Going back to court after 12 years

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Tonight I am posting as a BM so be gentle

exH and I have had an ok co parenting relationship for the past several years. We've mostly been able to communicate directly about kids, child support, moves (he's military) etc, without having to involve the courts in every little thing. CS has not been adjusted since 2005. He's paid 100% medical costs including braces which was $4k one year so I've been very lenient. He also paid all the costs of my daughter to go through her tech school, GI bill helped him but there were extra costs. My now 20 yr old chose to live w/him through high school and 2 years beyond so he was supporting him and DD22 as well. Though he has gotten raises and I know he's underpaid I felt that the extras he did sorta evened things out.

Fast forward to the present: ds18 is going to college, exH says he's 18 has a full scholarship and exH says he will not pay cs anymore for him. ds20 was dropped on my doorstep by exH in April. exH says that he will no longer support ds20 at all, he is done and ds20 can never come back to his home to live w/him. exH was supposed to spend half the summer w/ds18 & ds15 but only spent 4 days w/them. He told me that he didn't want to see them this summer because he didn't have time. Didn't want to spend the time or money returning them to me either. The only reason he saw them at all was because I wanted to visit dd22 and had to bring them along because there was no one here to watch them and we live 12 hrs away from exH. I drove 24 hours both ways and he still bitched about having to spend time with them.

Yes the two older sons are adults but ds18 will still have plenty of expenses even though his tuition/room and board are paid. just tonight I had to whip out the credit card for some fees. He'll also have 3 mos in the summer where he'll have to leave campus, no bed, no money, and stay w/one of his parents. ds20 is LD, learning disabled, I was really hoping that with a little help he'd be able to make it on his own eventually but this is not going to be the case. He's in a job training program right now and works 26 hrs a week at minimum wage. from 18 to 20 he lived w/exH who let him eat junk food and play video games all night. Tomorrow I'm calling the social security office and making an appointment to apply for benefits for him. ds15 is also LD so I'll apply for him at the same time too.

Monday I'll be calling around for a lawyer because as of now exH is only paying cs for ds15 and he is underpaying. I know that he is supposed to send money to ds18 because he is in college and according to our state laws a disabled adult child is entitled to support from their parents.

I'd like to know if any of you has experience with the non custodial parent paying cs for a college student. How does this work? Also support for an adult disabled child, how does this work and is there still support ordered if the child is collecting Social Security benefits?

I hate to sound greedy like I'm taking exH to the cleaners, especially conc ds20, but there is no way he'll be able to fully support himself working 26 hrs a week at minimum wage. Even though he is bringing in a paycheck and contributing Me and my DH are picking up a lot of slack. exH also just cut ds20's phone because he wanted him to be independant...aka mom pay for it.

Any advice, stories of expereince or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

*the round trip driving was

*the round trip driving was 24 hours. 12 hrs each way.

Thanks SJ. I talked to exH a

Thanks SJ. I talked to exH a few times asking him to reconsider so that we don't have to go through the expenses of court. I hate to give money to lawyers when those thousands of dollars could be benefiting the kids instead and that's one reason I have avoided adjustment or revisiting court for so long. I know this is for them, kids are expensive.

Another reason I need to have this enforced is because he'll *forget* to send payment for a month or two and I have to call/text and remind him. I'd rather have as little contact as possible and let the courts do the work instead of me.

Does your divorce decree or

Does your divorce decree or previous child support order address the age at which the LD kids will age off child support? Usually in cases of disabled children that is addressed pretty early.

Working with kids with special needs was my career until recently, so I have seen some of these cases play out. Do your boys have extensive histories of moderate to severe disabilities requiring special education? Some may be state-specific of course, but in my state the disabilities have to prevent a child from working or being able to succeed in college. Not sure what state you are in.

Nothing about their learning

Nothing about their learning disabilities in the decree. It's from '05 so neither of them had IEP's yet. 15 yr old is in special ed and ds20 was too. ds20 would definitely not be able to succeed in college, can work, but needs lots of guidance and won't be able to self support in our society.

