These b*&ches are so unbelievable
On the weekend DH & I were at FIL's for dinner. While there, FIL mentions to us that OSD is holding the Christening for YSGD next month. DH responds by saying "here we go, here we go"
Now, I guess I'm just stupid as I never do catch on to this nonsense, until too late, but I dumbly ask DH later/privately, what did he mean by that
DH says "you know Disillusioned, that there is always nonsense at these family get togethers"
I DO know that whenever there is a family get together (that involves OSD and SIL) that yes, there is nonsense, but, I figure it's all infantile behavior from a couple of jealously insecure women with the minds of a pre-teen girls at best, so it doesn't ruffle me much
However, tonight we get a phone call from YSD. Big surprise as like OSD, DH calls and texts her repeatedly just to be ignored. Guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the timing of her call, nor the content of the discussion
So, while she is all nicey nicey as sweet as she can be to both of us, she brings up that she won't be staying with us when she's home next month, and, she starts with the "we're just going to celebrate Poppa's birthday after the Christening" thing, all on the same day yada yada
DH starts to get uncomfortable and hesitating, and then the light bulb goes off in my head
Ah ha, I see, so, once again OSD, SIL, BM and sadly YSD too are starting up once again. 'Let's have everyone at the Church for the baby's Christening, then we all go to OSD's place, and then, everyone but FAMILY leaves - and we all stay and celebrate Poppa's birthday together (which translates: "lets have a family dinner with DH's side of the family, AND BM of course)
DH has made it abundantly clear in the past that he is not comfortable having his EX at his family's get together's, he finds it disrespectful to him, and even more so to me, his wife
These bitches simply do not stop, they never give up. So pathetic.
To DH's credit, he caught on to it and suggested he didn't think it was a great idea to hold both events all on one day, why not FIL's birthday dinner one night and the Christening on another, but it's maddening that his infantile sister and daughters not to mention EX cannot just give this shit up
They know, with zero doubt at this point, that DH doesn't like it and has specifically requested that they stop inviting BM to his family events.
We get the Christening thing of course. We will sit a million rows back while BM runs to the front of the Church for the whole ceremony, just like the last time. We have no problem at all with both DH and BM being there, it is for their grandchild and we totally think that's 100% appropriate (well maybe not her making the mad dash to the front of the Church claiming her rightful spot upfront and the big drama about it all LOL) but otherwise of course they should both be there, but, coming to FIL's birthday dinner when it only involves FIL's family - no, not appropriate. BM is FIL's EX-daughter-in-law, and he could give a Rats ass about whether she is there or not.
More importantly, DH who is her EX (whose family it is after all) does not want her there.
You would think, she would grow some self-esteem by now and stop forcing herself into DH's presence when he absolutely has zero interest in her being there.
And you would think his sister and daughters would grow up and give this up too, but clearly they won't.
DH was scrambling but, in my mind, it's so easy to handle.
We go to the Christening. We then go back to the party at OSD's place. We are polite to BM but that's it. And then, when everyone leaves and the birthday dinner for FIL begins (and it's clear that BM is not only invited but plans to sit down to the family dinner) DH & I politely and with total class say it's time we headed home, and wish everyone a great night. And we leave.
End of story.
Wish FIL a happy birthday, and we leave
And every, single, time, DH's daughters and sister and EX pull this - we leave
Sad for FIL because more than anything he wants his son there. And I believe he prefers me to BM as well, not that it really matters, but when FIL says how sad that his son and daughter-in-law didn't stay for his birthday dinner, well then it's DH's opportunity to state that he will not tolerate the open disrespect of him, and of his wife, any longer
I'm sure that will give them (the bitches) some satisfaction, clearly we weren't comfortable or we wouldn't have left, but in the end, they miss out on DH's presence which I know for a fact they miss...even just missing the opportunity to stick it to him all night by rubbing BM in our faces
I think at the end of the night, I'm most disappointed in YSD
I've always excused her part in these things as peer pressure, or being naive, but I'm starting to see that she is 100% a part of all this crap, and fully participating in it
An eye opener, but, guess I should be grateful I'm seeing her for what she is too
How is it that these SDs
How is it that these SDs think they are looking so innocent?
