wedding blues
I have been married to my husband for 7 years. We grew up together, both married others and had children, both divorced, and then reconnected 9 years ago. We both have adult children from our previous marriages. We were never involved with each other until well after our divorces.
My 3 adult children love and accept my husband. He is a wonderful man & a great step-dad. He has 2 adult children of his own, and I have a great relationship with his daughter. All of our children live in a different state than we do, and his son lives and works in the UK.
My problem is with his son. He has never accepted me, or respected our marriage. In the beginning, I encouraged my husband to see him whenever possible. If he came to the states, he would ask to have dinner with his dad (without me), and I would never try to make my husband feel guilty. There have been several instances where all of the family (husband, his parents and sisters) have been invited to do things while s-son was visiting, but I was left out. My husband has spoken to him about this several times. He says he has nothing against me. We have invited him to visit our home 2 - 3 times while he was in the states. His mother lives in the same area we do, so logistically it wasn't a stretch. He has refused. The last time his dad spoke to him about it, he made the statement that I am "not his step-mother", I am his "dad's 2nd wife." Fine by me. I'm not one to try and parent my own adult children, except when they ask for advice, so I have no problem not parenting him. He would know this, if he had ever taken the time to get to know me.
Here is the issue. He is getting married, in the UK. The invitation was extended to me, too. However, his "stag" party was the weekend before, and he wanted his dad to come - without me - or bring me and leave me in a hotel in Scotland for 3 days. (It's a weekend.) My husband declined to do this, not just because he didn't want to leave me alone (as I told him, I can entertain myself - I'm used to it - I go with him on business trips quite frequently.) He declined because of the activities included, as well as the additional time away from work and the expense. Step son is very displeased.
We are flying in for the wedding. The only person I will know there, other than my husband, is his ex-wife - who has hated me since Jr. High. (seriously - I know, it's juvenile). Step son has no problem with his step-father, the actual person whom his mother had the affair with that ended the marriage of my husband and her.
I am happy to go to the UK with my sweet husband, but I am struggling with attending the wedding. I see no reason why I should go. I have never been included. I have been disrespected, left out, and ignored. My husband understands, and will accept and support my decision - it is my own guilt I am struggling with. I don't want to go. It has been 7 years, he lives in another country, I just don't see the point of putting myself through and extremely uncomfortable day for someone who has no use for me.
Your thoughts are appreciated.
Regardless of the past
Regardless of the past relationship, you were invited. Some steps are intentionally NOT invited.
Go to the UK with your DH. On stag night, do something special for yourself. Spend time enjoying the sights. Find a spa or a lovely little restaurant and treat yourself. I've done a lot of solo traveling.
When you and your DH go to the wedding (you were invited!), be a class act. Smile, be cordial, be proud to be on the arm of your husband. It's one night out of the rest of your life. I would go with my DH because I love him and want to be with him.
Thank you for the input. As I
Thank you for the input. As I said, it's not "stag night", it's "stag 3 day weekend", and my DH has already declined. That would involve us being gone for 3 weeks, and isn't plausible at that time. I will consider your thoughts about the wedding.
Oops, my bad, asgunny. Don't
Oops, my bad, asgunny. Don't know how on earth I missed that!! (Although I'd be okay with spending 3 days in Scotland...)
In the end, you have to make the best decision for YOU.
This is a tough one. Do
This is a tough one.
Do you know the bride? If so how has she been towards you? If not, perhaps she will be a turning point in the family dynamic.
As you have been invited...go and enjoy yourself. Dance with DH and all the little children at the reception. Chat up the new in-laws.
Mingle with other guests and make small talk.
If anyone is rude shrug it off. Ask them to repeat what they said.
Dance more.
Have a Xanax or some wine pre ceremony to take off the anxiety edge. Otherwise don't drink too much.
Consider it like going to a coworkers wedding. Or dinner and a show.
A couple hours of time out of the whole trip.
Make the most of the rest of the trip. Look up things you want to see and do while there.
