I know I will probably get some heat for this one..
My husband has a few different collections ~ he has been collecting figures & paintings and various things. Some have minimum value... most of it is junk. But, It's his junk....
Considering DH was married for over 10 years to BIO... most of the collectables were gifts from his ex wife and/or her family. I have added to his collection over the years. When I look at the items she possibly gave him ~ throughout our house I do think about BIO ... when I look at these items that might of been a sentimental gift from BIO and of course it bothers me to look at them... and you all know how much I dislike BIO.
I know gifts or keepsakes I have received in my lifetime ~ I do think about that person who gave it to me or an experience ~ when I wear a piece of Jewelry that was from my Grandmother I think of her when I put it on.. etc... or an item sparks a memory of an occasion.. birthday or Christmas... etc...
Is it ok for me to be upset and not want items that were gifts from his Ex Wife in our home? They have been on display in our home for years and it's all starting to get to me... I have asked him to put in the attic until I get over the hate. Which may never happen. I have so much hate built up for this woman. I don't want a reminder of her in our home for me or him to have. Am I completely wrong about this?
I have a good friend who was married and then divorced and her ex husband remarried someone that looked just like her. My friend would FB stalk the new wife and saw pictures of the new wife in her old Bikinis!
The new wife was not married for long to my friends EX husband. My friend reached out to her and the new wife said he would give her all kinds of gifts that she questioned because clothes, swim suits, & lingerie did not have tags.
I have lots of things in my house that were from friends of DH, probably BM and DH, including items made by or given to DH from former girlfriends. (Don't think there is anything directly from BM though.)
Some of the stuff doesn't bother me at all, probably because I really like the item myself. Some of the stuff HAS bothered me, and I've asked DH to put that in a part of the house we rarely use. He's been fine with that.
DH and I agree that anything we both have to look at needs to be ours, or things we brought from our former lives that fit with our current life. Pretty sure my DH would put away anything in his collection that I didn't like or felt bad about, or he'd sell it to other collectors. It's just a thing, after all, and the marriage is more important.
Why is it 'starting' to bother you? I'm guessing you've know for some time BIO gave those to him. Has something changed or have you always been bothered by it?
I would only be bothered by this if my DH was commenting repeatedly about how BM gave this this or BM gave me that.
In reality, I doubt your DH can pick out when item was given by BM and which wasn't. It is part of a collection, not a personal items put in a spotlight, like a family portrait.
I still have furniture that I purchased when I was married to XH and purchased while I was pregnant with BS. I have a coffee table that was given to me by my XMIL....DH could care less.
But If it bothers you that much, then maybe your DH will remove any items from BM.
Yes, it's HIS junk, no matter who gave it to him. You feel how you feel and it's not necessarily wrong, but you are making yourself miserable.
My DH has an item that BM gave him when they were married, for his birthday. It was something he really wanted. I have always known that BM gave it to him but didn't really care, it's his and he wants it. It never occurred to me to ask him to get rid of it and I don't think of BM when I look at it, and neither does he. He sees it as something of his that he really wants. BM only bought it for him to look good in front of her family and friends, but it was a win for him!
I hated BM at one time also, but I did not associate things with her. I let her and her actions get to me and that was bad enough.
Bm brought dh a gun and pretended it was from ss. SS gave it to dh for Father's Day and dh kept it. The people here basically told me to chill about it.
Because it was a gift from his son, that BM had to help him buy because your SS could not legally buy a gun. It was not a gift from BM to your husband.
I can understand this completely. BIO picks out gifts for DH for every Holiday. She has the kids each hand make him an item and then also includes a new item to add to his collection. To me... these "gift" is from HER ~ not the children. She has even hand made things for my husband from HER to add to his collection. I guess this is why it's bothered me lately because BIO sent a gift to add to his collection for Father's Day.
I don't know if it's ok or not but I can share my story.
My ex was an artist. I say was because I don't know now. It's one of the reason's I fell in love with him. It's all I ever wanted from him. For any gift for any occasion just a drawing. The smallest doddle would make me happy. He did amazing things in 10 minutes that would take me years to not even come close to. I have a ton of tiny scraps of pictures he drew of me hiding around in my books or paperwork. Like the a quick doddle of the Geico Gecko that is tucked in with the paperwork for my certification. Now these I see no issue with as they are out of the way and really don't bother me.
I also have some bigger pieces. Some that I know he put ALOT of time and effort into. He talked to me in detail to get exactly what I wanted. I have 3 of these that I know he put in weeks if not months of work. They we're very dear to me and they were for major events. My first birthday with him, our first anniversary, and our first Christmas. They are framed and even when I moved out of our shared apartment I hung them in my new room. After our divorce they caused me alot of stress. I don't know how I feel about seeing them on the wall. One of them was so personal I took it down pretty soon after the divorce was finalized. The other two anyone could have done. They are two collections of characters. One being my favorite cartoon characters and the second being my favorite video game characters.