Last month my OSD and YSD took BM to visit DH's family. DH was not there; we live far away. OSD commemorates the activity by posting it to Facebook. Entitles it "love being with family!" Her mother with her father's family?? DH, rightfully so, thought he was being disrespected. OSD said she didn't see what the problem was. She said still needed counseling because he defended his wife. This situation wasn't helping. Laying the guilt trip on really thick. She' s 42 years old - come on! (DH - God love him - told OSD that if she needed counseling for something like that, she had more problems than what he thought she did.) A few days later YSD calls trying to feel him out . Said she also didn't understand the problem (and she is divorced herself). But DH held firm. Said it was a matter of respect for him.
I mean, really? What would have happened if they took DH to his mother's families house, took lots of pictures and posted them on Facebook? "Fun with the family" BM would have blown a GASKET, and it would not have been questioned why. But nice guy daddy is supposed to take it.
And as with you, I get along better with my YSD, but she does help her sister with the planning. Reports back to OSD what I am doing. I make sure she only hears positives.
No doubt this is orchestrated. And no doubt your DH won't get the time of day the rest of the time they are there. It's a shame FIL is not able to be able to have his son and his wife there at the same, but hopefully you can have your own birthday celebration with him. Maybe you will be surprised and BM will leave early....NAH!
It's great that your DH recognizes this crap for what it is. Mine is getting there. I have learned the value of saying....nothing. Then he can see things for himself.
That's a good question
That's a good question Sacrificial, I don't get it either
My SD's and SIL will go out of their way to plan a family event, one that just involves DH's family - like DH's birthday last year - and have it follow an event involving something to do with the SGKID's for example, so NATURALLY BM will just come along for DH's family event as well
And they know how DH feels about it, yet they persist
Either they're deliberately disrespecting us and stirring the pot, or they feel that BM is part of the family still and has as much - even more - right to be there than me
Most likely a combination of both!
I'm glad my DH is getting it though for the most part, I hope your DH works on it too
I think the non-confrontational but nevertheless straight-forward approach should solve it, but my DH is too apprehensive about ticking off the witches...the SD's might withhold the SGKID's (as OSD has already done on occasion to both DH, and BM)
I think at this point DH is just as much apprehensive about my reaction (disengagement including from him) LOL, so that may be why he is stepping up about it more
Either way, we have agreed that if we learn that BM will be around for the dinner portion/for FIL's birthday, DH & I won't go. Or, if we get there and are 'surprised' with BM's presence, we will very politely get up and leave
The SD's and SIL can continue to invite BM all they like, but we don't have to participate in the nonsense!
its sad when dh cant defend
its sad when dh cant defend you. he is so terrifed of what his daughters might say.
he needs to grow a pair.
I see same old' same old'.
I see same old' same old'. I'm surprised these ladies have not as yet developed any sense on how hard these very busy long day events are for their elderly grandfather/father. Even if BM and her DH (I assume he's staying for birthday dinner too?) had enough manners to politely excuse herself and leave at the conclusion for the christening celebration, it still makes so much all at once for FIL. Too long of day, too much food all at once and just a blur of multiple occasions smashed in taking away from the individual importance of each.
So will you and DH be taking FIL out for his birthday later in the week (or go get him and bring him to your home for dinner)? DH needs to be able to celebrate with his father, for one, never knowing how many birthdays are left.
I wouldn't give too much energy on dwelling on the actions of the SD/SIL , it's nothing new.
My DH's in laws are pretty
My DH's in laws are pretty much the same- only once they organised a party for the grandskids to which we were all invited. I went along with DH, we had a good enough time and came home. I felt we should go because previously DH got 'second pickings' ie the party was held at BM's house and he only got to see them another time- which infuriated me, because he just put up with it.
Although I thought the thing had gone quite amicably after the party OSD rang DH to say how upset she was that everyone had been miserable and she had hated every minute and she would never do it again!
