Sugar, This kind of betrayal would be a deal breaker for me too. You are taking the best route, in my opinion - finding out where you stand in the event of a divorce. Hope you find a solution which will be in your best interests. (((HUGS)))

Sugar that's one of the many reasons I'm freshly single....

Certain things you do not discuss with your child, you discuss it with your partner, like finances, mortgages, future plans etc..... cause no child will decide on my future, they have their own to worry about.

I'm still very very sad cause 14 years down the drain, but on the other side it feels like a major weight has been lifted from my shoulders, it's not easy but guess we will get through it

As others have said it is an act of betrayal. I totally empathize with you. Daddy's with enmeshment issues are "crazy makers". Things become so skewed and you start to question whats appropriate and whats not. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. If your future is discussed with anyone else but you that is enough to want to jump ship. Sounds like your relationship is too crowded. Good luck

Your DH should be discussing retirement plans, investments and finances with you and not his daughter, especially if he knows you and his daughter do not get along. Honestly, I cannot see that it would be any of her business. Does she mange his money? If not, none of her business. I don't discuss my finances with my parents and they don't discuss their finances with me. Unless his daughter is employed as his financial advisor, he should be discussing this with you, his wife. It is important couples communicate about their finances and retirement plans with each other. Is he retiring with his daughter? so why the bleep does she need to know about your household's personal finances? Point being - she does not need to know.

We all know the obvious: most couples retire together and plan their futures, which includes discussing their finances with one another or their financial advisor/investment firm/attorney and keeping each other in the loop. It is not normal for one spouse to go behind another spouse's back and discuss their marriage or finances with anyone unless the other spouse is consulted and it is 100% okay with the other spouse, especially if the other spouse is not fond of the person it is being discussed with. It is clearly disrespectful what he did.

I feel bad for you. If my DH did that to me, I would be talking to a good divorce attorney also. Not worth it. Sounds like his daughter is his mini-wife.

""Some people want support and validation for themselves, love the attention and possibly love playing the victim as well, so it's just addictive for them to go out and complain/discuss personal matters with no regard to the one who's privacy is being violated."

^^^This"

And no one is better prepared to give daddy the validation he wants, give him the ego boost he wants, than his adoring DD who wants insight into his household and marriage that she can use as leverage.

An SD who has a competitive relationship with her SM is not unbiased in her "advice" she gives her father. She wants ammunition and leverage. She wants upset and strife in the marriage (My OSD42 even asks her father now if we are "fighting" after she pulls some stupid stunt, because us fighting is her goal). Until DH pulls his head out of the sand and realizes this dynamic, he is giving his DD exactly what she wants at his wife's expense.

DH should be allowed to love his daughter but with BOUNDARIES around his marriage.

Curious Georgetta, I find it odd that you would take the time to make comments in a forum for Adult Stepchildren Issues if you are not a stepparent. Until you experience the treatment that the rest of us have at the hands of these so called "adult" stepchildren, you have no idea how it feels. There are certain things that are none of our stepchildren's business, and finances is the big one. Most of us here have stepchildren who would like nothing more to have us out of the way so they have free and clear access to Daddy's money.

The husband is supposed to be our most trusted friend and confidant. Our household business kept private.
If he took the liberty of exposing private marital issues and ensuing arguments with his adult daughters, then he has some serious apologizing to do.
The daughters want very much to see the demise of the marriage , how are they supposed to give advice on how to save it?

I feel sorry for you Sugar, because I know what that feels like. This spring, while I was borrowing DH's laptop, he forgot to close out of his mail. I accidentally stumbled upon some e-mails DH sent his daughter. I was shocked and livid that he was sharing details of an argument that happened a year ago, to get her opinion. I was mortified and it was actually something ugly that DH said to me. He wanted her feedback that it wasn't so bad what he said. Of course her reply to him was, "you did nothing wrong". HA! #1 He said it in anger, and #2 he said it to hurt me.....and that makes it wrong.
I called them out on it for what it really is. Gossip! The two of them were gossiping about me. I later read DH an article on this subject to refresh his memory on just how grievous the sin of gossip is, since his daughter indulges in it regularly.

After hearing this, he did see it for what it really is and no longer wants to participate in it, and he repented. We did get past this through our study and pursuit of having a marriage with God as the center. Not anyone else. He can take his laments to God as our judge. His daughter is not.

I think one of the biggest mistakes non-steps (and even some steps) make judging the action of SMs, is they forget to take intent and circumstances into consideration.

Sure, off the cuff, a father speaking with his daughter about retirement finances doesn’t sound all that bad. But, what some are missing from this scenario is what is dad and daughter’s intent. The 2nd para. makes it clearer that the intent is not well here. Clearly SM feels something is being done behind her back, “dh has been confiding our marital problems” to someone outside the marriage, and it is not a therapist. Very few wives, step or not, would go for this.

