The next time they visit, your husband can cook for them and clean up after them.

Do not make them so comfortable. I did the same for years; then I began sitting out the cold cereal, cold sandwiches fixings the other two meals. They had to get their own bowls, and fix their own sandwiches; then I asked them to "please" clean up the kitchen after each meal. I didn't go into their bedrooms, until after they left. Next time ask your SD to wash the bedding and please take care of the nasty kid clean up. Seriously! Once you ask, the second requests get much easier. If your SD doesn't like it, she can get a motel room with a maid.

Now that my Skids and sgrandkids are grown; they come to visit DH anytime they wish; I DO NOT hostess them in any way, not even offering them a cold drink; this is DH's problem. If meal time comes about, we go out to eat. They don't stay over, because I don't even put the coffee on the night before, like I do for DH and I, without them.

I am civil, but I do not, and have not for years, been their slave/maid. Next visit, don't make them as comfortable, without saying a word or arguing with your DH. I keep my life going as if they weren't even coming. If I have something on schedule, I keep it on schedule, just as you did with Church. Good for you. Last but not least, don't lock yourself in your bedroom; this is your house. Have a talk with your SD, while your DH works on her car; let her know your boundaries and house rules in a civil conversation. I'm telling you this, because I made the mistake of being their slave/maid and wished I had not been so nice, because it didn't pay off.

Good Luck, it is not easy; but if you set boundaries, it gets easier. I, myself, do not like the visits either. I can do without them totally. You can set boundaries that make them more tolerable. Don't be a floor mat, like I let myself be for 30+ years and then have it blow up.

((((hugs))))

I much prefer SD and her family visiting my house than me going to theirs. DH shops and cooks, makes sure their beds have clean sheets, and puts clean towels in the guest bath. He's no housekeeper and his work isn't always neat and tidy, but it's clean. This has never been an issue for us. SD takes care of her kids. I go to work and SD and DH spend their time together. Everybody is happy. Gives me time and energy to do enjoy the grands -- and I do. The oldest and I usually spend one evening baking something he picks out from one of my cookbooks.

Used to be that DH would cook, then dramatically announce that he wasn't cleaning up. Ok, King of the Universe, so be it. I would put the food away and leave the dishes. If he wanted to use the kitchen the next day no choice but to clean up. We had a discussion about that exactly one time.

Roles reverse when my DD visits. That's the way it should be. Our chromosomes don't dictate the kind of work we do around our house.

Jam, Does DH clean, cook and entertain your family when they come over? If not, your DH is living by a double standard, and it is not right. DH should not expect you to be a maid and short-order cook. As Sammi suggested, if DH will not communicate to SD what the rules of the house are, you are going to have to do it. There is absolutely no reason why she could not have pulled the wet sheets off if the beds and washed them. If DH gets mad because you are not being the 'Suzy Homemaker' he is demanding you to be, let him know that from on you will be having the same expectations of him when your family visits.

I HAVE been through this in our marriage. When SD and her husband visited I served as an invisible cook, maid and scapegoat. SD never even lifted a finger to put her plate in the sink after a meal. When my family visited DH would escape to another room and stay there. I finally had to put a stop to it.

Jam, I could've wrote this too: "Oh, and my family loves my dh. My dh does help with cooking when my kids come over and also helps with cleaning. He loves visiting with my son & his family and he is always kind to my daughter. We have done a lot for my kids too. I actually think my dh is more comfortable around my kids than his own. I think he is afraid of his own kids. My kids appreciate everything we do and my dh's kids DO NOT appreciate anything we do."

My DH's kids don't appreciate anything we do for them either and it's getting old. Their visits to our home are rare, but always so uncomfortable for both of us. I always feel like I have to watch everything I do or say for fear of being judged by them in some way. It's not like that at all when my kids are over.

Same here...He is scared to death of HIS adult children, it is crazy.

Same here...He is scared to death of HIS adult children, it is crazy.

I understand your fury over this. That your DH is this clueless must be infuriating.

Take care of you.

Jam I have three grandskids- they are a little bit older than yours but not much. For all their lives my DH and I would take them for days out, take them away for weekends, have them stay here etc.
I enjoyed their company for the most part. However, six months ago I disengaged from DH's family. He took it badly, but it saved my sanity and sense of well being. Now I see the issue was not them but him. We are still working through this- I have not seen those kids or their mother for three months. They have not been to our home for more than six months. I never said I didn't want them to come here, but that if they did he would have to do the main caring. He stopped asking them.
It hasn't been easy- sometimes we barely spoke, but I stood my ground with the help of people on here. I deserved respect.
I think you have to work your own way through it, but make your plans well in advance of the next visit.
I had a plan for how I would manage the visits from DH's family but they never have come back!
Maybe one day they will, and how we will manage Christmas I don't know, but we will deal with it when we have to.
I think you have to put yourself first- every single day you have to remind yourself of the things you love and appreciate about yourself. This is difficult I know, when you have been conditioned to care for others. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was by a pastor who told me to start loving that person in the mirror. I started that journey to well-being all those years ago and have never stopped. It does not make you mean or selfish, if anything it makes you more aware of the problems other people are facing but accepting your own limitations. On an aircraft you are told that in an emergency you should put on your own oxygen first, then you can help others. Find your oxygen, without it you won't help anyone.

Yes, he should. When my grandskids were here before they were toilet trained I never changed a nappy. If, when they were toddlers and had accidents I would help them if DH wasn't around or couldn't, but otherwise he did all that toilet stuff for them. You certainly shouldn't be buying their night-time protection- I would expect the parents to supply these if they were staying with me. Make some simple changes, Jam, if you feel big ones are too much- but you do have to make some changes and stop being angry at yourself.