Unless DH does not want to go to stag party due to questionable theme or activities, then go with him to Scotland.
The stag party is couple hours...enjoy the rest of the trip.
Make the time between the stag party and the wedding a special trip for you both.
Maye the SS will change his attitude after he is married. Maybe not.
Just do not make decisions for your life based on his actions or BM hating you for all these years. Her hate is her burden to carry. Do not carry it for her.
I like your style, (i.e.,
I like your style, (i.e., xanax and wine.) The stag party is a 3 day ordeal, not just a few hours. My husband has declined. We will arrive the Wednesday before the Saturday wedding, and are staying to the Wednesday after. I plan on enjoying a few sights in London while there.
I have met the bride to be once, she seems nice. I will not know anyone else there other than DH and ex-wife.
I don't foresee any change in attitude once they are married. I think this is why I am really questioning why I should or should not go. My encounters with him will be (maybe) once every few years...
Originally, when we were first invited, they (bride and SS) offered us their flat so that we could stay the week after the wedding to sight-see, etc. That offer was rescinded because his mom decided she wanted his flat. So - we were out - even though it was offered to his dad nearly a year ago. LOL
I'd go to support your
I'd go to support your husband. He's stood up for you with his child, so he's on your side. Go enjoy the wedding, dance with your husband, have fun. Show your SS that you're the bigger person and his being rude won't impact you. See it as one uncomfortable obligation you need to complete on a fun UK vacation with your husband.
Your stepson sounds like a whiny baby...upset that his dad won't go on his stag do? I lived in the UK for a while and stag dos are always just a bunch of wasted lads out causing a ruckus.
The fact that he called you his father's 2nd wife is fine, but as part of his father's family, he should include you whether he sees you as a mother figure or not. Sounds like his mother is also a whiny baby.
As hard as it will be to put it all aside, I still think you should go to support your DH. Will your DH know other people there? Have him reach out to those folks before the wedding to say "hey, so-and-so, I hope you're going to be at SS's wedding. I'm so excited for you to meet my wife. She's great." Then you know more people.
You know if you don't go, that will be the topic of conversation - "well, we invited her, but she didn't even show up" - and that will be the excuse any other time SS has an event or comes to town. Don't give him that excuse.
If his mother makes a scene, then you can quietly duck out. Let it be about BM making a scene and not you not showing up.
I appreciate your input.
I appreciate your input. Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I'm going to consider my decision very thoughtfully. The reasons you listed are part of why it is such a hard decision. I know that if I don't attend, it will be used to justify his behavior toward me...I'm just not sure I really care anymore?? At this point, I don't really want to "get to know" him. I think I already do.
I have the same sort of
I have the same sort of relationship w/ss32, he's just plain nasty to me at any opportunity while his brother ss26 and I get on alright. With every new gf ss talks marriage so I'm sure it will happen eventually.
When ss32 does get married my wedding gift to him will be my absence. It won't be a big announcement or drama w/DH it'll just be that my dear cousin just had surgery and needs assistance that very weekend or something of that nature. DH will likely give money, and a card. I will be signing and contributing nothing since it's ss's wish that I not be in his life at all.
You can be extremely polite, kind and wish the new couple well w/out being present.
I attended a wedding like
I attended a wedding like this same scenario this summer. do not feel bad if going would make you uncomfortable. don't go to save your sanity! I promise you - you won't miss anything except hard feelings.
Re the past behavior... I
Re the past behavior... I don't see an issue with your DH and his son meeting up one on one with his limited time here in the states. BUT, when that is extended to include other family members (and i am assuming THEIR spouses) then you should be included.
I think it's fine for the SS to not see you as "stepmother" but as "dad's wife"... that's perfectly fine. BUT, that means you are included in social things that would typically include a spouse. He doesn't have to love you like a mother, but tbh, it would be nice if he were willing to get to know you as a person.
