stepmom step daughter jealousy
My husband and I have been been married for 2 years. He has a 20 year old stepdaughter. He was never in love with her mother so from the time SD was born, she got ALL of his love and attention. Then I came along. My husband and I actually were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend at 16 years old. We dated for a while then broke up and we did not see or hear from each other for 30 years. We both got married to other people and then divorced. My husband and i reconnected on Facebook. A real love story indeed.
I moved in with him for 1 year so that he could be with his daughter till she finished high school. After she finished high school, My husband and I moved from Georgia back to Missouri where we both grew up. That was the plan before I moved in with him and before we got married. His daughter had a choice to come to Missouri to be with us but she has stayed in Georgia for now.
The problem I have, is the relationship between my husband and SD. He poured his whole life in her and is like obsessed with her. It drives me so mad and causes me to be so jealous. He will drop anything for her even if it is not an emergency. If we are having date night and she calls or texts, he will answer immediately. I feel with her being 20 years old, we should be able to have a few hours without accepting calls/texts from either of our kids. When I lived with them, she would be taking a shower, naked, wet and yell for him to come in the bathroom, she needed a towel, or shampoo, or whatever. As a new wife and in our "honeymoon stage", he would leave me a note on the bathroom mirror or my lunchbox for work but, he would leave her a note in her bathroom on her mirror and her lunchbox as well. I feel like the only difference between his daughter and myself is he has sex with me. One time we were home alone and in the bedroom doing what husband and wife do and she walked in the house. He dropped me cold turkey and went in the living room to talk to her. It made me so mad, we got into one of our biggest arguments ever that night. Like he doesnt want her seeing or knowing we have an intimate relationship. Ridiculous! He always would text her goodnight and that he loved her every single night before he went to bed. She would usually be out with friends or working when we went to bed. Especially after her graduating I just hated that he kept doing this. We would both be ready for bed and he would go in the bathroom with his phone and text her. I would be in be waiting for him, knowing he is texting some other woman. She is not 10 years old anymore and doesnt need to be told good night. He has all day to text her and call her to let her know he loves her. When we do get into an argument, he will call her and talk bad about me. I never call my sons when my husband and I argue. Our kids do not need to know when we argue and what we argue about. All that did was put more jealousy, tension and stress in the relationship between his daughter and I. Anytime anything is mentioned with his daughter, he automatically goes in this defense mode for her. He will always defend her over me or put me down if it will make her look better.
I Know my husband loves me and is crazy about me. But his daughter is number one and always will be. I need help in dealing with this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Your husband and his daughter
Your husband and his daughter sound very enmeshed, which is not healthy for either of them. Read up on enmeshment and Electra Complex.
Enmeshed dads aren't really emotionally available, but that doesn't stop them from seeking out adult relationships for companionship, sex, financial support, etc. Your H is getting all his needs met, while you're getting scraps.
This dynamic has been in place for many years, and is not likely to change unless your H gets professional help and WANTS to change.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. I did read up on enmeshment and Electra Complex.
Ick. Well this situation
Ick. Well this situation sounds gross.
Have you ever seen this article? I think it's quite apropos...
https://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome-pr...
She's a mini-wife and the problem is that he seems to like it that way. I don't know what to tell you. But maybe he can read this article. He probably has no idea what he's doing to her.
"his daughter is number one
"his daughter is number one and always will be."
Well now you know why his 1st marriage broke up. Putting the children *first* instead of the marriage is a relationship killer.
Many of us have husbands like
Many of us have husbands like yours, to some degree or another. Mine is certainly enmeshed, but yours is REALLY enmeshed. Mine is bad enough, so I cannot imagine what you are dealing with; with this continuous contact with a full grown woman --just messed up. You are right to be sick of it and do not tolerate being 2nd in your marriage. He has a daughter wife and you do not need him until you are made the priority you deserve. SHE will always be jealous of you and your jealousy is only rooted in his inability to treat you like a wife and require his daughter to do the same.
This works. My DH and SD56
This works. My DH and SD56 are just as involved. SD is jealous of me and has even told me to my face many times over the 37 years we have been married. SD had a major melt down 3 years ago and wrote me a two page hate email. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
I was in the process of disengaging and I needed to take control of the entire situation and not discuss my disengagement with DH. DH didn't see any problem with any of SD's actions for the past 30+ years. We separated for a few months and I set boundaries for both myself and our marriage. DH was not allowed to come back home; I booted him to SD & SIL's home, until I allowed the Court to drop an order keeping him away; thus he was allowed to talk to me. I had his attention and I still have everyone's attention.
