How to keep SD away
Thank you lord for this forum. I thought I was alone and a horrible person for what is turning into a lot of resentment and annoyance toward my SD9. Thank you in advance for understanding, not judging, and being there to listen to the rants I could never utter out loud.
So DH and I have been married 4 years. At first I adored SD9 like my own. Btw I have 2 kids of my own who are teens. Since those joyful early times, we have engaged in a several years long legal battle with BM, which has broken me emotionally, and financially. We're going to have to file BK due to the overwhelming lawyer bills. So there's layer one of resentment...not remotely the kid's fault. Of course BM, our legal opponent and a disgusting human in my eyes, makes me out as the bad guy. The kid is smart though, so not the biggest problem.
I just have this build up of illogical resentment that I know is wrong but I can't seem to move past. Everything annoys me. First off, I can't look at her anymore without seeing her bitch mom's face. On the note of appearances, I'm embarrassed of how she looks. My former pretty princess now wears only sloppy Walmart boys clothes, cut her hair short and died it green. SHES 9! I don't approve of elemtary kids dying their hair, but I get no say in the matter. She doesn't own a decent outfit I can take her in public wearing. Everyone thinks she's a boy due to these changes. Surely her mom should have seen how this would play out, but here I am wondering if this is causing a little damage each time someone mistakes her gender.
PLEASE NOTE THAT I KNOW THIS PART IS ALL MY PROBLEM AND I SHOULD SHUT UP AND ACCEPT IT. IF SHE WERE TRANSGENDER OR WHATEVER I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM. I have a bio kid that is gay. But that kid takes care of her appearance and doesn't look like 9yo Seattle grunge reject. My biggest concern about her appearance is that hurt on her face every time a waiter or somebody assumes she's a boy. And taking her in public, well, people see her sloppy appearance and judge me as a white trash mother. I know I'm not supposed to care what people think, but I do to an extent and this is a stuck up area we live in. I HAVE NEVER SAID A NEGATIVE WORD ABOUT THIS AND WOULD NOT WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS OR SEEM UNSUPPORTIVE. I assume she has no clue that I don't approve of her fashion choices. I've never even told her to change into "nicer clothes" like I would have done to my own kids, because she would be hurt, hate me, and certainly throw her usual tear filled fit. And she doesn't own any. Don't get me started on taking her shopping for nice clothes; I don't think I will ever put myself through that again. Btw her mom is rich so there is no financial reason she looks so sloppy.
Anyway, she's also very attention needy and it drives me nuts. I really wish I could ban her from my personal space but that would be pretty double standard because of my kids. I work from home, and my office space is joined with my bedroom so I'm always in my room. I cringe every time she walks in and in my mind im giving her stink eye and screaming get out. She walks in, interrupts, or just stares cuz she bored. There's only so many times I can tell her go find something to do. I'm always giving hubby ideas on things to do or places to take her so they won't be in my space. I make sure there is plenty of solo time for her and daddy because I'm really to the point where I don't want to interact with her and can't wait until she goes back to her BM.
My DH is wonderful and receptive to my parenting seniority and suggestions. He's a great dad and has picked up his parenting game to form a unified parenting team with me and provide a structured environment, which hardly matters cuz it's out the window once she goes back to her mom. She's a great kid. But due to reasons beyond her control I can no longer stand being around her. I'm sick of her picky nonsense, crying, ungrateful attitude, and complete lack of understanding that the world doesn't revolve around her and her feelings. I know it's normal kid stuff, but I'm somewhat helpless to correct the situation due to her mom undermining. She stays with us for months in the summer. I work from home so I'm SOL while DH works outside of home. I can't get any work done cuz she's always hovering and won't keep herself entertained. That hits us in the bank acct, which is already strained from her visit and general increased expenses during summer. I just want to barricade myself away while she's here. Kiss my husband bye and say "Good luck raising your kid, see you in two months, love you!" Then lock the door. I'm a jerk. A tired, stressed, overwhelmed jerk.
I'm going to do some therapy to get over these feelings hopefully. Any suggestions on coexisting in my situation so I don't make her feel like I hate her? Don't tell me to schedule special solo time bonding with SD. Done plenty of that and it's not what I need right now.
And I don't want to present anything to my hubby that makes it evident I'm sick of his kid. Doing my best to hide that. I would never want to hurt either of them with my secret shitty attitude. But how I really feel is raise your own kid and keep her away from me. I've done my tour of duty.
You keep SD away by getting a
You keep SD away by getting a divorce.
Just to clarify, my husband
Just to clarify, my husband got divorced when she was just a toddler. So he had been doing fly by the seat of his pants bachelor parenting. He was largely guided by guilt, and BM is a narcissist and largely uninvolved mother who basically left it up to her teen daughters to raise my SD. Things were unstructured and completely permissive. Fortunately the kid was an angel rather than turned out to be a monster. But there's some issues as a result of that situation, such as the mentioned excessive attention seeking and self centered view. She needs to not be coddled and treated like a princess.
