Blame Game

Forums:

Does anyone else get blamed by BM when DH/SO has to change the schedule, or can't do something for SKids?

DH made the decision not to have Skids spend the night. He told BM on Tuesday. BM sends a text and tells DH I am the reason they aren't spending the night. DH put her in her place and told her to keep me out of it.

One thing I don't do is tell DH Skids can't spend the night. During the summer I wanted to go to an event. It was a weekend Skids would spend the night. I told DH it was a spend the night weekend. He said no problem. I will take them home that night.

While I might be disengaged I do not stop DH from seeing or spending time with SS12 and SS15.

Well, your DH was wrong to

Well, your DH was wrong to just text BM that he wasn't keeping the kids overnight. If it's his parenting time, it's his parenting time. I'd be frustrated if I had been told one thing only to have my ex tell me differently.

Should you be blamed? Eh, probably not. However, you DH doing this isn't fair to her, or the kids. If he doesn't want to keep them overnight, he needs to make that clear at the start. If he wants to go to an event in the evening with you, he needs to hire a babysitter. It's that simple.

I think it's alright to

I think it's alright to occasionally cancel a Saturday overnight in the OP's situation.

Per a previous OP posting:

"They come over Tues and Thursday (5:30 PM to 8:00 PM) They spend the night every other Saturday and on the Saturdays they don't spend the night my husband has them until 8:00 PM."

Dad has the boys every single Saturday (until at least 8pm) all year round month after month. There's bound to be an occasional Saturday that comes up where he would like to do an adult Saturday event or even weekend get-away.

However, what I would not do if I were the OP is give a hoot is BM blames me. Who cares? Anything and everything that doesn't please a BM will always and forever be a SM's fault *shrugs* If , as the SM, I only got one Saturday a month every three or so months a year with no kids after 6pm or no kids that day at all, meh, I wouldn't care if BM thinks I'm an evil creature.

As long as BM received notice in advance , which this time OP said BM knew by Tuesday, I see nothing wrong with it.

Hi. You are right. I should

Hi. You are right. I should not really care. It just gets to be stupid after a while. As I stated in the reply to Lieutenant Dad, she cancels way more visits than DH does.

Hi Lieutenant Dad. He

Hi Lieutenant Dad. He actually told her face to face on Tuesday. And before you say it's not fair to her that he cancelled. BM cancelled a whole month of visits in Feb, because she didn't want DH to take them out of state to see their grandparents. Now please understand DH was not cancelling as a tit for tat. He still did see them, they just didn't spend the night.

Hiring a babysitter for a Ss12 and Ss15 year old is a little dumb don't you think. My issue is this, I get blamed for decisions I have no authority to make.

What DH and BM do or don't do with their children has nothing to do with me.

Did he tell her or ask

Did he tell her or ask her?

If it's his parenting time, while he should ask BM if she would like to take the kids, he shouldn't TELL her what to do. If she says no, he needs to hire a babysitter, let them stay home alone, or not go.

The other parent isn't a built-in babysitter. Sure, it makes things easier, but it ultimately falls on the parent who has custody time to make appropriate arrangements.

I'm not saying she should drag you into her claims. That's inappropriate. I'm also not saying that the custody arrangement is fair that your DH gets them every Saturday. What I am saying is that your DH's approach is, in my opinion, inappropriate, too.

Maybe I am just getting caught up on the word "told", but I would be very unpleased if BM told DH he was going to take the kids, even with five days notice.

When I intially posted this

When I intially posted this question, I was simply asking a question. Venting so to speak. Next time I will be sure to list all the details.

DH had to be at work at 4:00 AM this morning. When OT his mandatory for his job he must go. To have them spend the night and wake them up at 3 AM is unfair to them. Before you say he coould have arranged for them to be picked up at a later time. She doesn't really want her children around me to begin with.

Are you stating DH should have asked permission to go to work? As far as a babysitter, you should tell BM that, cuz that is what she thinks DH is. I assure you, DH does his job as a parent and then some. Dead beat dad he is not. If he were a deadbeat I promise you I would not be with him.

So on occasion things come up. Guess what? Things come up on their end too and DH usually isn't told until he is in front of their house. Does he text blaming BM's boyfriend? No. Is he a little upset? Yes. But he realizes things happen.

Again, I just want to be left out of it.

I'm just going to stop now

I'm just going to stop now because I'm clearly not explaining myself.

