Not a new topic for anybody ... bm and "extras"
Haven't posted in a while. I have since had a beautiful baby girl so have my hands fairly full with two under two.
I also had a very rough delivery (forceps and episiotomy ) and 8 weeks on am experiencing a multitude of health problems... anybody have similar ? Please tell me it gets better...
Anyway my ss is nearly 15 and is a jerk. Bm1 is an ugly blood sucking troll who literally makes my skin crawl. After my first son was born she started rearing her ugly head more. But since I've had my daughter it has really ramped up...
Examples:
We have ss every weekend (That's an issue all by itself as I HATE his arrangement and even more so that his behaviour has become so piss poor). Last weekend we were at a family BBQ. We live an hour round trip from bm but his gbm lives about ten minutes closer to my dh father so would obviously save us at least 20 minutes in the car with two under two (and my toddler was in a bad way as he had rubbed suncream in his eyes and I needed to get him home to sort him out). Bm was in her mothers all day and dh asked as to ring to get dropped off there. We were literally two mins from there and bm said no she was leaving as she needed to get her toddler to bed (same age as my toddler). When we pulled up outside her house she was purposefully playing with said toddler obviously trying to send us some kind of message.
My dh runs a successful business. He has given ss a job over the summer to keep him busy and earn some money. Bm told ss to come to dh and tell him he wasn't getting paid enough. Also had him asking for days off and when he was going to be getting paid the first week of starting.
Dh obviously pays maintenance and does all of the travelling to collect and drop off ss which is over 109 a month. Has also paid for glasses clothes etc. Last year bm asked for 80 extra for school books on the Saturday and was requesting it for the next day. Dh gave it but did send a message saying that as he had just paid maintenance two days before the message (which just demanded the money -
No request) he would like notice in the future.
Today we received a message saying school bus was 350e and that was 175 each. No request for extra. Just demanding it. I feel that getting ss to school is solely bm responsibility. The wording of the message has oissed me and dh off more than the actual money. It is so demanding as if she is just entitled to my dh money. Dh doesn't know how to respond. He feels he shouldn't give her the money but has agreed it will come from ss saving fund as opposed to our monthly money. He is worried that it rose from 80 last year to 175 this year - what will it be next year? Where do you draw the line?
That being said we live in a country (not the us) where men do not do well if this ever went to court. Men are always seen as the abandoners regardless of circumstances (and she might get more ) despite us not being able to afford it (with other maintenance to bm2) and me on maternity leave.
Deciding whether to bite the bullet or to tell her to F off once and for all which I guess we prob shouldn't do - it's more of a fantasy really.
On a side note would really love to chat to anyone who has had an episiotomy where things finally got better!
Sorry meant to say bm1 was
Sorry meant to say bm1 was playing with the toddler in the front yard almost as if she was waiting for us .
I don't consider eye glasses
I don't consider eye glasses an optional extra. IMO it is a cost that should be split as per the typical medical (after insurance) is here in the US. BM1 pays 50%, your Dh 50%.
School bus is currently 'free' where I am , as our district owns it's own buses (not contracted out) and my property taxes sends a percentage of fee to the schools. However, if busing the child to school on a school bus is your SS's method of getting to school for his education, that too is (IMO) a cost that needs to be split between the two parents. It's an educational cost and again, is not an optional fee BM just likes spending money towards. The more it goes up per year for BM to send the child via bus the more evident it would become to be an expense that takes a real bit out of routine child support.
Clothing is something else. Clothing for the child at his mother's , SS's clothing this summer for work are all items BM and whatever child support is paid should cover. But as with perhaps mandated uniforms for school, once more between necessary required school uniform and the school bus fee, out goes a large and growing amount from routine child support for nothing but educating the child. IMO, which yes, is hotly debated around this site, is child support is for basics and the NCP's share of keeping roof, food regular clothing blah blah for the child.
An extra optional expense which would be open to discussion and/or refusal , to me, would be sports and piano lessons, for example. Those are non-necessary expenses and if money gets tight, these types of non-essentials should be dropped.
As to the new baby, congrats! And yes, the incision will get better. Gosh, it's been so long that it's a blurred memory now, but yeah, painful and annoying. I only had one with my first child and was young and healthy and athletic so my experience with it wasn't too bad and I vaguely remember using a squirt bottle of water for cleansing.
In intact families the
In intact families the parents make that decision together.
That isn't the case when they split and one decides to start playing Johnny Appleseed.
DH should never hand BM money
DH should never hand BM money she asks for..... if it's school related, he should contact the school get the right amount, pay half and make it clear BM is responsible for the balance, same with doctors bills etc.
Best is to get the information straight from the source and settle with them directly
Does DH pay CS? If so, these
Does DH pay CS? If so, these child-related expenses are what CS is for. Too often, BM thinks the CS is "her" money to pay her living expenses, and still comes back with hands open to nickle and dime the BD for every single expense related to their child. There's no end to it.
In our case, DH's CS was covering the entire rent and utilities for SD, BM, her boyfriend and his kids, and our BM was still calling daily for every little thing. There was no limit to her greed, and she began making up phony expenses. She quit her job and sat around all day scheming, causing problems, yet she still had all the luxuries of a well paid working person.
Our lawyer told DH to stop it, she gets her monthly CS for all those expenses and not a penny more. She was pissed, but she had no recourse. Further requests for $$ resulted in complete silence.
Maybe the laws where you are are different. Find out what your DH has to cover, and cover it, not a penny more. She'll be pissed, but could she really be any worse than she already is?
Your in the same state I am.
Your in the same state I am.
Our definition of what CS covers:
"What expenses does child support cover?
Child support payments cover the basic needs of the child such as food, clothing and shelter. Child support payments do not necessarily include expenses related to education, medical/dental costs, extracurricular activities or daycare. A court may order that the supporting parent pay additional amounts for these or other child related expenses. "
Typical majority of CO/Parenting Plans in our state kick in where the state guideline of basic CS leaves off. For you to say not another dime, would indicate your DH choice to be in the minority of divorcing parenting who foolish left the rest up in the air. Which is why your husband is getting never ending begging annoying phone call rants from BM.
The definition in a nut cup summary of the statutes (above) is the actual meaning of a our CS orders in this state, it is then cross referenced to the parents CO/PP. To say 'that's what CS is for end of story, not another dime' is a misleading statement due to the fact that the CS order is separate (here) from the CO/PP for the remaining subjects such as dental, medical, education, daycare ect.
Also, in our state, up until a few days ago (July 1st 2017) the NCP income is the only income factored into setting basic CS. One kid 20%, two kids 28% and so forth. BM working or not working had no reflection on what your husband's CS order would be.
I agree. Silly to hand the CP
I agree. Silly to hand the CP cash when arrangements can be had to pay directly. I would never hand someone money just because she says I need this and it cost this much.
Well, fine and great, but I want a billing statement, a school informational sheet and payment instructions, activity enrollment and payment sheet blah blah blah. No court will tell a parent they must send BM $50 just because BM says she needs $50 for Jr. to go on a field trip. BM says could end up to be full of baloney.
Our BM manipulates by not
Our BM manipulates by not buying clothes and necessities for the skids. Then they come to DH to ask....he doesn't want to see them go without so buys them. BM gets what she wanted....the CS for herself. Drives me nuts. I do understand though as she literally would leave them without. In your case it may be the same. I agree with the others, pay the school, doctors offices etc. directly.