Feeling like a total ass...

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For those of you that have been following you will know the struggles we have had with BM, for others here is a recap;

Havent seen SD in just about 2 months, BM was keeping her from us for various reasons. I was harassing her, she felt threatened by us and feared for her safety and so on and on.

First court date was yesterday and judge granted original custody for the interim, which BM tried to oppose but the judge wasn't having. She brought up alleged drug use and physical abuse on FDH's part. Judge wasnt buying it.

We are obviously ecstatic that we finally get to see her and that BM cant bully us and have her way. However, FDH, myself and my 2 DS had plans for this upcoming long weekend and FDH even said that whatever happens in court we will still go. It is the last weekend of the summer and before school for the kids. SD wouldn't be able to come as we dont get her the entire weekend, only Friday night until Sat afternoon.

FDH tells me last night that we are no longer going on this trip as he doesn't want to miss out on his Friday with her... which i totally get. BUT we had these plans and just had a convo the other about this and everything was a go. Might i add, this decision was made by his parents and himself and i was not included. He said how his parents immediately said they will not go either and wished i would have the same reaction.

I'm feeling a little pushed to the side and feel for my boys that are missing out on this weekend now. I told him this and also said that i dont want to feel like i'm in any way coming second or for my boys to feel like they are second. He fired back and told me how could i be jealous of a 3 year old and i tried explaining thats not what it was. He also has a tendency to shower SD with attention and forget completely about the boys and I while she is around and this is only going to become more of a problem now.

Today im feeling like a total ass and that i shouldn't have even said anything about how im feeling. Am i justified at all in my feelings or did i react selfishly?

Where is the father of your

Where is the father of your boys? Is he out of the picture?

Your DH hasn't seen his daughter in 2 months. IMHO, it's natural that he wants to spend the weekend focused on her. Can you plan activities for you and your boys?

Their father passed away...

Their father passed away... it'll be 2 years Aug 31.

I know its alot of pressure on him and i even told him that i could let him have time with just him and his daughter but he wants us all to do something as a family on Friday and Sat morning. Im just feeling pushed aside even though i know we havnt seen her in a while. Why am i feeling this way... i feel ridiculous.

You feel this way because he

You feel this way because he told you that no matter what happened in court, you were going ahead with your plans. Now, he is backing out.

I'm so sorry. My apologies

I'm so sorry. My apologies if this sounds harsh, but you cannot always expect him to fill in for their father. If you two were not married, they would not have him as a father figure. What about a Big Brother program for your boys? That would guarantee them some adult male, much needed attention.

Agree to do ONE thing as a family this weekend, but push for him to have one-on-one time with his daughter.

So nobody gets to enjoy the

So nobody gets to enjoy the trip because he wants to stay home with his DD?

Is there any reason you can`t still go with the boys?

Can you and your boys go

Can you and your boys go ahead with your weekend plans? Or, can you go Sat. afternoon, after SD is back with BM?

There is no reason for him to ignore you and your sons when he has his daughter. If he can't balance these relationships, perhaps he shouldn't be in one.

My boys and i could still go

My boys and i could still go but FDH has made it clear he doesn't want that happening. He wants us to all be together atleast for fri eve and sat morn. And then the rest of the weekend is shot sitting around doing nothing.

I'm contemplating going but fear it would cause even more friction right now. He thinks I'm the wickedest SM for feeling this way and being upset about not going away on the weekend.

He tried reverse psychology on me and did the... what if it were your boys.

Seriously, if everything is

Seriously, if everything is going to center around his daughter and her nutty BM, he should stay single right now.

He should not have told you that the plans you made were going to happen regardless of court. He should not expect you and your boys to stay home, because he has decided to. Yes, relationships are about compromise and give and take but does he expect you to always do the compromising because of his situation?

And it's not just you, should your boys always miss out because he changes plans because of his daughter?

He is the one being selfish. He wants to see his daughter, I understand that, but he should not expect you to stay behind, also. He can use this time for one on one with his daughter (after not seeing her for so long) and you and your boys can go ahead with your plans. I really don't see anything wrong with that.

He should have stuck to his commitment but since he isn't doing that, he should at least tell you to go ahead and have a good time with your sons, if that's what you want to do. Instead of putting a guilt trip on you and saying you are jealous and wicked.

"My boys and i could still go

"My boys and i could still go but FDH has made it clear he doesn't want that happening."

People in hell want ice water.

Take your boys and go enjoy the last weekend of the summer.

I'm dad and his parents will enjoy the time with just SD without your boys. Just as you will enjoy the time with your sons without SD. There's nothing wrong with each of you having quality time with your bios.

Plan to a have fun family weekend for the next time he has SD.

I 'get' this one on your DH's

I 'get' this one on your DH's part. It's been fighting for this chance. But why cancel the whole weekend? SD needs to be back with BM at noon on Saturday. Still leaves you all taking off at noon and enjoying a get-away through Monday evening. The group outing is only facing one evening and a half of day.

I'd take my kids and go without him as your boys and you are looking forward to the already scheduled outing. If those plans need to change some due to being only you and the 2 boys, ok, change it up a bit, but still go.

My personal opinion is Dh needs to talk to his parents and try to still do something with the grandparents, him , you and your boys for the majority of the weekend as there is no need to cancel the entire trip, perhaps just alter the plan. Either way, you and the boys still go do something even for a couple days.

I'm sure both Dad and his parents are really excited about finally seeing the little girl. I hope BM releases the girl and things go smoothly for her pick-up. But yeah, the rest of the weekend starting Saturday at her drop off should continue.