Some people just live in a parallel universe I'm afraid- I refer to this gaggle of women as the coven- there are five of them in it and if there is no drama around they will create one from nothing. I find it very sad but the grandskids have picked up on this and are now joining in. I can't bear it- I stay well away. Now, I'm in Fairyland and it's very peaceful here...
mmm why not suggest the
mmm why not suggest the following to DH }:)
'Let's have everyone at the Church for the baby's Christening, then we all go to OSD's place, and then, everyone but FAMILY leaves - and we all stay and celebrate Poppa's birthday
play it cool, let them think they won... do the Christening, but instead of joining them after wards for Poppa's celebration, leave with the other people not family... why cause the night before the Christening you and DH take FIL and MIL out for dinner .... or 2 nights before.... and then have his early celebration and simply state you decided not to hang with BM any more... I'm sure they will understand
Good for you and your DH for
Good for you and your DH for leaving an event when you are disrespected. My DH and I have left adult skid and in-law planned events because of the disrespect we receive from the adult skids and the busybody in-laws. We now hate even having to attend these things and try to find excuses not to.
Seems like a common theme amongst the adult skids to always throw that "our family" thing in everyone's face on social media and purposely exclude the stepparent. These adult skids just want their bio mommy and daddy back together and it's their warped way of doing that. God forbid they include the stepmother in a picture - Oh the Horror!
You are of course correct
You are of course correct twoviewpoints about the 'same old, same old' but it so surprises me at this point
I really thought DH & I had nicked this in the bud last year. We did all the not attending events, leaving early, etc.. etc... and yet SIL and SD's continued to insure BM was at many of these events, sometimes with her SO but also lots of times alone (especially at the ones OSD thought I wouldn't be around for)
The only thing that finally seemed to work, was when DH & I were noticeably less friendly and accommodating to BM. The last event we were all at together, at OSD's place, DH & I kept our distance from BM. We said hello, and good-bye, and that was pretty much it
BM pulled all the usual tricks, hovering near us trying to ease-drop on our conversations, always checking when she left or entered a room to see if DH was watching her (pleassse) always trying to catch DH's eye.
Or joining a group of people we would be talking to, in the hopes we would include her
Or the best, waiting for any moment I had left DH's side, to rush up and surround him along with SD's (and a very willing SIL) so they could all have one big happy family get together...and of course make it uncomfortable for me to be there/interrupt their "family" thing
None of BM's tactics works last time, we avoided her, outsmarted her, and gave her no opportunity to be around us at all - and after that last time, it all finally seemed to stop
We've had no issues with any of that for a nice long while, but, it would appear that SIL and SD's are back up to their games and trying to stir the pot again
Of course, they and BM will receive the same treatment from us - if it's an event that makes sense that both BM and DH are at, we will attend of course but avoid, outsmart and refuse to participate once again
And if BM is at an event that is just for DH's family, then we are not participating in that either, we'll leave
It will then be up to DH's family to decide if they want to keep this up.
If not only SD's but SIL and FIL prefer BM over DH & I, that's fine. Their choice
haha Acratopotes, yes I would
haha Acratopotes, yes I would love to do that...and we may well do exactly this!
Very well said
Very well said somethingwicked
I do agree with you 100% that if I were DH, I would address it directly.
DH's family is very confrontational, as DH can be, and I think DH feels if he takes the direct approach it will be confrontational
And I don't agree with him there...there is no reason I see that you can't calmly and politely state you're not comfortable being around your EX at your own family events :?
If my family ever invited my EX to one of our family events I would have no problem non-confrontationally asking them to please not ever do that again - that I felt it was disrespectful to me, and even more so to DH. But then again, my family has the common sense and human decency not to pull these games!
I have had a wonderful
I have had a wonderful relationship with my ex sister-in-law for the past 30 years. We are very close. My DH and I recently made a 3000 mile road trip that included visiting my ex SIL, her father and sister. I love her and her family and remain very close to them.
But I never once considered including her in events for my parents - although they also loved her very much and were close to her. When we had a 50 year anniversary party for my parents she and her family were not included.
Even though she was present with her child (my parents' only grandchild) when my mother died she left and did not stay for the funeral where her ex husband would be present.