We agree that you should be left out of it, but you won't be because you are viewed as the interloper. You will always be blamed so long as you are around to be blamed. However, it doesn't impact you in any way, shape, or form. And there will be times when it is your "fault" that your DH needs the night free. Again, what she says should have no bearing on your life. She can spout off all she wants, but it doesn't impact you.

Hey I was enjoying our

Hey I was enjoying our debate. You just shut me down. Lol Please understand I know I am putting things out there for discussion. Ee aren't going to agree on everything. Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong. I just think things don't have to be drama filled, in regards to step life. So putting this to bed. Until the next time Lieutenant Dad.

Blame by BM? Who cares

Blame by BM? :? Who cares and why do you? I wouldn't were I you.

We adopted the stance that the blended family opposition did what they were told when they were told and we didn't give a crap what they thought about it. It worked quite well for us.

I for one think that it is a great thing that your DH includes you in his management of his XW. As likely as not he needs your support in his BM management efforts.

Hi Rags. Yes he does, lots of

Hi Rags. Yes he does, lots of drama on her end and definitely a double standard on her part. I feel for the DH's do the right thing and are given a hard time.

Dani - Why is this bothering

Dani - Why is this bothering you, did you not get the memo..... we all get it once we get involved with divorce men with children.

what ever happens from here on wards with BM and the children, and her family.... it's all your fault.. hell if the cat has kittens - yes your fault as well... the hurricanes, wild fires and if it's very close to BM, guess who will get the blame...

make piece with it lol, BM will blame you for everything.... as long as Dh has your back, who cares what she blames you for

Acra your post literally made

Acra your post literally made me laugh out loud. You are right I am to blame for everything. Thank you for the laugh and reality check.

This happened exactly one

This happened exactly one time with BM. When I found out, I let her know in not so nice terms to keep my name out of her mouth and to pretend that I don't exist, just like I do with her. It's the only time I was ever told anything she said about me and has been the last. If she's tried something like that then DH has been smart enough not to tell me.

DH, bless his kind soul, is a push over, and I don't think she was expecting for someone to out b!tch her lol. It's stopped her trying to totally railroad over DH, so that is a plus.

Good for you. I tried that

Good for you. I tried that approach and BM obviously didn't get the memo.

I usually get blamed whenever

I usually get blamed whenever DH says something to BM that she feels is questioning her as a mother.

For example, DH has said he was concerned that SSs don't regularly do their homework. He told BM that they both need to work together to have high expectations for the kids and consequences if they don't do what they need to do (like no sports if you don't do your homework or behave in school). BM's retort "her expectations are just too high for our kids. She needs to realize that I'm an excellent mother."

In my case, we've only changed our weekend with BM once and it caused so much drama - with her pulling the kids in and saying to them "why don't you ask daddy about his trip?" in the background on the phone - that after that when we needed to move a weekend, we asked DH's mother or brother to take the kids, instead of trying to work with BM.

BM is usually the one who wants DH to pick up her weekends. Even with that, when he's offered to help her, if he can't do everything - like drive the kids to and from school - she tells him he's ruining her life. She doesn't blame me, but her ridiculous, adolescent behavior is enough for me to tell DH "don't take on her problems. when you offer any help, she expects you to take care of everything for her and then blames you when you can't, even though she couldn't manage to deal with it herself." So, yeah, we sort of expect her to manage any changes and we manage ours.

I'll also add that I find it

I'll also add that I find it so annoying when divorced parents nickel and dime one another over time with the kids. BM in my life loves to say how nice she is to DH and how she compromises with him all the time - she usually launches into these rants when DH can't solve one of her problems for her - but then it becomes world war III if DH wants to pick the kids up early or needs to pick them up 20 minutes late. She even demanded a mediation because she was mad that his job changed and he could no longer pick the kids up at 1:15pm on Fridays. In my mind, if you truly want to have a productive co-parenting relationship, then you need to be willing to give and take a little bit. DH also basically has to promise her extra favors if he wants any extra time with the kids (not including extra time she wants DH to take, so she can go away on her weekends). For example, he wants to have the kids for Halloween this year. Halloween is not included in their CO, but he has had them in years past, because BM doesn't want to go trick-or-treating. Last year, they stayed at BM's house. This year, DH asked in advance if he could have the kids. She made a stink about it because it was a weekday, so it was her time. She's also made a stink when DH wanted to see the kids on weekdays before, unless of course, she wants to get rid of them for a night or needs someone to take over.