How do you handle extra-curricular activities?
Our first problem is that my ss’s mother is responsible for all extra-curriculars as per the custody agreement. But she refuses to pay for anything my ss is interested in.
Our second problem is that my ss will always see what our son is in and demands to put in it as well. It doesn’t even matter if he’s interested in it or not. He will play up enough guilt that my husband always gives in and pays for my ss to join out of his own pocket.
And if this was not irritating enough, we have a third problem. His mother will not do any of the transporting that is required on the weekdays, which is often minimal. Last summer, she refused to take my ss to soccer practice for the single weekly sessions. As a result, he couldn’t even play in the matches that often because of attendance rules. She always agrees to help but then she doesn’t. It’s just money being flushed down the drain.
How do other families deal with situations like this? My husband can’t do the transporting himself since they live 40 mins away and he works 10 to 7.
P.S: I had a long conversation with my husband about the constant comparing and whining my ss is doing and how my husband always feels guilty and gives in. He says he feels terrible for giving one child more than the other. I even corrected him that it’s actually me who is spending most of the money on our son. Then he tells me a little kid won’t understand. I just can’t make him get it. If I say he needs to pay more for our son, he says he will put less in the retirement matching program so he’ll have extra cash. That hurts all of us in the long run. He pays $2K in support! He shouldn’t have to lower his retirement payments just to pay for both his kids. I am so irritated right now.
I don’t know how else to make him get it.
and to add to this - it's not
and to add to this - it's not your responsibility to drive SS around as well.... you only focus on your kid..
DH and BM can focus on theirs, and DH can focus on your kid as well....
I would be a total witch, seeing my son is DH's son I will make sure every penny SS gets, his son with me also gets..
sorry this is how I am...
SS has had his turn at the
SS has had his turn at the age your DS is. DH needs to pull his head out and stop allowing and facilitating his elder son interfering in his younger son's turn.
I am not saying that he needs to stop supporting his eldest. But he for sure needs to minimize the interference that the eldest and the BM cause in your home and eliminate the interference they cause in your DS's turn to be a little kid.
Your DS does not encroach on SS's turn to be the age he is currently. Don't allow your DH, BM, or SS to interfere in your kid's turn. If DH can't gain clarity and support you... he will have to live with the consequences.
And you know all that how?
And you know all that how? The SS is 12 the joint son is 10. Did SS get this this and this at 6, 8, 10?
I don't know it in detail.
I don't know it in detail. However, in my own experience as the eldest of 3 I did get a clarity session with my dad about not interfering in my younger brothers turns to be the ages that they were at the time and that they would not be allowed to interfere with my turn to be my age.
I had already had my turn at being 6 and 8 years younger respectively.
My SKid was hammered incessantly by the SpermClan regarding how it was not fair that he had nice things and was able to travel extensively while his three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs did not have access to those opportunities. He learned over the years to ask his SpermIdiot and the SpermGrandParents why they did not make better decisions in order to provide those things for the younger spawn. That had some heads exploding.
One element of this issue that is expressed periodically is elder kids lamenting that the younger kids get things and experiences that he elder kids did not get. This is far more likely a factor of increasing parental affluence and not favoritism.
There is no mandate for equality or duplication of experience between children and communicating that things change over time is a mitigation for what this person is experiencing with the SKid.
I just can't help but think
I just can't help but think how a child 12 feels about watching his younger brother (10), every weekend , do all these activities that he just gets to sit and watch.
It doesn't sound as if SS12 got to do this or that ________ while younger brother sat out, watched and waited for his turn.
I'm not saying the 12 year old should be able to play soccer just because ten year old brother does. But I am saying *we* have been given very little detail on what the SS12 has ever been allowed to do during his every weekend at Dad's. Surely there must be some activity that the kid could occasionally do/have done that was low or no cost occasionally on a Saturday other than load up the car and go watch his younger brother participate in this activity or that activity. Gee, thanks , Dad, for letting me spending my every weekend of my childhood watch another kid having a childhood.
