Living with partner in home he shared with his ex-wife
Over a year ago, after 2 years of dating, I moved into my partner’s home that he once shared with his ex-wife and children. His daughter (17) and son (15) live with their dad 50% of the time. They would probably choose to live with him all the time if they thought it wouldn’t upset their mom. When I first moved in with my partner, it seemed like the obvious choice since it would be the least upsetting option to his kids. I am a child of divorce, so I try to be sensitive to what they are going through.
Their dad and I get along great – I can’t imagine being with anyone else besides him. We’ve had a few growing pains over the past year, but overall it’s been pretty great.
The problem is that after a year of living in the home – it still doesn’t feel like home to me, and I don’t think it ever will. It feels like the starter-home he shared with his ex-wife and kids. My partner never bothered to redecorate anything after the divorce, so the whole era of that marriage is still preserved throughout the home. I’ve tried to change up some things to make it more ‘me’, but it still doesn’t feel like my home. His daughter is also very protective of what changes can be made. She threw a fit when she thought we were going to remove a tacky wall hanging that had been up since she was a child, chosen by her mother of course. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells to not change things too much. Also, the home is a rather small townhouse that we are all crammed into. Even his son says we need a bigger place! But his daughter insists that he is not to sell the house, because it’s always been her home. Each of them has their own familiar spaces that’s theirs, but I don’t have an area that feels like an escape to me. It feels like I’m living in a relic of his past. I have suggested to him that we should talk about other options, one of them being we all move into a bigger home that better fits our needs. He was quick to point out that his daughter won’t be ok with this option. Another option would be for me to move out into a place of my own, and continue our relationship living separately. Neither of us like this option, but if he’s unwilling to move into a bigger place, I feel torn. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? We aren't married, but have talked about one day getting married.
No, I have not dealt with a
No, I have not dealt with a similar situation. But... I would not have to I don't think. Why let a kid dictate adult decisions and the family housing situation?
Time for a for sale sign and to get a new place IMHO. That he and you tolerate a kid dictating your relationship is mind boggling to me.
Kids don't direct, they follow and do what they are told when they are told until they launch. Then they can make their own decisions.... until then..... they get no say.
As for the decorating... redecorate .... and put any legacy crap from BM in SD's room and let her deal with it. Make the living spaces comfortable for you and your SO. The Skids can suck it up.
I'd like to disagree with
I'd like to disagree with Clever but she's right. If things are going now as you say, things won't likely change. There were NEVER consequences in our household even when the kid screamed/swore/punched walls. In counseling my husband said "Of course my wife is my priority". Years later (new counselor) he said "I lied".
With us things are better now that my SS21 is an adult. More so than his Disney Dad in a lot of ways. But over the course of the last 5 years of marriage we had crazy stuff going on because of the kid. We paid over $1500/m for him to rent a room so he didn't have to change schools when we moved, my husband and I shared a car (we are both gainfully employed but couldn't afford a down payment on a new house, the consolidation of two households cross country in paying movers, etc etc etc and have another new car payment and the little prince couldn't possibly have not had his own car once we moved), my husband was unemployed for awhile and paid college tuition (which he vowed would never happen) before the mortgage. The kid THIS WEEK for the first time made his bed when he stayed as a guest. At 21!
I don't like the fact that a
I don't like the fact that a child is dictating the decisions that a parent makes. I can understand that at her age, moving to a place not in her school district would be distressing. Since she is so close to technically being out of the home do you think you might get him to agree to make this change when she moves.. or at the very least a few years more when the 2nd child is out too?
Dad should definitely be telling his princess that home is where ever her family is, a house is just a house. Perhaps finding a home with some benefit the current one doesn't have.. like a pool or private bath for her, might make her a little more excited about the process.
He needs to make this about everyone needing more space vs erasing her past life.
Thanks for all the feedback.
Thanks for all the feedback. I'm not ok with his daughter calling the shots with something big like this. He feels so much guilt over the divorce and his daughter uses it to manipulate him. Kids are living with their parents longer, and I anticipate that they will likely try to live with dad for some time after high school. Their mom just recently got divorced from her second husband, and has already introduced them to the new guy she's involved with, so dad is definitely the more stable one for them. He's a great dad, but he's going to need to put his foot down!
He might be a fabulous dad,
He might be a fabulous dad, however he is allowing Princess to dictate your lives. Not good. There can be only ONE partner in his life. He cannot have you and his mini-wife. He will need to choose. I was dealing with shades of mini-wife, and decided that I would turn into "alpha female". No child dictates what happens in our home.
And I'm ok with moving to a
And I'm ok with moving to a place within the same school district. I'd rather move to another district over, but am willing to compromise on that for their sake.
One huge mistake to move into
One huge mistake to move into the ex marital home.
I refused point blank to do that, best decision i made.
As for the 17sd you have no hope of pleasing her. I would move out and if you really love this man wait until she leaves home or he grows some balls and stands upto her.
Didn't occur to me to ask my
Didn't occur to me to ask my daughter for her permission to sell the house where she grew up. Sure, we both cried when we pulled out of the driveway for the last time. That's just part of closing one chapter while opening another.