My SS is remedially

My SS is remedially challenged. The chances of him launching at age 18 is 0. My husband and I have already discussed this and the way forward once maintenance ends at age 18. I know that this is our reality and I am more keyed for it than my husband is. Maybe your ex husband is like my husband and didn't think about it. Now that it is a reality it's unacceptable to him as he had an end date in mind, as unrealistic as it might be.

Objectively, I do believe you need a plan for your LD children to launch whilst still giving them the support they need within reason. Your ex needs to do the same, they are not going to magically launch at 18 if they aren't intellectually capable.

My deadline for my SS is age 23. You need an end date too. Asking for indefinite support is not realistic, however having a plan with an end date is. Then approach legal counsel.

I read online that

I read online that LD/disabled children can be ordered lifelong support but this usually doesn't happen since most are eligible for social security or benefits from their state and this offsets support. I just called Soc Sec this morning to arrange an appt for ds20 and also ds15. Also have a consult for a lawyer.

I wish exH would work with me so that we could help ds20 together but he's decided that he's done and said that ds20 has to be independant and can never live with him again.

I plan on amending our current decree to address this issue w/ds15 when he ages out.

None of this is going to be

None of this is going to be easy and you may not be successful.

DS20 is an adult legally. You are his parent, but he is an adult legally and most likely has to file himself. You can help him file, but most likely he has to sign himself.

DS20 is in a training program and working 26 hours a week. When he finishes the training program what will prevent him from working full time?

DS15 is LD, but having an LD diagnosis alone is not sufficient. The severity of the diagnosis is important. Why have you decided to apply for SS now? What has changed? What services do you want for him that receiving SS will provide?

DS15. If CS has not been reviewed in 12 years it is time to do so. Use one of the online state specific calculators to get a realistic idea of what would be ordered.

DS18 is going to depend on the laws of your state and the original CO. If exH used his GI benefits for DD22 are there any left for DS18?

I'm applying for ds15 now

I'm applying for ds15 now because exH is dropping the ball financially. ds20 may be able to physically work full time but truly self supporting would be an ongoing issue for him. exH has used all GI benefits for dd22, luckily ds18 has a scholarship that will cover tuition/room/board so there is no issue there.

Ok…It really sounds like you

Ok…It really sounds like you ex has gone above and beyond in support for the kids. Yes…you certainly need to adjust support for the 15 year old. BUUUUT…beware what that could mean. CS could go down if he makes less money. The extras will absolutely be stopped by the EX because he will be mad.

I am from a state that CS stops at 18. I think it will look really bad on you if you go down and try to get benefits for your kids now and then turn around and try to make him pay for adults. It may look like you are trying to get the benefits so that you can claim they are LD to get more support. (not saying that is what you are doing). Is it on record that they are both LD? If so, how LD are they. LDs can be vastly different. I would assume he can’t be to LD since he works.

All, I am saying is be careful for what you wish for. It KIND OF sounds like your ex is trying to get them to be more independent and you are not. I say this because your 20 year old works 26 hours a week so your EX thought he could pay his own cell bill but you said that you will pay it? Why can’t your adult son pay it? Does he have lots of other bills?

There have been no extras,

There have been no *extras,* only the medical/dental coverage and copays which he has been ordered to pay and will continue to pay. I pay for everything else, classes, school fees, supplies, trips, fooood, bills, etc. It is on record that they are both LD through their entire schooling. ds20 is more capable in my opinion than ds15 but they are both going to need social/family support throughout their lives. ds20 is now working but it's a skills training program and he works alongside people who have never worked or are also disabled. Many disabled people work, he is working alongside severly handicapped indiviuals including some with Downs Syndrome. He was working a very menial full time job but was fired due to not following directions. This program is much more structured and lenient for his abilities.

exH's way of making ds20 independent was dropping him at my door and cutting him off. THis was after 2 years of allowing him to sit play video games all night after high school. ds20 was supposed to enter a job trainig program after high school but exH didn't complete the paperwork and instead tried to get ds20 in the military. DS could not pass the asfab so that plan didnt work. At first I did pay his phone but He is now paying his own phone which is $40 a month and is contributing to groceries. Even so, there is no way he could self support on his small income so DH and I are picking up a lot of slack. Luckily ds does chores and pulls his weight, cares for the animals, he's also very easy going so we do enjoy him being here.