Circumstantial evidence is defined as: pointing indirectly toward someone's guilt but not conclusively proving it. When it comes to issues with her DH or SKs, this is pretty much usually all SM has. And, even if SK comes right out and says, “I hate you,” or “I’m out to get you,” others will make excuses for SK’s behavior. This is one of the biggest issues with steps—it is rare to have solid evidence that proves you are being railroaded. It is far too easy for anyone to brush off these circumstances time after time and make excuses.

This is why I always say a SM has to go with or do what works for her, because even on a site titled, “Where Stepparents Come to Vent,” you’ll find posters more than happy to hone in on one comment in your post and to use that comment to make it look like you are the one with the problem. Gaslighting.

Even in the US judicial system you can convict someone based on overwhelming circumstantial evidence. I say if our legal system allows it, then SMs can do so as well. Because, after being told to suck it up and take it year after year after year, it usually does come down to the proverbial ‘last straw on the camel’s back’ that makes a SM finally see a much clearer picture, and to be able to move on from there, whether that be to leave, see a counselor, see a lawyer, or so on.

In addition to the harm that this causes the marriage, it is also harmful to the daughters. Research has shown that girls drawn into marital conflicts tend to show lower levels of personal maturity.

Mine shared marital problems with them initially too, until he realized his marriage was about to end-- because of it. All indications are that he stopped after my reaction, though they continue to probe, without a doubt. If I found out he was sharing info. again, this marriage would be over too. I refuse to live with a man burning me down to my enemies. Life is too short to live with a man who's loyalty lies with other women.

Oversharing with people things that only we as a couple should know. DH and I have had long talks about it.
I have tried to teach him that discretion is the better part of valor. He sees it as being secretive.

I would cringe every time the 401K topic came up and wondered why does he go there, because it sounds prideful. Then he would tell friends and relatives about our future plans. Recently he told a young couple about this car we put a downpayment on that is a year away from production. Personal finances is no one's business and it really does make people feel uncomfortable to even discuss.

DH has a problem with keeping his mouth shut. and it ends up embarrassing me. He has this competitive streak. I get really disappointed when he starts having loose lips because it shows he has a lack of control over his tongue. It's something he needs to work on.

SugarSpice: Do you remember 3 years ago when this exact same thing happened to me; I posted extensively here, because I needed everyone's support. The betrayal is when private issues are discussed behind your back and you find out how vicious it has become.

Bottom line: I immediately had Law Enforcement escort my DH to SD's house, I obtained a Court ordered Protective Order the same day, rekeyed the locks the next morning, and within two days had retained an attorney and obtained a Court ordered property possession order. DH could not contact me via third party or in any way. He had to be escorted to our home to obtain his tooth brush and a change of clothes, via Law Enforcement. He could take absolutely nothing, but his personal need items. Neither order could be lifted until we had a hearing with the Judge and at that time it was my decision. You have to have good reason for these orders; DH had history to substantiate the orders.

My Purpose: Let DH and SD have all the time (24/7) together they wished. I handed SD her father and obtained peace and quiet for myself. Let me tell you it opened their eyes. My DH threatened me with divorce and I told him to bring on the papers, I would sign them. After 35 years of marriage and a financial statement presented to DH's attorney; DH decided living with his DD, and what it would cost him to split the property, was not worth it all.

Results: Our marriage is totally different. It is not a loving marriage like it was. There was 15 years of betrayal that I discovered had been going on between DH and SD. I took the steps to flush my house out and get rid of all the toxic people in my life. My DH is a different person, I no longer engage with my SD and her immediate family. Neither DH nor SD and family have any doubt where they stand. If I have to do this again, it will be the last time. I gave my DH a second chance and that is ALL he gets. He knows that. I also know they text and talk, but if I get wind of any of it, it's over. DH is trying to fix what he broke, it will never be the same for us.

Suggestion: Take care of yourself. Take control of the situation strongly and stand your ground.

The pain betrayal brings is beyond repair, I am very sorry for what you are going through. Keep us posted.

(((hugs)))

What hurts most is when the person who is supposed to
Have OUR back, goes BEHIND our back. Really erodes any trust.
I believe that often what happens in these situations is that the spouse when caught MINIMIZES the impact on you. Essentially invalidating your feelings.
What do I need when I feel spouse does this? Simple acknowledgment and apology. And the continued denial only further alienates you.
In my case dh now is on Day 4 with his kids, who are estranged from me for years.
What does he do? Continues to text me daily that WE should all get together. To me that signifies that MY feelings regarding them mean not a whit to him.
I do think that stopping information sharing is next to impossible. Because there is no oversight police and these guys are enmeshed to begin with. It is however the first step to alienating your spouse and I
Am way there already.

