Now I Should Be Nice
As you know, we have moved away from SD56, who lived one block from us for 14 years. For 37 years, every time we moved, SD and family are right behind us. Old story;
This weekend is Easter and SD56 and SIL are coming to town to SGD31's house (10 miles from us) to spend the weekend and celebrate SD56's birthday (SGD's throwing a family dinner). Now SD's birthday isn't for two weeks, but we need to combine all Easter and her birthday, because SS58 and DIL are also coming here, from out of State, (for other reasons). So SGD31 texts DH and invites us to dinner. DH, nor any of the skids, have recognized birthdays, or any of my family, for years. I am totally disengaged and have no intention of returning their best wishes.
Now DH is a bit anxious, because he thinks we should all have a nice family dinner and celebrate. DH never learns, I'm here to tell you. DH is welcome to go and he knows that; but he never stops expecting me to "be nice", no matter how I am treated. DH has NEVER been mistreated by (1) member of my family, they adore DH, because I've NEVER talked trash about DH to anyone. DH just can't figure it out!
So again, even though I am totally disengaged (8 years), they seem to think I'm going to "get over it". I will not be attending dinner, so again, I will not be the "nice SM".
Another spoiled holiday. Ugh.....
Yes, DH talked trash to SD56
Yes, DH talked trash to SD56 for 12 years; I was oblivious to it, because I was busy working and providing health insurance for us. SD56 had a major meltdown and wrote me a two page hate email. I printed it out and showed it to DH.
Long story short, I have NEVER said a word to my family about what happened. I never responded to SD56, because she thrives on picking her own drama.
Lovely. The skids are great
Lovely. The skids are great at spoiling holidays.
OSD is coming to town for Easter to be with BMs family. Yet she has told DH she wants him to do the egg hunt again ( with money in the eggs because her kids have food allergies). He has to buy new plastic eggs everytime as they take them home.
He has not even told me when this is happening. Nor will he committ to going to church with me. So I guess he is waiting for the last minute call from OSD as to what will work for her schedule. He asked if we still had the plastic eggs so I knew something was up.
The irony is that this little tradition (my idea) was started just as I disengaged from the whole lot of them in 2012. I was so stressed the day it was to happen because of MSD living in my house for 5 weeks just out of jail. Anyway. Yes they sure know how to ruin each and every holiday.
I am going to go to the movies after church or take a very long drive if he does this on Easter Day. Especially if he does not tell me ahead of time.
I need to learn to expect nothing so I am not disappointed. But that is a heck of a way to live eh?
Just do your own thing and forget about them.
I asked DH yesterday, what
I asked DH yesterday, what are the plans for the weekend, everyone will be in town? He said "I don't know of any plans". I do know SGD31 texted and invited us to dinner Friday, no time, no information at all. BM will probably be there too.
I am going to do my own thing and believe me anything will be more pleasant that putting myself in that holiday group.
LostinSpaceandTime: I am
LostinSpaceandTime: I am curious, did your DH buy new plastic eggs and do the Easter Egg hunt?
Did he let you know what was going down?
It amazes me how our DH's take us with a grain of salt and think we should always be at their elbows with a smile.
My Easter was SD, SIL, and SGD free. It was great! OSS and DIL stopped in to visit (from out of State) for two hours on Saturday; DH went to SGD's for dinner in the evening, I stayed home and had a nice glass of wine and watched a move, and DH and I had a nice dinner (which I happily prepared for us) Easter Sunday.
Another successful holiday in regards to my disengagement. There is always a plan in the making with my SD and SGD; but I take it one day at a time.
I hope you had a stress free Easter.
Hi Sammigirl. Yes my DH went
Hi Sammigirl. Yes my DH went on Saturday morning to get the plastic eggs. He let me know what time it was going to be later in the day. He had only just told me about it Friday night. But I know it was in the works for over a week. Of course he had to wait to know what time OSD would arrive. So my whole Easter weekend was tainted with the skids again. And he did not even remember that the egg hunt had been my idea to start as a tradition in 2012. But I could not even get out of bed that day due to the stress from MSD squatting in my house and YSD texting me nasty messages.
