Bio plans "errands" for my DH to run with the stepkids on "his time" with the kids.
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Bio plans "errands" for my DH to run with the stepkids on "his time" with the kids. I just think this is another way for her to control his time with the kids. We have our own darn errands to run for them/with them when they are with us. Plus, this interferes with being able to plan our weekend. Is this another control move from BIO?
It Sure... seems like it to me. How do I get my husband to realize her motives with these things. Or am I just overthinking this?
What kind of errands?
What kind of errands?
Yup, we have that, too. DH
Yup, we have that, too. DH has the kids EOWE (so, typically four days a month), but BM always requests that he take them for haircuts, clothes and shoe shopping, pictures with Santa, and even taking them to the dentist on DH's time. Not sure why she expects DH to get things done in four days that she can't get done in the 26 she has them.
Is it a control thing?
Is it a control thing?
Yes, I think so. I think she
Yes, I think so. I think she still likes to know that she can tell DH what to do and he'll do it.
I forgot that she also demanded that DH take one son to get his eyes checked and get prescription glasses, because she felt that DH should "have to do something" since she "does everything". DH took him on a Friday night, got the glasses, paid for them in full (without asking BM to pay her 70% as required in the CO), and then SS never wore them because according to BM "he was embarrassed". She tried to tell DH it was his fault because the glasses he got SS were "adult glasses" and DH needed to get him a new pair. Um, no, they weren't "adult glasses". I think the glasses were broken somehow and BM wanted to hide it.
I also think that BM is just "overwhelmed" by life and loves to play the martyr. Mind you, DH has asked for more full custody time, but BM had a fit and says absolutely not, while simultaneously complaining to DH (literally in the same email) that she has to "sacrifice" everything for the children and he doesn't have to "sacrifice" anything.
Taking kids & their glasses
Taking kids & their glasses to get adjusted ~ when she has them another week and half before he gets the kids again. She doesn't work ~ she could swing by there on her weekend or during the week after school ~ but would rather the put it off for him to take them.
Taking the kids shopping to spend a gift certificate that expires soon. Which she could take them anytime this week and heck she had all summer with them to take them.
Taking kids to get haircuts and anything she doesn't want to pay for. She wouldn't want to spend her income on the kids. AKA ~ Child support.
I'd take the glasses in to
I'd take the glasses in to adjust but no to everything else on her 'to do' list. Does she think Dad is the kid's servant and wallet?
No, Dad isn't going shopping and no Dad isn't planning on a hair cut so he's not doing the barber shop. There, pretty easily settled.
I have a hunch though the problem is your DH is falling over himself to say 'yes, of course I will do all these things, BM. Anything else since the kids and I are out and about?'
TBH, there better be a pretty
TBH, there better be a pretty good reason why an errand/appt needs to fall on a NCP time.
Just out of curiosity, why do
Just out of curiosity, why do you say it like this? I have residential custody of our children, with ex getting every other weekend (during the school year). During summer, we have 50/50 custody. During the school year, I am the only one doing homework with them, getting them up and dressed for school, getting them home from school, making dinner and getting them to bed on time. Ex does not have to do any of those things. I always ask him to take our son for haircuts (I always take our daughter) because he has always been telling the stylist how to cut Jack's hair. I would be really upset if he said that was not a good enough reason for him to do that for his son during his visitation. His weekends shouldn't be ALL about having fun, sometimes things just need to get done, and I shouldn't be the only one to always have to do it. Luckily, ex never seems to have a problem with this (nor his live-in girlfriend, that I'm aware of) but if they did, it would really bother me. It's not about playing the martyr, it's about what actually happens during the school year during the week. I work full time and there just isn't time to do everything for my kids that need to be done.
The other side of that coin
The other side of that coin is that your ex doesn't get to see the children every day, so he's missing out on that side of parenting as well. That may feel like a burden sometimes, but it's probably a "burden" your ex wishes he could be part of. You may feel that it's unfair that you have to "do everything", but I'm sure your ex feels that it's unfair that you get to see the children 26 days out of the month and he sees them 4 days out of the month.
My DH would love to take on more parenting responsibilities in return for more actual parenting time, but BM refuses.
