Feeling sad, forgotten about, deflated, ignored, and used...
I don't know how we got to the place where we are right now. I've begun to hate being a step mom. As much as I love my husband, now I often want to run away.
It started with my youngest step daughter. She's an odd child, not easy to fall in love with, difficult to get used to, and being raised in a very different way than I agree with. But now, I just don't like having any of them over here.
I'm a teacher and I work incredibly hard during the school year. Summer is supposed to be the time when I get back to normalcy and doing things everyone else does on a regular basis. This is the time when I get to spend quality time with my kids and my husband, and some "me" time that I don't get the other 9 months of the year.
We've just finished the first month of summer. My step kids have been here the entire time. And while they normally help a little, they haven't been helping at all this summer. My husband hardly asks them to do anything any more and when I ask for help, I have to ask 5 or 6 times, not to mention they do a terrible job of whatever I ask for help with.
They've been eating me out of house and home, not asking permission to do things, going through my room and personal items, invading my personal space, falling asleep in my bed while cuddling with my husband, and then I get completely ignored with not so much as a thank you or a smile.
Yesterday, we were supposed to have a fun day at the lake. It ended up raining hard as soon as we got there so we couldn't grill lunch like we had planned. I decided to take us all out to a hibachi lunch....expensive but worth it. I ordered an extra plate of food for my husband to go, and purposely only ate a little of my plate so I could save it for later. I specifically told the kids that this was for us...my husband and I....and not to eat it. What did they do? Ate every bite when we were swimming...didn't even ask permission, then left a huge mess that attracted ants all over our campground.
My husband doesn't understand why I was upset about this. Keep in mind, a hibachi lunch special for 6 people was $130. I felt incredibly disrespected and used.
Then, when we got home, they just kept saying, "When's dinner? What's for dinner? What are you cooking?" No compliments to my cooking, no please or thank yous, no offering to help. Then, they didn't clean up. Even though they usually have nightly chores, the same every night. But they haven't been doing it and my husband doesn't say a word. Three of my four step kids are teenagers....almost 15, 16, and 17... It's been made very clear that while I'm expected to tell them what to do, I can't follow up with any consequences or discipline. And that's fine....when my husband handles it. But this entire month, he just hasn't.
I'm tired of them using my shower, using my expensive shampoo, and leaving their dirty clothes on the floor. They use my expensive facial products without asking. They make funny faces when I tell them no, I don't have a face mask they can use. They don't flush the toilet.
I have so much more. I could go on and on. I don't know what to do any more. When I try to talk to my husband, he just gets really defensive...he doesn't listen and he doesn't understand. I normally have no complaints about my husband...but I'm tired of feeling like my only two options are to ignore behavior and suffer in silence...or try to confront the situation and end up having a huge argument with the man I love.
Repeat after me...Boundaries.
Repeat after me...Boundaries.
You need to find yours.
For one...No freaking kids in your bedroom...AT ALL
If you DH doesn't like it....To effing bad. I would flip out if I found one of my skids sleeping in my bed. I'm pissed off for you.
These people are taking advantage of you because you are allowing it.
I'd be having a serious talk with DH about this. If he can't parent his kids and thinks you should forfeit something as precious as personal space (your freaking bed) than you need to get your own place. I could never live like that, and I put up with a lot in stephell, but I refuse to allow skids in my bedroom or master bathroom. The few times DH has allowed it, I told him and skids that I WAS NOT SHARING my room. If they didn't stop invading my space, one of the skids was losing a room. I'm not paying 1/2 the bills on a 4 bedroom home when I don't even get one room that I can retreat too.
I would find a summer job to
I would find a summer job to get out of the house. Or a Hobby. The seem old enough to look after themselves so you don't need to be there constantly.
I would also wake their happy fannies up at 7 am to clean up any mess they left the night before. And if DH didn't like it, he can start cleaning it all up before he goes to work. Stop cooking, buy lunch meat, hotdogs and other things the kids can fix themselves. They won't starve. And stop buying snacks or limit them. If they eat all the snacks in one evening, then they get no more until the next shopping trip.
Your bathroom should be off limits. If you help pay the bills, then the kids should abide by your rules too. Your personal items, off limits.
Stop expecting your DH to handle it because he won't. And your Skids will continue to walk over you until you set up some boundaries.
Stop carrying if your DH gets mad and tell him he can either get them under control or you will.
Been there, done that.
Look on the bright side....At least they won't be coming much longer. The will age out soon enough and stop coming for summers.
Well, get used to the huge
Well, get used to the huge arguments. Because you will spiral down into depression if you don't speak up.