Not really a matter of 'you already had your turn, now it's brother's turn', thing going on. The kid was two when his little brother was born. Hardly old enough to have been doing activities. Now he does nothing but watch little brother do activities but none for him (unless he whines, then gets labeled the whiner because d*mmit Dad pays CS and kid supposedly already had his turn or chance...tough sh*t if kid didn't actually get it).
I just think surely there is a way somehow for this weekend unit to function to where the two boys aren't pitted against one another. Even if it's Dad taking SS12 fishing or bike riding once in a while while SM takes 10yr old to whatever activity 10 year old is signed up for. The two boys and Dad/SM go hiking and a park picnic on a Saturday afternoon. I just believe there is a way for the older child to feel he is a participant of the weekend family without turning it all into competition , resentment and/or 'get over it ,kid'.
I agree with you regarding
I agree with you regarding this situation. I had not caught on to the age different being only 2yrs until the discussion picked up.
The difficulty in this situation is that apparently the CP/BM does not get the kid to practices on her time so he can be eligible to play in games. So.... he sits on the sidelines at little bros games on the weekends. Not dad's, SM's, or little-bro's fault.
I definitely feel for the SKid but I also feel for dad's household because of BM's bullshit.
I don't see an easy fix without making BM feel the pain of her neglect of her kid.
Yep, the CO should be shared
Yep, the CO should be shared with the kids in an age appropriate manner. This mitigates much of the opportunity for manipulation by either parent.
BM is playing the card that dad engages his younger child more. Reviewing the CO with the 10yo and explaining it will start tightening the box around BM to either own the situation or fix it.
IMHO of course.
The more I read on here the
The more I read on here the happier I am with our Canadian CS system.
CS is based on income and number of dependants. The extra curricular activities are a percentage of each parents income.
So if mom makes $100K and dad makes $30K, mom pays 70%, dad pays 30% of the swim lessons or hockey or band.
Now deciding on what sports the kids are in or who takes them is the same craziness but at least you know where you stand in paying for it.
Our CO said the same thing
Our CO said the same thing yours does. As the CP household we went back to court for clarification on extracurriculars and splitting those costs and the Judge was clear. CS covers the NCPs entire responsibility for supporting the raising of the kid (except for 50% of medical costs not covered by insurance). CS takes the costs of extracurricular activities into consideration.
We learned that early when we tried to give the SpermIdiot bill for half of the cost of a trumpet and lessons.
In the other post, she said
In the other post, she said her DH actually wouldn't be against his son participating. It is just Melanne upset that the EX didn't pre-ask before signing the kid up. She sees it as an attempt to control her household.
Whether the kid or DH want this football team involvement makes no difference to her. It's that it was done without advance ask from the BM.
I'm curious, do you think
I'm curious, do you think those refugee mothers would put their kids in an activity if it was possible?
Sure, a lot of the problems on this site end up being "first world problems" and don't hinge on whether a suicide bomber is going to blow you up or whether you will be attacked as you go for water.
I think we would all want to hope that parents would want to provide their children the best opportunities possible. For most western.. and specifically US parents that means the opportunity to participate in extra activities whether they be in the realm of arts, sports, music, education etc...
In the US there are a lot of opportunities for kids to be enriched outside of home and school and I would question why someone wouldn't want to give their child the opportunity to participate.
Why would they be AGAINST it...? not saying everything would be possible due to a variety of reasons, but why would a parent be against it?
I will make this observation
I will make this observation again. I think it is YOU that has a problem with this because you didn't control it.
it's because "I believe.. and I want what's best." not what your husband wants. You stated in another post that your husband is fine with the kid playing football.
This is his son. If he is ok with the kid being in football.. even if it means he has to drive him on HIS time, then that's that. If his EX is paying for it.. what is the problem? Even if she wanted money to share the cost.. if HE wants to do it for HIS son, It is his choice. Maybe your DH can use the sport as an incentive to keep his grades up?
You can either tag along or not.
It is really clear that the only problem with the child being in an activity is that it stemmed from his mother and you see every thing as an attempt to control your household... and "you have boundaries and aren't having it!!"
