Today we travel to see OSD new baby!

Forums:

Normally I would have made a gift or bought something nice. No appreciation for years kind of takes the desire to do or give anything for skids. DH has seen that I have not taken it upon myself to do anything so he has decided he will bring a nice dinner and provide a few fun groceries for the skids, like jello, yogurt, etc. I say nothing and I am doing nothing.

I just never know how things will be when we go and visit. One time things are nice and the next time I am the target of passive aggressive back handed remarks AND my dh NEVER EVER even notices.

The good news is we did not go to the hospital, which was nice to not see the ex and her allies of hate.

Today if I hear ANY snarly remarks I am going to say "Excuse me, what exactly are you saying?" What I have to work on is to respond and NOT react. I really think OSD is a narcissist and feeds on my reactions. Also, she does not like confrontations and therefore the reason she uses her passive aggressive approach to smack me.

The snarly remarks usually come after she is unhappy with something imagined or not, that I have said, not said, done, or not done.

Since OSD & her dh had ignored my text messages for ages, I stopped sending texts & stopped replying when she sent group texts to me & her dad. Seemed to me she did not want to hear from me so I gave her what she wanted. So now she sends group texts to me & my dh with pictures of new baby. I never replied until she sent one saying "hey, I just want to make sure you guys are getting messages and pictures". I then sent a smiley face, nothing more. The smiley face has meaning as in the past I have sent text messages such as "did you receive the gift I sent for skids? etc and all I would get is a smiley face. No, "yes, thank you, that was nice", etc. I always got a smiley face or I heard crickets.

We will see what today brings.

Sounds to me like you are

Sounds to me like you are giving her a dose of her own medicine. GOOD FOR YOU. I especially like how you gave her the smiley face in return. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when she received that message.

I think you are more than ready for the day. You have a well thought out plan. I admire you for making the effort to go.

Have a great day!!!

I'm with you Jam. These

I'm with you Jam. These trips are so unproductive. Going with your DH is thoughtful and I have also done this. I compliment you for your strength. I understand completely!

What I do now, and have for several years; I go if I feel necessary, such as you are doing. When I go I do not take any gifts. My SD56 and SGD32 (mother/daughter) are never without each other, when I'm present. They won't even come visit DH without one another. They are SO passive aggressive, they feed off each other towards me. I say absolutely NOTHING; I just look them straight in the eye and smile. If they try other methods, of conversation, I act as if I don't hear it. They will talk to DH about things they know will bother me; I have learned to just quietly leave the room, like I am going to the bathroom; then I do not return. I go outside, or I go to my sewing room, not a word. It infuriates them and now they have not visited in almost a year. I WILL NOT hostess them in any way. DH never thinks to offer them a cool drink or snack. I used to do all that, not now.

Just do not react to your SD. You have pulled this off perfect with the smiley face and letting her know she is NOT reaching you thru the texts; keep up the good work. Never interact in any conversation with her, by commenting back to her; they love it. Silence is driving my SD and SGD crazy and it puts a smile on my face knowing I am in control, not them.

Take pictures of your DH holding his grandchild, without SD. Give her back some passive aggression. Show her that you are the Alpha Female on your territory; this is what I do in our home and on several occasions (without a word). My DH is also narcissistic; I have found the only weapon against it is silence and absence with a smile; it makes them wonder and scratch their heads. Narcissist love drama, do not give it to them.

Proceed with caution...I have

Proceed with caution...I have yet to discover how to dance with a narc. All the things that may come to mind that sound as reasonable responses have been successfully turned back on to me...I do agree with you, that taking a stance with asking a clarifying statement should help..To reinforce what you said, though, keep the emotion out of your voice and out of the question because they DO feed off your reaction.

I remember several years ago, before I disengaged, keeping a calendar that tracked notes on any interaction with the SS so I could "prove" to myself that I did or said nothing wrong. He would always wait a month or two then go to my DH and say, "Veritas said this or that the last time I saw her" so he could cry to DH that I was mean to him....yeah, he was 26 when THAT crap started. I shudder when I remember those days...

Having a narc in the family is ridiculous. Needing to have a play book just to deal with them is even worse. Best of luck and hugs to you

So now she sends group texts

So now she sends group texts to me & my dh with pictures of new baby. I never replied until she sent one saying "hey, I just want to make sure you guys are getting messages and pictures".

Did your DH not respond to her? I would just leave it to him to respond. I guess she doesn't want to hear from you unless you are gushing over her offspring.

