When biomom comes back, could you and H maybe take a weekend for yourselves? Even a stay-cation might help?

If the kids are really good then I would avoid making a drama about needing your space -- just take it. Leave the house -- tell dh you are giving him alone time with HIS kids. Or just say you are busy this morning, you know he will be glad to have some time to enjoy them all to himself.

Then go to spa, movie, museum, girlfriend brunch, feed ducks at the lake, shop for a yacht, whatever relaxes you.

Or, say in front of the skids, who wants a trip to (insert fav kid spot McD's whatev)? When they all get excited say, "ok, dad, you've been elected!"

Follow up with "Sorry, I can't go - I've got this and this to do and anybody who comes home before x oclock will have to help me!" Dishes, laundry, etc. You don't have to actually do any of those things. When they get home and they are not accomplished, say, oh, I didn't get to that, you wanna do that one for me? They will flee and shut up. There will never be any drama about you being mad or not liking his kids or whatever.

Now, if the kids are great, who is maligning you? That's a separate issue and an important one.

I read your last blog and thought you sounded quite surprised over the itinerary, and massively overwhelmed, especially since the itinerary wasn't what you were expecting. LOL. I totally understand. You assumed you were going on a 'family-cation' and instead, you went on a 'kid-cation.' That has probably happened to almost every SM out there (probably more than a few SF's as well.)

Isn't that the rub? It is called FAMILY vacation for a reason. It isn't, (nor should it be) all about just the kids. Kids are merely 'part' of a family, and not the whole. Welcome to the wonderful (sic) world of kid-centrica! Fasten your seat belt Mrs., you're in for quite a ride! You came to vent, and some will do their best to enlighten you as to how a real SM should behave, and some who will openly chastise you based on their own narratives. Many will commiserate with you, because many have BTDT! Again, welcome! Best grow some thicker skin for both roles (SM and ST member.)

I remember my first kid-cation as a SM. OMG, I wanted to go home within the first day. A call to my own SM got me off the ledge. (I really love that woman!) She told me that family vacations were for family and that it was perfectly fine to plan my own SK-less itinerary within the kid-cation. She told me not to let anyone make me feel badly about it because every human being deserved some alone time. Of course xDH and his family all treated me like a three headed monster, but I didn't care one bit. I had so much fun on my own, that xDH actually joined me for a few kid-free outings. Turns out, he had a blast too. From then on, family vacations were different. More like the ones I had as a child. More normal. Itineraries changed so that the entire FAMILY got to have fun. Not just the kids. Oh yeah, being on vacation doesn't mean the kids get to run wild either. I recall bed times (sure later than normal) but, regular bed times gave the ADULTS some time to wind down and relax themselves. After all, they're the ones who work their a$$es off to pay for those family vacations.

Clearly this world has become far too kid-centric. Every time I walk out of my house, I feel like I've walked in to a sequel of Children of the Corn. LMFAO! Heck, whenever I turn on the TV (which I try not to do much these days, lol.) This is what kid-centric has gotten us... :sick:

Don't feel bad for feeling bad. Just know that next time, It WILL be different. Because you're going to plan it together, with open communication and compromise. If those two things don't exist, then it may be time to reconsider step-life.

You don't have to explain yourself, you did nothing wrong. Like I said above, I have learned not to care what other people think period. Because if you are a decent person, and the vast majority of us are, you will just naturally try to do what is right.

Hang on to that, and if you don't want to go on vacay next time, don't go. You are your DH's wife first and foremost. IF BM is off in Africa trying to find herself, DH and others expect you to take over SM's role and be a mom to your SKs. In reality, this is DH's responsibility while BM is away. Considering what you are going thru, I think you did a great job, and, yes, vacays should be for everyone. If not and it is all about the kids doing and getting whatever they want, then you were basically expected to be nothing but a babysitter on this vacation, so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

Also, it is common for SMs to go to 'family' events and be treated poorly. People just assume SM is supposed to know that she is supposed to do everything she is told to do regardless of her own beliefs or feelings, and then people act like after the fact, "Oh, SM should have known better or should have asked, etc." No, SM was just going to these events expecting to be treated like a human being and have her feelings taken into consideration along with everyone else's.

Do what works for you. You have a good heart and that is all that matters. Decide if you want to go to events with DH, and if you do, go. If you don't want to take on that kind of responsibility without any authority, then don't go. DH can go by himself, if he wants.

I didn't see the original post.. but from what I am seeing here, it is more the setup of the vacation that created the problem.

The OP was a guest of some people and she didn't realize how limited the accomodations really were. 1 bathroom for 8 people is a bit rough. We have a vacation place with only one bath and we had 6 people there once and it did require a bit of coordination!

I'm not sure where the vacation was but I am guessing if the island was too dangerous for people to venture out alone.. the kids obviously couldn't go out on their own which put them underfoot.

Sounds a bit like cabin fever with all those people around.

I get it, when we had my inlaws and the skids with us on a trip it was a lot of togetherness. I enjoy them fine.. but at some point, I like to get away from everyone too.

I also understand getting into a situation and then feeling a bit trapped.