Aspbergers runs on exH's side of the family and both DS's display traits, ds15 more so than ds20 but both are affected.

Do they have a diagnosis on

Do they have a diagnosis on the autism spectrum? In counseling? Receiving other vocational and social rehabilitative services?

SSI is not very easy to get without very definitive evidence. They have to not be able to work ANY job. Not just a good job that can pay all their expenses. Even a minimum wage job, 26 hours a week may disqualify them.

When the now-20 year old was

When the now-20 year old was living with him in HS, was he still paying child support to you for him? Since it hasn't been revisited since 2005 I would guess so. If that's the case then I think he's been very generous.

If he paid extra expenses for dd22 beyond GI bill etc, then hasn't he already paid for one of your kids to go to school on his dime? So you paying extra expenses for DS18 beyond his scholarship would be your turn to pay extras, right?

No, he did not pay support to

No, he did not pay support to me for ds20 while ds was in high school. He only paid cs and medical for the kids living with me at the time. GI bill was paid for through the govt not on his dime. We both have an obligation to support ds18 while he is in college and it will all be calculated.

Is it in your divorce decree

Is it in your divorce decree that you both have an obligation to support DS18 through college?

Did you help support your DD22 through her college/technical program, as you expect him to pay for ds18 now?

You said this: He also paid all the costs of my daughter to go through her tech school, GI bill helped him but there were extra costs.

That, to me, means he paid those extra costs.

Which means your DS18's full scholarship is equal to or greater in value than DD22's GI bill assistance... so there are very few expenses left of DS18's college since he has a full scholarship including room/board.

DS will have the bulk of his

DS will have the bulk of his college paid for but as always there will be additional expenses and blocks of time that he will not be covered under the scholarship. During the summers he will have to move off campus. ds18's expenses will exceed dd's over a 4 yr period of time.

I agree it sounds like your

I agree it sounds like your XH has gone above and beyond and paid many extras.

I am not sure what state you are in, however, in my state CS stops at 19. NCP are no longer forced to pay college expenses. In order to get Maintenance for a college student, the Child has to file with the courts before they turn 19. Then the courts will possibly order the NCP to pay a small monthly payment toward expenses.

Regarding LD children, I have a friend who will have to pay CS on his adult LD DD. I believe she is in her 30's. Of course that was ordered many years ago.

I would think, in order to get additional money for your LD children, they would need to have more proof of their disabilities and the extent of their disabilities.

I guess the way I look at it is...Did you pay CS for your DD20 when she lived with your XH?? If not, then I don't feel you have the right to ask for CS now. Just my opinion.

DD22 school was a 1 yr

DD22 school was a 1 yr program paid for by the GI bill. exH did pay for her fees and materials that she needed which were written off on his taxes. ds18 is going to a 4 yr program and most things will be paid for but in our decree he is entitled to support while he is in college.

Just a note, I worked and supported exH while he went through school, BA & MA so he is a very high earner now. I have continued to work and not completed my degree so he makes significantly more than me. I was way too generous and lenient to him and should have had things enforced and adjusted long ago. Lesson learned.

What does "written off on his

What does "written off on his taxes" have to do with it?

I would hope so. I would also hope that you would do the same with whatever you pay for your DS18.

If your decree says that you are to receive CS for DS18 when he is away at college, then your XH must pay it. Simple. If it says that your DS is entitled to support while at college directly then that's for them to work out. Also simple.

Did you pay CS to your XH while your DS20 lived there?

If you supported him through school that should have been part of the divorce settlement I think, not a reason for adjusting child support. Child support does not equal alimony.

I have a child on the autism spectrum. He does not receive SSI, although he did receive help from our vocational rehabilitation program in this state and Disability services in helping him train for and find work. He is 29, now working a good job making $40K a year with benefits processing prior authorization paperwork for a health insurance company, working from home. It's monotonous, but he loves it and he loves the independence it gives him.