Now to the wedding & Stag. Stag weekend is the equivalent of a bachelor party.. so I imagine NO wives are included. It was just extra awkward planning since you guys are coming from the states. I think your DH should be crystal clear that the reason he is not attending that is logistical and doesn't rest upon his wife's exclusion.
The wedding itself. My thought is that your husband should make an effort to attend as long as it isn't causing a financial or employment hardship. It's his son.
Whether you attend is up to you. I honestly think it always is nice to go, dress fabulously and be the sweetest, kindest, most interesting person on the planet.lol. It is nice if you can do it to support your DH.. not so much as it is in support of the SS (who is just your DH's son right?).
If the trip would allow for you to have some fun times for the two of you.. I say go. Make a great impression on everyone. Let BM do her MOTY act. Take the high road because it will only make those that don't look petty. Then go have fun as a couple and see the sights.
Hi - thanks for the response.
Hi - thanks for the response. As for not being his "step-mother" - DH and I laughed. I have no desire, as I have stated, to be any type of parent figure to him or his sister. I have my own children. The reason I mentioned it was to illustrate his attitude toward me - it was meant to be derogatory. I'm "just" his dad's 2nd wife. Fine with me. I agree with you that in being his dad's 2nd wife, I should be invited to social events that include the family. I am not - until now.
I also understand that DH needs time with his son, especially since they live in different countries. I have never tried to stop that. I encourage that with ALL of my DH's family, including his mother and sisters. As a matter of fact, when DH was intent on "drawing a line in the sand" about 5 years ago, saying that basically, if his son continued to be rude to me he wouldn't see DH either - I stopped it. I never want to be the reason that they don't see one another.
DH is attending the wedding. Flights and hotels are booked & paid for - there is no question that his father will be there. One thing I haven't made clear is that I do have problems with anxiety. Going to this wedding feels to me like stepping into a den of lions. I know that no matter how I behave, I will be fodder for vicious gossip. Some of that is my anxiety, most of it has been personal experience over the last 9 years.
I will definitely be taking a supply of xanax with me, especially if I decide to attend. I am hearing the arguments for attending. I love my husband, and he does want me to go - but also understands his ex and her tactics, and his son's behavior. I really wish this wasn't so damn hard.
I would probably go to the
I would probably go to the wedding and encourage my DH to attend the Stag weekend. At least he could go and spend a day with his BS if he doesn't want to leave you for an entire weekend.
I would also attend the wedding as you were invited. I would most likely avoid the reception as that is where a scene may happen if at all. Or if you felt you must go to the reception, keep it short and excuse yourself. But tell your DH to stay and enjoy.
I am a very strong willed person and typically would be the type to say "STAY HOME" and don't go.
However, I know I will be faced with the same situation someday in the future.
I would hope I could go and show some class and grace and not allow them to bully me. But yet, I would not want to stick around much longer than necessary as to not tempt the lions.
Thanks. DH doesn't want to
Thanks. DH doesn't want to attend stag weekend. He offered to go and spend a day, but was told that would be impossible due to the location of the activities. His decision had nothing to do with me - he just doesn't want to go. I won't go into detail, but it's just not something he wants to do. And, if he had wanted to go, I would have been happy to entertain myself. I'm very capable of doing so - have done it many times. I am a bit of a loner, anyway.
I can't remember who exactly
I can't remember who exactly on this site that I'm plagiarizing but I apologize in advance... (I paraphrase). Go buy a red dress and show up looking life Sofia Vergara or choose not to go and go do something nice for yourself that you enjoy.
The theater is fantastic in London and I almost always prefer the Saturday matinees.
Personally, I think you can do this and show the classy lady that you are despite you husband's ex- being a witch and your SS being a self-absorbed little pr1ck (which in my experience is synonymous with "step son"... but that my OWN personal experience but I digress).
I would feel GREAT about myself in this case for taking the high road, having everyone LOVE you and, in essence, exposing that if bad things HAVE been said about you in the past, they are untrue.
In the end, like others here say, you have to do what's best for you and your immediate family (your husband). It should like he's supportive of whatever you want to do which is AWESOME in and of itself. He sounds like a stand-up guy.