We went to visit friends of my DH's once and found they had overbooked themselves and their friends were already staying in the queen guest room and we ended up in the twin bed room with the shared shower. We stayed 2 nights then went ahead and made plans to spend the rest of our vacation elsewhere. I'm sure they were a bit miffed that we left, but honestly, it wasn't a comfortable place to stay... so we went somewhere that was. In this case, it seems like there was no other option.

I don't think this is so much "kid-centric" with the exception that these people obviously are the type (like my inlaws) to let the kids eat first etc.. In the future, you will know how they operate and I would limit future visits to shorter time periods.. or make specific plans of your own so that you aren't hostage to only their plans.

I always think the term "kid-centric" is another way of saying: Kids are permitted to act like parents, and parents are expected to act like kids. Reminds me of that one horrifying commercial I saw where the family is going on vacay and the parents just come into the living room and throw a pile of money on each of the kids' laps and say, "We're going to Disney." Kids grabbed the money and ran with no words or thanks, nada.

No rules = no respect. If anything, I wish people would think about what happens when these coddled little kings and queens enter the work force. It is a total hell. I guess it depends on what you value? If you value your child growing up to be an A$$ who will stop at nothing, lie, cheat, steal to get their way, then perhaps "kid-centric" works. If you value honesty and compassion and mutual respect, then for all practical purposes, being child-centric doesn't work at all, unless you are bent on raising little more than animals.

Really, AlreadyGone! Someone needs to make that their sign-off: "Every time I walk out of my house, I feel like I've walked in to a sequel of Children of the Corn."

The only glimmer of hope I have is that these kids will be in for an even bigger hell when they get older. Think of the children they'll raise? About 40 years from now I see some sort of mandate being put in place that anyone older than age 60, has to drink a poison and off themselves (a nod to Star Trek). And, SMs will have to drink a poison and off themselves at age 45. They'll be the only ones with that requirement, but of course everyone will go around saying that there is no bias or prejudice going on whatsoever.

I feel for you. I am a super introvert, with anxiety issues and other mental issues and even at "family" vacations I need my space. My SO knows this. If we go camping, which we have with his entire family of like 30 to 40 people. He has a large family. 2 sisters and 4 brothers, he is the 5th son and the baby of the family. All his siblings have kids, some of the kids are even close in age to my SO and have kids of their own. I have little patience for kids as well. Last camping trip we took to Yosemite I refused to go unless we rented an RV. I told SO I don't camp but I would go with him if we had an RV where I could hide when it was overwhelming. Had we not gotten the RV I would have just stayed home and he would have gone with his family. No biggie.

We do a lot this way, If I know things will not go how I expect them to go, with kids that is what 80% of the time, then I just wont go. I'll plan some alone time for myself or go to my own family. His family is culturally very different from mine as well and very kid centrist. Most of their kids are bratty and throw tantrums to get what they want. I cannot stand kids like that and much less parents who allow it. So glad SD isn't that way, SO knows if she would be that way I would have been out years ago. Also glad SO changed his parenting ways. Our first year together was quite a challenge and I was out after the first 8 months. Only reason we are together now is because he changed his parenting ways and SD was 2 at the time and it was easy to get her on track with the new ways.

For me its ok he goes off with SD and his family on day trips without me or other events. Him and I do things on our own as well. Typically I make more than he does and plan and pay for our vacations. His mom tried to tell me I couldn't take a vacation without SD because it wasn't fair to her if she didn't go. I told her, that's cool, tell your son to pay for himself and SD's way and we will all go. She tried the well he cannot afford it so you have to pay if you want to go. I said, how about this, how about you pay for all 3 of us. She said, why would you just assume someone else(meaning her) should pay for your way. I said well gee IDK maybe because you just assumed I should pay for someone else responsibility as well. That shut her up quick lol

IF you plan on being with this man, who seams to me is caring enough to understand your needs as well, then do yourself the favor, stay home and tell him its their time to bond, then you and him go out on your own. Best decision we made for our family. SD loves her time with her dad, SO loves his time with his child, he and I get our own time together. SD and I do things together without him as well.

I'm new here and I think a lot of people on the thread have made good points, even the ones that seemed a little harsh. I have a SS who is 13 1/2. I am luckier than most here because I have read some real horror stories about how they are treated by their step-children and my SS is an extremely well-behaved, polite, and generally very sweet boy. That being said, when we go on vacation with him, there are still rules to follow and it's NOT all about him. We plan things we can do as a family, we adhere to pretty regular bedtimes, and he doesn't have free reign to just do whatever. Yes, we want him to have a great time when we go away and we do make sure to plan things we know he will enjoy, but that doesn't mean that we let him run amok because we're on vacation. And, if I need some time alone, I take it. I understand that you were pretty much trapped not being able to get around the island much, but if there is one thing I have learned in the past 7 years of being a stepmom, it's to take care of myself. Even if that means going into a room by myself and closing the door for some peace and quiet. Thankfully, my husband understands that. Glad to see yours seems to be getting that too and it sounds like you need that more than ever right now so that you can rest, heal, and be well. Take care of yourself!!! Sending you lots of love and light for a speedy recovery.