Also, DH and I were the only ones doing homework with both SSs last year - via phone - and BM told DH he was "being intrusive" by doing that. She told him he had no right to call the children nightly because that was her time. She wasn't doing homework with the children and DH was unhappy about that, so he took it upon himself to call them every evening to work through every assignment with them. In return, BM now takes the children's phones in the evenings, so he can't call them.
In my BM's case, she wants to control every interaction DH has with the kids. If she wants that much control, then she can take on all the responsibility that comes along with that, including managing all of the non-fun parenting tasks.
Well.. because the NCP often
Well.. because the NCP often has precious little time with the child. Maybe 4 days a month. That the CP 4 weekend days of their own.. plus all the other school/work days to deal with appts and such.
Now, I don't mind if the parents are close geographically if they decide to do appts during the week and CP asks the NCP to take their turn asking off work to deal with a Dr or Dentist appt. That's different than the CP expecting the NCP to use a significant part of his custodial time dealing with something arranged by the CP.
For example.. you make a hair appt at 11 am on a Saturday. You just shot the NCP's ability to go away for the weekend with his family. They can't go even on a day trip on Saturday because they have to basically be there half the day due to the hair thing. Sunday is out because they have to return child by X oclock.
So.. yeah.. I think that routine stuff should be mostly handled by the CP since they have the kid available to them a LOT more. If they don't want that, they can change custody and CS arrangements.
Oh.. and this I hated. "Look, (anything starting with that WORD.. was bad news) I signed up OSD for Field hockey, her first practice is Sunday at 2. You need to get her cleats, shin pads a stick and practice ball and she needs to be at her practice at 2 on Sunday."
Yeah... and so this is Friday at 5 we learn this and since it is a 2 hour drive to deliver her.. we basically get to take her shopping on Saturday then leave sunday morning to give her back. so, you reach into DH's pocket and F up the weekend with basically no notice.
So, ask dad to take off work to go to appts is fine.. he has leave too. But, filling up his precious weekend time with stuff she was too lazy or cheap to take care of? no.
And... we had our share of "daddy, mama was supposed to help me with my project and it's due MONDAYyyyyyyyy." So, yep... our weekend is now scrambling to finish some project that mama promised but didn't deliver on. Off we go to the dollar general (only store within an hour of us when we lived out of town).. praying they have something to get us through.
Oh yeah, we've had a
Oh yeah, we've had a "project" show up on Friday evening that had not been started and needed to be handed in on Monday morning. The child in question arrived with a blank poster board on Friday evening and said, "can you help me with this?" I first had to explain all of the work that had to be done, then find a copy of the book (the project was a book report and accompanying poster, but the book had been returned to the library), then spend 90% of the weekend working on the project and dealing with tears from the child when he realized all that he had to do. When he returned on Sunday evening, BM sent DH a text saying "you didn't have to do the whole project, we were going to work on it when he got home." Ok, so from 7pm to whenever bedtime is, you were going to write a book report and create a poster? Would have been nice to explain to DH what you planned to do when you got home, so we wouldn't bother wasting his weekend working on it. I knew the report had been assigned six weeks previously, because DH got an email about it from the teacher. When DH forwarded the email, I asked the child if he needed help, and at the time, he said no, he didn't. I'm not above helping, but I am annoyed when I have to scramble at the last minute because BM couldn't be bothered to make sure her child (who is already anxious enough about school as it is) was prepared.
I also agree, if the CP wants the NCP to take time during the week to go to appointments, then by all means, share the burden, but don't surprise the NCP with a list of demands for his time. The CP presumably wanted to be the CP and also presumably likes being able to have primary authority over the child's life. With authority, comes responsibility. You can't pass out responsibility while expecting to still maintain complete authority.
We went through almost the
We went through almost the exact same thing last school year. YSS had to do a trifold board for a book report and knew about the report for several weeks. Never mentioned anything to DH or I on any previous weekend. Didn't mention that he was struggling to find a book in his reading level to do the report on (he reads at a high school level and was in elementary school; he always had a hard time finding books). Not a word...
...Until Friday he shows up with nothing and BM informs us he needs the poster, markers/crayons/glue/whatever to make the poster (didn't bother to bring any of that stuff that YSS already owns that we bought for school), and, oh yeah, a book to read.
We put every plan we had for the weekend on hold so that YSS could find a book, read a book, and get started on the project to finish at BM's.