I agree with Pinkb, go to the
I agree with Pinkb, go to the wedding looking gorgeous and spend your time talking to the people at the wedding that you don't know, make sure to laugh a lot, keep a smile on your face and overall look like you are having the time of your life. If people want something to talk about then give it to them:
she looked great: check!
she had a blast: check!
she had a good time: check!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I have decided...not to decide.
For now, anyway. The wedding is isn't for a couple of months. I think the best course of action is to see how things go when we get there. The wedding is in the morning, the party/reception is that evening. I may attend the wedding but not the party, if I'm given a cold reception. Either way, I am lucky to have the support of my DH.
Thanks again!
That sounds like a good
That sounds like a good strategy. Go, have a fabulous trip with your DH, and if things feel right on the day, go to the wedding. If they don't, schedule a spa day for yourself while your DH goes to the wedding. Maybe everyone (SS, BM, other family members) will realize that the day is really about the bride, so they should all just keep their mouths shut and not cause drama.
By all means, GO! Just don't
By all means, GO! Just don't go to the wedding. While the wedding is in progress, go for a tour of the area, have tea with the Queen, visit a pub, enjoy yourself!
Oh, I'm going on the trip.
Oh, I'm going on the trip.
Flight is booked & paid for...I'll decide about the wedding when I get there. 
I'm going to see Stonehenge for sure & we are thinking of taking the tunnel to Paris for a day or two.
a wedding is a rare event.
a wedding is a rare event.
you may choose to go just to be polite. i was included in a wedding party as the wife of the father. i was not thrilled as bm got all the glory, but i sat next to my husband at the service.
skids are an odd lot.
one of the skids, an sd, is close friends with her former step father. this is the one bm cheated with while married to her father. this is also the man who cheated on her mother for the second divorce.
go figure.
If you have been excluded for
If you have been excluded for years, this is going to just be one more public opportunity to do so....to make you feel lesser and put DH on the spot ....
I would not go, not a chance....you protect your emotional health; from what I have read weddings are just a public way to make certain you feel like a piece of furniture that never fit in the room to begin with....think about it seriously before deciding to go...
Go to the wedding ceremony
Go to the wedding ceremony but don't go to the reception, or just go long enough to be seen but don't stay for dinner or the dance.
You or DH can claim illness if anyone asks.
Yes, I know the bride and groom will have paid for food for you but oh well.
The reception is where you'll be left out and ignored. So just avoid that part.
Just an FYI, that is very
Just an FYI, that is very easy for a SM to be left out of the wedding too, and I'm not talking about SM simply not getting a corsage. I'm talking about plans being made for your husband, without anyone even giving him a heads up on it or asking his permission. The plan could be for your DH and his ex- to walk down the aisle together, sit together, be the only ones allowed in any wedding pictures, and so on
If you do decide to go to the wedding, either be prepared for the above or try to find out what the plan is, but a warning there too. I have heard of dad and his wife (SM) being told one thing about the plans and then once they arrive, the plan is changed at the last second, with SM having to sit in the back or, in one case, at the barbecue pit while DH and his ex- are expected to hang out modeling husband and wife for the entire series of events.
Some try to justify this by saying that mom and dad are just acting as parents at the event, but you don't see parents Uncle Joe and his ex- hanging out together rather than Uncle Joe and his current wife, or you don't see anyone else being hooked up as parents vs. husband and wife at weddings or at any event, really. Money has nothing to do with it either, because no one is seated at a wedding by what funds they contributed. It certainly is OK for son or SS to sit up front with his girlfriend of 3 months, for instance. And, the fact that these plans seem to be made without checking with dad first, at least, not only reeks of an intentional set-up, but a malicious one as well. Weddings are about couples and marriage. DH and his wife are a couple and are married. Why in God's name would anyone think it would even remotely be okay to ignore someone else's marriage altogether at a wedding or any event!? Hook someone up with someone other than their spouse, without EITHER husband nor wife giving any input on the matter nor permission?