Maybe suggest that DH and SD

Maybe suggest that DH and SD have alone time this weekend and you take your sons on mini vaca.
Make it about THEM having quality time together.

It may help you if you view

It may help you if you view your situation as 2 families, his and yours, instead of one. It sounds like there is very little blending when sd3 is involved. He obviously cares for your sons but he will always care for his bio daughter more and will always put her interests first ahead of your sons. For the next 15 yrs there will be a struggle between him and BM over sd3 and FDH will forever try to compensate for that until 18 yrs and beyond. Your sons will always be on the back burner to her and be expected to terminate whatever plans they have in order to accomodate hers. Do you really want your sons to be last on the list? If you allow FDH to dictate his priorities that is exactly what is going to happen.

If I were in this situation (and I have been in similar ones) I would go ahead w/the weekend plans w/my sons and wish FDH a great visit w/his daughter. He can stamp his feet all he wants because he wants everyone to *blend* and do what's best for HIS child. Yours sons already lost their father, should they lose priority in their mothers life too?

Even though you have a man in your life you're still going to have to be *Mom and Dad* to your boys. I just don't see FDH fully stepping up to be the father that you want him to be.

I think you can respond that

I think you can respond that it's not that you are jealous of a 3 yo but that you and your boys are disappointed about missing out on plans that had been made a long time ago and were eagerly anticipated.

You can tell him that you completely understand his happiness at being able to spend time with his daughter but that he should be able to have some empathy for the fact that at a moment's notice his plans with his daughter trumped everyone else's.

Now, this is not necessarily a situation where the 3yo "always comes first" but in this case, I can see how this is potentially a higher priority for him given the trials and tribulations getting to this point.

That being said, I can see how you would be well within your rights to say this"

"Honey, I am really happy that you are getting the opportunity to spend some time with your daughter. I apologize if you felt that my disappointment in missing out on our plans made your think I was jealous. I am not jealous, but the boys and I were disappointed to find our plans canceled at the last minute. I think that the way we can handle it is that the boys and I will go on a little trip this weekend so we are out of your hair and you can really bond and spend time with your daughter."

Never mind what he

Never mind what he promised... that was BEFORE he actually won in court and now gets to see his daughter.

And it's very understandable. He hasn't seen her in 2 months, has been fighting to see her for 2 months.

However, he should not expect you and your sons to miss out on something.

If you want to stay home, that's one thing. But if you want to still go on the trip, even without him, then go.

Why is it so important that you have to stay at home? Can he not handle his daughter alone? Even though he wants to see his daughter maybe he's a little "jealous" that he'll be missing out on a fun trip?

That's why i feel like my

That's why i feel like my feelings are unjust. Its been 2 months!

I know he was looking forward to this trip. I do think it will be hard on him... he hasn't had to care for a child in 2 months and now we will have her and she will fight on a lot of a stuff as she has no structure with BM. I was the one usually enforcing our rules in the home, rules for my boys are the same for her. I don't know that i want to jump into that role right away though and have her "hating" on me again.

Then I would most defintely

Then I would most defintely go on the trip. She's your DH's kid. He needs to spend time with her. It's not like you made plans AFTER he found out he was going to have her. You guys ALREADY had plans. I'm sure your boys are really looking forward to those plans. Therefore I would go as usual and he can enjoy his time with his daughter.

He needs to quit being selfish and not make you feel bad for going. He probably is just anxious about dealing with his daughter alone and that is why he wants you to stay home.

He and his parents decided

He and his parents decided what YOU should be feeling. "They wish you would have the same reaction" as theirs. Yeah, and let's all hold hands and sing kumbya. That's just foolish. Nobody gets to decide how anybody else feels.

You support your DH in his role as parent. And you're doing that. You and the boys can get out of their hair while they spend some much needed time together.

That means they were talking

That means they were talking about you behind your back.

Personally I would stay home

Personally I would stay home and get reacquainted with sd and then plan some fun things to do after she goes home so that everyone wins and enjoys the weekend. You don't want there to be a divide in your family or start back with hurt feelings. Dh isn't going because he gets to see his dd for the first time in 2 months, you KNOW you would do the same. So stay united and compromise.

If I were to compromise, I

If I were to compromise, I might suggest just delaying leaving for their trip and just leave saturday AM and come home monday PM.

Otherwise, I really think it might be better if the child has alone time with her dad.. there may be some latent issues due to the PAS towards the SM it might be less pressured with her and her boys off having fun elsewhere.

But then he cuts his

But then he cuts his visitation short with his dd he hasn't seen in 2 months. That would look really bad on him and it would be. They could wait till he goes home and then go.

I am suggesting that OP stay

I am suggesting that OP stay with her boys and not leave with them (the boys only) until saturday morning. That way, she can be there for the grand entrance and welcome dinner then she and the boys can skedaddle off to have their vacation.. even if it is a bit shortened.

(I was assuming they were leaving Friday.. so this would cut off a day)

I will suggest this! I'm

I will suggest this!

I'm also very apprehensive as i know BM has been feeding this little girl bs and tainting her little mind. It will be interesting to see how she is with me...

dont feel bad. i was

dont feel bad. i was sticking up for dh when one of his children mistreated him. dh ended up defending the skid.

i learned i will no longer defend dh when his children walk all over him.

KEEP YOUR INLAWS out of your

KEEP YOUR INLAWS out of your marriage.

Now for sure I would pack my sh** and go away for the weekend. Maybe Granny can come over and help dh.

Ma'am. you are in for a ton of problems especially since he has involved his mommy in private marital issues.