Oh those daaaadddddeeee voices. When I first met him I thought, 'what a strange way to talk to your kids,' and all that 'love you bye bye stuff that he ALWAYS has to say? Meaningless.
It was a real revelation to me that I found others had to put up with this!

I did a bad thing last night and sneaked a peek at OSDs facebook page (I blocked her ages ago, after discussing her posts with DH I said I might de-friend her, but he said that wouldn't be a good idea!) I don't do it often, but I maybe was a bit bored and I knew there would be a back to school pic of the grandskids on there. There was. Anyways there was also a few messages between DH and OSD about what a fantastic daddeee he is, and how he loves to hear her saying that!
My word I won't be back on there for a while- it was vomit inducing!
I'm not aware that they know I've blocked her, but I'm sure it wasn't done for my benefit- even if it was it had no effect. Not my circus and all that...

When I first disengaged, eight years ago, I would sneak a peak at my DH's texts. It would make me so infuriated that it always ruined my days for a week. Then I woke up one day and realized I don't care any longer what they do.

For years, I haven't asked, looked, listened, or even thought about his texts, calls, or his visits, when they stop by. Now that I look back he left those texts for me to see; now I don't know what he does, because I don't even think about looking. DH leaves his phone lying around and I know he thinks I look; but I have no concern if my SD56 even exist, and know if I look, it will only be a big failure in my disengagement.

The past year, I've noticed a change in DH concerning this; he never mentions SD or her family, therefore, he knows I don't look or care about his private life with his kids.

Skids stop maybe 4 times a year to visit DH; I can't even remember their conversation the next day. I totally don't listen, and I sit in the same room. I detest my SD stopping by, but I am civil and look straight thru her

If "disengagement" means ignoring the problem, then I'm sorry I can't do that.

My SD37 is like a poisonous gas that was leaking into our home, and poisoning the occupants, little by little. The only way to defend it is to take a proactive role in educating ourselves and plugging the obvious gaping avenues. We even moved from our home.

With every text message it was like her barging right in our front door without knocking. She used to do that in person and by phone. I put a stop to both of those. We now live out in the country, so no more drop ins. DH now has a landline so no more ping-ping of the cell phone into our peace and quiet. I am so much relaxed now that those two methods of invasion have been blocked. Her intrusions were not healthy for our marriage. I didn't feel safe in my own home.

I did get to see from her texts (before they were turned off) and e-mails just what I suspected all along. She is not a friend of our marriage and is actually trying to cause problems. She complains, is bad tempered, and I have observed her telling lies in her text messages. Even DH doesn't know the level to which I am now wise to her, because he doesn't know what all I saw in both her texts and her e-mails.

I have actually heard a sermon about this advising married couples to have a shared account and passwords because there shouldn't be any secrets between them. It may just force SD to clean up her act and behave appropriately if she thought her nasty conversations might be discovered.

We still have our own account that we had before we got married and one shared account, but they are not password protected from each other. I don't read his e-mail other than the time he left it open, but it kind of puts an end to the gossiping knowing that I could if I wanted to read whatever I want to, and vice versa.

I only let him know what I want him to know and/or repeat. This is the way I protect myself; I doubt I will ever trust him not to run me down to his entitled if I make him angry enough. So, I learned long ago to trust him with only positive information; nothing juicy to repeat-to those he is soooo eager to please and who want to hear only negatives about me, my family. I get that he gets brownie points when he talks about me to them, therefore, I am guarded, and will likely always be.... If I find out he is doing it, this marriage is over.

These SDs are like wiley coyotes, howling at our doors when we've experienced a rough patch in our marriage. Thirsty for blood.

I believe DH knows what my expectations are, but in the event he does slip up, and he is human so it's possible, my solution is to call on our counselors, the couple that has helped us through a couple of other rough patches. My DH knows that if we hit another crisis, that is who I will call. The doctor (the counselor) not the undertaker (the lawyer).

My DH made the mistake of giving out keys to our last house. He never got it back from the SD. Worthless key now, the new owners rekeyed.

Our new house is a 'smart house' where we can give temporary virtual keys to an HVAC person, for example, while we are out of town, from a distance as needed. I can monitor on my cellphone who and when someone comes in, and leaves.

I made it clear to DH in no uncertain terms, that no relatives need to have access to our house, and no one will be living here while we are away. State of the art security system. Peace at last.
If he does have the nerve to go behind my back and try to give out a virtual key to our house, I will know it right away on my cell phone monitor. He knows where I stand on that, and he doesn't know how to program it. He would have to use my cellphone to do it. Not going to happen.