will.
YOU are going to have to stand up straight and roll up your sleeves, because you are going to have your work cut out for you. You do not have two wives. As someone said above, what you do with your child on your dime/time is totally up to you. You and BM are parents, but you are no longer a couple. You no longer have to or should be checking in with each other re: your plans for the weekend with the kids. Good luck! Your ex- clearly feels like she owns you lock, stock and barrel. You need to nip this in the bud fast. With this type of BM, she and your soon-to-be-wife will never get along, so don't even try to visualize happy first-second all inclusive family gatherings. BM literally thinks that you and the children are supposed to revolve around her wants and needs for the rest of your lives, and she thinks she trumps your fiancé every time simply because she is mom. Doesn't work that way. After the divorce, mom is mom, but she is not #1 wife.
Stand very firm with her and don't forget, even some so-called professionals have no problem pandering to BM and the kids and throwing bio-dad and, especially, SM to the curb. You have the right to do as you please in your own home with your own wife and with your own children.
As a SM, I can say that many
As a SM, I can say that many BMs feel insanely jealous anytime a SM takes on anything that seems like mothering.
DH asked me to attend a parent conference with him. This was less than three months before our wedding. BM had a fit, telling him it was so disrespectful for him to bring "some girl you're dating" to the parent conference. How I wasn't family to the kids, so it was completely disrespectful for me to go, etc. Meanwhile, she has been bringing her husband to conferences, since before they were even engaged. She also insists that the kids call her husband "dad".
All that is to say that women are terrible about letting another woman enter their child's life, but you are divorced and she can't demand you stay single just so she won't feel threatened. Do whatever you want with the child on your time with the child and let your ex wife work herself into a tizzy. She should be happy that your fiance is trying to make your child feel special and loved, instead of just feeling as though she alone, as mother, is the only one who can possible do anything nice for the child.
The other side of my coin, is that although BM didn't want me to attend any school events, she would also cry that I needed to act like mother to her children...so apparently, I was supposed to mother enough to make her children feel special and loved, but not so much as to make her feel threatened. I now ignore her totally and DH tries to avoid interacting with her at all.
1. Let your EX-wife plan and
1. Let your EX-wife plan and give the girl her own birthday party on her time.
2. You host a party or celebration on YOUR time... I don't care if you want to let your Fiance help or even do the work behind the scenes...but the optics look better if it is YOU hosting your daughter's party..not your fiance.
There is no reason you have to do anything joint like this with your EX. If I was your fiance, I would not be comfortable with it.
I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of the quick and honest responses. I wish I would have found this forum two years ago. This seems like a safe place to rant, rave or seek advice from. These types of things seem to run in a cycle with my ex and I need a place to process through them or I'd be in therapy every week. And I don't feel it's fair to try and mentally process them with my fiance'.
So your ex wants to go
So your ex wants to go through mediation because of all of this now?
For now she does. I got the
For now she does. I got the call from the mediator asking me to verify that I would be attending. I'm willing to sacrifice 60 minutes of my day but, I am definitely not paying any portion of the fee.
Your ex sounds like she have
Your ex sounds like she have control of things. I am not very familiar with mediation but isn't it voluntary or do you have to attend? My DH is currently waiting to BM to file an increase in CS and when she does he is going to file a motion to get the CO modified because BM harasses him.
A mediator? Seriously your
A mediator? Seriously your former spouse called a mediator? I sure hope the $$$ mediator told her to worry about her own home and not interfere with Dads home /events.
I hope you do not have to pay 1/2 of the call to this mediator. Geeze.
Sir, look at your court order. Does it say that YOU must invite the child's mother to all events, that you must notify mother of all activities you plan specifically Birthday Parties? It is highly unlikely any words describe your personal home life.
Just follow your order, ok? Do not deviate from it. OR look to expand upon it. That causes problems like this.
This. I would refuse to
This. I would refuse to attend mediation for this BS. She wants an audience for her ridiculous tantrum. BM needs to know no one is going to entertain this idiocy.
Oh my, could never understand
Oh my, could never understand why BM's just can't accept that the marriage is over but there are children that still need to be parented and loved.
Why can't BM's and BF's embrace that other people could love and care about their children?
These joint parties "for the children" have always not been a good idea in my opinion.
I always had a party for my kids and if my ex wanted to have a party for the kids on his weekend great! More fun and more gifts for the kids. Plus they got to spend time with that side of the family.
I always hosted both a family party for my side and also hosted a friends party. My ex would only host a little birthday gathering for his family.
You are divorced. Just do your thing, your way. Although your future wife is being kind and most likely enjoys the party planning just keep her name out of it. Sounds like your ex is in Mama bear protective mood for no good reason!
What valid reason could she possibly have in not wanting a second party for your child on your time and on your dime? Sounds like she is a bit jealous of your future wife.
Question: "Why can't BM's and
Question: "Why can't BM's and BF's embrace that other people could love and care about their children?" Answer: Because they are selfish people, vastly more interested in their ego and winning a game with their ex- than they are interested in their own children's welfare.
I couldn't have said it
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I've been with my SO for 7
I've been with my SO for 7 years, in their lives for half or more of his kids time on earth.
Only once did he try to attend a joint party for one of his kids very early on. She invited SO to be a part (and he gave her money to help pay for it) but in reality she told him it was at a venue about an hour in the wrong direction from the venue she actually had it at. He waited in the parking lot for an hour before realizing she lied to cause maximum problems, including so she could claim to all and sundry that he was a dead beat dad who wouldn't even show up to his child's birthday.
Thankfully, he learned after that.
No joint parties or celebrations ever. It opens a Pandora's box of problems that no sane person has time for.
"Ignore the whore" Mantra of
"Ignore the whore" Mantra of this site with respect to controlling witches.
No, you are not out of line.
No, you are not out of line. What you choose to do on your parenting time is none of your XW's business and she needs that message loud, clear, and repeatedly until it sinks in.
Mediation over this? Let BM file for that mediation and enjoy when the mediator hands her her own ass. Go loaded for bear and put the XWBM under the microscope.
Have fun! }:)