I feel terrible but I just don't like my stepson
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I have 2 boys age 15 and 10, I also have 2 stepsons aged 7 and 3. I have bonded really well with the 3yr old but I just cannot bring myself to like the 7yr old. He's rude, ungrateful, often tries to ruin any activities we do. He isn't even nice to his biological brother, I just don't know what to do.
do nothing, he's not your
do nothing, he's not your child thus not your problem.
You can simply disengage from him and have fun with the other children who respects you, SS7 will soon see if he's nice you play if he's an ass you ignore....
what's your partner stand on this, support or telling you, you do not like my kid, your partner should be handling his kid's rude behavior
What do you recommend when
What do you recommend when your trying to disengage so resentment doesn't consume you, but partner makes it out like not liking his kids means your destroying the family?
Granted I let him know firmly that this family was broken before I ever got into the picture--but he acts as if the personality conflicts between his daughter and I are what will ruin our marriage. It feels like he's wanting me to accept unacceptable behavior and pretend everything is ok when its not.
The more boldly I try to express myself--the more boldly I get shot down.
Hi ChelleBelle77 -
Hi ChelleBelle77 -
I just joined this site because I am at my wits end. Your story sounds exactly like mine - and sadly, like many others. That useless word "disengage," often means in reality the following: "If you want to have any life with your divorce guilt-ridden spouse/partner, you'll stay quiet, let your stepkids abuse you and let your partner/spouse abuse you on top of that by allowing your stepkids to treat you like that. My partner has ignored his kids' horrible behavior time after time, for fear of their abandoning him, for the guilt HE feels about his ex-wife leaving HIM when SHE was cheating on him with several men! Even now, that the ex-wife and mother of his kids drinks all the time and gets mad at them, my partner still lets them treat us like we are their slaves. Their attitudes aren't even whiny, they are like arrogant, know-it-all, abusive slavelords and I'm supposed to just "walk away," or "disengage." My stepson, particularly, is the worst offender of this behavior. At 14, he calmly and arrogantly says to his father, "Get me some food now." When his father says, "Don't talk like that to me," his son literally knocks on his father's head and says with a laugh, "Knock, knock, is anybody in there? Your job is to cook for me." I was seething. My partner tells me that I shouldn't get so angry because his son's comments are not said to me directly. WTH? Seriously?!? Divorce guilt and manipulative children are NO excuse for such horrible behavior. It's one thing for kids to be whiny and cry, maybe even yell. But when a kid acts so arrogantly in a calm, condescending way, and he takes real pleasure in putting down or hurting the very people who take care of him, no counselor/psychologist or "disengaging" is going to change that. Kids need discipline and I am just about at the end of my rope with this kid, to the point where I am physically ill over it. I work hard, I'm a teacher, I am responsible, and I love children, but I believe in being a child's parent NOT their buddy. But it is so hard to sit here with my partner, whom I love so much and who is so good to me and my own daughter other than these days when his son is with us, that it is hard for me to leave. My partner clearly needs counseling, but refuses to go. I am so sick inside. I hope that your situation has gotten better - and if so, how did you handle it?
My partner won't say anything
My partner won't say anything to ss7 because last time he did ss7 refused to see his father for 3 months, as a result the ex wouldn't let him see ss3 either. This child seems to manipulate situations to suit himself and I find it quite disturbing from a 7yr old. I also cannot comprehend how my partner and his ex allow this to happen.
^^^^^ Absolutely this.
^^^^^ Absolutely this.
That's your bigger problem
That's your bigger problem right there. Your skids are young and if your DH won't actively discipline them now and allows them to manipulate him then that situation is only going to get worse as they get older!
Not liking a step-child is hard enough but not being united (ie a team) with your partner on parenting and then having to deal with terrible behaviour from your skids will be the killer.
As hard as it might be, I'd be getting out if I was you as otherwise you're in for 15 odd years of pain!
DH and you both need to
DH and you both need to confront his inappropriate and disruptive behavior each and every time. If he is interfering in everyone else's enjoyment of an activity plant him in the nearest corner with his nose in contact with both walls until he extricates his head from his butt and the rest of you go on enjoying yourselves.
If more focused intervention is required..... SENTENCES..... tens of thousands of them over as long as it takes for him to catch a clue.
Keep the sentences focused on his infraction e.g. "I will participate in family activities without complaint and I will not in any way interfere in the rest of the family's enjoyment of the activity." x1000 all in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, perfect punctuation at a rate of ~180/hr in an isolated area with no other stimulation available. Missed hourly quotas doubles the number, poor handwriting doubles the number of sentence, etc.......
This does two things, it applies consequences to the kid for his chosen inappropriate behavior and it gets him away from everyone else to give the rest of the family a break from the moody kid's crap.
And the best part.... when the kid hits his early teens he will have the most beautiful handwriting imaginable. }:)
We started this with SS when he was ~8.
Be careful not to make it a punishment for everyone else in the family though. We learned that to keep him writing on weekends interfered in our weekend so we adjusted the method to include him all of our activities away from the house but when we were in the house he was writing sentences until he finished them all. Our logic was that if he was not doing what he should be doing when he was supposed to be working and interfacing with the family pleasantly he could write sentences when he was supposed to be goofing off.
This sounds extremely
This sounds extremely effective, because according to kid logic, from what I have observed, if you are not specific enough, they find "holes" to escape through, and use kid logic against you in argument.
For example, Winona SD18 is a verbal abuser, ever since I've known her from 15 on. But when called on it, she will exclaim that "she didn't do anything!!!!!!!"
"Well, you had a bad attitude, and you mistreated your sister with your verbal interactions", something very specific, should have been stated, with repercussions that were immediately applied, but this unfortunately never happened. And she continues, although it is less frequent now, thankfully.
I feel the same way about my
I feel the same way about my 13 year old step daughter. I dread every other weekend when she comes over. I could cry with relief when she leaves. She brings nothing but drama and upsetness while she is there.
I have tried really hard to like her and every time I think there may be hope she makes the weekend hell.
16 years of pure HELL here!!
16 years of pure HELL here!! It was awesome 8 years ago when she no longer came around!! But in the last 8 years when she does come around it call my DH, it's nothing but drama! I cannot stand her, don't want to be anywhere around any of those evil ppl that are kin to her on her mom's side!
I just cannot bring myself to
I just cannot bring myself to like the 7yr old. He's rude, ungrateful, often tries to ruin any activities we do. He isn't even nice to his biological brother, I just don't know what to do.
Just a thought: He's a congenital asshole. As to which side of the family he got that trait, you may never know. I'm sure that nobody on either side of his family would accept the blame.
That said, here's what I recommend you do: Call out the behavior. He thinks he can behave antisocially because he's never felt any guilt or bad feelings for it. Once you make him aware that you're aware, that opens the dialogue. Say for instance, he interrupts you having a conversation with DH to talk to DH, as if you're not there. Stop him and say, "DH Jr, your dad and I were having a conversation. Do you think it's polite to interrupt adults without first asking permission?" Do it in front of DH, because it seems like DH might need a little added strength in handling this.
Read the book Boundaries With Kids - it's super helpful!