DH was patting himself on the back Saturday for thinking of doing the egg hunt for the GKids , I reminded him it was all my idea, I had bought everything in readiness for that first one. No wonder the skids never thanked me for anything if DH always todo the credit.
And it turns out that BM arrived with OSD to the egg hunt that was being done at YSD house. YSD was not home, but her two boys were there with wife beater husband. OSD son had to leave to go back home with his Dad because of a fever. OSD two kids had just spent the week at the dads parents house.
I asked DH who was at the egg hunt later that night. Was BM there I said. He said yes she came with OSD. But they were only there long enough to grad the money eggs.
So the special tradition that is meant to be an activity he can do with his grandkids is not even allowed to be special for him. I said I would not do it ever again. They just wanted the money. Sick because they don't need the couple dollars he stuffed the eggs with.
So I got to go to bed pissed at my DH for not letting me know he was having happy family time with the ex.
And to top it off. Sunday after church the OSD comes to our house on her way out of town to drop off photos of the kids she forgot to give him Saturday. Ten minutes notice. He waited on the porch for her to come piss on my territory. He said after he came back in 15-20 min later that they had wanted to see our dogs, but he told them dogs were sleeping. Like hell I would have let him take my dogs out to see them!
I have had the talk with him every darn holiday about not letting them come here. They treat me as if I do not exist, therefore neither does my home for drive by gift grabs or drop offs.
So sadly my Easter was not what it could have been. I am actually still pissed at DH. Also had a horrible 'skids in my house' nightmare on Monday morning. I wrote a five page letter to DH about my feelings this week, but have not given it to him yet. He wants to get frisky last night and I just couldn't. Too much unresolved resentment and hurt is killing that for me at present.
Anyway, glad you salvaged the day. I continue to study your disengagement methods and read here on stalk. Sorry for the book reply. Not sure if this goes on the blog or pm. Did not intend to hijack. Glad you are happy living in your old home area again.
Yes renewal 11-11: DH hasn't
Yes renewal 11-11: DH hasn't committed to going as far as I know. I think he is waiting to see how it all falls into place. At the same time he has not told me what the plans are. He received texts yesterday and today from his kids, but hasn't mentioned any plans.
I am not going, but won't say anything, until he says what is happening. It's just a game to see if we will attend. He is welcome to go with SS and DIL; they will be stopping by before going, I do know that; they texted this morning and noted what time they will be in town and that they were stopping by our home first.
That's all I know. I am very relaxed with anything that happens as long as I don't have to go to SGD's for dinner. I'm sure they will all stop by our home too. I'm not Miss Holiday Inn, nor am I noted for Hostess of the year to them; so it should be short and not so sweet.
Yes, I have done this before.
Yes, I have done this before. DH knows I will stay home, but he is hoping maybe I will give in and go for him. It is not happening. I will keep you posted, if DH goes or DH decides to stay home.
I'm wondering if he will go for SD's birthday; even though we've had birthday parties and BBQs on her birthday for years. After all she is 56 this year not 6.
My bio's have always been so
My bio's have always been so good to my dh and they truly like, love, & respect him. My bio's also treat my dh BETTER than his own children. It seems to me that one problem our dh's have is that they tolerate their children treating them like crapola and then expect us to embrace their crappy treatment with a smile. No thanks!
This is true and I refuse to
This is true and I refuse to present myself for bad treatment and that is all it will end up coming to, before dinner is over.
I will stay home and relax
I will stay home and relax with a good movie, glass of wine, and my favorite pizza. I have always left my home and went to my family, before we moved here (which is my home town).
I feel so relaxed and at home here, where we have moved to, that I will not leave my home. It is the skids that have to travel now and they can just rough it in motels and take us out to eat.