Don't you think that it's a
Don't you think that it's a bit dramatic to call that abusing animals!?!?!?!
The kid spit on a monkey? I'm curious what kind of zoo lets the kids so close that they can spit ON them. Were the monkeys spitting at each other and he was just mimicking them? Certainly this isn't polite behavior, but it isn't really abusive.
And he picked up a dog wrong. Did it occur to you that he didn't know the proper way to handle the dog? I might put this in the category of he is too rough or ignorant about the animals, but I don't see this as intentionally trying to abuse an animal.
Gosh.. I'm sure my parents had to tell us at some point.. "no dear, you don't pick the cat up by the tail".
Certainly, it seems like he should be supervised, but I would hardly call him an animal abuser.
To be honest what you
To be honest what you describe sounds a LOT like 10 yo boy behavior in a normal spectrum of behavior.
Since you don't know how thing are in the other house, you don't know how he was taught to handle dogs. A dog like yours is especially delicate and that is the reason so many rescues prohibit placing these types of dogs in households with small children.
It sounds like this kid has had pretty questionable parenting by BOTH parents. By your own admission, your husband wasn't very good with them. PLUS, there is also the specter of spousal abuse in his home. You are getting the story that the charges were false, but perhaps the boy saw his dad beating on his mom and that has resulted in behavior issues too?
I know it was suggested that you do some research to see what his criminal history might show... and I think you decided to ask his mother... not particularly unbiased.
It just seems that you try to make a big claim about the kid then when it's pointed out that your examples hardly prove your point, you come in with another incident where he is "kicking a duck" (and we have them around our ponds here.. never been able to get close enough to put boot to feathers myself).
In my family everyone gets
In my family everyone gets their ass beat and knows not to step out of line.
Now THAT is not a normal family dynamic. Rule by fear?
I'm not saying the child doesn't need some parenting and guidance, but unfortunately, it doesn't sound like there is anyone in the family able to give it to him.
Though we lived in Texas for
Though we lived in Texas for 12 of our 16+ years under a CO our CO was from Oregon. The basics were the same with the exception of extracurriculars. In our CO NCP was responsible for CS and health insurance and the CP and NCP split med costs not covered by insurance. CS was the entire responsibility that the NCP had towards the child as far as support was concerned.
We kept the option of changing venue to Texas as a big stick to hold over the SpermClan when they got stupid. Their CS would have ~quadrupled though their visitation would have doubled and we would not have exposed the Skid to that crap loaded shallow and polluted gene pool any more than necessary.
The CS increase scared the crap out of them so change of venue to TX was an effective tool for getting them under control when they were being particularly manipulative and toxic.
CS went until age 18 or 22 if the Skid was a full time student in good standing with his university. The issue there was that at 18 the CS quit going to the CP and went directly to the SKid IF... big IF... the Skid petitioned for CS to continue. The SpermClan guilted the kid in to not nailing them for college CS. In hind sight I understand his decision... he was tired and done with their manipulative toxic crap and wanted to move on with his life.
Once he turned 18 no one in the SpermClan contacted him for about 2yrs. And now nearly 7 years later they rarely contact him. He does make an effort to keep in touch with his younger sister but has pretty much written off the two younger brothers who are following the SpermIdiot's goal of being ganbangers
He departs for a 3yr Europe assignement in a few months and when we talked a few days ago when I asked if he was going to visit SpermLand before he leaves he said.... "I should but I doubt it.".
I am proud of my son but am sad for him that they make little effort. Once they could not bight about money they cut him loose for the most part.
I think you and DH are honest
I think you and DH are honest with SS. He can't join whatever because BM won't take him to practices. If he isn't at practice he can play in the games.
Don't be mean or snarky about it just lay out the facts.
Is there something he can do that only falls on your time or can you talk to the coaches and explain the situation?
Or is there a sport that DH and SS could do together that is just them?
Golfing is a great way for the two of them to be together and get some exercise. It can be expensive but it doesn't have to be, there are lots of public courses.
