Mom interjecting
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I am curious as I am not a mother. My partners ex, after having the three boys for a week for spring break, dropped them off at our home. The next day she phoned multiple times regarding a stuffed animal left in the back seat of her car. Now keep in mind this boy is 10 and it is his stuffed animal from when he was a baby. However, he does not bring it all the time because he is getting too old. After phoning multiple times regarding the stuffed animal she decided to drop it off at our home. She then continued to text us to remind us it was there. I am concerned because all three children have objects that they "cannot" sleep without. And can I be upset she showed up unannounced at our home?
Did SS10 mention the stuffed
Did SS10 mention the stuffed animal at all? Who mentioned it first? I guess I'd gauge BM's reaction based on SS. If he were acting upset & texting BM incessantly about it and asking for it, then I can understand why BM just wanted to get it to him. However, if SS barely noticed it was gone & was not making a big deal about it, I'd say BM was intentionally blowing it out of proportion just to inject herself into your life.
Yes SS didnt notice or
Yes SS didnt notice or mention it at all. If he had that would obviously be very different i would have driven out and gotten it myself.
absolutely it could be. i
absolutely it could be. i don't want to take them away i just think having it moderated would help. I obviously haven't said anything to her. I want whats best for the little ones and i i feel self soothing without objects is important, and that she is interjecting them so the children dont "forget" her.
Eh, depends. My oldest
Eh, depends. My oldest brother had Puppy, a stuffed dog my grandma bought him the day he was born. While he stopped cuddling Puppy as he got older, I never saw his room without Puppy in a place of honor on a shelf or bookcase. Puppy even managed to sneak his way to college for freshman year, though he did come home at Christmas and stay home. (Puppy is really raggedy and looks out of place in my brother's man-cave, but he is there, guarding the bar.) That ugly old stuffed animal is just an intrinsic part of his childhood.
BS2 has Giraffe, a singing stuffy he got before he was born. Giraffe went EVERYWHERE with us. BS2 couldn't even take a bath if Giraffe wasn't in sight. Giraffe had to go to school with him for the first 2 months. Then it progressed to only at home, then only when sleeping. Now BS2 still loves snuggling with Giraffe, but it's not a necessity for him. Giraffe went missing during a cleaning frenzy and it didn't bother BS2 at all, though he grabbed that stuffy and snuggled it tight when Giraffe was discovered in the camping equipment in the basement. (Don't ask me, sometimes DH's logic when on cleaning spree is lacking.)
Neither SD11, SS10, nor BS4 ever 'bonded' that tightly with a particular toy. Some kids just aren't like that and some are. I don't know of any kids who weren't otherwise impaired who never learned to self-soothe. It just took a little longer. But I'm also a big proponent of baby-led weaning/napping/feeding and letting children develop at their own pace. I don't like comparing kids unless the difference is significant and you are comparing to an average, not another specific child.
I just want whats best for
I just want whats best for him. Unfortunately i do not have a base line to compare him to. I do however (as weird as it sounds) have a sister the same age. I find them completely different. The only thing i am concerned with here is that he is becoming depended on things to give him comfort if that makes sense.
Then google it to find an
Then google it to find an average. Do NOT, repeat do NOT try comparing him to your sister of all people. Different genders mature at different rates. That's a scientific fact. I understand what your concern is: my point was it's baloney. Unless he has some sort of other delay, he'll grow out if it eventually. And honestly there's a lot of uncertainty in SS's world right now. It's not unusual for kids to cling to comfort they know during that. YOU may not think that Mommy & Daddy still being legally married matters at all, but it does to SS. And until it's fully legal he will be holding out hope that bcav is just a mistake Daddy is making and that Daddy will go back to Mommy and we'll be happy again! SS may never say that out loud but unless BM and BF were in a violent, abusive, angry relationship he's going to be hoping it gets fixed.
Discuss your concerns with BF, sure, but don't push it and accept the decision that BF makes. You may love them but they are not your kids. If you and BF don't 100% agree on parenting you have to decide if you can accept his parenting choices. Because it will only turn out badly if you try to push your parenting ideas on him. Read these boards for how many problems there are when Dads don't agree with their wives about parenting.
WHy not simply block BM from
WHy not simply block BM from contacting you, and DH can set some boundaries, it's his time with the kids anyway..
BM is just trying to dictate what happens at your house, I will not allow it, I will block and ignore her, if she has a problem she can take it up with her kid's father not me.
Unfortunately there is no
Unfortunately there is no reasoning with her. I do not have any contact with her. That is strictly dads territory, he does share with me when she does, as we do have a healthy communicative relationship. He's upset she showed up to as it disrupts the dynamic at our home.
So, this is really mostly
So, this is really mostly your DH's issue.
I will be honest, I am not 100% a fan of "ignoring" texts and calls from the EX because in certain instances... if there is no response, the EX will take it upon themselves to come to a solution that you don't want... ie showing up on your doorstep.
It sounds like she tried to contact him a few times about the toy and then when she got no response, she dropped it off at the house and then texted him again a few times to tell him she did it. It sounds like you weren't home so not sure how that was a disruption.
He needed to take control of the situation immediately. as in"
BM text: DS left pookie in the back seat, how can I get it to you, he needs it to sleep.
DH returns text option 1: You know, I think DS is old enough now to learn how to go to sleep without pookie. Just keep it in a safe place and I will let you know if I change my mind and need to get it from you.
DH returns text option 2: Ok, we are super busy running around, just go ahead and leave it on the porch. Thanks.
Then if it was option 2 DH sends a text after he gets pookie to let her know he got it... thanks.