I'm not saying some of this isn't DH's responsibility to help, or that it's entirely on BM for not forcing the issue (YSS hadn't done his due diligence), but one of those two could have informed DH that this was going to be a thing so he was prepared. They could have gone out and bought the supplies for the project, or at least brought over the supplies DH had already bought. Really, they could have done ANYTHING in the week prior versus "oh yeah, this huge project is due Tuesday; have fun figuring it out even though we've had literal WEEKS to come up with a plan".
Ugh...
Yes it is and the best thing
Yes it is and the best thing to do is say no.
"Sorry but we have plans already and you can do that when you have the kids yourself".
Unless she asks in advance and DH agrees then tough luck.
So, I assume your husband
So, I assume your husband does these errands that BM plans for him?
Control, laziness, doesn't want to pay, etc. Your husband seriously doesn't see this? Have you asked him about it? "Hey, DH, why is BM giving you errands to run and why are you doing it?" And "it's for the kids" is not a valid answer, they are for BM.
She will do it as long as your husband bows to her commands.
If you want to make plans, tell him ahead of time that you are making plans for that weekend, so BM will have to run her own errands.
Our BM likes to tell DH do
Our BM likes to tell DH do things on his time (haircuts, dental appointments--basically anything she doesn't want to do), but he only does things that he's willing to do. For example, BM wanted SS to get sealants on his teeth during DH's summer time, but he didn't do it. SD needed a haircut (which BM wouldn't have done), so DH took care of it.
You can't keep him from doing what he wants to do, and if he wants to comply, he will.
That's what my DH does. He
That's what my DH does. He does the things that he feels are important to him and ignores most of the others.
He's also told BM that he's happy to provide extras for his children and do things for them, but he can't stand it when she demands that he do it.
For example, every year, she sends DH a list of back to school items that she expects him to buy. She's even told him in the past that if he doesn't buy them, she'll go back and ask for more child support. I've told him to let her, because I'd much rather have the courts decide what he should pay than have to put up with constant demands for extra money from her.
DH likes to buy them shoes because BM buys them poor quality shoes (in his opinion), so we buy them shoes. Sometimes, DH likes to go overboard and I have to remind him that he's already paying for back to school clothes through his child support and that we have to buy clothes for our house, because the kids don't bring anything for their visitation weekends.
The most annoying thing for me is when MIL gets in on the act, asking DH when he's taking the kids back to school shopping. She apparently fails to realize that BM makes twice as much as DH and gets child support from him, so she shouldn't "need help" to cover the cost.
Good question DirtyDiane! I
Good question DirtyDiane! I doubt she would! That is my problem with the demanding/controlling/resentful BMs. They make every effort to withhold as much time as possible and then complain about how they do everything and want the dad to do whatever they say during their time. At least that is the experience we have with BM in our situation. We don't make plans during her time with SD and expect her to abide and she never would even if we tried that.
I agree with this comment
I agree with this comment also. As annoying/controlling as the BM can be the DH is allowing it. It took me a while to figure that out with my situation also. If he doesn't ignore her or put a stop to it she will continue the demands.
He is allowing BM to control
He is allowing BM to control what is happening in your home. Why is that?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If he does NOT do what she says, then the BM tells the kids what a shit father he is. And he does not want that.
Catch 22 for NCP. Either he does what BM says and upsets his wife, or does NOT do what BM says and his kids are PASed against him. Terrible situation to be in.
the BM will tell them not to
the BM will tell them not to make chicken for dinner because she is planning to serve chicken to them the next night. And you know what? OPs DH changed dinner plans
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh wow. That is crazy. What a crazy loon this BM is.
BM ain't the only crazy one!
BM ain't the only crazy one! Who changes what they're making for dinner because the ex says so?
The glasses thing may be
The glasses thing may be nothing more than mom's desire to share the parenting responsibilities which is reasonable. The same with the haircuts. Being a NCP shouldn't mean you are excused from the parenting stuff.
The GC SHOULD be presented as a heads up type thing(not a demand). "Hey, the kids have GCs that are about to expire." That way if you all are out and about, the kids could use the GCs instead of dad ending money.
I think being a "responsible"
I think being a "responsible" parent would be taking the kids right away to have their glasses adjusted/fixed when needed. And taking the kids when they NEED hair cuts and not purposely putting it off until dad can take them so BIO doesn't have to spend her money (AKA child support) on them or her gas money or time to take care of things that should be take care of right away for the children.