}:)
Stay strong, Sammi. Being
Stay strong, Sammi. Being around SD and SGD is one thing, being outnumbered by people who have heard bad things about you is another. Why make yourself shark bait on purpose? Your DH is only experiencing the consequences of his actions. This has been communicated to him so he should not be surprised that you do not want to go. Is there any way you could spend Easter with your Dad?
Anyway, (((HUGS))) to you because this is just one more reminder of how unfair this whole scenario is - and you really did nothing to cause it.
More more thing - I have a hard time understanding why SD has to celebrate her Birthday one week early on Easter. This takes something away from what Easter is intended for. It forces an unneeded sense of obligation on the participants and it further demonstrates how she craves the limelight.
Sandye21: You nailed it "she
Sandye21: You nailed it "she craves the limelight".
I will see my Dad the day before Easter and take him to a nice dinner. He has plans to go to other Family for Easter.
It's no problem, I will relax at home on my nice patio and watch a movie in the evening; if they drag it out.
If you remember, three years ago, I traveled 4 hours to my Dad's for Christmas, alone, on very bad roads. DH stayed home and went up the street to SD's for Christmas.
So, you see, it's my turn to relax at home and let everyone else travel and be inconvenienced. I am very comfortable with being home with my two fur babies and relaxing. I now live 30 minutes from my Dad and see him once a week.
Sammi, DH and I have agreed
Sammi, DH and I have agreed that if SD comes to town to visit she can stay at her Uncle's house (BM's brother) who lives nearby but she will not come here. As I see it, that is a consequence of DH failing to demonstrate to SD that his marriage is top priority and allowing his princess to rule the roost in my home.
My home is my sanctuary and I will not allow the the pollution of negative energy that seems to envelop SD wherever she travels. You are very brave for even agreeing to have SD in your home.
Sandye21; you are right. I
Sandye21; you are right.
I have told my DH, SD and family are allowed to visit him. I also told him I didn't want her in my home, nor do I want to be around her. During that conversation, I informed him "one disrespect and I show her the door".
My SD doesn't stay here over night and would never stay in our home now. SD stays at her DD's house (10 miles from us), when she comes to town. OSS and DIL are staying in a motel this weekend, when they come to town; it is their choice, but I am glad I don't have to put up with any of them in my house.
I will not be hostess either. We will be going out to eat and if they expect any lunch, they had better stop at the sandwich shop on their way here. I'm sure DH has informed them.
My DH is suffering the consequences of his decision to allow his adult kids to be rude to me and to allow them to show disrespect to our marriage. It is DH's choice, he has been told, and he knows. DH doesn't like it, but again it's not my problem.
Thank you for your support, it makes it easier to stick to my boundaries.
Well, I am about to cross
Well, I am about to cross into my home state. On the agenda is an early birthday for ysd. She has a milestone Bday coming up. But this one makes me chuckle. OSD had messaged DH after not talking to him for a long time. Wanted to know if he were flying to join her and BM to celebrate ysds Bday the weekend after the actual day.
But her exclusive invitation failed. We will be on vacation then and made plans to see ysd ahead of time. Poor poor OSD punished her dad for the last year and when she graced him with a phone call found out that dad's life went on without her. And in the past dad would invited OSD to where we're going, but now it didn't even cross his mind. Great war you're winning OSD.
The best thing is I didn't
The best thing is I didn't even have to plan it!
Dup
Dup
Dup
Dup
SacrificialLamb: That is
SacrificialLamb: That is great!
My DH doesn't text, talk, or join SD56 or SGD31 much any longer. #1 he doesn't feel like leaving home (health issues). #2 it's not convenient for him, SD doesn't live up the street now. #3 he doesn't do gifts, cards etc. I always did them and now I no longer do it. I've been disengaged almost eight years now and the gift and cards have all but stopped.