Good for you, for leaving the gift giving/gesture to your DH.

I am very interested on her reaction to actually being called out on her passive aggressive, snarky remarks. The very few times my SD has tried to be snarky, I just pretended I didn't hear her. Which, I'm sure frustrated her because she is very timid, so it probably took a lot for her to do it, and then it was ignored! She is not a narcissist, though, so it's a little different.

Agreed. I think my SSons

Agreed. I think my SSons thought it was a requirement to give gifts. They never once considered that I had the right to stop. It really felt good to stop. Skids need to realize those gifts were out of kindness.

Hope everything goes well for

Hope everything goes well for your visit.

You have a lot of class perhaps they need to take a few lessons on grace from you. Keep the course and please tell us how sweet this new baby is.

AWWWWWWWWW, new babies are wonderful

If she abhors confrontation

If she abhors confrontation then it seems to me that that should be your go to tactic in dealing with her PA crap. Each and ever time... immediately regardless of where or when it occurs and regardless of who is preset.

"Excuse me? Grow up, and have the testicular fortitude to speak up or just keep your mouth shut."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

One more suggestion. My Ex

One more suggestion. My Ex SIL did not like me and was very passive aggressive towards me. For instance, when my dh would insist we visit her, and her family, even though it was 120 degrees outside she would only offer a beverage to my ex. He would of course accept and never noticed that I was never offered anything. My suggestion is this when you go, carry your own water and snacks in your purse. When you get there just take your drink out and eat your snacks when you are hungry. It is like telling her, I do not need or want anything from you. Believe me she will notice. A simple thing to do that speaks volumes. If for happen chance she does offer, say no thanks I brought my own with a smile.

When things get too passive aggressive, say you are going for a walk around the block, stay out as long as you can, or say you need to go to the nearest drug store, take the car and stay out for a while claiming you saw the most beautiful homes and yards. That you took pictures in order to give her some ideas for her yard and her home. Checkmate! Passive aggression returned. Again, it gives her the message that you are in control even though you are in her home. Your hubby will probably think that you are being thoughtful to think about her home and yard.

Make it a game and she will not affect you much.

How did it go "Jam"?

Yes Jam, please update us on

Yes Jam, please update us on the visit.

As you already know, I

As you already know, I dreaded going.

My dh & I stopped by the store on the way and purchased all the food, snacks, drinks, paper plates etc and even got each of the kids a pumpkin. My dh always goes overboard and I have come to just accept that is who he is.

We had told osd we would be there around noon. We were on time as we always are. When we drove up, sd's dh was in the front yard doing some yard work. He told us to go on in and see the baby. We walked into the living room and no one was there. My dh is walking through the house saying "Hello! Hello!". No reply. Mind you the house is a small 900 sq ft home. We walked through the living room, into the kitchen and out the backdoor where the 3 sgkids were playing. I sat down and simply relaxed while my dh played with the sgkids. About 45 mins later sd's dh comes walking out to where we were and asked were is OSD? We both said, I don't know. So he goes into the house and comes out shortly with the new baby and places him in my lap. A couple mins later osd comes out.

Now when osd came out to join us, she & her family were hungry and ready to eat. Since I was already holding the baby, I sat there at the table holding the baby while everyone else ate. When I noticed my dh was finished eating, I got up and handed him the baby and fixed me a small plate.

Really everything seemed to go really nice other than A) I felt osd ignored us for the first hour, along with her dh, and no one had a problem eating in front of me while I held the baby.

I have to say the kids were sweet and loving and I really actually enjoyed them. I mean I really enjoyed them. Osd & her dh were very sweet as well. My dh took lots of pictures and even got some nice ones of me holding the new baby. I too, took several pictures and took some nice group pictures of sd, her family, & my dh in the front yard just before our final good bye.

Now when we got home, I started going through the pictures and my dh thought it would be good to post pictures on fb. I was very reluctant as I have not had a fb relationship with osd in at least 3 years. See, osd had ignored me for so long on fb that I decided to give her what she wanted but my dh tells me that posting pictures of our get together is what people do.

So now, against my better judgement, I posted several pictures that evening. I was pleasantly surprised that OSD's dh indicated he liked the pictures but I got the same ole "crickets" that I had gotten several years ago from OSD.