I mean business! I also had issues to work thru, but my conditions are: I will work on my issues, SD is to keep her nose out of our marriage, and DH is to also work on our marriage with me as a team. I have let the relationship between DH and SD go. That does not exist in my life now.
On this site, you will find this is fairly normal, sad....but normal.
(((hugs)))
On this surface this does not
On this surface this does not seem so bad. But when I put some thought into it it makes me wanna puke. :sick:
I am not sure how to give your DH clarity on this and if you push it too hard it could jeopardize your marriage.
Take care of you and good luck.
Rags, is this really you??
Rags, is this really you?? This is the least committal of a response I have seen from you.
Right! This post even jacked
Right! This post even jacked up Rags, lol.
Yep, it's me.
Yep, it's me.
Just get back from vaca? Lots
Just get back from vaca? Lots of posts today!
Nope, I generally don't post
Nope, I generally don't post during weekends. Those are dedicated to my bride and family when I am in the States. I was swamped at work yesterday and today I am awaiting a bunch of technical input from several engineers so I am in hurry up and wait mode.
What you are describing is
What you are describing is common. DH is trying to find a way to bond with his child. You are an easy topic of discussion; he lives with you. And he can reassure SD how important she is by confiding in her about you. No, it's not right, and these DH's get their reassurance from their sweet, understanding daughters and that keeps them going. They think their kids are unbiased but they are not; they are looking for ammunition they can use against us as to how horrible we are. DH once told me his kids weren't like that. Yeah right, that's why when the situation escalated, OSD told DH to f#ck off when we didn't split and she has punished him for the last year.
It sets up false hope in the SD that daddy will be away from that evil vulture soon and she will soon have him back to herself.
DH had to hear from a counselor that he was overstepping his bounds and going to lose his marriage. And we did almost split over it.
I don't have much to add
I don't have much to add other than your DH better curb this now while SD is just becoming an adult. If he waits until she is in her 40's (and please don't still be around to watch this....you deserve better), she will punish the h3ll out of him for setting a boundary he should have set years ago.
Tell your DH that weaning is part of parenting. Some people forget this. He's getting his jollies met from the adoration of his daughter. Either they both move on to a healthy father-daughter relationship or I'd be gone.
Yes.. you come in second
Yes.. you come in second after the daughter. Unfortunately no marriage or relationship can sustain this for very long. Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is over 50% and even higher (around 70% ) for blended families. I've said this probably more than a few times on this site.. I have discussed this with a couple of different counselors and pastors. The only way a marriage can work and survive is for husband and wife to place their relationship before all others (sorry kids.. this includes children). Men don't want to put their woman first but want all the comforts of having a woman... thus you end up with situations like yours. I would say lots of therapy.. any therapist would tell you exactly what I'm telling you. His daughter is grown and should not be so enmeshed with him. He can still have a great relationship with his daughter but he CANNOT put his wife behind daughter on the list of priorities..if he does he needs to understand that he is in the process right now of ruining his marriage. Best of luck:)
Priorities : #1 GOD, #2 spouse, #3 everyone else... this is the recipe for a long happy marriage. You cannot take these out of order!!!
yes this is so funny! dh
yes this is so funny! dh worships his daughter!
Goddess!!
Goddess!!
True!
I stopped this crap before
I stopped this crap before Aergia was 16..... I was not very nice about it as well lol...
You have to take a stand, and be prepared what ever might happen.... put your foot down and tell DH to stop having an affair with his daughter... Mine was exactly the same, not only his daughter but his brothers as well, I had to keep quiet and accept it, I felt I was there when SO has no one, no brother and no daughter, then I was good enough...
One day I had enough... I observed the whole day, made notes.... recorded him I did everything, That evening when he wanted some love, I played along... and just before the deed I said: Ok I've warmed you up now for your daughter, walk to her room and have a go, seeing you treat her like the partner and me like the after thought, please wash when you are done..... SO was furious and almost went mad...... but he got the message loud and clear.... he never put me second to Aergia again.... I did the same thing when he put me second to his brothers on a holiday as well...
