House buying drama
I'm a long time lurker but my situation has reached a point where i really need some advice. I've been with my partner for 3 years now. I have 3 bios, DD15, DS13 and DS11. He has 3 DD12 DD10 DS7.
He had been living in my (rented) house for a couple of years (without contributing much) but after constant arguments over money and parenting issues, I said we needed to live apart for now and work on our problems. DP is not working so has a very low income but has an unrealistic expectation of what his kids should have. He wanted to combine finances with me so he could splash my cash on them. They are brats who constantly ask for stuff and think they are entitled to everything, whereas my kids have chores and an allowance on the understanding that they are responsible for saving to buy gifts for friends and family as well as treats for themselves; wants as opposed to needs.
Once he moved out, it was such a relief. I was no longer funding his time with his kids and driving them to school miles away. I felt free again and my kids were happier too. I learned to set boundaries and we went back to dating with him staying a few nights a week when his kids were with BM. She was furious. She decided that the skids wouldn't be staying overnight with their dad as he didn't have enough resources or a nice enough place. I reluctantly agreed to them staying 1 night every other weekend as I felt sorry for him.
Before he moved out we had talked about buying a house together but again he had such unrealistic expectations. I had been waiting almost 4 years for my divorce settlement and finally my house sold (my ex lives there) so I will soon be in a position to buy a house for me and my kids. I can't afford a bigger house so his kids can have rooms. He has nothing financial to add to the house purchase and he has never been a homeowner. He wants me to buy a run down wreck and says he will do the work. I think it's too risky and tbh the relationship is still shaky. He's telling his kids about the awesome house "we" are going to buy, having their own rooms and all sorts of extravagant features.
What do I do here? I don't want to hurt him or his brats but I end up hurting myself and mine.
Sorry for the long post.
He's a mooch. To put it
He's a mooch. To put it kindly.
Take care of yourself and your own children, buy a nice house for YOU and YOUR kids. Dump him and don't look back! He thinks it's okay to use you like this and it will only get worse!
RUN RUN RUN.
You got away from this mess
You got away from this mess because it was making you miserable. Don't let him suck you back in. It's way too risky to buy some rundown house. What if he bails on doing the work or the relationship ends? Then you are stuck with a house you don't want and that you might not be able to sell.
Put your foot down. No more overnights for his kids and you buy a house for you and yours only. If he isn't just in it for the money, he will understand. If he throws a fit because you won't provide his kids with a house, then there is your answer.
OMG! I just divorced a man
OMG! I just divorced a man who had nothing and used me to supplement his kids. Do NOT get involved with him. You felt great when he wasn't there and you weren't paying and vicariously paying for him to indulge his ego and his kids. No. No. No. There is no reason to finance him. He is a grown man. Let him take care of his kids, not you!!
What?!? What do you do here?
What?!?
What do you do here? You already know, don't be stupid.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the validation I needed. He tries to convince me that I have emotional problems or that I'm depressed and that's why I won't commit and give him everything he wants. The classic "if you loved me you would" I knew my gut feelings were not abnormal. I'm looking at houses today by myself and getting my finances in order.
A few days ago we had a very revealing conversation. I explained to him that if we bought a house together I would be protecting the assets that I had prior to the relationship. He actually thought he'd be entitled to 50% even though he's aware I was awarded 70% in my divorce as I have a severely disabled son. I was accused of being obsessed with money and wanting to screw him over if we split. He thinks his kids should be as entitled as mine. Wtf?
Follow your gut. He is not
Follow your gut. He is not capable of being your equity life partner on many levels (Financial, parenting, etc...) so I would say that you need to put he and his brat spawn in your rear view mirror.
Don't get me wrong. There is far more to equity life partnership than just financial considerations... however.... if he is not contributing financially then he had better be stepping up in many other areas.
Which he isn't. I can't rely
Which he isn't. I can't rely on him.
As I suspected. You know
As I suspected. You know what you have to do for yourself and your kids. Start your new life adventure and when the right partner who is your equity life partner in all ways comes along.... enjoy.
Take care of you.
He might be right that you
He might be right that you are depressed. I'd be depressed having this grown ass man to support. What for??? Be done already
He's gaslighting you. He's
He's gaslighting you. He's an abuser. Get him out of your life completely.
This is what I believe too. I
This is what I believe too. I told him a few days ago that I wouldn't be buying with him yet he continues as if I never said that. I told him today that I have been looking at houses just for me and my kids and he's talking about how much he could save to help. Wtf?
Granny Goose has got it...
Granny Goose has got it... this guy is gas lighting you all the way. RUN!
Oh lord...Buy your own house
Oh lord...Buy your own house and do NOT allow him to bring his children over to stay anymore. His financial problems are just that..HIS. If you allow him to move in and mooch off you, he will never leave. He is messing with your head with all the "if you loved me crap".
He is expecting you to take care of him and his children. Do NOT do it.
You said your kids are happier....remember that. Don't take that security and happiness away from your kids to help a selfish manipulative man.
He has no money yet wants you
He has no money yet wants you to buy a dump of a house so his kids can have their own rooms!!!!
Girl get away from this mooch.
just tell him you're renting.
just tell him you're renting. lol
He won't stop abusing and
He won't stop abusing and gaslighting you until you move away and force no contact on him. Unfortunately there are a lot of guys out there with no equity, looking for a nurse or a purse. And those guys are hugely risky to partner up with in middle age...you cannot afford to support him and three extra kids.
Yes, you will have to give up the relationship,and stop being a soft touch (why are you letting them all stay over?). Sure there will be hurt all round but that was sure to happen the moment you two got together.
The sooner you deliver the bad news the sooner your new life can start. Expect some more trash talk from him, thus a good reason to disappear from his radar asap.
I want to say thanks to
I want to say thanks to everyone who responded. I really appreciate your honesty and kindness. Since yesterday this man thought it was OK to make an offer on a run down house previously dismissed by me due to it being a bad investment. Without even telling me. Obviously that sealed his fate. Like really? Who does that? :jawdrop:
No access to any of my
No access to any of my accounts nor does he have a key to my house. Because I "wasn't committed" to the relationship.