My SO knows who drew them but he also knows that they are representations of my interest. Our room was mine and is still plastered with my stuff. My wall scrolls, my posters, ect. I don't want to just remove the pieces but what I have done is slowly move them.
I've done my own art. As I said it's what I feel in love for him. I never considered myself creative but I've tired. I've completed a few paintings and to put them up his pieces have slowly moved to the side. Sooner or later they will move off completely but it's a process. Now if we moved tomorrow I could put them away and not worry but since this is still in a way my room more than ours (despite my attempts to change that view in my mind) i need to go at my own pace.
I didn't read everything you wrote so I'm not sure if you included this. It may be something he doesn't really associate with her because they are his interest or if he does he needs to come to terms and be comfortable moving them out of site and it might take him a LONG LONG time. Try not to take it personal.
So some of the pieces in his collection of whatever may or may not have been gifts to DH from when he was married to BM. Some perhaps from her, some perhaps from her extended family, right?
But then you got together with him, knew he liked collecting the whatever and added even more of the pieces to his collection, right? For example's sake, let's say he collects Lenox wildlife and bird figurines.
When he looks at it he sees Lenox wildlife and bird figurines he'll been gathering and collecting for years. When you look at the same collection, even though you , yourself, contributed to the growing collection, you see BM. Correct?
Is it really the BM factor is it perhaps just because it's a tacky/junky collection that you think you'd like out of view in your home (as in 'packed in box, buried in attic, never to see the light of day again) and would like to maybe start collecting different more to your taste kind of things. Maybe even something you and husband could start hunting, searching down together and building together?
I'm asking because , to me, there's a big difference between putting on Grandma's necklace and having fond memory surge of grandma than looking at a shelve full of animals figurines that came from all kinds of people. Do you think if you want over and picked up this or that piece and asked him "DH, who gave you this one?" that he might not even remember or would he instantly go "oh, that one BM gave me for my 30th birthday"?
I know I will probably get
I know I will probably get some heat for this one..
My husband has a few different collections ~ he has been collecting figures & paintings and various things. Some have minimum value... most of it is junk. But, It's his junk....
Considering DH was married for over 10 years to BIO... most of the collectables were gifts from his ex wife and/or her family. I have added to his collection over the years. When I look at the items she possibly gave him ~ throughout our house I do think about BIO ... when I look at these items that might of been a sentimental gift from BIO and of course it bothers me to look at them... and you all know how much I dislike BIO.
I know gifts or keepsakes I have received in my lifetime ~ I do think about that person who gave it to me or an experience ~ when I wear a piece of Jewelry that was from my Grandmother I think of her when I put it on.. etc... or an item sparks a memory of an occasion.. birthday or Christmas... etc...
Is it ok for me to be upset and not want items that were gifts from his Ex Wife in our home? They have been on display in our home for years and it's all starting to get to me... I have asked him to put in the attic until I get over the hate. Which may never happen. I have so much hate built up for this woman. I don't want a reminder of her in our home for me or him to have. Am I completely wrong about this?
How did you get clothes that
How did you get clothes that belonged to his ex?!
I have a good friend who was
I have a good friend who was married and then divorced and her ex husband remarried someone that looked just like her. My friend would FB stalk the new wife and saw pictures of the new wife in her old Bikinis!
The new wife was not married for long to my friends EX husband. My friend reached out to her and the new wife said he would give her all kinds of gifts that she questioned because clothes, swim suits, & lingerie did not have tags.
I C K Y
Does he really have stuff /
Does he really have stuff / gifts from his x on display?
WOW
Not us, neither one of us have anything from our x's given to us. Ewwwww
My husband becomes ill thinking about his ex. No joke.
I for one would not want anything from my x in my home. Love my marriage to DH don't want to taint it.
I have lots of things in my
I have lots of things in my house that were from friends of DH, probably BM and DH, including items made by or given to DH from former girlfriends. (Don't think there is anything directly from BM though.)
Some of the stuff doesn't bother me at all, probably because I really like the item myself. Some of the stuff HAS bothered me, and I've asked DH to put that in a part of the house we rarely use. He's been fine with that.
DH and I agree that anything we both have to look at needs to be ours, or things we brought from our former lives that fit with our current life. Pretty sure my DH would put away anything in his collection that I didn't like or felt bad about, or he'd sell it to other collectors. It's just a thing, after all, and the marriage is more important.
Why is it 'starting' to
Why is it 'starting' to bother you? I'm guessing you've know for some time BIO gave those to him. Has something changed or have you always been bothered by it?
I would only be bothered by
I would only be bothered by this if my DH was commenting repeatedly about how BM gave this this or BM gave me that.