Whatever you do, take care and be aware.
You are absolutely right,
You are absolutely right, Idvilen.
SMs can and are ignored everywhere.
OP, if you are ignored at the wedding and DH is expected to play happy husband with BM, then ditch the reception and don't hold back.
No need for a headache, tell everyone, DH, BM, SS, other guests that you are not sticking around to be treated like garbage.
DH is free to make his own decision. Honestly, if it was me, I'd want DH to go to the reception for the toasts and speeches and then leave.
No way I'd want to be blamed for DH not going. But on second thought, SM is going to be blamed either way. So just tell DH that you don't want to hear anything about what anyone said. Put it out of your mind and forget the whole day.
I honestly wouldn't be
I honestly wouldn't be surprised at anything. Another reason my radars are on high alert.
I'm wondering why SS's sister
I'm wondering why SS's sister isn't going?
You said you get along well with SD, but she won't be at her brothers wedding?
That is odd to me.
Good catch! Yes, there are
Good catch! Yes, there are multiple relationship issues, caused by BM, IMO. Hence, one of the reasons I am so apprehensive.
Personally, I would go to the
Personally, I would go to the wedding and the dinner but I would not stay long after the first dance. Be a class act, dress to the nines, and be as casual as you would be at a strangers wedding. Your husband deserves you to go along with him and be a sport as his kid is a real sh**.
Once you leave the wedding to out to the local clubs or to a late theater.
Enjoy your trip!!
The wedding is just one day.
The wedding is just one day. Think of this as a vacation for you as a couple.
I love London. DH and I went there the first year we were married and still talk about the wonderful time we had. So many interesting places there, the wedding will not be the highlight of your trip, just an obligation to get over with, for the sake of your DH.
I would never let my DH go to a wedding without me. Or a trip abroad. You'd be missing out on some really special times by staying behind.
If the reception is at a hotel, consider booking a room there for the day (several floors up if possible) and you can arrive downstairs moments before the wedding starts and retreat to your room after, if anything makes you uncomfortable.
Personally, I love weddings and DH is all mine on the dance floor. I usually end up teaching the other guests how to dance.
The wedding may be one day,
The wedding may be one day, but one hour is sufficient enough for someone to stick a knife deep into SM's back and cackle while SM screams out in pain every time the instigator(s) continues to twist the knife back and forth throughout the rest of the day.
Sorry, for the imagery, but Halloween is approaching in the US, you know
. I truly admire SMs who can suck it up and take it every time. And some can actually not let it bother them, at least for the time being. But, not all of us have those kind of nerves or whatever it takes. For some of us, you truly feel like a jack-rabbit hanging out around a starving hillbilly's boiling pot at these type of events. On the other hand, maybe if you can keep jumping around for that one day and stay out of the way of the hungry hillbillies, your reward may be having DH all to yourself on the dance floor or really special times abroad? It is always a crap-shoot. This is why you have to do what works for you and go with your gut.
The Skids don't have that
The Skids don't have that kind of power over me. Not in the same ballpark as a hateful ex-husband that you once loved and you're trying to get over.
It is hard to be in the same room with the skids (especially SDs) and I give myself a pep talk every time prior and count the hours before it's over.
But yes, I would put up with that discomfort for a trip to London. You bet.
Please remember that nothing
Please remember that nothing is forever. Even if you go to the wedding and things get tough, no one, absolutely no one, can tie you down and force you to stay. Make sure you have uber on your cell. I have made use of Uber many times when I have been out, and I was done with the event even though my friends were not. I simply go to them and say, "I am ready to go home and have contacted uber." They can be angry all they want, at the end it is my life. You can go with dh and have a good time and if gets uncomfortable and he does not want to leave, you can! It will remind him that you have boundaries and at the end it is good for him to know that you have lines in the sand that cannot be crossed. Either way it is a win-win situation for you!
I liked your comment on the
I liked your comment on the other post too: "It really takes internal fortitude to confront the devil head on!"