I think it's fine to lay out
I think it's fine to lay out the logistical issues for the kid... or even all the issues related to whether he participates or doesn't in something.
If it's cost, kids should understand that maybe you can play in the church league softball team, but the travel team is out of our reach financially.
It's ok to tell the kids that you can't commit as a family to certain activities that require time commitments that aren't going to work for your family. Like a daily practice at 3 pm while the parents all work or something.
It's also ok to ask the child to brainstorm on how he can still do things he wants if he can help find solutions. Like, finding another kid he can carpool with to the practices if his parents both have to work.
Yep. Share the facts. It
Yep. Share the facts. It addresses a lot of opportunity for the opposition to manipulate the situation.
Your DH needs to let your SS
Your DH needs to let your SS know that BM is responsible for all extra curricular activities. When SS whines that he wants to be in XYZ sport because little brother is....just reply, "sure thing SS, just have your mom sign you up". Then if BM doesn't do it, then that is on BM.
Your DH has guilty daddy syndrome. At some point he has to stop or it will just escalate into a nightmare.
OP you should be thankful bm
OP you should be thankful bm is not using activities as a weapon.
If she does not want to put ss in, then so be it.
DH can enroll the boy into something in your town. Or not. Sounds like the pressure of this junk is taking its toll. Which is typical.
Your DH can talk to ss in front of BM, SON what ever your mom decides at her house IS up to her. Just like what we decide at our house is up to us.
**the biggest LEAP towards a normal life is taken when you realize, your home- dh home YOUR rules and decisions. BM's home, BM's rules . DO NOT DEPEND on BM to do anything. We had to.
Any proof of Drug use and child abuse stops the above immediately. All bets are off.
GoodLuck
I guess I will go ahead and
I guess I will go ahead and say how we handled things with my DH's kids.
They were not in extracurricular sports until they were in middle school. Their schedules prior to that revolved around either being with mom (CP mostly), us, or their grandparents. Neither parent had a bunch of excess money and the kids had plenty of friends etc.. so they weren't missing anything at those ages. It was a fairly small community and fewer opportunities for kid teams too.
In middle school, the teams were rec league which didn't have a brutal schedule. The CP/BM arranged for them to join a few teams. Dad kicked in by suiting them up and he went to a few games... They missed a few games too due to visitation as we lived almost 3 hours away during that time.
In HS, the OSD did some school sport teams and was able to bum rides etc.. she wanted to be at home more so dad got less visitation when she had things going on. Daily calls etc.. but if she had work or a sports team commitment, or social thing, she generally could stay at her mom's. (now 22, loves her dad, no estrangement).
YSD got the cheer bug and mommy liked showing her off so she was on a competition squad plus school squad for 1.5 miserable years. Eventually that stopped when her desire to move with her grandparents for her senior year outpaced her need to run around in short skirts.
Basically the CP has to be on board or it just isn't worth trying. The NCP then has the choice to either help make it happen, have the kid miss some participation or let the kid stay with mom. A combination of all that happened with my SD's.
Both my skids played school
Both my skids played school sports, there were some extra costs but not a ton. Mostly new shoes every month.
Practices were after school and the kids had to arrange rides home with friends because they missed the school bus. Coaches and other parents were more than happy to help out.
Away games had parent volunteer drivers and when DH became a coach he'd take half the team in one van, the other coach took the rest of the team.
The costs and driving came in the summer when the skids wanted to play with league teams. DH paid and took time off work because the skids loved the game and they were good at it.
In the end they both got scholarships to Uni and so saved him a fortune in school costs.
My own sons played hockey and it was brutal! Expensive to join, expensive equipment, rides needed to every practice and game! ExH didn't want to pay or take the time to drive them but eventually came around when the boys got him out on the ice to play shinny.
He eventually coached them and it became a way for them to bond.
They loved the game, they made great friends, they learned sportsmanship and they were Not sitting in front of a screen all day!
Sports and clubs are so worth the time and money. I really think it's part of what makes them better people and helps them to launch.