In reality, I doubt your DH can pick out when item was given by BM and which wasn't. It is part of a collection, not a personal items put in a spotlight, like a family portrait.
I still have furniture that I purchased when I was married to XH and purchased while I was pregnant with BS. I have a coffee table that was given to me by my XMIL....DH could care less.
But If it bothers you that much, then maybe your DH will remove any items from BM.
most of it is junk. But, It's
most of it is junk. But, It's his junk....
Yes, it's HIS junk, no matter who gave it to him. You feel how you feel and it's not necessarily wrong, but you are making yourself miserable.
My DH has an item that BM gave him when they were married, for his birthday. It was something he really wanted. I have always known that BM gave it to him but didn't really care, it's his and he wants it. It never occurred to me to ask him to get rid of it and I don't think of BM when I look at it, and neither does he. He sees it as something of his that he really wants. BM only bought it for him to look good in front of her family and friends, but it was a win for him!
I hated BM at one time also, but I did not associate things with her. I let her and her actions get to me and that was bad enough.
Bm brought dh a gun and
Bm brought dh a gun and pretended it was from ss. SS gave it to dh for Father's Day and dh kept it. The people here basically told me to chill about it.
Because it was a gift from
Because it was a gift from his son, that BM had to help him buy because your SS could not legally buy a gun. It was not a gift from BM to your husband.
I can understand this
I can understand this completely. BIO picks out gifts for DH for every Holiday. She has the kids each hand make him an item and then also includes a new item to add to his collection. To me... these "gift" is from HER ~ not the children. She has even hand made things for my husband from HER to add to his collection. I guess this is why it's bothered me lately because BIO sent a gift to add to his collection for Father's Day.
I don't know if it's ok or
I don't know if it's ok or not but I can share my story.
My ex was an artist. I say was because I don't know now. It's one of the reason's I fell in love with him. It's all I ever wanted from him. For any gift for any occasion just a drawing. The smallest doddle would make me happy. He did amazing things in 10 minutes that would take me years to not even come close to. I have a ton of tiny scraps of pictures he drew of me hiding around in my books or paperwork. Like the a quick doddle of the Geico Gecko that is tucked in with the paperwork for my certification. Now these I see no issue with as they are out of the way and really don't bother me.
I also have some bigger pieces. Some that I know he put ALOT of time and effort into. He talked to me in detail to get exactly what I wanted. I have 3 of these that I know he put in weeks if not months of work. They we're very dear to me and they were for major events. My first birthday with him, our first anniversary, and our first Christmas. They are framed and even when I moved out of our shared apartment I hung them in my new room. After our divorce they caused me alot of stress. I don't know how I feel about seeing them on the wall. One of them was so personal I took it down pretty soon after the divorce was finalized. The other two anyone could have done. They are two collections of characters. One being my favorite cartoon characters and the second being my favorite video game characters.
My SO knows who drew them but he also knows that they are representations of my interest. Our room was mine and is still plastered with my stuff. My wall scrolls, my posters, ect. I don't want to just remove the pieces but what I have done is slowly move them.
I've done my own art. As I said it's what I feel in love for him. I never considered myself creative but I've tired. I've completed a few paintings and to put them up his pieces have slowly moved to the side. Sooner or later they will move off completely but it's a process. Now if we moved tomorrow I could put them away and not worry but since this is still in a way my room more than ours (despite my attempts to change that view in my mind) i need to go at my own pace.
I didn't read everything you wrote so I'm not sure if you included this. It may be something he doesn't really associate with her because they are his interest or if he does he needs to come to terms and be comfortable moving them out of site and it might take him a LONG LONG time. Try not to take it personal.
So some of the pieces in his
So some of the pieces in his collection of whatever may or may not have been gifts to DH from when he was married to BM. Some perhaps from her, some perhaps from her extended family, right?
But then you got together with him, knew he liked collecting the whatever and added even more of the pieces to his collection, right? For example's sake, let's say he collects Lenox wildlife and bird figurines.
When he looks at it he sees Lenox wildlife and bird figurines he'll been gathering and collecting for years. When you look at the same collection, even though you , yourself, contributed to the growing collection, you see BM. Correct?
Is it really the BM factor is it perhaps just because it's a tacky/junky collection that you think you'd like out of view in your home (as in 'packed in box, buried in attic, never to see the light of day again) and would like to maybe start collecting different more to your taste kind of things. Maybe even something you and husband could start hunting, searching down together and building together?
I'm asking because , to me, there's a big difference between putting on Grandma's necklace and having fond memory surge of grandma than looking at a shelve full of animals figurines that came from all kinds of people. Do you think if you want over and picked up this or that piece and asked him "DH, who gave you this one?" that he might not even remember or would he instantly go "oh, that one BM gave me for my 30th birthday"?