Okay, lets see if I can explain what happened next. I have to let you know that in the group pictures taken in osd front yard, that sgs3 was naked. He had been running around naked for hours in the back yard and was running around the front yard butt naked as we said our final good byes, so yes, he was naked in the group pictures taken and therefore the one group picture shared has a naked 3 year old.

The next day I get a message from OSD to "please remove naked picture of sgs3". So here I am looking like a complete moron. I did not even think about it, I just thought it an innocent kid that does not have a shy bone in his body.

So Mrs Lincoln, other than that, how did you like the play?

You just can't win, Jam. OSD

You just can't win, Jam. OSD played nice, but nothing has changed.

Make sure your DH knows about OSD's request. Could be she's worried about pedophiles, but more likely she doesn't want people to know she's the kind of mother who let's her kids run feral.

sounds like every one got to

sounds like every one got to stuff their faces while you baby sat.

i feel sorry for the children who will wind up as messed up adults after being raised by selfish parents.

I agree with exjulie

I agree with exjulie regarding the kids running feral. If she was worried about pedophiles she would not have allowed her kid running naked in the front yard where the world could see. Do not worry about it, focus on the good time you had with the kids. They were worth any discomfort you experienced from Sd request. Not only that your dh saw you as a good sport and you were. Pat yourself on the back for this one.

my dh barely notices the

my dh barely notices the venomous sibling rivalry in his children. they make snarky comments to each other and he just beams like an idiot and is just so happy to be in their presence.

being a new mother is just another way a narcissist sd can be the centre of attention.

carry on with your plan to stay disengaged. its the best way to deal with these people.

You did very well and it

You did very well and it sounds like you enjoyed your visit with the grandkids. Glad you got thru it without undo stress.

I would take down the pictures from FB, if SD (mother) has requested you to do so. You can crop the pictures and repost any you like; myself I don't post anything to do with my SD.

My SD56 came by yesterday to visit her Dad. She was nice, but I know she is not sincere; I just ignore it all and continue with my disengagement. I never want to go thru disengaging from square 1. I am not going to put myself thru her drama EVER AGAIN.

Enjoy your grandchildren, but do not open yourself up to be a target.

Happy you enjoyed your trip!

As soon as I got the text

As soon as I got the text from OSD, I deleted the entire post. There was only the one group picture that had a nude 3 year old. About an hour AFTER I had deleted the entire post I get another message from OSD that stated she loved the album and of course only wanted the one picture removed. I did re-post but only after I had cropped the one picture and after I had sent a group message back to OSD that included her dh and my dh, and my apology. She replied back with a nice message and included a "no need to apologize".

In the past OSD has sent candid snap shots of the sgkids via text, and yes, there have been a couple of nude shots.

I have to admit that when I got the first message from OSD, I was angry. Felt she was doing her passive aggressive bs and as always seemed to have "RIGHT" on her side. Who could argue about a nude picture posted on fb. I was clearly the idiot that did not have a leg to stand on. The one piece of good that came of it was a statement by my dh in which he said "OSD can allow her kids to run around in the front yard naked for the whole neighborhood to see, but has a problem with your little post?" My dh did not say anything about him encouraging the pictures to be posted in the first place. He knew I did not want to.

I had prepared myself to respond to any & all snarky remarks but got none. As exjuliemccoy said, "OSD played nice".

My biggest regret is that I posted ANY pictures. I should have continued my non fb relationship.

Sammigirl, I like your advise about not opening myself up to be a target. Unfortunately I did just that by posting pictures. So now I have a reminder to self. "Jam, do not open yourself up to be a target!"

jam...you did nothing to hurt

jam...you did nothing to hurt your disengagement; you did well by taking down the post and doing as your SD requested, because it involved her child. You were great to do so. Just don't think about it, all is well. Just move forward and keep arms length, so that you are not open for passive aggression.

I would back off from any future posts or social communications with your SD, if you wish to stay disengaged. You don't have to mention it to DH, just continue on the high road.

Good job!

It sounds like the visit was

It sounds like the visit was pleasant and enjoyable.
We too visited the OSD gifts in hand when she gave birth to her children.
Those visits went well and I noticed that she posted pics of DH with the new born each time but although she took one pic of me with the new born that pic was never posted.
One thing that I thought was strange was with the birth of her most recent child she gushed over the gift and stated that she couldn't wait to show it to BM because she was just going to love it. I don't even understand that remark.
I have not seen OSD since that visit. I have deleted all social media. So if I am not seeing them or hearing from them I would just like to get them out of my head!