Children with differences and special needs can succeed many times in the real world with some nudging, structure and encouragement. I don't know how badly your children's issues are impacting them, but there are other resources to use in the meantime, while waiting for CS and SSI decisions. The worst that can happen is that they don't do well in those programs and that becomes more evidence of a true disability for your SSI case.

And if xH agreed to send a

And if xH agreed to send a direct check to ds18 or to the college that would be great and there would be nothing to pursue. Right now this is not the case, xH says he's done.

Yes and the court order is in

Yes and the court order is in xH's and my name, so I will have to be the one to file to have it enforced.

Yes his earning a

Yes his earning a significantly higher income that mine is a reason to adjust support.

well dd22 is grown and now

well dd22 is grown and now paying him rent and paying her own bills. I have the other 3 children, his income has increased significantly, mine has not. Thankfully there is an order in place so he will likely have an increase in support for ds15, will still have to support ds18 through college. Hopefully ds20 will qualify for ssi, if not I will apply for support for him as well.

we agreeed that as long as I

we agreeed that as long as I did not have cs adjusted then I would not pay for ds20. In hindsight because of his income the cs would have gone up regardless of ds living w/him or not.

How much per month are your

How much per month are your kids receiving from SSDI individually NOT collectively.

They aren't recieving any

They aren't recieving any benefits at the moment. I do have appointments set up for both of them.

What are their disabilities?

They are both globally

They are both globally delayed/LD. Both have been in special ED and speech therapy throughout their schooling.

Did DS20 graduate on time? Is

Did DS20 graduate on time?

Is DS15 expected to graduate on time?

ds20 walked w/out a diploma

ds20 walked w/out a diploma because xH missed some important meetings about ds20 graduating. After graduation i had to do the footwork to make sure ds completed what he needed to in order to get a diploma in hand. ds now has his diploma. ds15 should graduate on time with help of his sped programs.

I tend to agree with you - I

I tend to agree with you - I don't understand how the rest of the universe considers 18 to be an adult, yet some states mandate CS until a "child" is 22 or out of college. Makes no sense to me...

My kids are all done with college (phew!) - Thing1 is starting his new job with one of the largest corporations in the world and he will make more money than I do. I don't "support" him anymore, though I did go to Chicago to help him set up his first apartment. Bought dishes, some furniture, silverware, etc. I also Venmo'd him some cash over the last month to help him out until he gets his first paycheck at the end of this month. I did that because I wanted to, not because the state told me I had to.

Thing2 is off to Japan in about a month. Asshat his paying his graduate school tuition (5K a year, that's right, I said a YEAR) while I will pay for his apartment for at least the first six months. We found a cute but tiny studio apartment that is furnished and has kitchen utensils/pots/pans/etc for a little more than $430 a month. Once Thing2 starts earning money from his job at the lab, I may stop paying his rent, but I might continue to pay his rent. Again, because I WANT to, not because the state tells me to.

awww, sorry to read this.

PLEASE do NOT be one of those moms who insists their kids disability define who the child becomes. ALSO who wont allow the adult disabled child maximize all they can become.

YES I do have experience.

Your 20 year old should be paying for their own phone. NOT dad, NOT you but he should be. If he cant, not phone or downsize to a flip phone.

I wont comment on all the other stuff, whats the point. You are gonna do what you want anyway.

Who pays for the kids health insurance YOU and your current husband? Or are the kids on state assistance.

ds20 is now paying for his

ds20 is now paying for his phone. ds18's line is only $10 a month and he does enough chores to earn his keep.

This kid mows almost a half

This kid mows almost a half an acre of lawn lady! You tell me if that's worth $10 a month or not. Plus he graduated HS with honors and earned a full athletic scholarship. He's earned his keep several times over.

OH BOY here we go. "This kid

OH BOY here we go.

"This kid mows almost a half an acre of lawn lady! You tell me if that's worth $10 a month or not. Plus he graduated HS with honors and earned a full athletic scholarship. He's earned his keep several times over".

I want my kids to become all

I want my kids to become all that they can. I didn't want ds20 to come back to live at home. His father insisted that he would help launch him but did not take the time to do so, instead he enabled him then dropped him off at my door with no life skills, no job experience, no real knowledge of the adult world and cut him off. My sons disabilities are such that they will be able to be mostly independent but will also need help and guidance in life.

ds20 has just now started working, because I've pushed him to do so. He has to pay his share because I insist upon it. His *launching* will likely take longer than most but he's now headed in the general direction.