But wait... Do you have kids
But wait... Do you have kids and work full-time? lol I know myself and my husband both struggle to get everything done all the time. Often, working full-time and running a household and taking care of a child makes it a bit difficult to get to the haircuts or checkups at the dentist right when they're needed. Sometimes they get put off until one of us remembers. Hell, my cat needs to be fixed but it's been on a list of errands to run because we haven't had a chance. It's not easy.
NCP has it a lot easier, to be honest... and sometimes, it's nice to be able to defer things until the one who's got a lot less on their schedule because they're not taking care of a child full-time can do it.
Where I object to that is
Where I object to that is that in my case, BM (the custodial parent) loves to dictate how and when DH (the NCP) can see the children. When he called during the week he was "being intrusive". When he wanted to drive down to talk to one SS about emails from a teacher about recurring behavior problems, he was told that he would be violating the CO if he did that because he could not see the children on "her time" without her permission.
NCPs may have fewer errands to run, but see their children infrequently (often not by choice), so I'm not sure that's "having it easier". If a NCP only sees a child 4 days out of the month, should they really be expected to spend that time running errands for the custodial parent?
If the CP wants to unload some tasks, perhaps they should also be willing to give up some of their time with the children. If being a custodial parent is so overwhelming, maybe they should consider joint custody.
DH has told BM several times that he wants to discuss joint custody or him taking on more parenting time and every time, she has a huge fit and usually engages in a behind the scenes propaganda war by telling the kids "Dad is trying to take you away from me."
In my mind, since she's so intent on maintaining full custody, she needs to take on the responsibilities that come with that, including managing all the errands that come along with being a parent.
Yep.
Yep.
We're in the same boat, too.
We're in the same boat, too. BM makes twice what DH makes, but still can't make ends meet without his check. She used to demand that he give it to her early. Now we just have it sent automatically from the bank.
It's also a control issue for BM, too, though. She wants to control everything her children do and if she could, she would still like to control everything DH does, even on his time without the kids.
B I N G O!
B I N G O!
I understand you have a
I understand you have a different situation than I do and I'm happy that things aren't this difficult with my co-parenting, but I don't understand why it comes across as too overwhelming to get things done for the kids so the CP should just give up time to the NCP. I am a single parent, my ex is not (live-in girlfriend). I agreed to a minimum amount of child support for 2 kids as my ex is self-employed and the income is not steady. The courts awarded me $823 per month for 2 children and ex and I agreed to $400 per month. It's not like I'm getting rich off the child support. I pay $200.00 per month for tutoring (I have never asked him to pay half) and buy all school clothes, fill their lunch accounts, cook all dinners, keep a roof over their head, etc. by myself. Not to be difficult but, yes, ex can get his dang kid's hair cut if he needs it. That's one thing I don't mind asking him to do. I think both parents need to parent the children, and that includes doctor visits, teacher meetings, haircuts, etc.
I don't see any of the
I don't see any of the "errands" mentioned as a big deal. They are not errands. They are normal thing all parents do with their children.
"How do I get my husband to realize her motives with these things. Or am I just overthinking this?"
You are overthinking this. IMO you always seem jealous of BM for some reason. It seems to me that your DH and BM are co-parenting well. You are the only one that has a problem with any of it.
If I remember correctly you were complaining a few months ago b/c skid needed their hair cut and BM wanted to pick her up and take them herself during you DH's time. Your DH had no problem with it, but you did.
Another time you wanted your DH to get rid of anything BM had ever given him in the house. If I remember correctly it was things he has entire collections of and you wanted anything in the collection related to BM gone. DH didn't want them gone, but you did.
Justkeepstepping, I think
Justkeepstepping, I think it's more that BM is DEMANDING things and trying to exert control over OP's DH rather than simply saying, "Hey, Mr. 101, Skidly has a gift certificate that's about to expire. Would you be able to take Skidly to the bookstore this weekend?".
You know... ask instead of DEMAND.
Exactly... It's the "you do
Exactly... It's the "you do this or you hate your must just kids" BS.
And BS is what it is!! I see
And BS is what it is!! I see that as trying to PAS the skids.
Aniki, OP is pretty DEMANDING
Aniki,
OP is pretty DEMANDING herself. Looks like that is her DH's type...