I will be surprised if he goes to dinner Friday, therefore, I may not have to say anything about NOT going. This is one reason I haven't brought up the subject or asked the plans. There probably isn't any plans, knowing my DH. He would have to make them himself; that's not going to happen. LOL...
My DH is in his mid 60's. He
My DH is in his mid 60's. He is getting tired of drama from anyone. When people realize they are getting older they do not want to waste time on drama and stupidity.
I have really wanted to call OSD or write her a letter and tell her her father is aging and she is wasting time. Then I talk myself out of it. She is in her 40's. If she hasn't figured it out yet there is nothing I can do. She thinks she is winning a valiant battle against me!
As long as I responded, in
As long as I responded, in any way, to my SD, she upped the drama.
Now that I have disengaged and silenced; she hates me even more and has had one major melt down and I'm sure another will come in the future.
She is so mad that I disengaged and won't respond to her, she continues to dig herself a hole. I think this is one reason DH doesn't spend as much time around any of them; since I've disengaged, don't care any more, and am silent, don't ask, don't discuss; he sees it for what it is. Now, he will never admit it, but I've been married too long, I know when he's fed up and when he's tolerating.
I'm at the point, I just don't care either way, any longer, and DH knows this.
Thats awesome SacrificialL.
Thats awesome SacrificialL. Most normal people eventually get tired of being punished for someone else's issues. Dh has retreated, OSD continues her war yet now she is only fighting and punishing herself.
Diminished: Thank you so
Diminished: Thank you so much for your support. I will stick to my disengagement, because if I do not, it will be back to square one.
YES!
YES!
I just can't wait until the
I just can't wait until the next holiday. It is becoming quite entertaining to see what this dysfunctional family comes up with next.
Thank you all for your support, while I vent.
Have a blessed Easter.
I'm so happy for you Sammi!
I'm so happy for you Sammi! At last you've gained the high ground, back in your home town and no longer easily accessible for your SD.
May your Easter be tranquil and enjoyable, while your DH's family flails about trying to observe the holiday without the glue you always provided to hold them together.
Cheers!
Exjuliemccoy: I would not be
Exjuliemccoy: I would not be this far along with disengagement and high ground without all of you here.
You are very supportive and I certainly appreciate it.
Thank you!
sammigirl - oh hell NO, you
sammigirl - oh hell NO, you will go to that dinner and you will fake it till you make it being nice....
sit DH down and say, fine I will go with you, you will be at my side at all times, due to previous behavior from your family, the first person being nasty to me, I will give you the sign and you will tell them - We are leaving because you all are rude to my wife....
Why do I say you have to go - you know that girl will try and get DH to take her in, or find her a flat close by... that's why you will be there, to stop them bamboozeling DH....
Acratopotes: You have good
Acratopotes: You have good advice, and I seriously thought about going and being just as nasty to SD and SGD, as they have been to me for years, because I've never reacted to their treatment, I will pass.
My real reasons for not going: DH would never have my back. He seriously doesn't see the problem, so it's like watering a dead tree to try to talk to him; I have attempted this avenue several times. He turns into a completely different person, the minute we are in the same room with these two women. He would rather go without me, then to show any affection or respect in front of his Princess and her daughter. I will not put myself in the passive aggressive situation; on the other side of the coin, I will go out to a nice place to eat, with the entire family and ignore these two women. They are very nice to me in DH's presence and he doesn't see the problem. I basically have to handle SD and leave DH out of it; no help from DH.
I don't care what she and DH do with their time. As far as buying a flat close by; don't really care now. I am back in my home State and have many friends and family near by; before we lived on DH and SD's turf and have lived on their turf for 37 years, not now.
The bottom line is I have taken control of my own life. SD and SGD hate me more now, than ever before, because I have totally disengaged and do as I please. So I won't put myself around them if I can keep from it. This is just another attempt to move me backwards on my disengagement and they would love for me to be friendly and begin taking their crap again.