Why can't people just use common sense when dealing with these issues?
I would not even bother to go
I would not even bother to go in the first place...... the stepdaughter will know why you have not turned up.... your partner should go if he wishes....there is no reason for him not to go........
I would not even bother to go
I would not even bother to go in the first place...... the stepdaughter will know why you have not turned up.... your partner should go if he wishes....there is no reason for him not to go........
I would not even bother to go
I would not even bother to go in the first place...... the stepdaughter will know why you have not turned up.... your partner should go if he wishes....there is no reason for him not to go........
IMHO Curious, I would never
IMHO Curious, I would never ever, invite one of my EX SIL's to a family event, even if I totally adored her
I especially would not do that, if my own brother had made it very clear to me that he was uncomfortable with is EX being at our family get together's.
If my brother and his wife left or didn't attend at all, every time I did that, then I guess I would back out of something that was none of my business, stop interfering with my brother and his wife's life, and stop stirring the pot
Just my opinion.
Common courtesy, respect and dignity for others
If I loved my brother's ex-wife so much (the same ex-wife I treated like garbage while she was married to my brother) I would see her, quietly on my own, and without creating a family drama
And I guess the other point I should add, is that OSD was not asked to host this event. DH wanted to host it - specifically to avoid the BM nonsense. And when he suggested it, he was told - not asked, not discussed with, not suggested to - but told, that OSD was hosting it (and of course inviting BM)
But the one point of your post that I do agree with, is that we have the right not to participate in the nonsense, and we most fully intend to do that - stay far away from it
Exactly TwoofUs! No one even
Exactly TwoofUs!
No one even asked OSD to host the event in the first place, she really has some nerve telling DH she will host the birthday event for DH's father - and then (along with SIL) invite BM to it
Just a bunch of jealous, insecure, pot-stirring women who can't get over that they're not the totally most loved, complete centre of DH's life
It's as simple as that
Curious - it's far more
Curious - it's far more arrogant to take it upon yourself to host something you were not asked, or encouraged to host- and then take it upon yourself on top of that to invite people you knowingly are aware will make others feel uncomfortable around and who really have no place at all at that event
If you take it upon yourself and force the point that you will host something for your grandfather, and you know that he does not want BM there specifically because she is your father's EX whom your father not to mention his wife would rather not be around, and will not attend (which will definitely not make your grandfather happy) why would you do that?
No one enjoys the event - except you and BM (and SIL of course) but the event was for your Grandfather who will only have a crappy time and end up sad because his own son, who is his favorite person on this planet, along with his wife, your Grandfather's daughter-in-law whom he also prefers over BM, won't be there specifically because you took it upon yourself to create this drama
Why on earth would someone do that, except for selfish evil reasons?
Second to Everyone - wow,
Second to Everyone - wow, that is exactly it. Couldn't have said it better myself! Thank you
That's especially
That's especially disrespectful of his sister. I can see how his daughters might work themselves up into a frenzy over including their mom in some family event (although, I totally agree that an event for someone in DH's family is not an event where BM is family). But his sister putting her brother's ex wife in front of her brother in terms of loyalty is poor form, to say the least. I think DH's brother invited BM to a couple of kid birthday parties in the early years of their divorce, but fortunately, she does not get invited to family gatherings anymore. If she did, I probably wouldn't go, I already don't feel super welcome at his family events. My MIL still talks to her all the time and encourages DH to send her mother's day presents (even though BM is totally abusive to him, is currently engaged in PA, and continues to try to extort money from him (she also "borrowed $5000 from MIL two years after the divorce, because she "needed it" and never paid it back, despite making a 6-figure salary, so you'd think MIL would learn, but no), but fortunately, MIL does not invite her to come to family events. I will say that it has made me hold DH's family at arms length because they still think BM is wonderful (even though she has put DH through the wringer and even though she talks s%it about all of them) and treat me as someone who can't be trusted (DH tells me they are "just being protective of my children", even though I'm really good with his kids and the kids get along with me).
If I were your DH, I'd probably let my sister have it and then stop talking to her and then I'd plan my own birthday dinner with my dad.