Get a good lawyer and work

Get a good lawyer and work with them to map out your strategy for obtaining appropriate support for the 15yo and the disabled adult child. I doubt that your XH can just walk away from his obligations and you need to bring all legal tools possible to bear to get him to step up.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Thanks Rags. I have a lawyer

Thanks Rags. I have a lawyer consult and luckily got in for an appt w/soc security this week. Things are moving forward.

I never filed for support

I never filed for support until my daughter started HS because I simply couldn't afford the tuition on my own (forget about everything else). Support continued until she graduated from college although trust me he fought it like you wouldn't believe.
He never gave one penny more than the court ordered support. Our daughter was an honor student her entire way through school and she worked for it. It was not easy for her. Instead of encouraging her he would verbally beat her up every chance telling her why she should be working and not in college. The court ordered support ended when she was going to grad school and he got a lawyer who found a loop hole. I couldn't afford to pay the legal fees to fight him. Oh and he had her on his cell phone plan for an additional $10.00 per month which I paid him annually for. Well when he found out that support continued through college he cut her off and the cell phone bill went from $10.00 per month to $90.00 some per month. I also paid her medical and dental. I don't understand how one parent is a parent for life and the other parent is a parent until age 18. I know with the military it is an entire different ball game and LD children is a different ball game. Glad to see that you got an attorney. Good luck to you. We have to be advocates for our children, they can't do it for themselves.

"I don't understand how one

"I don't understand how one parent is a parent for life and the other parent is a parent until age 18."

Yeah I don't get this either. xH now is "done" in his own words and it's falling to me to pick up the pieces. He's referring to the older kids but he also rarely calls ds15 either.

Glad to hear your honor student daughter got the support she needed through high school and college. Sad that her father fought her every step of the way rather than being supportive. She sounds like an amazing young lady.

The SpermClan had the same

The SpermClan had the same rants with my SS as he was getting close to HS graduation. They were on the hook for CS for college until he turned 22 as long as he was a full time student in good standing with his university. Their guilt trip worked. He enlisted in the USAF instead of going to college because he knew that if he was in school we would hire an attorney and keep them nailed to the wall for CS on his behalf. The only change would have been that the CS would have gone directly to him rather than to my wife.

These toxic POS morons who were the bane of our family for 16+ years fell off the planet the day after our son turned 18 and their CS obligation stopped. No calls, nothin.

Interestingly our son has pretty much been a full time student in the CCAF since he enlisted and could have had a nice supplemental income of $385/mo for the first 4 years of his USAF career if he would have pressed his legal right to that support. But, unlike his REAL dad (Me) he is not vindictive or hell bent on beating some sense and character into the toxic SpermClan. He is far calmer than I am on this issue and has written them off. He has written them off to the point that he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen so now we have papers making official what has always been the case. I am his dad. For the first time my wife and my son share the same last name. All is right with the Rags world.

They made no recognition of his HS graduation, his BMT graduation, his Tech School graduation, any of his promotions, nor any of his birthdays since they disappeared after their last CS payment was made.... including his 25th birthday this past Saturday.

That entire shallow and polluted gene pool nauseates me. :sick: Thank God my kid is a mutant without a trace of his SpermIdiot's toxic genetic refuse.

I'm not trying to be mean

I'm not trying to be mean here and I sort of get what you're saying, but I have 2 Autistic kids (7 & 9) & I'm still married to their dad. But it seems like you're kind of trying to get back at him in a way for other reasons. I could be totally wrong but he did have your son in his custody for a long time; why? I'm just a bit confused. I want to lend you support if I can but it just sounds a bit too one sided because many men get screwed quite easily when it comes to cs $ alimony. I TOTALLY get the protection of SN kids & young adults but your one son stayed up playing video games all night, so that to me sounds a bit "normal" for a kid that age lacking discipline & direction. I'm sorry your eH "dumped him" back on you but he's your kid no matter what. No matter how old, he always will be but there comes a point of TOUGH LOVE! Btw, I supported my first husband through college, so I get the resentment if them graduating & feeling left behind. Just throwing that out there so ya don't think I'm an unfeeling or unknowing person! Best to you!