Oh every time I did a thing like this, I simply got dressed and left and ignored him for a couple of days.
sd would blow kisses to her
sd would blow kisses to her father and then feed him things from her fingers like a lover. it was nauseating to watch as dh would get this stupid goofy look on his face grinning.
awesome comments and replies.
awesome comments and replies. I really appreciate all of the input. I would appreciate more advise and suggestions on how to handle this situation. My husband has made changes on this father/daughter thing and we still are working on it. I cannot "fix" the whole problem, but would like more input on how I can handle and deal with things when they come up. For example, it seems anytime his daughter is mentioned, it becomes an argument. I need advise on how to handle myself (other than keep my mouth shut!) and how to talk to him in the right way so that he doesn't feel he needs to be so defensive every time she is mentioned.
Why does it become an
Why does it become an argument?
I went through this for many
I went through this for many years - even the part where DH would complain about me to SD. Many men, like my DH are short on words, big of action. So what you say to him has to be short and direct - something that will allow a maximum time for him to quietly process. This is what I would say: "Your behavior with your daughter is inappropriate and is damaging to your marriage." Then spell out the boundaries to him: "I am to be respected as your wife by both you and your daughter. What happens in our marriage is strictly our business only. Your private time with me is to be treated as valuable as your time with your daughter. Therefore you will turn off your phone during those times." If he can not accept these boundaries it's time to move on.
i recall one time when we had
i recall one time when we had just been intimate, dh sprang up out of bed and ran for his phone saying oh god i have to call my children. i put my foot down after that.
I usually see this enmeshment
I usually see this enmeshment and incestuous parent/kid relationships more with Moms and their teen, adult sons.
IT IS GROSS
"The only difference"? I
"The only difference"? I wouldn't be so sure about that. :sick: :sick: :sick:
"When we do get into an
"When we do get into an argument, he will call her and talk bad about me." I see this as more of a gross violation of boundaries than the constant calling and texting, tbh.
I've lived this way for 21
I've lived this way for 21 years w/my DH and his daughter. You'd swear they were lovers rather than father/daughter when they talk to each other on the phone. He doesn't talk the same way to me as he talks to her. I get his practical side; she's gets the emotional side. I used to get very jealous of it but someone said that it can't be fixed unless DH and SD want to fix it. Obviously, they like their relationship. So, I have 2 choices: divorce him or learn to live with it and realize that it's a mental illness that will never get better. We've got children so I've opted for the 2nd choice. some days hurt more than others; some days it doesn't bother me at all. It's tough.
I disagree with Old sm to
I disagree with Old sm to live with it. I, am living with a somewhat similar situation in which SD25 and DH lived together immediately after his divorce like an emotionally attached couple. She would wait up for him with dinner, eat with him, go to the movies, go shopping, go to the gym, take vacations those two, everything together. Did I mention, she has few friends, no boyfriends, and barely speaks to her BM? SO, I come along and finally say, Whoa, this will not continue. Here are my rules and there is no deviation. I think of the damage it will do to my BD not to mention me. I love my DH enough that I recognize that even if we don't work out, he will NEVER have a healthy relationship if these dysfunctions continue. So, living with it is not an option because that means causing the death of something else. No, assume your rightful position as Queen!
My SD is 32. She had a baby 7
My SD is 32. She had a baby 7 months ago. Nothing has changed. She is still his mini wife. My DH and his wife lived in different bedrooms from the time she was 4 years old. They stayed together until she went off to college. They did nothing as a family. BM took the 2 kids on vacation by herself and DH took them on vacation by himself. They never saw what a marriage was suppose to be. Both parents used the kids for emotional incest. My DH admits that he made his kids his spouse and BM did the same. He would never put the name emotional incest on it. He feels it was just good parenting to make them his whole life.
He now tells me they will never accept me because it was always just the 3 of them and that is how they still want it. SD is married now. She would never put up with DH treating her husband the way she treats her Dads wife. DH is afraid that if he stands up to her or them that they will not speak to him. He tried taking me to dinner with the 2 of them once. SD didn't speak to him for 2 years. Now with the grandkid she really knows he will never stand up to her, all she has to do is say she won't let him see the kid and he jumps through her hoop. If he is with her he is not even allowed to answer the phone if I call.
They are all sick, they think this is normal.
I have totally disengaged from both the kids. I don't want to see them, hear about them or anything else. If he sees them he goes to their houses. The son will probably never marry and it is a good thing. He would totally be a emotional abuser. He already is to everyone around him. The daughter married for money. She will stay with him as long as he keeps the money flowing freely.
It is amazing how people can really screw up their kids and call it love.