need some serious advice
Help need some advise, i know DH and I will get into tonight and tomorrow as sd wants to come spend the night with us on Friday. I say no more overnight visits We have not seen sd in 10 weeks. did not even hear from her for 7 weeks before she finally texted after prompting from distant relatives! We stopped schedule sometime in April after sd continually would have excuses of why she couldnt come last minute sick homework insert excuse of the day. If she did come and actually made it through the night or mind you came back after an errand or work (she would take off her moms then text sorry not coming back)always a last minute cancellation and it was disruptive to our entire family. plan dinner run to store after work, opps sorry she is not coming, change plans nope she is not coming, In past 9 months she slept here 5x. Now she wants to come and I say no, but my DH feels we should give another chance and should not go to her level. I say hold breath for 3 months til she is 18, come visit, call, text all things that havent happened for 7 weeks!! sure i can do that but dont plan on spending the night am i unreasonable? We have 2 other small children who I've had to shield from her drama but can see that it has effected them negatively why doesnt she come? does she love us? is she mad at me? what did we do wrong and then there is DH who just started therapy a month ago due to anger and depression. why? he continually is rejected by his own daughter. I want to scream i am the one that picks up all the pieces every time she graces us with her presence since it always turns into a drama filled event !! DH will avoid confrontation with her i get it how do you tell her no more overnights other then to say it how it is. Help how do i handle it with DH. I know he is hurt, angry this is years of living the parent alienation rerun but this is our life and feel we need to change the channel
Can you take your 2 small
Can you take your 2 small children out Friday evening? Arrange for a play date and dinner at McDonald's (or another kid-friendly place). Let your DH be responsible for all things SD on Friday. If she shows up, DH can take her out or cook her dinner and entertain her until you and the little ones get home.
My husband told his daughter
My husband told his daughter (16) she wasn't allowed over here anymore until she grew up. Yeah, it stinks, because I wonder how my parents dealt with my attitude (which was nothing compared to my SD) as they didn't have anywhere to send me.....but when there is one disruptive, abusive person in the house wrecking the dynamic (who, by the way, is old enough to know better) I think you are more than entitled. Your SD sounds just like mine......and it seems, too, that she wants to run the show. You didn't do anything wrong, and I got to the point where I stopped caring. I beat myself up way too many times, being bulldozed by this bully in miniature form, and after being told to f*%$ off, I am done ..... done picking up the pieces, done placating, done walking on eggshells because her moods manipulate me, done with everything. Tell her how it is ! I came to the realization my SD no more cares about hurting her dad (or me, for that matter) than the man in the moon. Selfishness of a teenager + a healthy dose of parent alienation by her psycho mom = complete lack of empathy for you/me/our husbands.
They don't have to be
They don't have to be teenagers. They can be 20-somethings. I've reached the point where the SDs are dead to me. I'm past done with them and their (and their skanky mother's) BS.
And isn't it a crock?? WE are not their parents. *I* have NEVER tried to be a parent to the skids. I am DH's wife. I merely tried to be myself: a nice person who enjoys doing things for people. Cook dinner, fetch things for my DH because he's tired, bake homemade goodies for DH and the skids... And that's not good enough. But if I ever TRIED to parent, you can bet that BioHo would have gotten her knickers in a right twist!!
ME TOO!!!! Yes, I am just a
ME TOO!!!! Yes, I am just a genuinely nice person who wants to make people happy, help my husband, take care of our house, etc. - and BM and SD are such bullies they mistake kindness for weakness and I am done being SD's doormat.
OK, there are a few ideas for
OK, there are a few ideas for you. Say NO dh I think you are better off going to SDs town, staying over there for 1night or two. Don't you think Spending one on one time is something YOU want?
OR two,
YOU take the kids and go to your moms/or hotel for the weekend.
OR three OP: pull out the feminist BM tools
It can be used for wicked sm's too.
Oh, Darling Husband. it will be too hard on our small children,,,all this in and out, in and out of their lives will just confuse them again. They finally are back on track. IF she brings a suitcase they will think she is here to stay. Then she will leave.... They will be so sad when she goes again. I don't think they can deal with this.
The pooooor childddren don't know she is their sister, not really. They don't have a relationship.... Our neighbors see the chillldren more than their own sister wants to. They think she doesn't love them. You know I am confused about why She is an absentee sister. THEY need to know they can count on her. IT is about the little ones best interest. The chilllldrrrreeennnnn will be so confused and worried. I think an re-introduction of her with the children would be best. NO , nooo defiantly no over nights they might be traumatized and cry.
Say, 1 hour at playground then Frizzie Freeze for icecream.. Then the same thing in two weeks 2x a month for 6months or maybe 1 year. You can supervise it and see how they interact with her.... SHE doesn't have a relationship with them. I always said she could see them anytime she wants. I JUST DONT UNDERSTANDDDDDDD.
Then cry.
"why doesnt she come? does
"why doesnt she come? does she love us? is she mad at me? what did we do wrong?"
If SD is this unreliable, there's no reason to let the littles know when she is expected. If she doesn't show, they'll be none the wiser.
Fix a nice family meal, and if she shows, she shows, if not, oh well, enjoy a nice family meal with the kids that love you.
Simply stop telling the
Simply stop telling the smaller ones she's visiting, then there's no disappointment.
Stop changing your life cause she might come over... you simply go on with life, whether she's there or not, her relationship with her Dad is their business, if she shuns him, it's on Dh and SD, nothing to do with you, stay out of it.
Prepare meals like you normally would, buy nothing special... if she shows great if not so be it, you did not get out of your way rolling out the red carpet.
Set boundaries and let your
Set boundaries and let your SD know what they are, straight out. Tell her "no drama in our home, or you do not come here". If you don't want her to spend the night, tell her. Leave your DH out of it, until he needs to know. This is what I did with my grown SD and her family.
If SD cries to Daddeeee.....be straight up. Tell your DH, "Yes I told her no drama, and from now on these are the boundaries in our home". When DH asked me about it; I also told DH, "If SD comes into our home and causes drama, I am showing her the door; if you don't like it, exit with her". It works.
I also programmed the Police (keep the peace) phone number on my speed dial. I will carry thru.