Not happening. Thank you for your support.
ah in that case... if you are
ah in that case... if you are back in friendly waters....
eff them... and eff the plane that brings them in lol......
I would seriously try and get them locked up at the airport, dang pay some one to hide drugs in their luggage...
nope with this info.... no reason what so ever to go over....
They drive here in 4 hours
They drive here in 4 hours and stay at SGD31's house (10 miles away from us). So it really isn't a problem with them coming to town, they only stop by less than an hour, about every six weeks. That's ok, because I am in my own home and have control of the situation; I just will not go into SGD's house and take the mental abuse any more.
Thank you again for your support.
Update: I post this so that
Update: I post this so that those of you, here on steptalk, that are working on disengagement can hope for good results, one step at a time.
It seems, last evening, before SGD's dinner, DH had a talk with OSS58 and OSS58 told DH he didn't want to hear any of the family bickering and he was good with me (SM). DH reported that part of the evening to me today. DH attended SGD's dinner, mentioned in this original post; I stayed home and watched a movie and relaxed.
DH was only away for 2 hours, so the evening was short, interesting????
I do believe sticking to my disengagement, at least this event, put a damper on their drama.
DH was good with me staying home and he accomplished his obligation for dinner. DH and I were happy, but seemed to put a cloud over SD and SGD's mood. It has not been discussed, but DH was not giddy and bubbly when he returned home, just quiet. DH is quiet, when SD and SGD have drama.
I appreciate all of you here on this post advising me to stick to my disengagement; it is good advice and helps me stay on the right track.
Thank you!
Your strength has been and
Your strength has been and continues to be a strong model as well as provide some hope for a working resolution.
Of course I might be bald by then because of pulling my hair out. And my mouth is often bleeding from biting my tongue and not saying what i am thinking. Lol. Sort of.
^^^This!^^^
^^^This!^^^
I was wondering why my hair
I was wondering why my hair is getting so thin and I have redness to my tongue. :?
Thank you Anonymama: Losing
Thank you Anonymama: Losing my bio sons is something that I accept as "life deals hardship to the ones that can handle it". It is what it is and I can remember the morning they arrived and told us they had been killed in an auto accident; my first thoughts were you can't turn the camera back, it is a real situation and I must handle it; it cannot be changed now. That part of my life is handled. I am a strong person; I didn't go to counseling (maybe I should have), I did not turn to alcohol or drugs to drown my sorrows, my marriage grew stronger, and I made myself a different life; it is a life I know my bio sons would have wanted me to do and a life they would have lived, had it been me to leave them. The entire ordeal has humbled me and made me grateful for what I have had the opportunity to accomplish. Also I know I am not the only parent and will not be the last parent that goes thru such a tragic event.
With all of that said: I do believe part of my problem with DH, SD, and SGD; they do not appreciate the loved ones around them, they do not appreciate my respect for them, they are actually jealous of my life. Therefore, they attempt to undermine me in every way; this includes DH, where SD is concerned. These two women are the most evil, jealous people I know. DH defends them. So it also is what it is, therefore I disengaged and am again moving on with my life. Our marriage is better for it, very different now, but I am not a controlling person, so it will be whatever it becomes. I want it to be strong and I have 37 years invested, so I am not letting anyone destroy it.
Thank you for your support and it always makes me feel better, when I am understood here.
Sammi, What a heartbreaking
Sammi,
What a heartbreaking tragedy you have lived through. I have no common experience to even come close to understanding your loss and what it has taken for you to continue to engage in an amazing life after that.
The closest experience I have was watching my parents deal with the loss of my youngest brother and dealing with that loss as his big brother. I was 8. It has been nearly 45 years since his passing but it still brings a tear to my mom and dad's eyes (mine too) when we as a family toast his memory on his birthday. Interestingly it is also my youngest nephews birthday. His dad (my other baby brother) was 2 when the youngest passed.
You are an inspiration.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know how you do it. You are amazing.