JKS, that may be true. I'm
JKS, that may be true. I'm only saying that you catch more flies with honey (ASKING) than vinegar (DEMANDING).
She does not work. Her only
She does not work. Her only income is child support and her tax return ~ she gets lots of government help because she has tons of kids with multiple fathers.
We both work full time and I have child from another marriage. So yes, I am a custodial mother and I work full time. I don't expect or give my ex a "Honey Due List" for our child. I take care of things that need to be done when they need to be done.
You take care of all the
You take care of all the parenting stuff. BM shares the responsible.
Neither one of you are right or wrong.
Your ex is fine with you doing it all.
Your husband is fine with BM including him in the mundane parenting stuff.
Yes, this is definitely a
Yes, this is definitely a control thing. Your DH should shut this down ASAP. "We have a full schedule this weekend and won't have time to fit *whatever* in."
I agree. But, he doesn't like
I agree. But, he doesn't like to say "no" to her because she flat out tells him you don't love your kids if you don't. He just takes it from her. She uses him as a bunching bag if he doesn't do what she wants. She will say these mean nasty things about him and to him with the kids in the car even. So they hear "daddy doesn't care of love me" because he won't do what mommy asks. It's all sad. These poor kids.
Unfortunately, your DH is
Unfortunately, your DH is ALLOWING BM to emotionally blackmail him and use him as a punching bag. Sounds like she is also attempting to PAS the skids to get her way.
Your DH does NOT have to comply. Nor does he have to argue. Let BM blather on with her list of demands. Say "Okay" or "I see" and let it go. If some things can be accomplished during DH's weekend: fine. If not: there wasn't time.
DH should not try to argue with BM in front of the skids. It's what she wants so she can pull the "daddy doesn't looooove you" caca.
I think it totally depends on
I think it totally depends on both parents situations, how old the child is (are they in school or daycare?). Each situation is different. I think it also depends on if the other parent is asking or demanding, and how often they ask.. Every weekend? definitely not. Once in a while? sure.
If the kid is school-aged or day care, then I think it comes down to how much "free time" the kid has with each parent, as a percentage of total time with the kid while not sleeping/at school.
If BM is asking him to spend half his time running errands, when she only spends 10% of her time running errands for the kids, then is is a power play. If the kid has that much going on that she is spending half her time (while kids aren't in school/daycare), then it is more reasonable to ask BD do no more (but not demand he do it).
part of parenting is
part of parenting is "errands" such as dental appointments, shopping for clothing and such.
its not all disney dad with the father taking the skids somewhere fun and showering them with gifts and cash.
on the other hand bm may be trying to control the dh time with the children.
dh should see that his time with his own children is not all errands.
dh was really jerked about with visitation so he did not get to see the skids often. when the skids were infants dh was so happy to get the children that he even saw changing nappies as a wonderfully fun activity and not the horrid chore that it is.
if he had custody of the skids or was still married to bm hed see the task as truly unpleasant fact of life for parenthood.
Errands can totally be used
Errands can totally be used as a form of control and to acquire "indirect" CS.
BM is great at making things a crisis. It will be November and BM will tell DH that the boys don't have winter coats the weekend before the temperature is supposed to drop. She'll send YSS over without underwear because he doesn't have any more and forces DH to go buy more. She'll send the boys over with lists of school supplies they need by Monday - and never mention that they have had weeks to get materials.
Do I think DH shouldn't have to take the kids out to get things they need? No, but he pays nearly $1,000 a month in CS and buys every haircut, stitch of clothing, and school supply in addition to CS because it is always presented as an emergent need on SS weekends.
It's always DH unspoken responsibility to get the kids their needs while also paying CS and while also not getting any more time. The one time DH asked for a week with them (he only gets EOWE - no additional time in the summers), BM kept asking for him to keep them fewer and fewer days. Hell, DH will go to fundraisers with them and BM will pit the kids between her and GBM or SF, so DH doesn't even get to really interact with them when the only reason he went was to interact.
So, again, they can be used as a form of control and a way to save their own money. That's not always the case, but when it becomes a pattern, it's pretty clear that's the intent.
Offer to take over all
Offer to take over all haircuts and everything else custodial cant handle. They have a lot more time than non custodial.
No parent has can micro manage the other parents visitation time. Unless non custodial allows it. YES I am calling custodial parents time visitation.
Sounds like time for 50 50 equal split custody.
JMO