No way could I live in a house with ghosts like that, especially if I wasn't "allowed" to redecorate my own home. I'd stick to the plan of a new "us" home or you find a place of your own. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship--but do NOT lose yourself to this relationship. So many of us do until we finally wake up and wonder what the hell happened to us.
I had/have a similar
I had/have a similar situation. SO has lived in the same rental for about 12 years. We have been together for 3 years this July, and I have been living there full-time for 1 1/2 years.
SO, when the separation occurred, either sold or gave away everything from his life with BM. There are still a small few things (an odd lamp that both of us want to replace), and a few yucky pictures. When I moved in, all the Skids furniture was from BC (Before CLove, as I like to say), and he is still replacing things, but for the most part, its all different now.
I decided I needed a room of my own to do what I wanted since both Skids had their own rooms, and SO has his mancave. I took over the 2nd living room that has a fireplace
Made it my own.
SD18 has a deep attachment to the home and the way things were BC . She made a snarky comment when I first took over "my room", saying that she liked it better before, when there was a pool table and nothing else. And SD18 freaked when I put an original painting by a friend of mine (in the exact colors of the current paint color scheme - it really looks like it belongs there) in the main bathroom, after taking away a faded yucky framed poster. Kept repeating "where is it, what did you do with it!". I can understand, that she grew up there. But she will hopefully move on to her own place someday, and I wont have to worry about that aspect of being in the house where there was a "previous life with previous wife". However, as many have pointed out, that wont really and truly happen until we move from our current place and get a new "us" place to make new memories in. Our problem is that we have such an incredibly fabulous deal, we wont find anything like it anywhere. We have a ton of space, and a big yard in front and back (big by California standards!).
Yes, as everyone here has mentioned, the fact that kidling is allowed to dictate the living situation - MAJOR RED FLAG. And also keep in mind that these things don't get better, they get WORSE. Getting your ducks in a row, probably will involve you moving out to your own place, until you can resolve this conflict. When your SO understands that you are serious, and that his daughter dearest isn't really on the same page, hopefully he will start putting his foot down with her. Keep in mind "There can be only ONE", one partner, and that is YOU. He has to choose.
Non of this will get better
Non of this will get better once SD turns 18. People don't automatically mature when they reach a certain age. It's not like a light switch.
Even if she moves out to a place of her own, she will never want her childhood home to change.
You need to decide if you can continue to live like this, it won't likely change and you will spend years of your life waiting and wishing that it will.
If you can't live like this then move out and continue to date but put a time limit on it.
How long to you want to date and live separately? Don't back track and move back in if he says, SD says it's okay if you want to change things. Only move back in with him if he's willing to buy a new place.
Why did you move in? Did you
Why did you move in? Did you have to live with him and lose yourself in his shrine?
He may be an awesome dad however being an awesome dad trumps being an awesome partner in his world. In fact he probably isn't ready for a partner when he pays such credence to his daughters opinion.
I wonder what the plan is when SD goes off to college? Or is there going to be a shrine within a shrine (aka her bedroom)just in case she needs a place to stay up to 20 days a year?
Move out. Establish your OWN shrine to adulting, peace and you. SO can visit of course. But he cannot stay more than one night at a time. After all, he has his own shrine to maintain for his daughters enjoyment.
}:)
You are living in the "happy
You are living in the "happy family" museum. I don't envy you. No one likes a shrine to the ex. I think getting your own place until the snowflake moves out is your best shot at saving your relationship. But do you really want to be in a relationship with a man that can't stand up to his own child and take your feelings in to consideration?
He at least got a new mattress before bringing you in to his bed, right?
Did not read all the comments
Did not read all the comments - but I've been there lol.....
met SO 13 years ago and after 2 years I bought half of his and BM's house - he was in financial difficulties, Aergia did not live with us at this stage, just visited. And all the books tells you not to change the house for the sake of the kid, yes I did that, I did change the master bedroom and bathroom, then BM kicked Aergia out and she moved in....
After 2 years BM came back into the picture and suddenly I was pond scum and Aergia had a fit cause I changed mommy's room, I laughed and told her, it's my room and I will do what I want, just to proof a point, I changed everything else but her room, sorry my house and my rules, Aergia cried and cried and SO asked me not to change things, I looked at him and said, fine buy me out or keep quiet... First time Aergia heard I own 50%.... after 6 months of this she moved back to BM, all was fine, then 6 months later she moved back with us... I moved out to my own place and have been living there since, going for 5 years now.... Aergia is moving out next year, I will be moving back and I will change everything again, even the wall colors inside and out.... and SO does not know it yet - but the house will be going into the market.... we can buy a different house and start fresh. CAuse this house will always be SO's and BM's in Aergia's mind, I will always be the outsider and she will forever keep on telling me what to do
I don't care about Aergia's feelings....
In your case, I would get my own place, and disengage from the kids, then it's up to your SO to decide who's more important, and if you ever get a bigger place together, make sure 50% is in your name.