Some exes can be friendly and
Some exes can be friendly and comfortable around each other. But let's face it the vast majority cannot. Exes are exes for a reason. Very few exes have a caring and loving (platonic) relationship. Just because a few do does not mean that the others are wrong.
Inviting someone's ex to a family event is a slap in the face to the family member who does not want to see their ex. Only a really, rude, disgusting person does something like that - especially over and over again. Once could be a misunderstanding. Doing it multiple times is the equivalent of spitting in someone's face.
I'm the first to say that I don't think ex inlaws have to dump the ex. But to try to foist them off on their family member is just wrong on so many levels.
StrugglingSM yes, I can't get
StrugglingSM yes, I can't get over the nerve of DH's sister especially, meddling like this with DH & my life, inviting BM to DH's family events.
SIL is the one that started this, now that I look back, beginning with MIL's funeral (where not only was BM and her mother there, but an ex girlfriend of DH as well...don't even get me started!) DH's sister still talks to anyone that is no longer a friend of DH, including ex-lovers....yet she has very few friends of her own (and never so much as had a boyfriend in the almost 20 years that DH & I have been together)
DH told me when we first met that his sister was an "orchestrater" Now that I know her, yes this translates to a' behind your back gossiper with the single aim to destroy your reputation, popularity, relationship with others'.
She does this I suppose to cover the fact that she herself is not popular, doesn't have great relationships (other than with anyone who is no longer part of DH's life) very few friends, and again has never so much as had a boyfriend in the almost 20 years that DH & I have been together
She's a very jealous, insecure, competitive person who responds to those feelings by trying to minimize the people she's jealous of, rather than focusing on improving herself
I'm glad your in-laws don't shove your BM down your throat, sounds like you're already just trying to deal with them! Amazing how they'll take the worst EX over the current wife, regardless of how improved
Clearly how I feel too
Clearly how I feel too notasm3! But then again, you have common sense
And I should add that OSD
And I should add that OSD does this because she actively enjoys making DH & I feel uncomfortable...but BM and her SO as well
She has always been a major manipulator
She tries to play parent off parent, parent off step-parent, and even step-parent off step-parent
She now uses skids as tools to help facilitate the manipulation as well
She tries to 'punish' her parents, and her step-parents, but trying to make people feel guilty, or unimportant in her life, that they're not doing enough for her, that she's a victim
I've stepped far away from her drama in recent years. Best way to deal with her. As long as she knows that I could seriously give a damn, she has no power over me
It doesn't stop her from trying of course - thus the continuous episodes of BM situations - which is why DH & I have cranked our disengagement up a notch to declining to even participate in his own family events, while they continue to shove BM down our throats
We sure have the same OSD!
We sure have the same OSD! SHe is punishing her father for God knows what now.....for basically having a life where she and her Royal Spawn are not front and center in his mind 24 hours a day.
She once told me she joined a sorority in college so she could learn how to manipulate people. DH agreed that she manipulated people to get her way. But he never thought she would manipulate HIM.....as though their relationship was so special and sweet and innocent.
She is an unaccountable victim, chronic complainer, she is not responsible for anything....everything is done to her.......poor poor OSD42. If she doesn't like something her father tells her, she immediately says she needs counseling and this isn't helping.
Oh, she needs counseling alright. Lots and lots of counseling!
Both OSD and YSD love drama and love stirring the pot. That was instilled in them by BM, who has absolutely nothing else to offer.
"She once told me she joined
"She once told me she joined a sorority in college so she could learn how to manipulate people" wow - seriously?
I think that says it all Sacrificial - yes, we have the same OSD!
Yes, the sorority she ended
Yes, the sorority she ended up joining was one where all new pledges had to strip, and the sorority sisters would use a marker and circle the body imperfections on the new pledge. Just horrible, demeaning, and this is still what she is made of, even in middle age. I've heard her rip her "friends" apart because of their appearance but also chastise ones who look good because they "exercise too hard".
You can't win with her, unless you put her on a pedestal and worship her.
She has young children now, which is concerning.