My husband has been receptive to my advice on parenting because he was really clueless on what to do other than love his kid. I taught him some basics and leave it up to him to implement. Being a good parent isn't letting a kid do whatever she wants all the time and run the show. This is for everyone's good, especially my own. I can't live with nonsense like messes left everywhere, every meal being rejected, interrupting adults talking, and other basics she should have already learned. I advise, he implements. He does actually appreciate the guidance.
Regarding the clothes, he just doesn't care what she looks like. He's always super casually dressed and just doesn't think about that stuff. . If I say something, he will tell her to change but she knows the order came from me. For instance I expected real clothes for my Christmas party and pushed the issue. Forcing her to change out of sweatpants resulted in tears and drama, then compromise. This short green hair and sloppy boy clothes is embarrassing to me, so I don't take her out but have never said anything about her appearance. He doesnt approve of the hair dye either, but it wasn't our choice so whatever. I taught my kids there are social expectations on how we dress and that you can't just wear whatever the hell you want all the time. We all have dress codes for school, work, social functions, church, etc. I'd love to be comfortable in pajamas 24/7! This is one of those choose your battles situation, and it's easy enough to just avoid going out with her. I got her a sitter and would not take her to a family function this weekend because I wasn't going to deal with the appearance stuff and attention needing crap. I didn't specify that was why or give them choice in the matter. Just arranged it and no one questioned it. My kids accompanied me and looked their best as was appropriate for the situation.
Ironically, motherhood did not prepare me for stepmotherhood.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with expecting kids to be appropriately dressed.
I agree with Hereiam, there
I agree with Hereiam, there is nothing wrong with expecting a kid to be dressed appropriately, I will also add there is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to see to it that it happens. I don't think makes you shallow either as others have expressed, life is hard, learn the rules when you're a kid and it makes it a lot easier later.
Well said LadyFace! Exactly
Well said LadyFace! Exactly what I mean though I couldn't phrase eloquently in my frustration.
@ Heavenlike- Yup, so shallow
@ Heavenlike-
Yup, so shallow to not want her looking like she's homeless at a memorial, fancy restaurant, or event. Perhaps you're unaware that places have dress codes. At no point have I taught my kids to value people based on their appearance. There's a big difference between that and expecting people to dress appropriately and respectfully for the situation. AND AS I SAID, THIS IS MY INNER OPINION. I've had her change clothes exactly one time and that's not unreasonable at all. And yeah, it was an oh so special last Christmas party for a dying relative.
On the same token, why should I care that you don't like me? Maybe don't attack people for ranting on a step parent rant forum. Or at least read more carefully before you criticize. I'm plenty relaxed and her parents are raising her how they seem fit. And that does affect me in the negative. It affects me when I can't get work done cuz she's staring at me bored. It affects my family when we can't carry out our plans cuz she spent two hours crying and fighting every meal that isn't mac n cheese. It affects me when her self centered behavior hurts my kids. She doesn't get to live her life in an all about me bubble. The real world requires you to take other people into consideration and not always get your way.
If you don't like my attitude in my post, feel free to move on instead of troll the board with unhelpful attacking commentary. We're supposed to be able to speak freely here, and I'm happy to have someplace to vent all the things I internalize and will never say to anyone.
To clarify, he mostly can
To clarify, he mostly can dress in jeans and tshirts. I would love it if she could up her game to that basic level. JEANS AND TSHIRT WOULD BE FANTASTIC FOR HER TO WEAR. DH certainly dresses appropriately for the situation. And even on casual errands he would never leave the house looking sloppy or even in sweats.
Really, how she dresses isn't that big of a deal. That's simple to cope with, I don't say a word about how she looks and just don't accompany her on outings. I hate that she gets her feelings hurt by other people's comments, but it's not my lesson to teach. Mainly I just wanted to get all this griping out of my system since it was reaching its peak. And I feel much better. Now I need to find the nicest way to ensure I get my space.
Welcome to the site! You
Welcome to the site! You shouldn't have to try and work from home while minding a 9 yr old. It's on your DH to provide childcare - you are no more available to do this than if you were working outside the home. I would suggest that your angry feelings are principally because your boundaries are being violated - by your DH, not by the child.
It is not on you that there have been expensive legal issues that have caused you and your DH money problems - it is NOT up to you to pick up the slack.
I would also suggest you read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin.
Thanks! I ordered the book
Thanks! I ordered the book immediately on your suggestion.
Oh I do make him do all the
Oh I do make him do all the parenting work. He's never expected me to do those things. He's very a involved parent. I'm sure he would expect me not to hate his kid though, especially since mine live with us full time.
My parenting guidance is along the lines of keeping my own sanity. Setting expectations of living in my household...don't leave every single light on, put up your plate cup dirty napkins, clean up your damn paint spills and clay messes, not letting her skip vegetables and still getting a dessert or snack. I gave him the guidelines and now leave it in his hands. He's the one who's in trouble when there's greasy handprints or messes left everywhere.
I would talk to DH about
I would talk to DH about boundaries. SD needs to stay out of your bedroom/work area. Especially during work hours. You are at work. If that means your DH has to find child care or camp, than so be it. Would your DH be able or want to take SD to work with him every day. NO. So you shouldn't be expected to either.