"I have 2 Autistic kids (7 &

"I have 2 Autistic kids (7 & 9) & I'm still married to their dad"

I hope that your marriage stays intact and your children always have the support of two loving parents, they will need it since our society is not ideally set up for differently abled people.

Disabled kids can become

Disabled kids can become productive citizens in society.

My adult son was labelled learning disabled years ago in kindergarten. He receives some benefits AND works AND goes to school full time AND does chores AND pays for his own personal expenses including his cell phone AND pays room and board.

If you set limitations on your son, he will set limitations on himself! Don't do that to him!!!

Where I am from, adult kids of divorce qualify for support IF a disability pension doesn't cover all their needs. But I have seen custodial parents abuse this to keep CS on going instead of encouraging the child to learn to be independent. Sad but true.

College kids where I am from are entitled to support up to their first degree, diploma or certificate.

As for the cell phone..... Your EX is right, he can earn money and pay for it himself. My son pays for his own.

It sounds like your son has a

It sounds like your son has a lot of support and direction from his parent(s). Yes LD/disabled kids can succeed but they do need a supportive network, which it sounds like your son has.

On Friday I submitted all the

On Friday I submitted all the paperwork to have our foreign decree entered and enforcable in our current state. The lawyer offered to do it for a flat fee of $750. I decided to save $$$ and print and fill out the 30 something pages, get all the docs in order and submit them myself. Spent about 2 days getting it all done and about 30 mins at the clerks window getting things situated and turned in. The lawyer consult was $50, fees $35 so $85 compared to $750 is a pretty sweet deal.

Learned a lot from this experience and will still have some footwork to do with the enforcement office ORS after the judgment is accepted into this state. Also took ds20 to Soc Sec office and helped him apply for benefits. We had everything in order and his IEP and psychological tests from high school so no more tests should be necessary.

Will not pursue support from ex conc ds20 because it would disqualify him from recieving SSI benefits. Though in this state disabled children can be awarded lifelong support payments from their parents. Our current state rules that CS ends at 18 or conclusion of high school, barring any disabilities. But since our decree is out of state and it explicitely states that CS continues to be paid IF child continues to college uninterrupted, support is given until the age of 23, current state will enforce it.

Still more hoops to jump through but the process is in motion. xH has 20 days to contest once he recieves notice that divorce decree will be enforcable by our state.

UPDATE: Today I got notice in

UPDATE: Today I got notice in the mail that exH is objecting to the *foreign decree,* (our original court order from another state) being entered in our state so we'll have a hearing in a month. I have no idea why he would object to it except to be an @$$. He has to have a valid reason, children have to be in the state for only 6 mos and the kids have lived here for the last 5 years. I'm thinking this is just a stalling tactic and the judge will approve it anyway.

Anyone have expereince w/this?

We could have entered the

We could have entered the SpermLand judgement in our state after SS had been resident for 6mos. We chose not to due to the likelihood of a significant increase in SpermLand visitation though DickHeads CS would likely have gone up by more than 10X if we had entered the Judgement in our state. No amount of money was worth exposing the kid to that shallow and polluted gene pool more than absolutely necessary.

However, we kept it as a stick to beat the SpermIdiot with whenever he or his batshit crazy mother ever stepped out of line. Increased CS terrified the crap out of them all. }:)

Our attorney told us at the time that entering a foreign judgement in state was dependent on the reciprocity agreement between our state and the other state. In states with reciprocity our attorney indicated it is rare for a foreign judgement to be entered in our state if ether party still retained residency in the foreign state. However, SpermLand did not have receiprocity so there was little the SpermIdiot could do had my DW chosen to register the Judgement in our state.

Check with your attorney to see what stipulations may apply.

Good luck.

We've both moved from the

We've both moved from the original state that the CO was ordered in. The state sent a letter informing me that they would no longer enforce support since neither party lived in the state.

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Going back to court after 12 years