I wish you could pack up your kids and stay at one of those old-fashioned summer camps all the weeks the skids are there and have dh use a cleaning service to get the house ready the day before you get back.
That's the dream. Sigh.
Welcome to ST. We all know how you feel. I recommend you start taking action. Like locking up your stuff. Telling your dh to cook for his kids, you are taking yours out because dishes and mess. If the house is left like a rave just ended, use dh's money to pay for cleaning service. Go to the lake with your kids but not his. Etc. Get creative.
Men in this situation seem to tune you out. So you have to take action. It's the only thing they understand.
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
YES! I love your response
YES! I love your response SUEU2!!! love it! do it! you have to stand up for yourself. it is your home also. do not let the man or his kids do this to you or make you feel like you can't feel at home in your home. they will be surprised I bet - and you will reap the rewards. I know women feel like a beeyotch when we stand up for ourselves or made to feel like one but it's really ok. we have to. speak your mind PLEASE! using your things without even asking is beyond disrespectful. and quit buying more food - exactly. they honestly should be out having summer jobs in my opinion. the two oldest ones. why not?
I'm so sorry, but I had to
I'm so sorry, but I had to chuckle at this: "They've been eating me out of house and home, not asking permission to do things, going through my room and personal items, invading my personal space, falling asleep in my bed while cuddling with my husband, and then I get completely ignored with not so much as a thank you or a smile." You just explained the realities for many of us so well!! You can't act like a mom to them, but they can treat you like a mom (the bad part), only you get no thanks, appreciation or respect. No Mother's Day card for you. All you get for your efforts is being accused of causing a rift in the family (Nope! Dad and mom's split did that), and getting seated in the back row as far away from BM and DH as possible at family events. Dad is training them to think of you as a servant to him, them, and probably BM too.
Once they become adults, you could be looking at the adult equivalent of this too. Who knows? Yes, they are sweet kids going through a rough time, but like the first poster said right off the bat, boundaries still need to be set for them, primarily by DH. He is not doing these kids any favors thinking whatever they want for the taking is theirs. Daddy probably loves all of the attention, good and bad, focused on him, but he is actually setting his children, you and even himself up for failure. No one wants to be treated like sloppy seconds or thirds in their own home. You are dad's wife. You are not the family servant/ punching bag.
Read the book, Boundaries by
Read the book, Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor. If Dh won't go, go alone.
I want to underline a word
I want to underline a word idliven used: "training."
Every time you silently suck it up, you are training these skids to repeat their behavior.
Every time you suck it up silently, you are training DH that all is well.
You cannot use the tools regular mothers use, we all know that. But you do have to find a way to make their bad behavior cost them something. Right now it is costing you something, not them. You can't ground them, but you can take your kids somewhere and leave them behind. You can refuse to cook. You can use dh's credit card to hire a cleaning service.
Right now you are training them that all is well, you will let them eat your food, clean their mess, etc. Stop training them that!
In fact, here's a coping trick. From now on when you look at these skids see the faces of seals. Now you can train these seals to balance a ball on their noses or you can train them to head butt you into a pile of slop. Which will it be?
Coming from someone who had
Coming from someone who had very little self value in the past, it took me lots or work on myself first before I could set boundaries. I swear I came out of my mother with a door mat around me! I had to read many books, do lots of daily affirmations and have emotionally painful therapy so that, finally, I was able to realize that DH has it good. Then and only then was I able to teach DH how to treat me, and in turn demand respect and appreciation from skids. (I will never get appreciated that's a given) but I absolutely will be respected.
My advice is to make your own self-respect a priority. Even over your own children. Do whatever it takes to value and love YOU. Go to the lake by yourself.....it's very hard for those of us who naturally are good at care taking to put ourselves first. Your career choice reveals the loving carer in you (I went into nursing). All it takes is a man with kids and we lie down so they can wipe their feet on us
Sorry got cut off.....take it
Sorry got cut off.....take it slowly at first and be good to you!!!
wow U and I are in very
wow U and I are in very similar situations. The kids, he has 4 and i have 1 (my son lives with us and pays room and board). his children used to only visit during the summer and I also had a very difficult time for alot of the same reasons. For years i have kept my mouth shut. Well, fast forward and the kids are now young adults except for the youngest who is 17. I have learned to do what I want when I want and let him take care of them. I put away my personal stuff (no access) and I only cook for the family if i feel like it. Otherwise, I simply state, "not cooking tonight folks fend for yourself". It is very challenging and I feel your pain. You are not alone.