That's it. By going overboard trying to "not let her control your lives..." your DH has allowed her to be a more constant interruption in your lives through repeated texts.
We were home. We were in the
We were home. We were in the middle of watching a movie and didn't see the need to stop the movie (having 3 little boys calm not running around hitting each other) is an amazing thing. I am a very strong believer in not pushing things the children don't ask for. I overheard him talking to his brother saying I didn't grab him because he was buried in the back seat and I didn't need him. She only texts/phones when the children are here. We have never denied the children contact with their mom. We have actually reached out to her asking her how we can work together to make her this transition easier for the children, which was left without response as well.
He could have easily texted
He could have easily texted during the movie.
"Hey.. DS said he didn't need it. thanks anyway"
It is not THAT big of an interruption and it would have saved all the rest of the aggravation.
Your DH (and you) can cling to the "not giving an inch" mentality with her, but it is only likely to result in her ratcheting up her text game and stopping by.
By the way, she should have reasonably access by phone to the kids even when they are at your house.
Oh.. and again, you are a "very strong believer".. this is you putting yourself into a role with these kids that isn't your place. It's up to DH and BM... you can have an opinion and he may ASK for your input, but you need to stop acting like you are in competition with the BM for the kid's attention.
It seems like you are mad that she is interjecting on what you see as YOUR time with these kids. It's about your feelings.
Oh, dear, that's rather
Oh, dear, that's rather harsh. She doesn't sound like she wants the boy's attention. But she does like a bit of order in her own house.
My ss especially leaves stuff at one house or the other. A parent will always turn themselves inside out getting it back to him immediately. It IS annoying. It's a disruption. We have to drop what we're doing and scramble. Well, what is this teaching the child? Don't bother checking my stuff, mom or dad will bring it. Childhood is supposed to be a time for preparing kids to be adults. How are they supposed to learn if we don't teach them along the way?
In this case, the 10 year old made a conscious decision to leave the toy behind. Why couldn't the bm respect that?
I suppose BM might have
I suppose BM might have respected that if DH had relayed that message to her instead of ignoring her. Or at the very least he might have had the boy get on the phone with mom to tell her he didn't NEED the toy.
That's the issue really. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a little order in our lives, but when you have kids involved... well things happen and it is helpful if we don't blow it out of proportion.
DH could have simply told BM kid didn't need the toy. Boy could have told mom he didn't need it. No reason for OP to be at all inconvenienced by this.
This is the thing, when you are in a relationship with someone with kids and an EX, there will be times they will be in your lives in some form or fashion.
If dad wanted to teach boy to care for his things, he could have told BM, but he chose the ignore button instead and that caused the BM to repeatedly contact them. It could have been resolved easily otherwise (most likely).
Actually, she does a bit seem like she views the time that the kids are at her house as "her time" with the kids too. She mentions in posts that "we have custody" and throw out phrases like "I am a firm believer" in relationship to HIS kids.
I know it's a bit splitting hairs and semantics, but the kids have two parents that should be dealing with issues like this and if her DH DID, she wouldn't have been subject to any interruptions.
Well, you do have a point.
Well, you do have a point. Just letting mom know it's not needed would have been a good idea. That's what we would have done if we knew it wasn't needed.
I haven't read her other posts and don't recognize the username. You seem to know more about her than I do. I was just going off this one post. Backing out of the room now...
Didn't mean to come off
Didn't mean to come off jumping on you...lol. She has two posts up about basically the same thing.. I've read some of both.
I guess I sometimes get a little more abrupt when I see people doing things that are basically the equivalent of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
If a simple response will fix an issue, why ratchet it up and let the BM (or whoever) get all twisted up and upset and emailing and calling over something when one response might have fixed the issue. Some people seem to get so entrenched in the "I won't let the EX intrude on my life" that they actually make their own situations more difficult for themselves.
If we can accept with some amount of grace that if we marry a guy with kids that kids will have unpredictable things come up and that the EX will intrude on our lives on occasion because she IS the mother of the children... it's better than fighting these facts.
Of course, we can try to set boundaries, but understand that sometimes it won't 100% work out how we wish it would because there are too many people involved for everyone to behave predictably. It helps if we can go with the flow.
And yeah.. I hated my DH's EX. But, I knew what she was and she's the one who has to live her twisted and drama filled life... not me.
10 is well old enough to
10 is well old enough to start keeping track of his own objects. If he were the one to be upset and ask for it, I think the adults (any of or all 3 of you) should encourage him to spend at least one night without it and then he can think of favors he can for you to tradeout for the favor of retrieving the doll.
He has to feel some pain for leaving it behind so that he remembers not to leave it again. And at 10 he needs to learn that driving all over town for his doll is a pain in the neck and he should be willing to make a sacrifice in return to "pay" for that favor. Ideas would be extra chores and special projects, etc.
That's IF he is the one to ask for it. About bm going nuts, yeah, that is %100 about her wanting to be top of mind at all times for her kids while they are gone as well as for you two. I would probably suggest getting the doll off the porch before kid sees it and keeping it in a closet until he asks for it, if ever. If he does ask for it, I would still require him to do something to earn it back. BM has to learn she does not control what goes into your house and when. She will keep pulling these tricks if she feels no consequences.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I posted two one pointing out I wasn't yet married and one leaving it out. Both have very, very different responses. The blog is all about how I am not married to him and how I am a "home wrecker". I wanted advice on the children not my relationship. You all assume it was him that left. She cheated on him and they split. She lives in the old "family" home, and my partner and I rent together. What the actual issue was, was her pushing something on her son (which dad and I are completely on the same page with) however the real issue is if we would have texted her she would have called back with another excuse to stop by and check in.