I also work from home.
I also work from home. Before DH and I even moved in together I made it clear that my working from home did not equate to free daycare for the SS's. DH and BM didn't take me seriously. They both tried to force the issue. It caused a ton of resentment toward DH, BM and the SS's. They were horrible little beasts who refused to listen to me, terrorized my own BS, made huge messes and tried to run the house. I would try to reign them in but was basically ignored.
I finally snapped and told them all that I was done...no more...get a sitter, daycare or whatever but I was done.
That caused huge drama between me and BM (which was already strained) and then BM helped hand grenade what little relationship I had left with my SS's.
My point in telling you this is that you need to put your foot down, get her into some daycamps for kids, get your DH to take her to her grandparents, relatives, daycare whatever. You are being forced to do things you don't want to and it is affecting how you feel about your SD.
Explain it to your DH just like that. Tell him you are struggling to get work done, it is causing you resentment and you are afraid if it continues, it will ruin your relationship with your SD. Explain that is not what you want to happen but for everyones sake, get her into daycare.
Ok - now multiply that by 2
Ok - now multiply that by 2 and add one more. I have twin SD9 and SD12, also BD12 and BD 15. I also work from home a couple of days a week and in the office a couple of days. I work on the kitchen table and when I'm working, I don't allow any of them in the room, I make them eat outside on the patio table.
Also, BM is homeless!! Imagine that! BM is now only taking them every other weekend to a motel room if she can afford it.
Shut your door when you are working, she can watch TV, go outside and ride her bike or keep herself entertained in other ways. Do you have a trampoline? Our girls use this for hours and hours, does she have a bike? Are there neighborhood friends around?
Dear god, my heart goes out
Dear god, my heart goes out to you!
I won't leave the house with
I won't leave the house with my skids if they aren't dressed correctly, plain and simple. I will be ready to walk out the door for dinner and if they walk up in ripped clothes looking like ragamuffins I will put my stuff down, claim my stomach hurts and to go without me. My SO knows this now and monitors what they are wearing so we do make it out to eat now. People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated, don't take the kid out anymore and eventually your DH will learn.
Tell your dh the kid needs
Tell your dh the kid needs enrichment for the summer. She doesn't have anyone to play with and it's unfair to her. So sign her up for a summer camp. It can be day camp. Art, science, horses -- there are millions to choose from. Find the money somewhere- it is an investment for your sanity and to save your marriage.
And it genuinely will be good for the child. Win win.
Now I just need to find the
Now I just need to find the nicest possible way to ban her from my bedroom while still allowing my kids and cat access. During work hours is easy enough to put my foot down, but I don't really want her in here at any time.
How do you tell a 9 year old
How do you tell a 9 year old child that you don't want to be around her while still letting "your" kids (and cat) have free access? I don't think there is any way you can put a positive spin on that. For the sake of the child, find her a welcoming place - sitter, daycare, other relative, any place that wants her company.
No there isn't any nice way
No there isn't any nice way to do it. I just had a heart to heart with DH and explained my need for space but not wanting to address it to her and hurt her feelings. He completely understood and is going to help steer her gently to finding other things to do. I expressed that I need privacy and quiet but I don't want to hurt her feelings or give the wrong impression.
The difference isn't that I just don't want SD around. My kids are older teens. They come in for a reason and then leave. They don't stand here and stare at me because they're bored or poke around in my business. They don't jump around and act like hyper 9 year olds. I can also tell them to get the heck out and stop interupting me. I can't be abrupt with her so I needed to find a gentler way to have my safe haven.
I'm quite certain that my frustrated rant last night came out super harsh and likely didn't reflect all my true feelings, just the negative ones that had built up. . But you know what? I FEEL SO MUCH CALMER AND LESS FRUSTRATED AFTER LETTING IT OUT! My spouse and I were able to kindly talk about the issues and find constructive ways to balance things out.
By setting expectations and
By setting expectations and boundaries in advance. She is certainly not too young to remember and is incredibly smart. She just needs reminders that aren't always coming from me. Since I don't vocalize my frustrations he really doesn't notice when she's adding to my stress or that I need more space. DH needed the yearly reminder that summers are tough on me and we need to have plans in place to keep her occupied in and out of the house. We've already modified his work schedule heavily so that he's with her as much as possible, and we find plenty of peer activities for her to engage in. Hopefully we can afford to add more.
You can make up rules that
You can make up rules that make sense and work for everybody.
You must be at least X years old to be in the office.
You must have X amount of As on your report card.
You must have done X amount of chores.
You must read quietly in the corner if you are in this office.
None of these are personal to her. If she complies with such rules as a chore quota and quiet self directed behavior, she would likely be as welcome as the other kids, right? So give her something to reach for that works for you if your only option is to continue to be the babysitter.
Or alternatively make the rules so unobtainable and her room so attractive that she stays in there.
But really I do believe it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to be effectively alone all day I would much rather see her in a day camp with peers.